Fool Exorcist
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Don't you wish for Blue Exorcist to be funnier? What are you shaking your heads no for? Of course you do! Get ready to see every episode taken from the popular Anime series and given a comedic face-lift for your amusement! Enjoy! Read and review, please!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Ohhh, yeah. I'm back. After years of anoni…anomity…anino-NOT BEING HERE, I have returned. I've been busy as heck. I've graduated from college, I've moved out of the house, and I'm looking for work. What can I say? Life is busy.

You may know me as Dilly-Oh, all-around idiot and slap-stick comedian. I've taken all 26 episodes of the animes Escaflowne and the 50 episodes of Blood + and, for lack of a better term, ripped them a new one. I enjoy taking serious, emotional animes and making them complete and utter hilarity. I guess I'm just sick like that.

I've finally found another anime series worth parodying. The victim of choice this time is none other than Ao no Exorcist, also known as Blue Exorcist. I plan to take every episode from the series and give it a comedic face-lift for your amusement. Here we go! *_Rubs hands together gleefully_.* Now please, read and enjoy. Any reviews would be appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 1

Demons Live in the Stupid Heart

In a darkened temple room lit only by the soft glow of many candles, dozens of monks prayed feverishly. Their prayers with tinged with desperation, as if they were trying to keep something at bay with all their might.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference…" One monk was muttering to himself. He caught strange looks from several of the others. "What? I'm a recovering alcoholic! Back off!"

"Just say it right!"

"Screw you!"

"I'll buy you a drink afterward."

"Sold!"

The praying began once again with fervor. It was, however, too late.

An air of foreboding suddenly swept through the room, candles guttering out, religious statues weeping crimson tears, jackals howling - how the heck did they get in here? - Edward turning to Bella with his I-Have-To-Poop-Face- OKAY SERIOUS GET THE HELL OUT. Go sparkle somewhere else!

"Ahh! AHH!" One monk suddenly broke off from the chanting and jerked violently, gasping. The others fell back, eyes wide with fear.

"Oh no! Are you-"

"Ahh-_CHOO_!" The monk finished with an explosive sneeze, sniffled, and wiped his nose.

Silence filled the temple room.

"God bless you," someone stated from the back.

"Don't scare us like that again, asshole!" Someone else barked, and the praying resumed. It wasn't long before there was another interruption.

"Ahh! AHH!"

"Okay, you're not gonna fool us this time, man! You don't have to be such a-"

"_AUUUUUGH_!" Blue flames suddenly burst forth from the monk's eyes and mouth, engulfing him in a merciless inferno.

"…Oh shit."

The sinister power moved quickly, more and more monks falling victim to the hungry flames. Up on the altar, a monk turned and spoke to the head priest.

"This is bad! We should retreat!"

"No!" The head priest stubbornly refused, shaking his head. "Don't you _understand_? We're nameless characters in this anime, this is our only screen-time! We gotta milk this cow's teat for as long as we can! It's only a matter of time until-"

The head priest burst into blue flames, cutting his impassioned speech short.

"Nice going, man!" One surviving monk complained, kicking the ashy remains of the first monk to fall victim to the flames. "You gave everyone your cold! I hope you're _happy_!"

"…Oh God _please_ let him be next." Another whispered under his breath.

Outside, blue flames enveloped the church in a loving embrace. If love caused irreversible tissue scarring and third-degree burns, that is.

-Present Day-

*_POW_!*

"Gwaaagh!"

A young man with silver hair and face piercings went flying backward, sent reeling by a punch delivered by another boy with messy, dark hair and an angry expression. The punk's friends helped him to his feet, squealing with fear.

"Eeek! Rin Okumura! What is he? A Demon?" One whimpered.

"Uhh, well _yeah_, man, haven't you read the manga-" Another friend began.

"Shut up and stop spoiling the plot!" The punk snarled, cutting them off. "Let's just go!" The group of hoodlums departed, muttering to one another darkly.

"Snape kills Dumbledore? No way, man! I don't believe you!"

"It's true! And I'm telling you, Rosebud is a _sleigh_!"

Rin stood in the abandoned parking lot, several dead pigeons lying limp at his feet. He sighed deeply, considering his bruised knuckles and feeling the pain of the ones on his face.

"I did it again…I got in a fight…" he muttered. "Maybe I _should_ go see Dr. Phil about my inner cesspool of rage…"

"Yeah, you need help, man!" A little girl piped up from across the street. Rin whirled around to glare at her.

"Screw you, brat! I don't have an anger problem!" He ran toward her, roaring like a linebacker.

"Mommy help!"

-Later-

Rin had returned home to the modest church in the midst of a busy city where he lived. He grumpily sat in the confessional, being grilled by his foster father, Reverend Fujimoto.

"Where did you get those wounds?" His father asked, low and dangerous.

"I fell down some stairs," Rin snapped back. Fujimoto frowned.

"…You sound like an abused housewife, Rin." He paused. "How did you get the dirt on your back?"

"I…I didn't clean the dishes good enough."

"Okay, NOW you're just being a little SHIT-"

"I didn't do anything bad!" Rin protested. Fujimoto growled.

"Oh? And how about the nosebleed?"

"What nosebl-"

*_POW_!*

"OW!"

"That nosebleed."

"What the hell, dad?"

"What are you doing with your life, Rin?" Fujimoto suddenly exploded, raging at his son. "You keep losing your part-time jobs! Do you expect to stay here at the church your whole life?"

"Screw you, dad!" Rin roared back, clutching his nose. "I'm an _adult_, dammit! I…I wipe my ass REAL good!"

"…Which reminds me," Fujimoto stated, "go wash your hands."

"EFF OFF!"

Just then, Yukio- MOLES. …Okay, sorry, I just MOLEY MOLEY MOLES. Sorry. That kid has got _alotta_ moles on his face. Kinda distracting. *_Ahem_*.

Just then, Yukio, Rin's twin brother, walked up. As his twin, he shared a resemblance to Rin, though was rather cleaner, wore glasses, and had several hundred moles on his face. Okay, _kidding_, he's got three.

"Father," Yukio began pleasantly, "I have finished the preparations for moving." He paused for a moment. "I also saved a starving kitty from drowning in a well and found a cure for cancer. Is there anything else you need me for?"

"_NEEEEEEERD_!" Rin called out. Yukio smiled at him, oblivious.

"Oh, hello, Rin! I didn't see- why do I smell shit in here?"

"It's dad!" Rin cried. "He's so old he _crapped_ himself!"

"That's it! Fatherly Headlock of Love!"

"_BLEAAAAARGH_! Love, why do you hurt so good?"

Behind the squabbling three, several members of the church snickered to themselves as they cleaned the church's windows with rags.

"I can't believe those two are twins! I mean, they're complete opposites! Yukio is a genius, and Rin still has trouble tying his own shoelaces! They're like the Olsen Twins, only marginally more attractive!"

"Shut UP!" Rin turned, roaring at them.

At that same instant, the small heater nearby exploded with a gout of blue flames.

"MY EYEBROWS!"

"…Yukio also still has his eyebrows."

As Fujimoto fussed with the ruined furnace, another member of the church approached. "Reverend Fujimoto, you have a guest."

He glanced up, frowning.

"Look, if this is that hooker from before, tell her I _specifically_ told her to come in using the BACK entrance-"

"Actually, it's…someone else."

"Oh." Fujimoto blinked. "…Forget I said anything." He slowly sidled off, leaving the others in a bubble of awkward silence.

"…Dad….is SO cool." Rin stated.

-Later-

Rin and Yukio now sat in a secluded, quiet room of the church, the younger twin treating the older twin's injuries with great care. Needless to say, Rin wasn't quite so appreciative of the medical treatment.

"_IIIEEEEEE_! It _HUUUUURTS_! Gawd, it's like childbirth with my _FINGERS_!"

"RIN!"

"_AAAAAAA_- what?" Rin broke off screaming and stared at Yukio.

"I haven't even gotten the iodine out yet."

"Oh." Rin paused. "Sorry." He glanced around the room and caught sight of several boxes tucked away in the corner. "So…you're moving to the dorms of True Cross Academy soon, huh? Make sure to go to all the late-night crack parties and score with all the hot chicks!"

Yukio frowned.

"Just kidding. You'll probably get swirlies every day and become someone's bitch. _Ooop_!" Rin held up a hand to be high-fived.

Yukio smacked it quite harder than was necessary.

"_OWMYHANDWHYYYY_?"

Yukio finished up treating Rin's wounds, his bruised knuckles covered in bandages and ointment. Rin grinned.

"You'll make a great doctor," he told his twin. "I just know you will! And if that doesn't work, you can always join the circus with your fascinatingly disturbing mole-face- _OH GOD MY EYES IT BURNS_!"

"Sorry, my hand slipped," Yukio said innocently, lowering the bottle of iodine and screwing on the cap. He sighed and became serious. "Rin, will you be alright without me? I worry about you guys. About you…dad…the church…blah blah blah-"

Rin had long since stopped listening, and was busy staring off into space, mouth agape and drooling a little, eyes glazing over as memories of earlier that day came back to him…

-Earlier That Day-

The silver-haired punk with piercings laughed cruelly, shooting pigeons with a crossbow- wait, WHAT? Shooting PIGEONS? That sick SHIT! I absolutely LOVE pigeons! They're adorable! They coo and bob their heads when they walk! That's it! SIC 'EM, RIN!

"Don't mind if I do!" Rin winked and turned to the hooligans and their leader as they committed atrocities in an abandoned car lot. "HEY! What the heck do you think you're doing?"

"Shut up!" The punk snapped, whipping the crossbow up and shooting a bolt into the tree directly beside Rin. Rin did a double-take, exchanging glances between the arrow and the punk.

"Hey, man! What did the tree ever do to you?"

"I was aiming at _you_, dumbass!"

"Oh." Rin grabbed the arrow and ripped it free from the tree's bark. "This is going up your _URETHRA_!" He hissed dangerously, brandishing the offending bolt.

His threat was met with confused silence.

"…My what?"

"Your _DICK_-hole!"

"Oh." The punk blinked. "_AUUUUUGH_!"

-Back to the Present!-

"…and then I realized how good I looked in tights, so I…HEY! Rin! Are you even listening to me?" Yukio broke off his rambling to glare daggers of indignation. Rin blinked and guiltily stared at his brother.

"S…sure I was! Uh…how many 'blah's was that?"

"Forget it." Yukio turned away.

"Yukio…" He turned back, surprised at his elder brother's solemn expression. Slowly Rin held up a marker. "Can I connect the dots on your face?"

Yukio heaved a sigh.

"Just this one last time."

"_YAY_!" Rin squealed with glee and uncapped the marker.

"We can use it afterward to draw you some new eyebrows."

"YOU SON OF A-"

"Maybe this is like a test from God?" Yukio interrupted suddenly. "All this crap you have to go through, you know?" Rin frowned.

"If so, I think I'm flunking." He considered it for a moment. "Think there's any extra credit?"

"Hey, Rin!" Several members of the church entered the small room, grins on their faces. "We found you a part-time job!"

"Okay," Rin growled out, "if you assholes signed me up for Chippendales again, I'm gonna kill you. You've had your laugh, I'm not going back no matter HOW much they beg, and-"

"No! It's at a grocery store!"

"So…I get to keep my clothes on?"

"Yes."

"How about my underwear?"

"JUST GO!"

Rin was hustled out of the church, borrowing a suit and tie from others for the interview. The suit fit fine (but did _nothing_ for his ass) but the tie presented a major problem. Rin was unable to tie it properly no matter how many times he tried, and after the tenth attempt only resulted in nearly hanging himself, decided to just go without.

"Forget it!" He steamed, storming out the front door in a huff. He stopped short upon catching sight of his father with a woman and child by the front gates. As Fujimoto waved goodbye to the departing couple, Rin drew near.

"Wow, a hooker with a kid? That's a new low for you, dad."

"You want another headlock?" Fujimoto asked dangerously. Rin gulped and shook his head. His father raised a curious brow. "What's with the suit? Don't tell me they signed you up for Chippendales again."

"No!" Rin sputtered. "I have a job interview!"

"Oh, alright. Where's the tie?"

"Up your ASS-"

"Here, let me." Fujimoto smiled and held out his hand. Rin reluctantly handed it over. As Fujimoto stepped close and expertly began affixing the tie, he continued talking in a gentle voice. "You've gotten so big, Rin! You were so cute when you were little, yelling 'papa, papa' all the time!" He finished the knot with a tug and stepped back. "There! All done. How do you feel?" Rin paused before answering.

"…Vaguely aroused."

"…Let's leave it at that." Reverend Fujimoto slowly backed away.

-Later-

Rin sat fidgeting in the cramped office room, his potential employer glaring at him over her glasses. Want to know what she looks like? Take a pig, stuff it in a dress, give it an orange wig, and there ya go. _Rowr_.

"Okumura Rin," she snapped, eyeing him suspiciously. "Fifteen years old. You want to work right out of high-school. Why should I hire you?"

"…You want me to take my clothes off?"

Needless to say, she did not. Instead, she set him working odd jobs around the store, all quite impossible (especially the one where she demanded he make her more attractive). Obviously, Rin failed at them all (and simply busted up laughing at that last order) and was now hunched over in an aisle of the store, shamed and dejected.

"Cheer up, honey," a kind woman worker said. "This store isn't doing too good, anyway. They might have to close it soon. If only we could get more people in here!"

A light-bulb went off in Rin's head, promptly fizzled out, and set his brain on fire. As smoke trickled from his ears, he stood up, grinning.

"I think _I_ can help with that!"

Rin quickly began using his Chippendales skills for maximum female enjoyment, stripping off his clothes to a techno beat and attracting hordes of girls into the store, all squealing and showering him with dollar bills. Business was quickly booming, and the pig-boss from before came charging up, snorting.

"_What the hell is going on here_?" She demanded. Upon catching sight of Rin gyrating his hips, she paused, reflective for a moment, then made her decision known. A pair of panties flew through the air and hit Rin in the face.

"_OHSHITGROSS_! I think I just threw up a little!"

-Even Later-

"I got the job!" Rin said excitedly into the phone.

"Congrats!" Yukio answered from the other line at the church. "I know you could do it! When do you- is that TECHNO I hear in the back?"

"NO."

Loud beat music filled the phone from across the line. Yukio waited.

"YES."

"…How exactly did you get the job?"

"You don't wanna know." Rin paused. "It involves panties."

Yukio hung up.

"MOLES!" Rin barked into the beeping phone, slamming it onto the hook. Exiting the phone-booth, he was heading back toward the store when he saw a little girl running through the parking lot, chasing her scarf. Dashing up, he caught the unruly scarf, and turned to the girl.

"Hey!" He said. "I know you! You're the hooker's daughter!"

Suddenly the scarf twitched. Rin looked down to see an ugly little gremlin with long arms and a tail clutching one end.

"__!" The little Demon sneered at him, then took off into the store, the scarf trailing behind. Rin chased after it, causing destruction and mayhem among the aisles, until finally he cornered the creature. There, the gremlin tipped over a huge stack of boxes next to the little girl and let go of the scarf. Rin gasped.

"LOOK OUT!"

Rin threw himself forward, shoving the little girl away - and into the path of the falling boxes - and snatching up the scarf before it could hit the ground. "You almost got it dirty! Here, I saved your scarf! You're wel-"

Blood was leaking out from underneath the mountain of fallen boxes.

"…Oh shit."

-That Evening-

Night had fallen over the city. Rin sat on a swing in an empty playground, forlorn. Yukio appeared nearby and approached his brother, concerned.

"Rin, there you are. We've been waiting for you. Come on, let's go home."

"I can't," Rin mumbled miserably, staring at the ground. Yukio stepped closer.

"Rin? What's wrong?"

"Yukio, I…I…" Rin looked up into his brother's eyes. "I'm pregnant."

"RIN!"

"Just kidding." Rin turned away. "I got fired."

"What? WHY?"

"Because I wouldn't give my boss my number, okay? So she fired me!"

"Rin, that's ridiculous. I'm sure she's not _that_ baaaAAAUUUOOHMIGOD!" Yukio recoiled in horror as Rin held up his phone, a photo of his boss on the screen. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"It happens." Rin paused. "I also might have killed a little girl at some point, but I saved her scarf, and isn't that what's REALLY important?"

"You're so irresponsible!" Yukio exploded. "You need to grow up, Rin! Why are you so careless?"

Rin stared at the ground, silent for a long moment. Suddenly he kicked back and let himself swing forward, legs in the air.

"_WHEEEE_!"

"Dammit, Rin! Nevermind! I'm going home!" Yukio turned to leave.

"Wait, Yukio! Push me!"

"NO! You're such a-"

"I'll push you afterward!"

"Really? Hot DOG!" Yukio quickly gave Rin an under-duck.

-Several Under-Ducks Later-

Rin and Yukio returned home after a swinging-competition to find a strange man speaking with their father on the porch. Rin stopped short upon realizing the man was the father of Yui, the little girl he killed- I mean saved.

"If this is about your daughter," he stated, "she pushed HERSELF under those boxes." He paused. "It's true. I've seen it happen before." Yui's father scowled.

"I just came here to tell you that Yui is expected to make a full recovery," he began.

"That's great!"

"And to stick you with the hospital bill," he finished.

"That's SHIT!"

"What's that, Rin?" Fujimoto asked innocently, cocking his head. "Hug you until your ribs snap? Well, alright." He happily obliged, effectively shutting up his child with a violent hug of love/pain.

Yui's father left, flipping Rin off as he did. Fujimoto heaved a deep sigh.

"Rin, you're grounded for a while."

"What? WHY?" Rin sputtered from the ground, clutching his ribs.

"Because of THIS!" Fujimoto held up a bill from the pig-boss. "This is for the damage you did at the grocery store!" He dropped the bill on Rin's face. "Make the call."

"Son of a…" Rin rooted about in his pocket and pulled out his phone, flipping it open and dialing. "Hello, Chippendales? Hi, it's me again…"

-The Next Day-

The next day, Rin awoke to an empty room. Yukio had already left for True Cross Academy and Rin couldn't help but feel a bit lonely. He yawned, glanced out the window, and choked aloud.

"What the-?"

Dashing downstairs, Rin ran outside the church and gaped. Tiny black dust motes drifted through the air, millions of them. The small specks had eyes and tails, like miniscule Demons. No-one else seemed to notice their presence and went about their business, undisturbed.

"What ARE these things?" Rin goggled, waving his hand at one. "They look like some kind of dust, or soot- OH. MY. GOD." He paused. "Are these those Soot Sprites from My Neighbor Totoro? OMG where is he? I wanna SQUEEZE him!"

"_Okumuuuuura_!" A chilling voice called. Rin turned to find the silver-haired punk with piercings and his small group of cohorts grinning from across the road. The boy sported bandages on his face, as well as a large cast on his private area.

"…_You're…NOT…Totoro_." Rin ground out, eyes narrowed.

"No, but…I can…take you to him?" The punk said hopefully. Rin's face lit up.

"SWEET!" He skipped across the road toward the hooligans, singing as he went. "To-to-ro, To-TO-ro!"

-Several Minutes Later-

Rin stood with the juvenile delinquents in a back alley, trash in the gutters and a burning barrel nearby. The leader of the gang leered at Rin and spoke.

"Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing yesterday. I didn't mean to…"

Rin wasn't listening, instead staring at the pierced boy in bewilderment. There was something quite…ODD about him. Maybe it was the Soot Sprites or whatever they were that clustered about him like flies on poop, or maybe it was the three-inch fangs that were jutting from the boy's mouth. Whatever it was, Rin just couldn't let it sit.

"Dude, hold still. You've got something on your face…_riiiight_ there…" Rin reached out a hand and tried rubbing the strange away. It didn't help. "Okay I think I got it."

"How much should we pay?" The punk asked bluntly. Rin blinked.

"…Are you hitting on me?"

"No!"

"…_I_ am." A boy in the back spoke up. The punk turned around and smacked him.

"I'm paying you to keep quiet about my delinquent activities!" The punk snarled. "I'm going to True Cross Academy, just like your loser brother. The poor shit, doesn't have a dime to his name! Come on, how's twenty bucks sound?"

"TWENTY BUCKS?" Rin roared, sputtering in fury. "My sweet ass is worth at LEAST fifty! How DARE you!" He socked the punk in the face, sending him sprawling backwards. Rin paused to think for a moment. "Oh, and you just insulted Yukio. That too, I guess."

"That _hurt_…" the punk hissed, shaking his head and rising to his feet. With a howl of rage, the boy transformed, sprouting curling horns, a whip-like tail, and grotesque fangs. Rin stared at him in shock.

"Okay, hold still, I _swear_ I'll get it this time-"

"GET HIM!" The Demon-boy snapped, and the other delinquents obeyed, tackling Rin to the ground and holding him there. The leader approached, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. "Fifty bucks, my ass! You're not even worth fifty CENTS!" He snatched a red-hot metal bar from the burning barrel and crouched next to Rin. "Let's ruin that pretty face of yours so you're _worthless_!"

"No! My Chippendales career! My dreams of being a male model!" Rin squealed in fright, struggling. It was no good. The smoldering bar was brought closer. "Stop! Stop it! STOP!" Closer still. "…Please?"

The Demon-boy paused.

"Oh, well since you asked so nicely-"

"Phew…" Rin relaxed.

"YEAH RIGHT DUMBASS!" The bar brushed Rin's cheek.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

Blue flames burst forth from Rin, scorching the gang and beating them back. Rin responded with all the calmness and maturity that the gravity of the situation required.

"HOLY SHIT I'M ON FUCKING _FIRE_! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" He immediately obeyed, to no avail. The blue flames wouldn't go out. "AUUUUGH WHY WON'T THEY STOP? Quick!" He turned to the boys huddled together in fear. "There's no other way! You guys are gonna have to _pee_ on me-"

The kids all screamed and ran off down the alley. Rin frowned.

"Fine, I'll do it _myself_!" He began struggling with his fly but stopped as the Demon-boy stood up and slowly approached.

"Yessss, those blue flames are proof of Satan's offspring." He once again crouched beside Rin, extending a hand politely. "My name is Astaroth. Shall we go, Young Master? Lord Satan is waiting for you."

Rin stared at him, eyes wide with confusion and fear.

"…Could you pee on me first?"

A low voice suddenly interrupted the two, and they turned to see who it was. Reverend Fujimoto, Rin's father, was calmly walking down the alley towards them, chanting a prayer as he drew ever closer.

"You…you're an Exorcist?" Astaroth spat, eyes burning with hatred.

"Blessed be the Lord, BITCH," Fujimoto finished, glaring at the demon.

"…Okay, not a very good one, but an Exorcist none-the-less! DIE!" Astaroth leapt forward, rushing toward Fujimoto with fangs and claws bared. Fujimoto paused for a moment, considering, then simply kicked the Demon in his crotch-cast. As he lay writhing on the dirty ground, the Reverend raised a brow at the large cast and whistled. "Nice handiwork, Rin."

"DAD!" Rin sobbed out, weak with relief. "I swear to God I'll NEVER do drugs again! I am tripping SO bad right now and I don't think I can-"

"You can see the Demons, Rin?" Fujimoto interrupted, gesturing at the small dark specks in the air. "These are Coal Tar, they are darkness that gather on dust and evil humans. You see, there are two dimensions that face each other like a mirror. One is Assiah, a good world where we humans live, and the other is Gehenna, a dark world where Demons live. Demons from Gehenna can possess beings in Assiah, and thus interact with others here. This should never happen." He leaned down and grabbed Rin's arm, hauling him to his feet. "Rin. You are not human. You are the son of a Demon and a human."

Around the pair, dark shadows bulged and grew. Strange creatures crept close, and chilling sounds filled the air.

"And not just any Demon," Fujimoto continued solemnly. "You are…the son of Satan."

Rin stared at his father blankly.

"So…is Totoro a Demon, or what?"

"…Godammit, Rin."

-Episode 1 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Wow that felt great to write! I haven't written in so long, I've missed how much fun it is. I only wish I had remembered sooner.

The only issue with my writing this series is that I don't know when I'll be able to update. With Blood Minus, I updated every week. Granted, that was when I was in college with minimal other stuff to do. Now, I'm out of college and have got a million things to do and not enough time to do them. I'm drawing comics for a paper, drawing comics for another series, drawing for the sake of drawing, I've got work, blah blah blah…so I can't promise anything. At the most, I can say that I will probably be able to update about every two weeks. Creating an episode (which involves watching it, jotting down the jokes, then expanding and writing it as a chapter) takes about five to ten hours all together. I should be able to scrape up that amount of time from two weeks worth of spare time. We'll see how it goes!

Thanks very much for reading, expect more in the future! Please review! See you next time!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Woo-hoo! Thanks so much for the reviews! They're very much appreciated. I enjoy writing this series and certainly plan on continuing. And now, without further ado…here's the next episode!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 2

Gehenna Gate

A small boy with messy hair stood in the orange glow of sunset. From afar, Rin's voice began speaking, quietly.

"Ever since I was little…I've been bad. I beat up kids. Their parents hated and complained about me. So I beat them up, too. Then I stole their wallets and wracked up huge financial debt- okay, you get the picture. I was a little shit. But that doesn't mean…I…I'm NOT a Demon!"

Actually…you kinda _are_, Rin.

"Screw you, Narrator!"

Rin then threw himself off a building.

"__!"

-Back to the Present!-

As the voice-over faded away, Rin and his foster father, Reverend Fujimoto, were busy fleeing the forces of Satan, dashing through the Southern Cross Mall in their attempt to escape. Rin suddenly gasped aloud and struggled out of his father's grip.

"Hold on, dad! _Look_!" He pointed dramatically and Fujimoto whirled to see. "There's an AWESOME sale at Macy's right now! I'm talking 25-50% off, STORE-WIDE!"

"Dammit, Rin! Now is NOT the time for- ohmigosh are those _buckles_ on those boots? _Ooooh_, girlfriend, they would make my legs look SO hot- I mean no! We don't have time!" He grabbed Rin and hauled him along. The two scuttled up a narrow catwalk, running above the mall as clouds of Coal Tar danced about in the air.

As the two reached the edge of the building, a formidable chasm separated the rooftops. Rin narrowed his eyes and increased his speed.

"There is no spoooon!" He cried, leaping with all his might. He soared across the gap, tumbling head-over-heels as he reached the other rooftop past the expansive gap…

Of about a foot.

"The Matrix doesn't have you, Neo," Fujimoto snapped, easily hopping over the gap. "Now get your ass up. We've got to- aw, _shit_!"

Rin looked up. They were surrounded by about a dozen rotting dogs, buzzing with flies and bulbous growths on their backs. Fujimoto recoiled in disgust, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"Watch out, Rin!" He warned. "These are Ghouls, Demons that possess dead bodies! They-"

"_D'awww_! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You are!" Rin was sprawled next to one of the Ghouls, smiling dopily and scratching its rotting ears. "Now, sit!"

The Ghoul snarled and snapped at him, saliva dripping from its fangs.

"No! No! Bad dog!" Rin gave it a sharp smack. "You do NOT try to eat your master's face! Bad!" He paused. "…Okay, now roll over!"

"ENOUGH, RIN!" Fujimoto reached into his robes and withdrew a small grenade. Rin gasped in surprise, eyes wide.

"You have a friggin' BOMB?" He sputtered.

"Calm down, Rin. This is-"

"Can I throw it?"

"NO!"

"I hate you, dad!"

Fujimoto hurled the grenade, which exploded into clouds of Holy Water, thoroughly dousing the Ghouls. Rushing through the cloud, Fujimoto pulled Rin into a small stairwell where they could catch their breath.

"We have to hurry and get home," the Reverend muttered.

"What?" Rin blinked. "You mean…this isn't _over_ yet?"

"RIN." Fujimoto stared at him point-blank. "For the love of God, this is Episode 2. You have at the VERY least 24 more episodes of bullshit to wade through. Maybe even _50_."

"FUUUH-!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere at the moment, the young punk with piercings and his delinquent friends were still in the alley where Rin's power had awakened. The punk sat up weakly, shaking his head.

"Dude, you really don't remember anything?" One friend asked. The punk shook his head again.

"No…nothing." He looked up at his friends. "What…happened?" The friends exchanged glances and decided to play this sudden attack of amnesia to their advantage.

"But, man, I paid your hospital fees!" One said.

"Yeah, and you owe me ten bucks!" Said another.

"We had sex! You told me you loved me!"

Everyone turned to stare at the last of the boys.

"…Well we DID."

"I gotta stop drinking." The punk covered his face with his hands. "Wait…I remember now…it was that bastard, Okumura! Okumura…" The punk rose to his feet, face contorting in fury at the memory. "Okumura…_Okumura…OKUMURAAAA_!"

Whirling about, the enraged boy balled up a fist and hit the nearby dumpster-

"OW! My freaking HAND! I think I BROKE it! Dammit!" He turned and kicked a trashcan with similar results. "AWGH! My FOOT! Son of a-" He raged about for a few moments, trying to find something he was able to break in vain. Finally he had to settle for pushing down a nearby hobo.

"Oh my gosh you're a MONSTER!" His friends wailed in fear, running off down the alleyway.

"_Auuuu_- call me! –_uuuuugh_!"

The boy suddenly grew curling horns, a tail, and fangs once again. Astaroth chuckled, having returned to the boy's body.

"Where are you, Young Master?" He called aloud, stepping out into the alleyway. "Wherever you are, I will find yo- OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST STEPPED IN A PUDDLE OF PEE."

"Hee hee…revenge is sweet!" The hobo snickered to himself in the shadows.

-Back With Rin and Fujimoto-

Meanwhile, Rin and his foster father had finally reached the safety of their home – the church. A member of the order stepped forward, smiling with relief.

"Welcome back!"

"How are the preparations?" Fujimoto asked quickly, striding inside the church.

"We got rid of the Coal Tar-" the man answered.

"No! Not Totoro!" Rin sobbed. "What did he ever do to YOU?"

"-put up barriers," the man continued, "and stocked up on tons of frozen pizza and porno."

Reverend Fujimoto stopped in his tracks and stared at the man.

"What? It's gonna be a long night, is all I'm saying."

Rin glanced through the windows of the church and gulped. Several Ghouls were outside in the form of dogs and crows, (a few were dancing to 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson) attempting to gain access to the church by force but were being repelled by the barriers set around the building.

Near the back of the church room, Fujimoto was pushing aside the large altar, revealing a secret set of stairs that led down into darkness. Rin gasped in delight.

"_Oooh_! Is this where we take the Princess after we rescue her from the dungeon?" He asked excitedly, then turned to the others. "Okay, who wants to be Zelda? Don't worry, I'm really good at this game-"

"Get over here!" Fujimoto grabbed him by the collar and began hauling him down the steps.

"Wait I don't look good in a dress! I got fat ankles! Yukio, on the other hand-"

Fujimoto ignored him and led Rin down a short flight of steps, where they emerged into a small, dark room inhabited by a narrow bureau.

"This is where I keep…THIS." Fujimoto pulled open a drawer and withdrew a long katana with a purple sheath. "This is the Demon-Slaying Blade, Kurikara. Your Demonic powers are sealed inside it. You-"

"Aww, a sword? Lame. I wanted to see a dead hooker or something-"

"Shut up and take it!" Fujimoto thrust the sword into Rin's hands. "This sword is more important than your very LIFE. Never hand it over to anyone else."

"Okay," Rin promised solemnly. He paused. "…Hey, can you hold this for me? I gotta tie my shoe-"

"I'm serious, Rin! Never let go of it, even when you're sleeping!"

"…But what if I REALLY have to crap? Do I take it to the can with me? Or…I'm scoring with some chick? Or what if-"

"Jesus _Christ_, it's an expression, Rin! Just take good care of it!" Fujimoto gave up. "Listen, Rin. This is very important. _You must never draw_- HEY!"

Rin was already struggling to open the sword. Fujimoto snatched it from him and forced it closed. "You dumbass! If you open that up, you'll never be human again!"

"Wait, hold on a sec!" Rin cut in, thinking hard. "If I'm a Demon, then Yukio- WAIT. DON'T TELL ME. His MOLES are PURE EVIL-"

"No, Rin! You're fraternal twins! You got the Demonic powers, he didn't! He's human!"

"Oh," Rin said, disappointed. "Well I _still_ think there's something going on with those MOLES-"

Outside the church, Astaroth approached, eyeing the building with evil glee.

"I've found you, Young Master!" He chuckled, stepping into the road. He was promptly hit by a semi. Let that teach you to look both ways before crossing the road, kiddies!

"Aw, shit! I got warrants!" The driver scrambled out of his seat and dashed outside to find Astaroth sprawled on the road. "Kid, you okay?" His head was twisted all the way around. "…It was like that before, right?"

"You…bastard…" Astaroth suddenly coughed and rose, jerking. "I'm gonna KILL YOU-"

"Oh GOD-"

"In TRAFFIC COURT! Do you know what the fine is for hitting a pedestrian?"

"…Um…twenty bucks?"

"No. _DEATH_!" Astaroth bashed the poor man into the wall. "I'm coming for you, Young Master!" He rose to his feet, righted his head, and jumped into the man's truck. Grinning evilly, Astaroth revved the engine, gripped the steering wheel, buckled his seat belt, adjusted the mirrors, fiddled with the radio stations, moved his seat until it was an appropriate distance from his- OKAY DUDE SERIOUSLY GET GOING. "Shut up! I'm a good driver! Piss off!"

Rin and Fujimoto, meanwhile, were still arguing down in the small cellar.

"Why did you keep all this a secret from me?" Rin demanded.

"Because," Fujimoto snapped back, "knowing you, you would have done something stupid like post it on your Facebook!"

"I would NOT!" Rin protested. "…Though I bet I would have gotten a lot of 'likes'!"

An explosion suddenly shook the church, and Rin and his father scrambled up the stairs to find that the walls had been breached by Astaroth and his new truck.

"HEY!" Rin barked at him. "I am TRYING to have a DISCUSSION with my FATHER and it is RUDE of you to INTERRUPT!"

"…Sorry." Astaroth looks sheepish. "Should I have plowed my truck into your home at another time? I'll just…here…" He slowly began to back up- "Like SHIT!" -And came roaring back inside, shoving over several pews. Jumping from the truck, he approached the church-members, flanked by dog-Ghouls and evil fungal Demons. "I've come for you, Young-"

"_Excuse_ me!" Astaroth turned to find an annoyed-looking parking attendant standing beside his ruined truck. "This is a no parking zone, sir. I'm gonna have to ticket you-"

Astaroth snapped his fingers, and a dog-Ghoul promptly leapt upon the person and devoured them. Astaroth smirked and flipped a quarter at the corpse.

"Put THAT in your parking meter!"

"Take this!" A member of the church suddenly dashed up and dumped a bucket of liquid on the unsuspecting Demon-boy. He shrieked in pain and recoiled.

"Gaaaah! Holy Water! It _burns_!"

"Oh, that wasn't Holy Water, _bitch_!" The man hissed out. "That was my PEE!"

"Then that is both humiliating, AND disgusting," Astaroth stated. "What is it with people PISSING on me today?"

"You have to run, Rin!" Reverend Fujimoto suddenly shoved Rin back behind the altar, shaking him roughly. "The Demons will only get stronger as night goes on!"

"But, dad!" Rin began.

"No buts," Fujimoto went on. "Don't argue with me! Get out of here and hide until dawn, then-"

"Dad!"

"RIN YOU _CANNOT_ STAY HERE!"

"…Actually I was just gonna ask which way would be the quickest."

"…You're a little shit, you know that?" Fujimoto stared quietly at Rin. "And I love you for it. Here, take this." He reached into his pocket and handed Rin a cell-phone. "Once you leave, call the number on it-"

"Uh, huh. Hang on." Rin was busy texting one of his friends. "LOL XDDD!"

"Rin you don't have anytime minutes."

"_Gaaah_!" Rin quickly snapped the phone closed and shoved it into his pocket. Fujimoto likewise shoved Rin down the stairs into the small cellar and closed the altar above, sealing the boy in. "Uhh, dad? I don't really see how I can run away when I'm TRAPPED IN THE GODDAMN CELLAR!" He blinked. "Omigosh I think there really IS a dead hooker down here! _Daaaaaaad_!"

Up above, the fight between good and dumb was raging as the priests of the church battled the encroaching Demons. One priest boxed with religious symbols on his hands while another summoned Turnip Head from Howl's Moving Castle to help out. Reverend Fujimoto was more to the point and whipped out a shotgun, pumping the handle to load the barrel.

"Amen, mother-fucker."

"Open up!" Rin snarled, beating at the ceiling. "Come on! Open! Open Sesame! Uh…" He paused. "Pretty please?" The door didn't move. "Fuck you, door! You're an asshole!" He suddenly quieted, thinking to himself. "So…I'm a Demon."

Memories came to Rin's mind, of him and Yukio playing at the beach, birthdays and summer festivals, beating the SHIT outta that one kid, the time he ate that cat-

"…Okay so I guess it's not THAT big a surprise."

-Meanwhile…-

At True Cross Academy, Yukio suddenly sat bolt-upright in his bed, eyes wide, then narrowing.

"…My moles…sense a disturbance!" He whispered. "Brother?"

-Back to the Others!-

The priests of the modest church were deep in battle against Astaroth and his Demon hordes, but were quickly losing ground. Turnip Head had become a rather nice vegetable soup, and Astaroth disposed of another priest by snatching up a mushroom and blasting the man with its psychedelic fumes.

"_Oooh_! Pretty lights!" The tripping priest fell to the floor, making snatching motions at the air. Another priest dropped to his knees beside him, sobbing in fury.

"Oh GOD he is SO high! There's no hope for him!" He wailed. "You bastard! Quick! We need snacks, STAT!"

Astaroth let out a bestial roar and swelled hugely, muscles bulging and skin discoloring. Watch out, I think he's got 'roid rage!

"I'll tear every single one of you apart!" He declared with relish.

…Yeah, it's definitely 'roid rage.

The fork that had formerly belonged to the now delicious Turnip Head came flying through the air and sunk its prongs deep in the sensitive flesh of Astaroth's balls. He squealed appropriately and fell to the ground.

"_'MLEGALLYFEMALE_-"

"That's for hitting on me in the last episode!" Rin snarled, standing up from the wreckage of the ruined altar. Apparently the incentive of having a dead hooker in the cellar with him had given him the strength to break free. He blinked and thought for a minute. "And insulting Yukio. And awakening my latent Demonic powers. And driving your truck into my house." He paused again. "Did I leave anything out?"

"…Trying to kill you and all your friends and family?" Astaroth asked weakly.

"Oh yeah. That too!" Rin looked around. "We got anymore pitchforks in here?"

"I've got this, Rin." Reverend Fujimoto stepped forward and placed a heavy boot on Astaroth's chest, leveling the shotgun at the Demon's widened eyes. "Get out of that kid now, Demon, or you will never again have what is known as a FACE." Astaroth quickly left the boy's body. In the form of URINE. The punk boy slumped back, unconscious. Fujimoto smirked.

"God bless you, you son of a bitch." He turned and gestured to his son. "Rin, come. We must hide you. You're the target of Demons. Let's go."

"…So that's it, huh? You want me gone?" Rin stood staring at his father, lower lip trembling. "That's what you want, isn't it? Then you can turn my room into your own personal EFF-Shack? Am I right?"

"Rin? What the hell are you talking about?" Fujimoto sputtered. "Why would you think-"

"I found the blueprints, dad!" Rin shot back. "Don't act like you don't know! Don't you _ever_ call me your son again! You're…_not my dad_!"

*_SMACK_!*

"OW!" Rin stumbled back, clutching his stinging cheek. He stared at his father, disbelief in his eyes. "What the hell? Why did you hit me THIS time?"

"I'm sorry," Fujimoto said. "There was some stupid on you."

"Oh, really? Thanks." Rin rubbed at his face. "…Did you get it?"

"No Rin. No I didn't." Fujimoto sighed. "Look, it's almost daybreak. You should go and pack-"

"Oooh! I'm gonna go get my Totoro slippers!" Rin squealed excitedly.

Fujimoto suddenly gasped and fell to his knees, clutching his chest.

"Damn! I was…careless!" He cursed, groaning in pain.

"Dad?" Rin stopped his skipping and dashed to his father's side. "What's wrong? Don't tell me it's…it's…_HEARTBURN_!"

Fujimoto raised his head and gazed at Rin, eyes bloodshot and crooked fangs protruding from his mouth. He suddenly burst into blue flames and began cackling madly.

"…Okay, I'm 75% sure that is NOT heartburn," Rin commented, stepping back. "…But just to be on the safe side, here are some Tums-"

"Finally, I can meet you, my son!" Fujimoto spoke, but it wasn't the Reverend's voice. It was…someone ELSE…

"S…son?" Rin stuttered, brain working overtime. "You mean…?"

"_Yessss_!" The Fujimoto who was not Fujimoto stood, grinning insanely. "I'm-"

"Morgan Freeman?"

"No, you little shit! I am Satan, God of Gehenna, and your real father! You can call me 'daddy' if you want! _Gyahahahaha_!"

"How about I call you Stinky McSHIT-Pants?" Rin snarled. "Hold on now. You're my real father? Then…did you get me something? Like a card or whatever?"

"Oh, sure!" Satan said cheerily. He reached down and ripped the skin off of Fujimoto's arm, then scrawled on the sodden piece of flesh with some crimson blood. He handed it to Rin. "Here ya go!"

"Awwww, _thanks_, Dad!" Rin gushed, taking the abomination of a holiday card from him. "I- WAITAMINUTE." He paused, eyes narrowed, staring at the card in horror as it dripped on his shoes. "There's no MONEY in here! You cheap asshole! DIE!" He flung the card back at the possessed Fujimoto and snarled.

"Come now, don't ruin our emotional reunion!" Satan laughed, blood dribbling down Fujimoto's face. Rin's expression of horror grew until he could hold it back no longer.

"Okay, I seriously can't STAND this shit. Hold still now-" He licked his finger and began rubbing at Satan's face, trying in vain to clean it. "If you're gonna possess my dad's body you should at _least_ keep it clean! _Sheesh_! Some Demon Lords!"

"I don't have time for this!" Satan snapped, smacking Rin's hand away. Cracking some fingers off with a twist, he let Fujimoto's blood fall to the floor and flow into the shape of some sort of gate. Darkness oozed from the rectangle, pillars rising and evil faces bubbling up, all the while giggling maliciously.

"_Auuuuu_- still more attractive than my boss- _uuuugh_!" Rin commented. Satan rolled his eyes.

"This is the Gehenna Gate," he explained. "It connects Assiah to Gehenna." He paused. "And Hell's Kitchen."

Rin stared at him.

"What? Where else did you think Chef Gordon Ramsay came from? Heaven? Puh-LEEZ. You'll like him, I'll take you to the show sometime. He can scream and insult you. Now, let's go home!" Grabbing hold of Rin, Satan began dragging his son toward the beckoning gate. Rin struggling, spouting protests.

"No! Let me go! I'm not a Demon! I…I'm a human!" He caught sight of himself in a shattered pane of glass, eyes wide and bloodshot, fangs poking from his mouth, and blue flames flickering about him. "…Why am I so HOT?"

"You got your looks from me!" Satan shot over his shoulder. "You are special. Your blood is of Gehenna, but your body is of Assiah. Now, in you go!" He reached back and flung the boy into the gate. "_GOAAAAAAAAAAAL_!"

"OMIGOSHGROSSHEADS!" Rin squealed in disgust, then stopped. "Hey, if I close my eyes, I can pretend that I'm in one of those ball pits! Wheee!" He closed his eyes and began backstroking through the tortured souls.

"Today," Satan declared from the Gate's edge, "you shall be reborn as a Demon! Happy Birthdaaaay!" He threw his head back and cackled madly.

"…Did you get me a cake?" Rin asked mid-stroke.

"Well, I did, but it's made out of dead babies-"

"This is the worst birthday EVER!"

Suddenly Fujimoto's hand shot out, grabbing hold of his necklace, a religious charm with a long, sharp spike on the end. Pulling it back, the hand stabbed the spike deep into the man's heart.

"You bastard!" Fujimoto hissed out, fighting with the Demon Lord for possession of his body. "I won't let you…hurt my son!"

"Damn you!" Satan hissed back, gagging on blood. "You filthy Exorcist!"

"Daddy, no!" Rin cried in horror, then stopped. "Wait, which dad am I talking to now? The asshole or the asshole?" Fujimoto toppled forward into the Gate with Rin. "Oh, you're in coming to play with me? Guess you're not such an asshole after all!" He moved toward his father, and quickly found that they were both trapped in the Gate's grip. As Rin struggled to escape, his life flashed before his eyes, memories coming to him…

-Flashbaaaack!-

"Daddy," a much younger Rin asked his father, "why am I different from everyone else?"

"Oh, GOD," Fujimoto groaned, covering his face with his hands. "I knew this 'gay' talk was coming, I just didn't know _when_-"

"What? NO! I mean am I a Demon child?"

"Oh. OHHH!" Fujimoto cleared his throat, knelt down next to Rin, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You're human, Rin. You have nothing to worry about. Okay?" Rin nodded, then frowned.

"Wait, why did you think that I meant-"

"Uh, look! Pigeons!"

"_Wheeee_!" Rin dashed off, flapping his arms wildly, and promptly ran into a wall. Fujimoto sighed.

"Sweet Jesus gimme strength."

-End of Flashback!-

"Daddy…" Rin sniffled, still caught in the Gate's grip. He flailed over to his father's body and grabbed hold of it. "Daddy! Get up! Please! I'll try to curb my stupid from now on! See?" He rubbed his face, to no avail. Fujimoto didn't move. "What's that, dad? Draw my sword and abandon my humanity?" Again Fujimoto didn't respond. "Well alright, you talked me into it!"

Grabbing hold of Kurikara, Rin grit his teeth and flexed his muscles. The sword slowly slid free from the scabbard, light blasting the church and blue flames filling the air. Rin raised the now free sword and slashed at the Gehenna Gate, slicing it in two. The Gate crumpled in on itself, disappearing with a flash.

Rin stood amid the destruction of the church, two burning horns protruding from his head and a long, black tail with a tuft at the end curling from his rear. He fell to his knees, Fujimoto's body close by.

"Daddy…" Rin whimpered, tears coming to his eyes as-

The sprinkler suddenly went off.

"Thanks, God," Rin stated. "I really needed that. Now all I need is-"

Yukio suddenly walked in the front door.

"…Thanks, God. Thanks a lot."

"Rin? Father?" Yukio looked around, eyes widening at the church's devastation. "My moles sensed danger- I mean…_I_ sensed danger. Me. Not my moles. Is what I meant." He paused. "My moles are _not_ evil." He caught sight of Rin and the other survivors. "What happened here? You guys have a party without me?"

"Yukio. Dad is dead."

"Must have been one HELL of a party…" Yukio whistled.

"The irony of that statement is not lost to me."

-Several Days Later…-

Rin stood before his father's grave, dressed in a black suit for the Reverend's funeral. Yukio and the others kept their distance, allowing Rin some private time to mull over things or whatever his brain did when it was on screen-saver. A steady rain drizzled from the sky, drenching Rin and his spirits.

"If I didn't know any better," he stated aloud. "I'd say you hated me, God. Thanks for pissing on my despair, anyway." He quieted, fumbling a hand into his pocket and pulling out the phone Fujimoto had given him. "…This better not cost a lot." He quickly typed in a text with a sad face :( and sent it to the number on the phone. It wasn't long until he got a reply.

_"I'm bringing sexy back…them other boys don't know how to act…I think it's special what's behind your back…so turn around and I'll pick up the slack…take 'em to the bridge!"_

Rin looked up to find himself surrounded by threatening-looking men in black suits. Another man approached, dressed in a strange clownish getup, complete with silly umbrella and top hat. He held up his ringing phone and hit a button to silence it.

"Nice to meet you!" The man chuckled, giving a little bow. Rin cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Are you the gay-clown version of Jack Sparrow?" He asked.

"Pretty much," the man shrugged. "Just cut out the gay part. The ladies _do_ love me." He winked at the audience and blew a kiss. "Oh, and with a better ass."

"I dunno, Jack Sparrow's got a pretty sweet-"

"I represent the Japanese Branch of the True Cross Order," the man cut Rin off. "My name is Mephisto Pheles. Please accept my condolences for your father."

Rin stared at the man in silence for a long moment.

"Is that fucking ICECREAM on your umbrella?" Mephisto blinked.

"Um…yes?"

"Can I lick it?"

"Okay, this is wrong in SO many ways." Mephisto grumbled and rubbed his temples. "Listen, boy. We are Exorcists. We know everything about you. We-"

"Hold on!" Rin butted in, eyes narrowed. "If you know everything about me, then…_what am I thinking right now_?"

"Um…" Mephisto paused for a moment. "Breathing?"

"…Damn you're good!"

"Look, since you're the son of Satan," Mephisto continued, getting to the point, "you have two choices. We Exorcists can either kill you, or you can choose what's behind door number two and escape after killing us. It's your choice."

"Then I choose Whoopi Goldberg for the block and the win, please." Rin stated.

"…What?"

"Let me join you guys and become an Exorcist!"

"Oh." Mephisto frowned. "Then just SAY that!" He thought about it for a moment, regarding Rin. "So, what would you _do_ if you became an Exorcist?"

"That's easy!" Rin snarled, face morphing into a mask of rage. "_I'd get that fucker Satan and_…"

Mephisto's eyes widened.

_"…Take him to DINNER."_

There was a long silence.

"What? He's my dad, I don't wanna be RUDE."

"Goddammit, Fujimoto," Mephisto whispered to himself.

-Episode 2 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Phew, finally done. I wasn't able to finish this one as fast as I would have liked, but here ya go. Thanks for all your reviews! See ya next time!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Why am I enjoying this so much? Is it because I have nothing better to do? Or is it because I have no soul? I seem to enjoy putting the beloved characters of this anime through misery. Oh, well. At least you're all enjoying it along with me. Here's another episode! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 3

Brothers

Rin stood inside the empty, quiet church, his loving home for the past fifteen years. Memories came to him, unbidden, ripe with strong emotions and fond sentiment.

"We're having curry tonight!" A younger Reverend Fujimoto sang, dancing into the living room with plates of food balanced on his hands. The young twins groaned loudly in protest.

"Awww, not curry AGAIN!" Rin complained. "We've been having curry every night for a _week_! I'm SHITTING curry!"

"Shut up!" Fujimoto snapped, slamming the plates onto the table and glaring at the two. "It's all we can afford right now! You will eat this curry and you will LIKE it! It's either this, or the wooden spoon!"

Both children cowered in fear.

"Not the kneecaps again, daddy!" Rin squealed, hugging his bruised legs.

"…Good Lord, why aren't I RUNNING out of this shit-hole?" Rin mumbled to himself, bringing everyone back to the present. He shrugged and turned away, walking out of the church and approaching the large iron-wrought front gates. He stopped to say his goodbyes to several of the church members who stood waiting.

"Take care!" One said, grinning and patting Rin on the back.

"Ya, man! You be good, now, bruddah!" Said another, who had decided to become a Rastafarian after the incident with the shrooms. He wore sunglasses and had his hair in dreads. Rin stared at him.

"…You sound like Miss Cleo," he stated finally. The others ignored him.

"Don't forget! This is your home!" The first man said, smiling gently. "…Nowww, get the eff out."

"But before ya go! Here, man! We got ya a present!"

Rin blinked in surprise and accepted a small cardboard box from the two men. He grinned and began ripping it open eagerly.

"Aww, you guys shouldn't have! That's so nice of you! You guys got me…_air_?" The box was empty. "…Did one of you guys fart in it?"

"No, silly!" The first man laughed. "It'll be your home now that you're a hobo! You should probably get used to wiping your ass with your hand- oh wait, you're already an expert on that, right? _Ahahahaha_!"

Rin threw his head back and joined in, then suddenly leapt on the man and vigorously rubbed his foul hands all over the man's face.

"By the way, where's Yukio?" Rin asked, stepping away from the flailing man and glancing about. "I haven't seen him all morning. He must be at…HOOTERS."

"…Uh, no, Rin. I tink he's at da graveyard."

"…Well just in case, I'm gonna go check Hooters for titties- I mean Yukio's titties- I mean…YUKIO." Rin paused for a moment. "I like titties."

The writer took this as her cue to change the damn scene already.

-Later-

Later, after the titties- I mean….dammit, Rin! *_Ahem_.* A little later on, Rin stood waiting for his ride to show up, and what better way to do that than stand in the middle of the road like a complete moron? Take notes, kiddies!

"GET OUTTA THE ROAD, DIPSHIT!" A man roared from his car, spinning the wheel and screeching around Rin, narrowly missing the foolish boy.

"Thanks! You too!" Rin smiled and waved back at the man, who flipped him off. "What a nice guy!" He turned and peered off down the road, tapping a foot impatiently. "Damn! That one-man clown act is late!" He giggled quietly to himself. "Yay, _PUNS_!"

Suddenly a bright pink limousine cruised down the road and pulled up beside Rin. A window slowly lowered to reveal a grinning Mephisto inside.

"Hey kid," the eccentric man said jokingly. "How much for a lap-dance?"

"Oh, that is SO not- TWENTY BUCKS." Rin dead-panned. Mephisto frowned.

"…I've only got a five on me."

"Ugh, FINE," Rin sighed and began booty-dancing. "I'm-a…_slaaaave_…for _youuuu_…I cannot hide it-"

"Okay, enough. Hurry and get in the car before I get arrested," Mephisto snapped. "AGAIN."

Rin reached for the handle, then paused.

"…Wait a second. Where are you gonna take me in this gay-mobile? I know! You're planning on selling my incredibly hot body into sex-slavery, aren't you? Admit it!"

"Kid," Mephisto sighed, "if I was gonna use your body for anything, I'd make it into glue. Now GET IN." Rin still hesitated, so Mephisto opened the door and stepped out himself. "We're going to True Cross Academy," he explained. "I'm the principal there, and from today onward you shall be a student. Understand?"

"…Will I learn how to turn men gay with a wink just like you?" Rin asked dreamily after a moment.

"NO," Mephisto growled back. "It's like Maybelline. You have to be born with it. Now get in the car!" He began shoving Rin violently into the car when Yukio walked up from the street. He stared at the two for a moment before speaking.

"…I'd like to thank you for kidnapping my brother," he began, raising a brow at the sight, "but I am contractually obligated to care."

"I love you too, asshole!"

"Mr. Du-Fancy-Pants, what's going on?" Yukio asked Mephisto, and Rin sputtered out a laugh.

"Shhh! William Du-Fancy-Pants is the name I use in public," Mephisto told him, leaning close and whispering.

"I can think of a better name," Rin whispered back.

"Oh? What?"

"Stinky McSHIT-"

"Not that again!"

Rin and Yukio were quickly hustled inside the limousine with Mephisto, the car taking off and zooming through the busy city traffic. After several minutes, Rin turned to look outside the window and gasped in awe as a huge, multi-layered building on a hill appeared in the distance.

"There it is!" Mephisto announced. "Welcome to-"

"Oh my God it's HOGWARTS!" Rin squealed, bouncing up and down on his seat. "I knew I was a real wizard!"

"No, you're not, Rin!" Yukio snapped irritably. "It's True Cross Academy!"

"Expelliarmus!" Rin cried, pointing at his brother. Yukio blinked.

"…Did you just try to cast a spell on me?"

"Maybe." Rin paused. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

"You're a Muggle," Yukio stated, turning away. "And it's Levi-oh-SAH."

"I KNEW YOU LIKED THOSE BOOKS!"

Just then, the limousine pulled up at the school's grand front walk. Mephisto glanced at Rin and gave him a look-over. "You should change into your uniform."

Rin obeyed, taking out his uniform and changing his clothes in the car (uh, weird?). As Rin finished knotting his tie, he turned to Mephisto with a troubled look.

"…Did you have to film the whole thing?" He asked.

"Yes," Mephisto answered, lowering the camera. "It's for…documentation."

"…Documentation of my penis?"

"…YES. Only the finest Grade-A penises are allowed to enter these halls."

"That's what she said," Rin stated matter-of-factly, then snorted with laughter. When he heard nothing from his brother, he turned and gave Yukio a strange look. "What's wrong, Yukio? You always properly chastise me after my blithe dick jokes. What gives?" Yukio blinked and looked up.

"…I'm sorry," he told Rin blankly. "Could you please not talk to me? I have explosive diarrhea and it's taking all my concentration to keep my sphincter tensed so I don't lose control of my bowels and soil my pants."

"…_Dude_…what is WRONG with- oh wait that's perfectly normal." Rin shrugged and wriggled out of the car.

Rin and Yukio were quickly ushered into the huge school and into an even huger auditorium. There, Yukio was called upon as the Freshman Representative, and so made his way proudly up the steps of the front stage and stopped at the podium at its center for a short speech. A flurry of panties were flung from the crowd, followed by a dirty pair of boxer shorts.

"Dammit, Rin!" Yukio exploded, kicking them away. "I know you want to support me, but this is _too_-"

"Uhh, that wasn't me."

Another boy from the crowd waved a hand and winked. Yukio gulped and quickly began his speech. Several young girls seated in front of Rin giggled and whispered to one another.

"He got the highest grade on the entrance exam! He's so cool!"

"Damn, girl! He is _fiiiine_! I'd tap that!"

"Hells yeah! I'd spread him over some crackers and-"

"HEY!" Rin cut in, glaring at the girls. "That is my twin brother up there, you _skanks_! Watch what you say about him!" He paused. "Or hit on me a little, too. I want some sweet lovin'!" He got kneed in the balls, which was about as much action as he was likely to get.

After the speech, all the students gathered outside, girls swamping Yukio and begging him to sign their panties. The boy from before shyly approached as well, until Yukio caught sight of him.

"That is NOT happening."

The boy turned away, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Rin stood nearby, watching his brother with a mixture of pride and jealousy. He had also tried signing girls' panties, but had only received several restraining orders and yet more bruises on his balls. The only person who agreed was the janitor, and Rin didn't think he would sink that low. YET. More memories suddenly came to him, of he and Yukio as children one Christmas Eve.

"I…I wanna be a doctor!" Yukio declared timidly. Rin put down his Barbie and smiled at his sibling.

"Really? That's great! Go for it, Yukio!" He cheered his brother on happily. "As for me, I wanna be…" Here he paused dramatically for effect. "TYRA BANKS."

Yukio didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't possible. …OR WAS IT?

-Later That Day…-

Later that day, Rin wandered around the enormous school, gawking and exclaiming aloud over its grandness. The library, the cafeteria, everything was amazing! He wandered into the bathroom and gasped in wonder.

"Holy CRAP it's like the Emerald City of Oz in here! I could drop a load in these sinks! They're THAT fancy!" He turned and kicked open a nearby stall. "Wow! Heated seats!"

"Dude, I'm taking a SHIT! Close the door!" A student snarled, sitting in the stall and clutching a roll of toilet paper. Rin stared at him blankly.

"How would you rate your bowel movement experience on a scale of one to ten?" He asked solemnly. The boy frowned.

"ELEVEN. Now get OUT!"

Rin finally wound up in a classroom, a line of toilet paper trailing from the bottom of his shoe. He sat at a desk, _ooh_ing and _ahh_ing at its comfortable ass-molding seat and pleasing scent.

"How the hell did that guy get into this school?" Some students whispered in a corner, sneaking glances at Rin. "What's wrong with him? Shouldn't he be in Special Ed or something?"

"Hey, assholes!" Rin glared over at them. "I'll have you know I passed the entrance test by fitting the shapes into the right holes! And it was damn HARD, too!"

"…_Eww_! You mean you _slept_ your way into the school?"

"What?" Rin sputtered. "No, I- you can sleep your way in?" He paused. "Why didn't anyone tell me? Then I wouldn't have had to _study_!"

Finally the classes were over, and Rin was allowed to retire to his dorm… wherever the eff that was. Right now he was having trouble distinguishing his left foot from his right, so finding his dorm was out of the question at the moment. On top of that, he had a violent urge to pee with nary a restroom or potted plant in sight. Needless to say, he was running out of options.

"_Gaaawd_, I'm gonna blow any second here! Where's the damn bathroom? Everything within a twenty-foot radius is in danger here!" Rin glanced downward to find his pants already soaked. "Dammit, I'm too late! Not again!"

"_Bark_!"

"Eh?" Rin turned to find a small white dog with long fur and a bow around its neck standing beside him, one leg in the air. Rin suddenly realized what had happened. "Hey, this is my leg, not your personal piss-pole! …But at least we think alike. What's up, mutt?"

"Bark! Bark!"

"What's that? Timmy's in the well?" Rin cocked his head, listening. "…Maybe he won't mind if I piss in it first before hauling him out. Let's go, Lassie!"

He followed the small dog outside the school building, where it hopped up on some nearby lamps and waited, tail wagging. As Rin approached, the dog promptly exploded in a pink cloud, which dispersed to reveal…

Mephisto!

"What? Mephisto?" Rin exclaimed. "That was you? That's amazing! You can…"

"Yes," Mephisto smirked, "I am quite talented. I can-"

"Lick your own balls?" Rin finished, eyes wide with disgust. "That…is SO… _awesome_! Teach me! Teach me! Please?"

"Enough!" Mephisto barked (yay _punnnns_), reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small key. He tossed it to Rin with a wink. "Here, for you!" Rin caught it and stared at Mephisto, eyes narrowed and suspicious.

"…Are you hitting on me again?"

"What? No! That's the key for you to get to your cram school!"

"Oh." Rin looked vaguely disappointed. "What, I'm not good enough for you? And what's this 'cram school' you're yapping about? Puns _hnnnnngh_-"

"Cram school is school for Exorcists," Mephisto explained slowly, not wanting Rin's brain to short-circuit. "In addition to normal high school classes, you'll also be taking Exorcist classes as a Page. You DO want to become an Exorcist, correct?"

Rin raised his hand.

"…Yes?"

"I…changed my mind. I'd rather be shot."

"Too late."

"_Godammit_!"

"And one last thing." Mephisto jumped down from the lamps and approached Rin, his normally smirking face serious. "It's a secret that you're Satan's offspring. So try to control your flames. Understand?"

"Okay, I'll do my best." Rin nodded, his expression determined.

"There's a bee on your shoulder."

"_OHMIGOD GET IT OFFFFF_!" Rin immediately burst into blue flames and pin-wheeled his arms about, howling in horror. He froze and looked back at Mephisto sheepishly. "Oh. Right. The flames thing. Sorry."

"I rather expected it. Follow me." Mephisto leaped and dropped down a nearby bridge. Rin gasped in shock and rushed to the railing to find Mephisto standing at the bottom of the relatively short drop.

"_Dude_!" Rin snapped. "…Don't get my hopes up like that."

"Get down here before I wink at you again!"

Once he'd rather hastily joined Mephisto at the bottom, Rin tried out his nifty new key on the large doorway underneath. He opened it to reveal a long tiled hallway with multi-colored stained glass windows. Entering the hall with Mephisto, the two made their way down the hall until they stopped at a certain door.

"Ein, Zwei, Drei!" Mephisto muttered to himself, transforming with a puff of pink smoke into the small white dog.

"Um, bless you?" Rin said uncertainly. "Oh, and hey! You're a dog again! Let the ball-licking commence!" Mephisto growled at him.

"This is your classroom. Go on, open the door. It's the first step you'll take to becoming an Exorcist."

Rin gulped and stared at the door. Slowly he reached out his hand, bringing it closer to the door handle. Closer…closer….CLOSER-

"Oh shit wait think of all the _germs_ on that thing I gotta Purell it-"

"Get in there!"

Rin went tumbling through the door, Mephisto snapping at his heels. Scrambling to his feet, Rin glanced about the classroom, taking note of the small group of students already seated. There were two girls sitting together whom Rin suspected were lesbians, a strange hooded person in the back who Rin suspected was a rapist, a small boy with a puppet whom Rin suspected was motherfucking AWESOME, and a group of boys whom Rin suspected were a boy band. He briefly wondered if he could join.

Pushing these thoughts aside, Rin stood up tall and stuck his chest out, holding his head high.

"Hi there," he addressed his classmates. "I'm Rin Okumura, and this is MY anime about ME. You're all minor characters and no-one gives a watery _stool_ about any of you. Get used to it." He sauntered to his desk, sat down, and plonked his feet on the table. He leaned back in his chair and grinned. "I think that went well."

"Asshole!" A water bottle flew out of nowhere and conked him on the head. "You smell like dog piss!"

"It's called Social Darwinism so _shut up_!" Rin snapped back. Mephisto scuttled up beside him, speaking to Rin in a quiet voice.

"These kids are all studying to be Exorcists as well. Many of them already have their Spirit Wounds, illnesses or injuries caused by Demons that allow them to see them."

"That's cool. Hey, wait!" Rin cocked an eyebrow. "What would you get from _sleeping_ with a Demon?"

"…You mean besides no phone call in the morning and Demon Herpes?"

"Okay, nevermind."

The door to the classroom opened, and yet another person entered. They walked to the desk at the front of the room and stopped. Rin looked up to see who it was.

"Hello, class. I'm your teacher, Yukio Okumura. Nice to meet you." Yukio smiled innocently at his pupils. Rin sat in his chair, eyes wide and mouth agape.

"Dun dun DUNNNN!"

"Rin, you have detention."

"WHAT THE SHIT-"

"Now, let's begin class." Yukio turned away and started writing on the chalk-board. Rin stood up from his chair, sputtering in confusion.

"Yukio? Wait! What the hell are YOU doing here?"

"I've been studying to be an Exorcist since I was seven," Yukio explained over his shoulder. Mephisto pawed at Rin and whispered.

"He's the youngest person to ever get the Exorcist certificate." He stopped for a moment. "He also helps little old ladies cross the street and changes their light-bulbs in his spare time-"

"And he heals the blind and the lame he's flippin' Jesus Christ I get it!" Rin cut him off sourly, rolling his eyes. "This is supposed to be MY anime, dammit!"

"Alright, class!" Yukio announced, grabbing everyone's attention. "Whoever hasn't gotten a Spirit Wound yet, prepare to scream. We're going to call out some Goblins and have them maul you."

"Uhh…Sensei?" A timid girl in the front asked. "That sounds…_dangerous_."

"Oh, don't worry," Yukio gently assured her. "You will be perfectly fi- JESUS CHRIST LOOKIT THE _SIZE_ OF THAT ONE!"

"_EEEEEEEK_!" The girl threw herself under her desk and cowered in fear.

"Just kidding. A little humor to lighten the mood." Yukio laughed. "Now, as I was saying, these Demons will eat your face, and then-"

"Yukio, explain this to me!" Rin demanded, standing up once again.

"You are in class. Sit down."

"Oh. Excuse me." Rin took his seat and politely raised his hand.

"Yes, Rin?"

"EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, GODAMMIT!" Rin roared, slamming a fist on his desk. When Yukio didn't answer, he stormed to the front of the classroom and grabbed his brother's arm. "Dammit, Yukio! Don't you _dare_ pretend like nothing happened last night! What happened between us…I thought it was SPECIAL! Didn't it MEAN anything to you?"

An awkward silence descended on the classroom for a long moment.

"…I ship it," the timid girl stated.

"Shut up with your twin-cest fantasies!" Rin snapped, rounding on her.

"Alright, enough! Everyone out!" Yukio ordered, forcing the students from their desks into the hallway outside.

"Oh, I am SO gonna write a fanfic about this-" the same girl muttered.

"OUT!" Yukio slammed the door shut, then turned to his brother. "_What_?"

"I want an explanation!" Rin growled. "Mephisto! You said that- _QUIT LICKING YOUR BALLS_!"

"Huh?" Mephisto lifted his head and twitched his doggy ears. "What?"

"I became an Exorcist two years ago," Yukio explained. "Father trained me." He paused. "I begged him to let a _real_ Exorcist do it, but he insisted he be the one. Regardless, I somehow managed to pass the test, and here I am. An Exorcist."

"So…you _knew_ about everything this whole time?" Rin gaped.

"Yes." Yukio sighed deeply. "I've always been able to see Demons, since I got a Spirit Wound from-"

"Banging a Demon?"

"…No! You gave me one while we were in the womb!"

"Oh." Rin blinked. "You're welcome. And in my defense, the Demon Herpes would explain the freakish spots on your face." He stared at Yukio for a long moment. "Let's arm-wrestle."

"What? Rin, this is hardly the time and place-" Yukio began.

"You're just afraid I'll win! Come on, Moley!" Rin grabbed his arm as Yukio struggled.

"No! Wait! I didn't say 'go' yet!" As the two struggled, a vial of blood from Yukio's suitcase fell from the table and hit the floor, shattering and spilling everywhere. The twins stared at it for a quiet moment.

"…Well I sure hope _that_ doesn't-" Rin began.

_*CRASH CRASH CRASH!*_ The ceiling suddenly exploded, as well as several old pipes, sending clouds of dust about the room as something sinister drew near.

"Was it too much to ask for, God?" Rin cried heavenward.

"Yes. Yes it was," God answered. "Now quit saying 'Godammit'."

"God-" Rin stopped himself just in time. "Uh…I mean…Satandammit?"

"Better." God nodded. "Watch out for the Goblins."

"Watch out for the whaOHMIGOD!" Rin stumbled backwards as hordes of Goblins descended from the ceiling. They were the same little imp-like Demons from the first episode, ugly and leering. "Eeeek it's my boss she's back hold me Yukio!"

*_Blam blam_!*

"…Or just shoot them. That works too," Rin stated, Goblin blood spattered on his face. Yukio rolled his eyes, lifted the two guns in his hands, and aimed again.

*_Blam_!*

"Hey! We're not done talking!" Rin snapped.

*_Blam blam_!*

"Don't try to change the subject! This isn't about me! It's about YOU!"

*_Blam blam_!*

"No I am NOT being unreasonable! And you could at least LOOK at me while you shoot-talk to me! Show me some damn _respect_!" Rin had had enough. "Yukio! Tell me! What did you think about me until now?"

"What did I think of you?" Yukio paused from his slaughter, finally answering his brother. "That's obvious." Without turning, he cocked his arm, aimed at a Goblin behind his back, and fired.

"…You missed! The hell are you _doing_? Aim properly!"  
>"Sh…shut up!" Yukio blushed, turned, and shot the Goblin to pieces. "Why did you say you wanted to become an Exorcist, Rin? Boredom? Stupidity? You should have…<em>just DIED<em>!"

"I'm sensing some hostility here. Wait…are you saying…that this is _my_ fault?" Rin gasped. Yukio ignored him, taking pot-shots at the shrieking Goblins while he continued speaking angrily.

"Dad was constantly targeted by Satan! He kept him at bay through sheer will power! Plus Satan didn't like how he smelled. You must have done something…_said_ something to make him weak! You did, didn't you? You-"

*_Ding ding ding_!*

"Sweet, I won first prize! _Whee_!" Yukio turned from shooting Goblins, snatched up a plushie, and gave it a squeeze.

"Omigosh it's _Totoro_!" Rin squealed with glee. "Can I hold-"

Yukio shot it in the face.

"Dude, what is your DEAL?"

"It's your fault, Rin!" Yukio declared, leveling the barrel of his gun at his brother. "You killed Father!" Rin stared back at him, eyes wide with horror.

"Dun dun DUNNNN!"

"_WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT_?"

"Alright, _listen up_," Rin growled, suddenly growing serious. Blue flames crackled about him, and his eyes gleamed as he removed Kurikara from its sheath. "You're right to call me an idiot, because I _are_. But…don't you EVER point a gun at me!" He paused, sword raised. "It's just not _polite_."

Behind Yukio, an enormous Hobgoblin, bloated and tongue-wagging, was descending from the ceiling. Yukio continued glaring at his brother, unawares.

"I didn't kill dad," Rin went on, "but, if it'll make you feel better…then go ahead and shoot!"

*_Blam_!*

"Wow! You're right!" Yukio blinked and lowered his smoking barrel. "I DO feel better!"

"Auuuuugh I feel worse!" Rin howled, rolling about on the floor clutching his bleeding leg. "Why, love, _whyyyy_?"

"…Can I do it again?"

"NO!" Rin struggled back to his feet, then leapt at his brother. "You son of a- ! Take THIS!" His sword swung down, slicing through...

The huge Hobgoblin that was seconds away from killing Yukio. It gave an almighty screech and exploded into a cloud of foul-smelling vapors rivaling Rin's 30-minute caper on the can he was so proud of. Yukio gasped in surprise, eyes wide at his brother's sudden action.

"Rin! You…you _saved_ me!"

"What? Oh. Yeah. Right. I did save you." Rin blinked rapidly for several moments. "FOR LAST. I mean…" He cleared his throat and decided to change the subject. "Don't think so lowly of me. I wouldn't fight my own brother."

"God, you're an idiot." Yukio grinned and shook his head.

"What'd you say, four-eyes?" Rin leapt on him, fists swinging. After a short scuffle, the two separated and regarded each other warily.

"So…what were dad's last moments like?" Yukio finally asked.

"He…was _super_ cool," Rin smiled at the memory. "He played in a pit of heads with me. …And then he shit his pants." He paused. "That wasn't as cool."

Yukio smiled as well, eyes misting over as a flashback took over the scene. A much younger Yukio sat alone by himself, sobbing quietly and shivering in fear.

"Help…I'm scared…I don't wanna see those Demons anymore…daddy…help!"

"BOO!" Fujimoto popped up behind his son and scared the living daylights out of the poor boy.

"_Gwaaagh_! Daddy, you're an a-hole!" The little Yukio kicked him in the shin and pouted.

"Ow, ow! Okay, I'm sorry!" Fujimoto stopped hopping about in pain and knelt next to the boy. "Yukio, come with daddy. Become an Exorcist. Then you'll be strong enough to protect your big brother!"

"An Exorcist…" The young Yukio whispered quietly. "Heck NO! I'm gonna be a _Princess_!" He twirled in place and then curtsied.

"Dammit, Yukio! We've been _over_ this! You're gonna be an Exorcist, and that is FINAL!"

"No! I hate you, daddy!"

"Ha, would you look at that," Yukio laughed to himself, back in the present. "Our reasons for becoming Exorcists are the same, only with differing levels of stupidity. Rin," he looked at his brother, who paused in his nose-picking. "If you really want to be an Exorcist, that won't be the last time you hear those words."

"…Which ones?" Rin asked after a pause. "Idiot?"

"That's a given. I meant-"

"Sexy beast?"

"No, Rin! What I meant was-"

"Lay it on me?"

"NO _God_ Rin JUST DIE!"

There was a long, awkward pause.

"Oh." Rin blinked. "Those."

Yukio went to the door to let in the students once again. They entered the classroom and gaped at the mess and destruction caused by the fight.

"_Jesus_, did you two have violent sex in here or _what_?" The same girl asked angrily. "And you didn't even ask us if we wanted to _watch_? Now that's just SELFISH." Rin turned and looked at his brother.

"Okay, you seriously have to do something about her."

-Later That Night-

After a long day of fights, insults, and implied sexual intercourse with his twin brother, Rin was finally ready to find his room and hit the sack. He had managed to locate his dorm, and now searched the halls for his assigned room. Upon finding the correct number, he slid the door open and peered inside. A shadow appeared in the hallway behind him, and he felt a strange presence nearby.

"No means NO!" Rin screeched, whirling about and adopting a defensive stance. "…Unless you're really cute. Then I wouldn't mind."

"Uhhh…it's me." Yukio stood before Rin, frowning. "What was that about-"

"Nothing!" Rin hurriedly interrupted him. "So, uh…what are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? We're _roommates_!" Yukio skipped past Rin, snapped on the lights, and hopped onto one of the beds. "I got the higher-ups to agree to it. Now I can keep a close eye on you and make sure you don't get into trouble! Plus we can stay up late talking about boys and painting our fingernails and brushing our hair-"

"Oh GOD this is gonna be a living HELL!" Rin choked out in horror. Yukio stopped his gushing excitement and blinked.

"…Well we don't have to do the facials if you don't want to, " he said pointedly. "Is it really going to be that bad having me keep an eye on you twenty-four-seven?"

"Not _that_, Yukio!" Rin hissed out, shaking his head. "The _fanfics_, man, the _FANFICS_!"

"Oh," Yukio stated. "Shit."

-Episode 3 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Whew, done. This one was actually a bit harder to write than the previous two. Dunno why. I just had a more difficult time funnying it up. Still came out decent, so I'm happy with it. And hopefully you will be too! Thanks for reading! Review, please!


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Yay, here's the next one. No troubles this time, just smooth sailing. I had quite a bit of fun with Shiemi. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 4

The Amahara Garden

In a large, opulent garden filled with many different kinds of trees and plants, amidst the sweet aroma of flowers and the chirping of birds, an elderly woman sat with a small blond girl in a Japanese kimono. The elderly woman smiled kindly down at the girl, who gazed up at her with rapt adoration.

"The Amahara Garden?" The little girl asked excitedly, leaning closer.

"Yes," the old woman answered, chuckling. "It's a wonderful garden that God created. There, he gathered all the plants and flowers of the whole world."

"Every plant?" The girl repeated in awe, eyes sparkling. "Even _weed_?"

"…You need to get out more, honey," the old woman answered after a moment.

"That sounds like an amazing garden!" The girl squealed. "Wow, so even God likes to get down and dirty with his hoe?"

"…REALLY need to get out more," the elderly woman muttered, rubbing her temples.

"I'm gonna go there!" The small girl suddenly declared, face serious. "I'm gonna find that garden! Granny! Come with me!" She reached forward and grabbed her Grandmother's arm tightly.

"Honey, I can't," the elderly woman said sadly. The girl blinked.

"What? Why not?"

"Because, honey," her Grandmother explained patiently, "you _just_ shattered my arm." At that moment her arm made a soft tinkling noise, like china crumbling. "Seriously, it's like a bag of broken glass. Tell you what, dear. When you're older, why don't you go find the Garden of Amahara yourself?"

"Okay," the girl agreed. "I love you, Granny!" She leaned forward and threw her arms around her Grandmother in a loving hug.

"…Aaaaand there goes my hip and most of my internal organs," the old woman sighed. "Old age is a _bitch_."

-Back in the Present-

Rin sat in bed inside his dorm-room, leaning over a book and sobbing like he was on The Young and the Restless and had been cheated on by his twin-brother's ex-girlfriend who was actually their cousin twice removed was who actually a man. Which would kinda make him gay. But anyway. Back to the book-reading.

"Good GOD, Edward, just DO her already!" Rin muttered to himself, sniffling. "She's already assumed the position! Seriously, what are you _waiting_ for?"

"Hey! That's mine!" Yukio snapped, appearing out of nowhere and snatching the book from Rin's grasp. "…Wait a second. Did you wash your hands before touching this?"

"No, why?"

"Because now this book is even shittier than it was before," Yukio sighed, tossing the book in the trash where it belonged. "Now, Rin! Tell me. How are your studies going? Have you looked at the materials I gave you?" He gestured to a small stack of books beside Rin's bed.

"Yeah, I did," Rin shot back hotly, "and I didn't understand jack-_SHIT_! I can't read something that _advanced_-"

"Rin. Those are children's books."

"Oh." Rink blinked and paused. "Can I have that Twilight book back?"

"NO!" Yukio gave up. "Forget it, Rin. Maybe you're just not suited for this."

"Excuse me?" Rin's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying I'm not suited for sitting at a desk and learning?"

"No," Yukio returned, "I'm saying you're not suited for going around without a HELMET-"

"_What_? Why you…you…_face constellation_!"

Yukio stared at his brother in silence.

"Yeah I was kinda grasping at straws for that one," Rin admitted. "I'll do better next time. In my defense, it does kinda look like the big dipper."

Yukio rolled his eyes and moved away, grabbing his jacket from the closet.

"I'm going out for a bit. I've received a request, so I'm going shopping."

"Oh my _Gaaawd_, shopping!" Rin drawled sarcastically, mocking his brother. "Make sure to get some cute _shooooes_!"

"Knock it off. It's for an Exorcism."

"Hey, who says an Exorcist can't be fashionable?" Rin stated, raising an eyebrow. "Have you SEEN my ass in these jeans?"

"…Let's _not_ give the fan-girls any more material for their fanfics, shall we?"

"Well, _gee_, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to make out, but if that's how you're gonna be-"

"Alright listen." Yukio turned and glared at his twin. "Will you stop if I let you come along?"

"I'll stop," Rin agreed. "…But only if you WANT me to-"

"OKAY LET'S GO." Yukio grabbed Rin by the scruff of the neck and began hauling him toward the door. Snatching up his own jacket, Rin broke free and followed his brother, who paused and glanced back. "Like I said, you can come along. But _only_ to _observe_-"

"Yeah, yeah." Rin pushed past Yukio and opened the door. "Kill anything that moves. Got it." He yanked Kurikara from his sheath and roared down the hall. "_WHO WANTS TO DIE_?"

Several girly slaps and verbal insults later, Rin had been calmed down and the brothers departed the dorm via a portal created by Yukio's special key. Once 'unlocked', the door opened to reveal a stunningly large arched bridge, which spanned the city's skyline. Rin gasped at the magnificent sight, goggling.

"_Whoooa_! So HIGH!" He ran to the edge and peered over, squinting at the ground far, far below.

"Impressive, isn't it?" Yukio said with a smile. "This bridge is-"

"I wonder if I hawked a loogie over the edge, could it KILL someone by the time it hits the bottom?" Rin thought aloud. "Here, let's try. _HERRRRK_-"

"YOU SWALLOW THAT RIGHT NOW." Yukio was beside him in an instant, the barrel of his gun being quite intimate with Rin's right nostril. He wisely obeyed. "Taste that? That's the flavor of _defeat_. Now get moving." Yukio snatched Rin away from the edge and shoved him along the huge bridge. "By the way, you should take good care of that key Mephisto gave you. It's very precious to- STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE WITH IT!"

"What? Sorry, I thought your gun left something up there." Rin pulled the key out and wiped it on his shirt. "Okay, let's- oh shit hold on. I think I just dropped it."

"Dammit, Rin! Those keys are really important! Mephisto's gonna _kill_ you!"

"Hey, as long as he doesn't hit on me again, I'm fine," Rin grunted, searching on his hands and knees.

"…Again?" Yukio muttered to himself.

Finally locating his key (which had been in his pocket the entire time) Rin and his brother began moving along the bridge once again, drawing closer to the end, where a single house surrounded by green gardens perched on an island. Upon reaching the abode, Yukio stopped at the base of the steps.

"Alright, I'm going inside to buy some supplies." He turned to Rin and held out a hand, palm downward, and spoke in a calm, firm voice. "STAY."

"…I'm not a damn _dog_!" Rin cried in outrage.

"Huh?" Yukio looked up from where he'd been tying the end of Rin's leash to the fence. "Oh yeah right." He quickly shoved the leash into his pocket and began walking up the stairs. Suddenly he whirled around, tripped a little, managed to catch himself, and glared down at his brother, pointing accusingly. "Don't loiter around or touch anything! And don't talk to strangers, they'll try and touch your dick."

"Who says that's a BAD thing?" Rin shot back. "And stop treating me like I'm a little brat! Who are you, my mother?"

"I am NOT!" Yukio barked, then paused. "Are you wearing clean underwear?"

"Yes, they're clean!"

"Okay good." Yukio turned back up the stairs.

"…Or at least they were last WEDNESDAY," Rin finished in a hushed whisper.

…_EW_.

It didn't take long for Rin to lose interest in his immediate surroundings and begin wandering around the premises just as Yukio had forbade him to do. Finding a small path that ended at an iron gate, he drew near, curious. Peering through the bars, Rin gasped at the sight of the lovely garden inside, filled with dozens of different flowers, plants, and trees. Amidst the scenery, a pretty blond girl sat on the grass, cupping a flower tenderly in her hands. As Rin watched, the girl leaned closer to the flower, eyes closing, lips puckering-

*_BZZZRT_!*

"_GERRRK_!" In Rin's haste to see the rather strange girl make out with a flower, he had inadvertently touched the gate, which sparked blue at his presence and began ringing in alarm. "Aw, shit, sorry! I…I didn't mean to set that off!" The girl in the garden stared at Rin, jaw hanging open, eyes wide. "I'm _not_ a Demon!"

"Warning, warning," the gate said in a British accent. "Demon intruder. Demon intruder."

"Shut the eff _up_, gate! Don't be an asshole!" Rin angrily punched the gate, which gave a creak and toppled over. "…Hey man I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You okay?" The gate didn't respond. "God, you don't have to be a prick about it."

"D…Demon!" The girl squealed in fear, cowering away from Rin. "CRAZY Demon!"

"_Hey_! I wasn't the one about to tongue-kiss a daisy!" Rin shot back. He took a step forward and the girl fell back, squeaking in terror.

"Get away!" She cried, attempting to run but falling on her face with a squawk. Lifting herself up on her hands, she began dragging herself over the lawn, legs flopping about uselessly behind her.

"Uh…do you need help…running away from me?" Rin asked awkwardly.

"N-no!" The girl flailed about for another moment. "Uh, maybe?"

-Meanwhile…-

Meanwhile, inside the shop, Yukio was busy making his purchase with the owner of the store, a middle-aged woman with her long brown hair up in a bun.

"I need St. John's Wort," Yukio read off his order, "Fern, Holy Water, and six dozen of my silver bullets." He paused. "…And some weed." The store-owner stared at him, one brow raised. "Don't judge me."

"Thank you for your patronage," the woman said, handing Yukio a paper bag with his supplies. "Things are getting bad here, Yukio. Shiemi's legs are getting worse and worse, but the doctor's aren't finding anything wrong with her. Also, she's mad at me right now, so she hasn't spoken to me in quite a while." She paused for a moment to take a long drag from her pipe. "It's…been…GREAT."

"…Uh…ma'am?"

"Are you SURE we have to save her?"

"If there is a Demon involved, yes," Yukio told her firmly. "Also, I know the number to Child Services." He stared at the woman meaningfully, who frowned.

"Alright, fine."

-Back with Rin…-

Rin crouched outside in the garden, helping the crippled girl plant the afore-mentioned flower. First the girl poured into the small hole a foul-smelling manure fertilizer, which made Rin's eyes water and his nostrils commit suicide.

"_Euuuugh_!" Rin gagged, dry-heaving a little. "That smells like ME after Burrito-Night!"

"I think we got off on the wrong foot," the girl said as Rin placed the flower into the hole and patted it into place. "Let's start again. Hi! I'm Shiemi Moriyama!" She offered her hand, smiling. "Pleased to meet you!"

"I'm Rin Okumura," Rin replied, taking her hand in his and shaking it gently. Suddenly he gasped. "Omigosh didn't you just touch _shit_ oh wait I'm used to it." He instantly calmed down and shrugged. "Eh well. At least I didn't _kiss_ your hand." He stared at Shiemi, face serious. "…I'll do it for a dollar."

"Uh…no thanks." Shiemi withdrew her hand and grimaced. "Anyway, see this garden? It's me and my Grandmother's. We've tended it for years."

"Aww, that's real sweet," Rin said, touched. "Where is she now?"

"Right there." Shiemi pointed behind Rin. He turned to find a half-decayed skeleton poking out from beneath a tomato plant. "She's fertilizing the garden!"

"Oh GOD and I just ATE a TOMATO!" Rin turned to the nearby bushes and retched loudly.

"Aww, and now you're helping, too!" Shiemi gushed. "That's so nice of you! Thank you!"

"_You…need…HELP_." Rin whispered, taking hold of Shiemi's shoulders and shaking her with each word.

"Anyway," the girl went on, ignoring him, "I'm sure Grandma is at the Garden of Amahara already. It's a magical garden created by God, where every kind of flower and plant grows!"

"Wow, everything?" Rin gasped in awe. "Even WEED?"

"Let's be friends!" Shiemi said suddenly. Rin blinked.

"Friends with benefits?"

"…You mean like free Health-care?"

"No, I mean like free SEX-care-"

"Hello, you two," Yukio interrupted, magically appearing between the two.

"Aww, cock-block!" Rin groaned. "Wait, you know this girl?"

"Of course I do," Yukio answered plainly. "She is my adoring admirer of whom I am completely unaware of and indifferent to. Hello, Shiemi. How are you?"

"Take me." Shiemi stared up at him, eyes huge and soulful.

"Nice to hear that you're doing well," Yukio went on as if he hadn't heard her. "So anyway, can I please look at your legs?"

"I thought you'd _never_ ask."

"Shiemi!" The girl's mother appeared behind Yukio, glaring. "Good Lord, girl! Don't give it away so easily! Now stop being stubborn and show this strange man your legs."

"What? _Mom_!" Shiemi drew back, glaring daggers at her mother. "No! Why should I? I don't have anything to do with Demons!"

"Ga-_CHOO_!"

Everyone turned to stare at Rin, who sniffled and wiped his nose.

"'Scuse," he mumbled, then frowned at them. "Well, someone BLESS me!"

"Pardon me." Yukio crouched next to Shiemi and pulled up her kimono to get a look at her legs. Huge swollen veins wreathed her limbs, climbing up from her feet to her calves. It was no wonder she couldn't walk.

"_Euuuugh_," Rin commented, making a face. "You do know they have _surgeries_ for varicose veins these days-"

"They're roots, Rin!" Yukio snapped. "It's a Spirit Wound!"

"_Spirit Wound_?" Rin stepped back, face contorted with horror and disgust. "You _whore_! And to _think_ I was gonna- oh hell I _still_ would-"

"Not _that_ kind of Spirit Wound, Rin!" Yukio counted to ten, gave his inner child a black eye, and managed to check his oncoming heart-attack. "A Demon has possessed a plant in the garden," he explained quietly. "It has reached Shiemi through a crack in her heart." He leaned close to Shiemi, looking her in the eye. "Think _very_ hard, Shiemi. Have you talked to _any_ Demons in the garden lately?"

"N…no! I haven't!" Shiemi protested, shaking her head.

"GA-_CHOOO_!"

Rin glared at the others as they stared, snot dribbling from his nose.

"Godammit! It's cuz you assholes wouldn't BLESS me!"

"Shiemi, enough of this!" Her mother exploded. "Leave this garden already!"

"No! This was Granny's treasure!" Shiemi hollered back. "I HATE you, mom!" She suddenly gave a soft gasp, closed her eyes, and fell to her side in a faint.

"…That is NO way to talk to your MOTHER!" Rin stated after a moment. "GO to your ROOM!"

"Rin, she's-"

"Oh yeah right. CRAWL to your ROOM!"

"RIN ENOUGH!"

-Later-

Shiemi lay in bed, tucked in by Rin and Yukio, who'd dragged her inside a nearby storehouse with a small bedroom. The girl tossed her head, mumbling in her sleep as memories of working in the garden with her Granny came to her.

"Together…always…" She murmured, then turned on her side and farted.

"_Pyew_!" Rin chocked, waving a hand. "Did she have burritos, too?"

"The Demon is sucking out Shiemi's energy through her legs," Yukio explained as they left the small warehouse. "If we don't find it and stop it soon, her life will be in danger."

"…Are you SURE we can't wait just a LITTLE longer-" Shiemi's mother began.

"NO." Yukio glared at her. "What's with this warehouse, anyway?"

"This is where Shiemi's Grandmother used to live. She-"

"You sick shits locked your Grandmother in the _warehouse_?" Rin cried.

"No! She chose to live out here! She secluded herself!" The mother snapped back.

"…Then why is there a lock on the door and bars on the windows?"

"…Feng Shui?"

"Oh." Rin blinked and turned to Yukio. "Hey, can we stop at the store on the way home and get some locks and bars?"

"No!"

"You are a _horrible_ interior decorator!"

The three of them retreated into the shop, where Shiemi's mother began talking about her complicated relationship between her mother and daughter as the twins drank tea.

"I'm not that great a mother," she admitted. "Shiemi has always been frail, so it was usually Granny who cared for her, which is why she's so attached. Sometimes…I'm _jealous_ of their relationship, you know?" She quieted, smiling. "Thank you boys for listening to me. It's so nice to-"

"This tastes like DOG PISS!" Rin suddenly cried, spitting out his tea. He noticed Yukio's skin-scalding glare and gulped. "Can I have seconds?"

"…On second thought, get the eff out."

-Flashback with Shiemi!-

As Shiemi rested in bed, she dreamed of past memories of her and her Grandmother, when she was healthy and her Granny alive.

"Shiemi!" Her Grandmother called, standing in the garden. "Shiemi, come and help me cover the grapes! It's going to be cold tonight!"

"I can't, Granny!" A younger Shiemi argued, skipping up. "I gotta go find the Garden of Amahara!"

"Right, and I've got to go marry Brad Pitt," the old lady shot back. "Now get over here and help me."

"No, _really_!" Shiemi protested, pulling out her wallet. "Look, I saved up some money! I bet I could travel the _world_ with it!"

"…You'll probably get half a Hogie with that amount," the Granny muttered.

"I'm going, Granny!" Shiemi called, dashing toward the entrance. "I'll be back to help you later!"

"Alright, fine! Be careful!" The old woman waved goodbye and sighed as she watched her granddaughter depart. "…She's gonna get _raped_."

Needless to say, that was the last time Shiemi spoke with her Grandmother. Now deceased, Shiemi mourned her Grandmother's passing, regretting her previous decision.

"Granny," Shiemi sniffled, standing in the darkened garden. "The garden's gonna wither and die without you. Oooh, what do I DO?" She covered her face in her hands and sobbed.

"You have to protect this garden!" A small voice suddenly spoke up. Shiemi gasped and looked up.

"Who's there?" She whispered. "Is it…Morgan Freeman? No, wait, it's a girl's voice, so it must be Sigourney Weaver-"

"Alright, enough of that shit! I mean…uh…down here!" The voice called. Shiemi crouched down to find a small, purple flower at her feet. "Feed me, Seymour! I mean…I'm the fairy of the garden! I'll help you!"

"Really? You will?" Shiemi smiled, tears in her eyes. "Alright, I'll give you all my power! Just save the garden!" Suddenly she reached a hand forward and plucked a petal free. "Granny loves me, she loves me not. Granny loves me-"

"_EEEEAAARGH stop it you crazy bitch_!" The flower screamed in agony.

-Back to the Present!-

Back in the present, Shiemi had finally awoken after her fainting spell to find it was already past the evening watering time. Crawling her way outside, she sat beside some bushes and began tending to them with care.

"_Hey_!" Startled, she turned to find Rin stomping toward her, wincing as he crashed his way through several rose-bushes as he did so. "What are you doing out here, Shiemi? Your mom's really worried about you!"

"Leave me alone!" Shiemi pouted and turned away. "I'm gonna protect this garden!"

*_Crash_!*

Shiemi gasped and whirled about in time to see Rin snatching up several potted plants and smashing them on the ground.

"S-stop! What are you doing?" She shrieked.

"…Looking for Rupees," Rin stated.

"_WHAT_?"

"This has gone on for long enough!" Rin threw the last pot aside and grabbed Shiemi by the front of her kimono. "Why are you doing this? Why are you tying yourself to this place?"

"You're touching my boob."

"You're welcome. Now tell me WHY!"

"Because…because it's MY fault!" Shiemi suddenly burst into tears. She remembered exactly how it happened, how she came home late after exploring that day to find her Grandmother collapsed under the grape fence.

"Granny!" She had said. "Aww! The grapes are hugging you! …Granny?"

The old woman didn't move.

"Oh shit."

"If I hadn't gone out," Shiemi sobbed, "if I had just _helped_ her…it's _my_ fault Granny's dead!"

"Wow, she's just like me!" Rin realized, staring down at her. "Except it _totally_ wasn't my fault dad died. Plus my hair is nicer." He paused to run a hand through it and admire its silky tangle-free softness. "Leave it to me," he told Shiemi. "_I'll_ save you…by chopping off your legs!" He raised his sword high as Shiemi shrieked and tried to crawl away.

"No Rin WAIT!" Yukio leapt forward and stopped Rin from drawing his sword. "There's another way!"

"Awww, cock-blocked _again_?" Rin groaned. "Have you no _shame_, Yukio?"

"Listen," Yukio growled, "we just need to take the roots out of her legs, okay?"

"Oh. Okay." Rin paused. "…By chopping off her legs, right?"

"NO, Rin! No chopping!" Yukio took a deep breath. "Our opponent is just a small fry. It's a Demon, hiding somewhere in this garden. It is most probably VERY stupid and hideously ugly. Plus, it can't read good."

"…You talking about me or the Demon?" Rin asked after a moment.

"Oh, no, no, not you," Yukio assured him. "This Demon is MUCH dumber."

"Wow!" Rin was impressed. "That's _sayin'_ something!"

"Why you…you four-eyed _bastard_!" An angry voice hissed out of the air. The Demon, angered by Yukio's taunts, had shown itself. "How DARE you say that retarded ape is smarter than me! I know long division! _Unforgiveable_!"

Shiemi gave a cry of pain as the roots in her legs suddenly swelled and burst free, growing thick and long in a matter of seconds.

"I believe we've found the ROOT of our problem," Yukio stating, drawing his guns. He was met with resounding silence. "…What, nothing? I thought it was pretty good."

"Booo!" Rin called from the back. "You are SO not _punny_!" He paused. "_That's_ how it's done."

"We are one now!" The demon chuckled darkly, huge purple blossoms blooming behind the unconscious Shiemi, the roots and leaves holding her close and combining to become a huge, mutant flower. "Call me…_Seymour_!"

"Damn, it's using Shiemi as a shield!" Yukio cursed.

"Oh yeah? Well, two can play at _that_ game!" Rin suddenly grabbed hold of Yukio and hauled him close. Yukio blinked and stared at him, frowning.

"Aaand…what is this supposed to accomplish exactly?"

"I'm not quite sure," Rin admitted. "I just thought maybe you wanted a hug-"

"I said no more material for the fan-girls!"

"Oh, right, I forgot." Rin shoved Yukio away. The younger twin caught himself and stood, glaring at the Demon.

"Rin, could you help me out with this?" He turned to find his brother staring at him in surprise, eyes wide and jaw swinging open. "Don't make a big deal of it."

"I am not making a big deal of it!" Rin protested, then held out a tape recorder. "Now say it again, slower this time-"

Yuki shot it to bits.

"Fine, forget it!" Rin turned and fluidly drew his sword. Blue flames sprouted from his shoulders, long tail swinging free, his burning horns- "_Hey_! Didn't they use this animation in the LAST episode? Those cheap assholes!"

"Rin, do you want to be replaced with a cardboard cutout?" Yukio snapped at him. "Because it _can_ happen."

"…Okay, nevermind." Rin dashed forward and swung his blade at the evil flower, but had to stop short when it turned toward him, holding Shiemi in the way. He tried again and again, but couldn't follow through in fear of injuring the girl.

"What's wrong?" The Demon laughed, taunting. "Go ahead and cut her!"

"No, I can't!" Rin snarled, stepping back. "She's my one chance in this anime of getting any! It's either that or give in to the fan-girls and their twincest fantasies-"

_BLAM_!

"Yukio what the FRICK? You almost hit me!"

"Sorry!" Yukio called. "My finger slipped."

"Oh yeah? Well my finger just slipped, too!" Rin flipped him off.

"Enough of this. Get back, Rin!" Yukio turned and trained his guns on the Demon-flower. "I've got no choice but to shoot her!"

"What? Yukio!" Rin gasped in shock. "Are you _crazy_? But…but…if you shoot her…which one of us will be the _woman_? I vote for you, since you're the one who knows how to run in high-heels already-"

BLAM!

A bullet pierced Shiemi in the chest, causing the Demon holding her to howl in pain. It dropped the unconscious girl and began to retreat.

"Sic her, boy!" Yukio cried, pointing at the fleeing Demon.

"_Roof roof roof_!" Rin leapt toward it, barking madly. One quick slash of Kurikara, and it was all over. Rin stopped and looked over his shoulder at Yukio. "What, no _treat_?"

Yukio whipped an Oreo at him. Rin downed it in one bite, then stormed toward his brother, eyes blazing.

"Alright, bro, pucker up, because-"

"Huh? Whuzz goin' on?" Shiemi slurred, eyes fluttering open. Rin stopped in his tracks.

"Ohmigosh you're _alive_!" He cried happily. "I don't have to go gay!" He paused. "Why do I feel slightly disappointed?"

"You're alright now, Shiemi," Yukio comforted the confused girl. "Go ahead, try to stand."

Shiemi uncertainly rose to her feet, smiling and clapping her hands with glee when she succeeded.

"Great job!" Rin told her. "Okay, now try _River-Dancing_-"

"Knock it off, Rin!"

"Hey, come on! It was worth a shot!"

As Shiemi tottered about the garden like a two-year old, Rin walked up to Yukio, frowning in confusion.

"Okay, so…what _did_ you shoot her with?"

"Nutrient capsules." Yukio removed the ammo from his guns to show him the red bullets. "They sting a little when they hit."

"Oooh! Lemme see!" Rin snatched the gun from him and shot himself in the forehead. "_SHEE-YIT that stings_- ooOOOooh, _minty_!"

"SHIEMI!" Everyone turned to find Shiemi's mother rushing outside. "You silly girl! I was so worried!"

"Mom! I'm so sorry!" Shiemi rushed to her mother and the two embraced amidst laughter and tears. Rin, watching from the sidelines, broke down in heaving sobs and stumbled over to join the two in their wanton display of affection. Yukio stayed where he was and did little to hide his distaste.

"Come on, Yukio! Join the party!" Rin called, sandwiched between the hugging pair.

"Not happening," Yukio stated bluntly.

"Don't run away from your _feeeelings_!"

"I'm running away from YOU!"

"Well then you're an asshole." Rin paused. "Or are you afraid I'll cop a feel?"

*_Blam blam_!*

-Episode 4 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Well that was fun. Review, please!


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: _Blargh_. Caught a cold last week. Can't seem to shake it off. But I somehow managed to piece together an episode, so here's a new one for y'all. Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 5

Child of the Cursed Temple

It was the dead of night, and Shiemi, who for some strange reason was wearing nothing but a bikini and high-heels, was running (and that takes talent) through the darkness. She ran (or rather, _bounced_) her way through a deserted graveyard, gasping for breath and casting fearful glances behind her. Her pursuers, lurching zombies with rotting flesh and foul morning-breath, were getting closer. Shiemi sobbed and ran faster.

Suddenly she gave a little shriek and fell (as everything with a vagina does in a horror film) into a tub of mud and glitter (okay wait, _what_?), then staggered back to her feet, tottering forward a few steps.

"It's alright, my enormous breasts broke my fall!" She gasped out, then began running again. She cried and skidded to a halt as she found herself surrounded by her rotten pursuers. The zombies closed in for the kill, groaning with glee.

"Stop right there! _HEE_-hee!" A voice stopped the zombies short, and they (very) slowly turned to see who had dared interrupt their meal. A lone figure moon-walked into view, then spun around and posed, one hand up in the air, the other down low, cupping their balls. It was Rin, dressed in red pants and a red leather jacket. "Let's rock! Bee-_DER_-dah!"

All at once Rin began to dance, and the zombies quickly joined in as Rin sang.

"Cause this is _thrillerrrr_, thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike! You know it's _thrillerrrrr_, thriller night! You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight!"

"Oh, Rin!" Shiemi gushed, cuddling up to Rin after the song and dance number was over. "Thank you for saving me! You are so much more handsome than Yukio with your nice hair and mole-free face!"

She and Rin then proceeded to make love with their mouths.

"Okumura! OKUMURA! Stop HUMPING my leg this instant!" A voice broke through Rin's daydream, who snorted and sat up, blinking his eyes blearily. He awoke to find himself straddling his elderly teacher on the desk, the class watching with varying levels of amusement and disgust.

"…Was it good for you?" Rin asked after a moment.

"_Detention_!" The teacher shrieked, struggling free and straightening his crooked glasses. "And also…" he paused to consider Rin. "Your number."

"_Awww_, not this shit again!" Rin groaned, then stopped. "…I'll give him Yukio's." He quickly gave the man his twin's number and winked. "Make sure to send me plenty of pictures of your dick!"

"Can do!" The teacher happily replied, winking back.

"That asshole!" A grumpy voice muttered from behind Rin. "Flirting with the teacher to get a better grade! He's not even THAT hot! I'd give that make-out session a D, at best!"

Rin turned around to find one of the other students glaring at him murderously. Rin's eyes narrowed as he studied the boy in more detail.

"That guy," he growled, "just _lookit_ him! That streaked hair…those piercings… that rebellious air!" He stared at him for a long moment. "I _kinda_ wanna make out with him." He shook his head and turned away. "Hmph! Before, I'd probably pick a fight, but not this time! I'm a changed man!" He turned one last time to wink and blow a kiss at the glaring boy.

"_WHY YOU SON OF A_-!" The gruff boy's two friends jumped forward to hold him back.

Later, in another class, Rin was once again falling asleep to the ire of the boy from before, who growled and muttered to himself angrily.

"Alright, class," Alex Trebek asked from his podium. "The lowest of the minions of Astaroth! Okumura?"

"Huh? Wha?" Rin sputtered awake, a river of drool running down his chin. "Oh. Uh…who is Paris Hilton?"

"…Correct. I can see you've been studying." Trebek raised a brow, impressed. "Good job, Okumura! That's two hundred points for you."

"Double Jeopardy!" Rin cried in jubilation. "Can I buy a consonant?"

"Okumura, that's the wrong-"

"Oh right. WHO is a consonant-"

"JUST STOP!"

In Grimoire studies, Rin dozed off again, much to the disgruntlement of his classmate. First a bottle flew from the back, bonking him on the head, then a brick, which crumbled with little effect. Finally a desk came flying at him, crushing him with a satisfying crunch.

"You feel me NOW, bitch?"

Later, after a short trip to the hospital and the diagnosis that his brain couldn't get anymore damaged than it already was, Rin sat in yet another class.

"I will be handing back everyone's test today. Shima?" Yukio called.

"Yes?" A boy with pink hair in the back answered.

"Please stop filling in all the questions with drawings of lady parts," Yukio stated. "Although they are _disturbingly_ well-drawn. Also, please stop writing your name as MC Shuga-Nuts."

"Awww, but that's my _pimp_ name!" Shima complained.

"I TOLD you Sir Smacks-a-hoe-lot was a better name," a bald, bespectacled boy next to him whispered.

"Shut up, Konekomaru!" Shima muttered, walking up to the front and taking his test. Rin suddenly noticed Shiemi sitting beside him, beaming with confidence.

"…Sweetie, are you high?" He whispered.

"No, I'm confident about this!" Shiemi whispered back. "I just _know_ I did a good job on this test! Plants are my specialty, after all!"

"Shiemi!" Yukio called. "You got a 41."

"_WHAT_?" Shiemi sputtered, jumping to her feet.

"Please write the correct names of plants from now on," Yukio explained, frowning. "Please tell me, what is ''?

"Uh…you peel it and put it on burns," Shiemi mumbled quietly.

"Ah, you mean aloe. And…what is 'Lady Smith and the Black Mumbazo'?"

"Um…it's a yellow medicine for suppuration…"

"…That would be turmeric. " Yukio looks down. "Also, you signed your name as, 'please take me now, I am ready and willing'. Please sign it properly from now on."

"_Ahahahaha_! What a dumbass!" Rin threw his head back and laughed, drumming his feet on the floor.

"Shut up, Rin! YOU got a 2."

"…Alright!" Rin cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "And I wasn't even trying _that_ hard!"

"…Trying to FLUNK or PASS?" Yukio gave up, shaking his head. "Suguro!" He called. The grumpy boy from before stood and came forward, pausing to snort at Rin and his dismal score.

"_Two_ points?" He laughed scornfully. "What were you doing, writing with your _dick_?"

"No, I was writing with YOURS-" Rin shot back.

"The SHIT? You…it's cuz you're always showing off to that chick!" Suguro snapped, stopping in front of Yukio.

"I do not!" Rin protested, then turned. "Hey, Shiemi! Watch this!" He balled up his test and dunked it into the nearby waste-basket. "There's your two points, asshole!" Shiemi was too busy staring at Yukio and imagining him swinging around on a stripper pole to notice.

"You're pathetic!" Suguro snatched his test from Yukio and held it out for Rin to see. "Read it and weep!"

Rin's eyes goggled, jaw falling open in shock.

"Holy SHIT it's even lower than MINE! I didn't even think that was possible!" He gasped out. "DAMN, you're good!"

"_What_? How the hell?" Suguro whipped the test back and stared at it. "I _knew_ I shoulda studied for that one instead of practicing my sullen glare. _Dammit_! But anyway! You!" He pointed at Rin. "You're a joke! Everyone is here because they _seriously_ want to become Exorcists!"

"Actually," Shima cut in, raising a hand, "I'm just here for the babes. Or the STD's, whichever comes first."

"…Okay, MOST of us are here because we want to become Exorcists," Bon corrected himself. "Unlike YOU, who sleeps during class, sleeps during break, AND sleeps with the teachers!"

Rin was standing there, sleeping on his feet, head lolled back and mouth hanging open. Yukio leaned forward and snapped his fingers several times to jolt him awake.

"_Hroooonk_- whuzzah…? That…that is NOT true! I can't help the fact that I'm so GODLY attractive! I mean, _lookit_ these abs!"

"Oh yeah? Well lookit my knuckles coming for your FACE-"

"Bring it, asshole! I'm not afraid of you!"

"Oh it's already been _brought_!"

"I am SO turned on right now!"

"…What?" Suguro stopped and took a step back.

"…What?" Rin said innocently.

"Enough, enough!" Yukio stepped between the two, breaking them up. "He has a point, Rin. You really should pay more attention in class."

"What? Dammit, Yukio, whose side are you on?" Rin asked angrily.

"Well that's obvious," Yukio scoffed. "You're my brother, of course I'm on-"

_BLING_!

Yukio paused to answer his phone. He stared at the screen for several long seconds before replacing it back in his pocket.

"…_Suguro's_," he finished decisively.

-Later-

Rin, Yukio, and Shiemi sat outside during break, enjoying the warmth and sunshine from the edge of a lovely fountain. Rin kicked his feet, thinking.

"Man, who IS that guy?" He suddenly demanded, fuming at the memory.

"His name is Ryoji Suguro," Yukio explained patiently. "He's a genius, here on the same scholarship as me. He's the heir to a temple in Kyoto, and-"

"You got his number on file?"

"Well, yes, I- wait, why?" Yukio broke off and frowned at his brother, who stared innocently back.

"…I didn't say anything. That was Shiemi who asked."

"No I did-"

"Shut up and let him finish, girl!"

"…He also has good grades," Yukio continued after a pause, "is athletic, and pays attention during lessons-"

"Not to mention that rockin' _ASS_!" Rin cut in. Yukio stared at him for a long moment in silence.

"…For the sake of my sanity," he began, "I am going to pretend that Shiemi just said that as well. And speaking of Shiemi," he turned to the girl, "how are you doing? Getting used to cram school?" Shiemi gazed at him, eyes deep and dreamy.

"Make love to me."

"Yes, the weather is quite nice," Yukio replied blandly. Rin mimed shooting himself in the mouth to make himself feel better. "Well, I have to get going." Yukio hopped up from the fountain's edge and began walking away. "Make sure not to be late for P.E., Rin!"

"Oh please, how hard can that class be?" Rin shot after him. "I mean, all you gotta do is _piss_, right? I got that. Hell, I can do five minutes offa hit of Gatorade, and that shit comes out GREEN-"

"…Do you _actually_ have a brain," Yukio suddenly interrupted, staring insanely at his brother, "or is it just the Black Eyed Peas up there singing, 'I've Got A Feeling'?"

"Hey, that is _not_ true!" Rin protested. "…I _also_ have Yo Gabba Gabba in there."

"…I'm going to leave now," Yukio stated. "Please don't follow me." He slowly walked backwards across the lawn, bumped into a wall, and shuffled into the nearby doorway. Yukio and Shiemi watched him go. Suddenly Rin realized that he was all alone with Shiemi. He wondered if this counted as sex.

"…Oh shit! What the hell do I say to her?" Rin thought to himself in a panic, sweating profusely from his pits and crotch. "Damn my balls are ITCHIN'!" He burst out. Shiemi stared at him with obvious disgust. "Uh…I mean…ya see the tits on that girl over there? _Daaaamn_!" Shiemi continued staring. "…I'm sorry I'll stop."

"Let's talk about something normal," she suggested. "Like Yukio. Boxers or briefs?"

"…Would you believe me if I said _tights_?" Rin answered after a pause.

"…Would you believe me if I said I _think_ I just had my first sexual experience?"

"GodDAMN, you need help, bitch," Rin sighed. "Also, you're welcome."

"Rin, do you have friends?" Shiemi suddenly asked. Rin frowned.

"Uh, well, I have people I hit, and people I don't hit. Does that count?"

"…In your case, I think so." Shiemi paused. "So, wait. Are we friends?" She suddenly flinched away, squeezing her eyes shut and raising her arms defensively. Rin watched her, frowning.

"Remember what I said about being 'friends' last episode?"

"Um…something about a dental plan?"

"…Yes, exactly. Here, I wrote up a contract." Rin pulled out a crumbled piece of paper with illegible chicken-scratches. "Just sign at the bottom, initial here, breast-size here, assume the position, and we can get to being friends _all night long_-"

"_Oi_!" A voice suddenly broke in, cutting off the conversation (thank _God_). "Flirting in broad daylight? How shameless!" Rin whirled to find Suguro and his two friends drawing near. The boy grinned and nodded at Shiemi. "She your chick?"

"Girlfriend, _please_." Rin rolled his eyes. "I could do _soooo_ much better."

"You gay or something?"

"…Would you like it if I said I was?"

"NO!"

"Here, I'm all done." Shiemi handed Rin back his 'friendship' contract. He glanced at the top. It had been signed, 'your mother'. Without turning, he snapped out a fist and punched Shiemi in the face, sending her sprawling.

"…That answer your question?" Rin asked Suguro, raising his eyebrows.

"…No, actually. It just raises a whole bunch of new ones." The other boy blinked in confusion. "Like why isn't anyone arresting you right now?"

"Alright, that's it! What's with you, huh? Why aren't I good enough for you?" Rin suddenly exploded. "You're always going around with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-ESS-Tee-Dee!" He jabbed fingers at Shima at Konekomaru, who recoiled.

"I gotta remember that," Shima muttered, pulling out a pencil and paper. "Tweedle..Ess…Tee…Dee…new…pimp…name…"

"Your little circle-jerk is _disgusting_!" Rin finished, glaring at Suguro. "Seriously, what is up your BUTT?" He paused for a moment. "Besides me, I mean."

"Girlfriend, _please_," Suguro drawled, rolling his eyes. "I could do _soooo_ much better."

"Oh my gosh, they're _exactly_ alike!" Shima and Konekomaru gasped in awe, clutching each other and squealing. And some girl, somewhere, just wrote a fanfiction.

"Hey, Rin?" Shiemi asked, standing up and holding her bloody nose. "Can I have a blank copy of your friendship contract for Yukio?"

"Yeah, sure. Here."

"Thanks." She took the paper and stuffed it into her kimono. "Oh, and also? Fuck you." She kicked Rin in the balls and teetered away.

"…So you guys serious or just dating?" Suguro asked Rin's prone form. "You seem like you're just dating."

-Later That Day-

Rin was now in P.E. class, which, despite all appearances, had _nothing_ to do with urination, unless you counted the fact that Rin was pissing his pants at the moment. The teachers at True Cross Academy obviously had some issues, as their idea of 'exercise' was dumping two students into a circular pit and letting some huge Demon-frogs chase them around for their own sick pleasure. The rest of the class watched as well, Shima and Konekomaru standing together, Izumo (the girl with the funky eyebrows) and her friend Paku sitting by the edge.

"Oh my God Frogger is trying to EAT ME!" Rin shrieked as he ran about the pit, Suguro panting close behind him. The huge Demon-frog croaked and hopped closer behind the two, licking its slimy lips. "I am _never_ playing that game again! This irony is not lost to me!"

"It'll help if you soil yourselves," the rather effeminate teacher called from the sidelines, offering advice. "Then the Leapers will find you too _foul_ to devour, and will only use your bodily orifices as nesting grounds for their young!"

"Do they…make you…breakfast afterward?" Rin panted out as he ran.

"No," the teacher answered blankly. "It buries you in a dark, moist place to rot."

"Oh GOD this thing is a _monster_!" Rin sobbed, putting on an extra burst of speed. He glanced back at Suguro over his shoulder and grinned. "Hey, Suguro! I like my eggs sunny-side up, with some orange juice and a second round of _love-making_-"

"No means NO!" Suguro leapt for him, tackling him around the legs and the pair scuffling about on the dirt floor. The Leaper quickly lost interest in the amount of stupid taking place and wandered off.

"Hey, hey! Break it up!" The teacher stormed down and broke up the pair, who snarled like cats and continued clawing and spitting at one another.

"…I ship-"

"We KNOW you ship it!" Izumo snapped, cutting off the girl's statement.

"Get your hands off my ASS, queer!"

"I'm sorry!" The teacher huffed, pushing Suguro off to the side for a chat. Rin stayed where he was, fur on the back of his neck bristling and hissing quietly to himself.

"The hell is WRONG with that asshole?" He muttered. "Why doesn't he think I'm hot?"

"Because," Konekomaru stated, walking up, "he's not gay."

"…That doesn't answer my question."

"Understand, Suguro?" The teacher was explaining a short distance away. "You're smart, and you have good grades. Not to mention a rockin' ass. So it would be wiser for you to stay out of trouble. Rin was given permission to attend this school from the Principal. He's here under…_special_ circumstances. You see?"

"Oh, I see, alright," Suguro growled, eyes narrowing with disgust. "That bastard's been in _everyone's_ pants, huh? Probably you, too! What a hussy!"

"Hey, don't be hatin'!"

"Bon wants to become an Exorcist so he can defeat Satan," Shima was telling Rin, who gasped aloud.

"Oh my _gosh_! He IS just like me! It would be like making love…_to myself_!" He paused for a moment. "Which I have already done."

"…Okay, too much information." Konekomaru winced and adjusted his glasses. "He's working hard to rebuild our temple that was destroyed during the Blue Night."

"Blue Night? What's the Blue Night?" Rin asked, cocking his head. "Sounds like a bar or a club or something."

"I know a club called the Blue _Nipple_-" Shima began.

"The Blue Night took place 16 years ago," Konekomaru butted in (thank you), "when Satan killed a whole bunch of clergymen in the same night."

"…Oh." Rin fidgeted a little. "Uh, are you _sure_ it was Satan who did that?"

"They all died in blue flames," Shima explained.

"…Oh." Rin blinked. "…So you absolutely SURE-"

"And he also re-arranged their internal organs to spell out, 'Satan was here'."

"…Oh. S-"

"And then he took pictures and posted them on Facebook-"

"Alright I get it my dad's an _asshole_!" Rin exploded. "…MAN I take after him." He paused and looked at the two boys. "So…you guys are…what, exactly? His followers? Friends? Gay-love harem?"

"Like I said," Shima stated, shrugging, "here for the STD's."

"I'm just trying to help him rebuild the temple," Konekomaru answered.

"…So you're _saying_ there's a chance for me and him?"

P.E. exercises began again, this time with Shiemi and Izumo running for their lives, sans the glitter and bikinis (and joy for all you males). It only took several seconds for Shiemi to squeal, trip, and fall on her face.

"Just how many times are you going to trip, girlfriend? What do you think this is, a B-movie Zombie flick?" The teacher hollered down from above. "And what the hell are you wearing, huh? Sandals with socks, in _my_ class? I don't think so! You need to go on Queer Eye for the Hopeless Girl!"

"_Shove it up your ass, twinkle-toes! I like my clothes_!" Shiemi roared, then sat there and blinked for several seconds. "…Wow. Where did that come from?"

"_It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men! Amen_!"

"_Ooooh_! I _love_ this song!" Rin squealed, hopping to his feet and dancing the Just Dance 2 choreography as he sang (.com/watch?v=Z_-9ETciNXk, about the 1:40 mark). "_I'm gonna go OUT, to run and let myself get… absolutely soaking weeeet_!"

"Alright, who the _hell_-" Suguro began.

"Hello?" The teacher said, answering his cell-phone.

"What is why do I even-?"

"Yes, I- what's that?" The teacher's eyes widened, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "R…right now, honey? But I- oh, _really_? Say it again. Slower. _Oooooh_ yeah-"

"HEY!" Suguro hollered at the man. "Quit having phone-sex with your _boyfriend_ and just GO!"

"Shut up!" The teacher snapped back. "It's my _mother_ on the phone!"

"I swear to God if you say you ship it I'm gonna punch you in the face," Izumo stated, glaring Paku.

"Eww! No way. That's just wrong!" Paku made a face and shook her head. "Twincest, on the other hand, is beautiful and natural-"

Izumo punched her.

"Alright, children!" The teacher called down, hanging up his phone. "Practice by yourselves for the rest of the period! I will now leave you all alone with the potentially deadly Demon-frogs."

"Uh…sir?" Konekomaru asked nervously, raising a hand. "Isn't that a little…_dangerous_?"

"Oh, incredibly!" The teacher stated matter-of-factly. "…Bye!" He turned and dashed off, leaving a trail of glitter in his wake.

"He…is the _coolest_ teacher…_EVER_," Rin stressed. "Who wants to play with the Demon-frogs first?" He raised a hand. "_I_ do."

"Can he do this?" Paku asked.

"What a horrible teacher!" Izumo fumed beside her.

"No, seriously. Can he _legally_ do this?"

"_Tch_! I guess the teachers here at True Cross Academy are just as gay and horny as the _students_!" Suguro sneered, casting a glance at Rin.

"Oooh, right back atcha, Bonnie-chan!" Rin snapped, winking.

"Hey! I'm not the one using their skinny ass and _effing_ all the teachers!"

"Alright, FIRST of all," Rin began, "_thank_ you for calling me skinny. And second of all, there is no second of all, I'm just glad you called me skinny." He shrugged and scratched his ass.

"…Are you guys fighting again?" Konekomaru asked slowly, glancing between the pair. "It's…_kinda_ hard to tell with you two."

"Enough of this!" Suguro exploded, storming up to Rin and standing close, eyes burning. "You say you have determination? Then prove it!" He jabbed a finger into Rin's face, who stood there and blinked.

"You…want me to pull your finger?"

"NO!" Suguro sputtered. "Although that _would_ be hilarious. Look, those Leapers!" He pointed down at the huge Demon-frogs dozing in the pit. "Walk up to one of them and touch it. Leapers can read your mind. If your determination wavers for even a moment, it'll attack. If you go down there, touch it, and come back, you win."

"…Can't we just have an old-fashioned _pissing_ contest?" Rin finally asked. "See who can get theirs the _farthest_?"

"No! That's disgusting!" Bon snapped. "Plus I just went before class."

"Okay, okay, I got this. We'll see who can touch Izumo's _butt_ without getting their balls turned into _change purses_-"

Suguro wasn't listening anymore. Instead, he was reminiscing when, years ago, after the Blue Night, their once-popular temple had crumbled into decay, the people shunning them. He remembered wandering the streets as a child, hearing the suspicious whispers, the cruel comments. And then he almost got mugged.

"_AUUUUGHOHMIGOD take my money please don't break my kneecaps_-"

"Bon, it's me. Your father."

"Oh yeah right. Sorry, dad." Suguro blinked and looked up at his father, who wore a pinstripe suit with a hat and smoked a cigar. Okay not really but you get the picture. Suddenly he noticed something strange. "Why is he…_smiling_? Those people were just talking bad about him! So why is he…?"

"We'll set fire to their house later."

"Cool! Can I do the gasoline?" Suguro smiled, then frowned. "Dad, I hate how people treat us. But don't worry! I'll study hard, become an Exorcist, and defeat Satan! Then I'll rebuild the temple, rescue the princess, and save the Mushroom Kingdom-"

"…Maybe I _should_ have you tested for ADD," his father muttered quietly.

"Dammit, dad! I'm being seri- hey look a quarter!"

"_DAMMIT_!" Suguro suddenly cried, snapping everyone back to the present. "No-one here takes me _serious_! Fine! I'll prove my determination to you all! Suck it!" Shima and the others cried out as he turned and skidded down into the pit.

"Oh no! Bon!" Konekomaru shouted after him. "Stop! Get out of there!"

"Okay, we believe you now!" Shima called. "Please come back up here while you still have a face! I…I'll think up a good pimp name for you! How's 'Sugartastic B. Flavah' sound?"

Suguro stood before one of the Leapers. He gulped hard and steadied himself, reaching out a hand. His determination was firm, his fears absent, his heart-

"Hey look a quarter!"

The Leaper was on him in an instant.

"_It was worth it_!"

Suddenly Rin was there, hissing and spitting like a cat once again, scratching and shoving the leaper back, protecting Suguro from harm. He fell back, gasping.

"Wha…what? _Why_? _Why_ did you…?"

"Because…" Rin said, turning to him. "…I LOVE-"

"Please choose another reason. Lie if you have to."

"Alright, fine!" Rin huffed and tossed his head. "Because _I'm_ gonna defeat Satan, not you! I called firsties!"

"_What_? No you didn't!" Suguro cried in outrage, grabbing Rin by the collar. "How dare you steal my goal! Give it back, you asshole!

"Try and make me, punk-ass!"

"Why you son of a- WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KISS ME?"

"_Let me love you_!"

"All clear," Yukio whispered, watching over them like a ninja from his hiding place in the shadows. He lowered his gun and let out a heavy sigh of relief. "The students are safe. Now we can-"

_BLING_!

"Oh Godammit not another one!"

-Elsewhere…-

Elsewhere in the city, namely on a huge metal skeleton of a sky-scraper, Mephisto stood high atop one of the many cross-beams, enjoying the view and a cup of hot tea because he's motherfucking awesome like that.

"Oh, you think _this_ is awesome?" Mephisto asked, cocking an eyebrow. "You should see me eat a biscuit while standing on a rocket. Now _that's_ extravagant!"

"Sorry I'm late," a voice suddenly interrupted. Mephisto turned his head to find a young man with spiky green hair and clothing from Hot Topic standing close by, a small Hobgoblin on a chain at his heels, snarling.

"Ah, Earth King Amaimon, how nice of you to join me." Mephisto paused to take a sip. "What took so long?"

"The fangirls were after me again," Amaimon complained. "For some reason I'm simply irresistible to them. They enjoy drawing me in various degrading and humiliating ways." He became quiet for a moment. "It frightens me a little."

"As it does us all," Mephisto replied calmly. "You know you could just sic your dog on them."

"Nahh, then he'd get indigestion, and that's a mess to clean up," Amaimon sighed, yanking on the chain. The Hobgoblin growled quietly.

"So! How's Gehenna?" Mephisto asked, making small-talk.

"Shitty. How's our little brother?"

"_Marginally_ less shitty." Mephisto took another sip of his tea. "I'm working on it." He noticed Amaimon staring at him in silence. "…Yes, what is it?"

"Oh, nothing, just wondering," Amaimon said in a bored tone. "What pairing do you think is more popular, Rin and Yukio, or me and you?"

"…I think it's time for you to leave now."

"I can't help it! It's being around those _fangirls_ all the time-"

Mephisto flung his scalding tea into his brother's left eye. He shrieked in pain and fell from his perch, flailing his arms and pulling his faithful dog-thing down with him. Mephisto dusted off his gloves and turned away, smiling into the starry night.

"The fun and games start here!" He chuckled to himself, then reached into his cape and pulled out a Gameboy. Yay PUNNNNNNS _oh my God they are SO related_.

-Episode 5 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Well, just saw the last episode. Surprised they didn't keep it going using more from the manga, but ah well. Guess this fic will be 25 chapters long then! And yes, I dance the _shit_ out of Just Dance. Thanks for reading! Review, please!


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Okay next one. …Yup, that's pretty much it. Enjoy! Reviews would be awesome!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 6

The Phantom Cook

"Oh shit, I _OVERSLEPT_!" Rin screeched, rushing down the hallways of the dorm like a girl in a shoujo manga, minus the skirt and tights. That was more Yukio's department. But anyway! Rin burst into the small cafeteria, glaring daggers at Yukio, who sat eating calmly at a table. "Why didn't you wake me up, asshole?"

"I tried," Yukio stated, not bothering to look up from his meal. "_Three_ times. Then I went and got a doctor, who pronounced you legally dead. Seriously, we were gonna have a funeral and everything this afternoon if you didn't wake up."

"D'aww, how _sweet_! Did you write a eulogy and have lovely flower arrangements- NEXT TIME TRY _FOUR_ TIMES!" Rin dumped himself into the seat opposite Yukio and snatched up his breakfast tray. "Did it not occur to you that I might be under a magical spell and needed a kiss from a handsome prince to wake up? Preferably with _tongue_-"

_BLAM__BLAM_!

"…I believe we have already had this gun-conversation," Yukio said shortly, barrel smoking. Rin frowned.

"Well, I dunno, I don't really remember-"

_BLAM_!

"Okay I remember now!" Rin squealed, hiding underneath his chair. Yukio sighed and holstered his gun, Rin creeping out from underneath and warily scenting for predators before taking his seat again. Grabbing his tray, he began shoveling his food down without bothering to chew or aim for the vicinity of his mouth.

"…If you choke, I am _not_ giving you the Heimlich Maneuver," Yukio said over his toast. "I will be more than happy to watch you die."

"Don't you know what wolves do?" Rin replied, oblivious. "They gorge themselves on elk and deer because they don't know when they'll eat next!"

"…We're having lunch in a couple hours, Rin."

"Hey, you never know!" He then turned, buried the rest of the food for later, chucked his empty tray at the kitchen window, and ran off in the other direction. "Thanks for the meal, bitch!"

A lone mug flew through the air and cracked him on the back of his head.

"Ow! _Man_ I got bad aim!"

It's not your aim, stupid. It's…_foreshadowing_!

-Lunchtime!-

It was time for lunch at the True Cross Academy. Boys and girls flooded the halls, mobbing the co-op store and fighting to the death over the food, because apparently this is the Hunger Games or something.

"Why, Peeta, why?" Rin sobbed aloud, diving amongst the throng and fighting his way to the front. He lunged for a lone sandwich at the same time as another student.

Suguro glared darkly at Rin, holding the other end of the sandwich in a tight grip, refusing the let go. Rin did likewise. The two boys stood glaring at each other, stuck in a silent gridlock.

"…Pissing contest?" Rin finally suggested.

"Not this again!" Suguro snarled. "Although I AM fully loaded this time."

"No! This is _my_ sandwich!" Rin growled, eyes narrowing. "And I am _fully_ prepared to mark it as my territory." His hand hovered near his zipper. Suguro's eyes widened in horror.

"Don't you DARE!" He cried, lunging.

"Whoa, down, boy! I knew you wanted me, but not here! Unless you like it when people watch, I'm cool with that too-"

"_Shut__up__and__gimme__the__sandwich,__asshole_!"

On the other side of the mob of battling students, Yukio ran up, deflating in dismay at the sight of the sea of hungry students devouring one another for sustenance.

"Damn! I was too late!" Yukio swore angrily. "My moles are displeased! Their hunger must be sated!" Several nearby students turned to stare at him and slowly inch away. "…You're all just jealous!"

"We _like_ your moles!" A feminine voice giggled from behind him. "There's one for each of us!"

Yukio froze in horror and slowly turned around. Three girls in uniform stood behind him, the first with long light-brown hair, the second with black hair in pigtails, and the last with short brown hair. They all smiled creepily at him. Yukio suddenly remembered Rin telling him that showing ones teeth was a sign of aggression and wisely chose not the smile back.

"Um…hello. Who are you girls?"

"I'm Potential Rapist Number 1!" The girl with long light-brown hair declared.

"I'm Potential Rapist Number 2!" The girl with pigtails added.

"And I'm Potential Rapist/Serial Killer Number 3!" The girl with short brown hair finished.

"…Wait what was that last one-"

"Here you go!" The girls all stepped forward and held out box-lunches.

"Huh? Oh! Uh…how thoughtful. You made me fresh…" Yukio nervously took the boxes and peered inside. "…Panties."

"What? You slut!"

"No! YOU slut!" The girls began fighting over Yukio, grunting loudly and beating their chests to assert their dominance. Yukio, eyes wide with fear, began slowly backing away from the screeching girls.

"Wow!" Shima commented from where he stood next to the still-struggling Rin and Suguro. "Our young Sensei sure is popular! It looks like Jack Hannah's Animal Kingdom over there! Totally unlike his twin brother!"

"Stop trying to kiss me, dammit!" Suguro snarled, twisting away.

"You're just afraid that you might LIKE IT!" Rin shot back, redoubling his efforts.

"Rin!" Suddenly Yukio was there, breathing fast and glancing over his shoulder warily. "I finally managed to get away. Uh…here! Lunch!" He thrust the box-lunches at Rin, who gasped with delight and took them.

"Hey, _thanks_, I- why are there dirty boxers in here?"

"_What_?"

"Umm…thank…you?" Rin frowned in confusion.

"You're welcome. Now let's go!" Yukio grabbed his brother and hauled him away, leaving Suguro victoriously clutching the sandwich.

"Yes, it's mine! It's- _euuuugh_, it's all _soggy_!"

Rin and Yukio found refuge in the school cafeteria, where they stopped to catch their breaths. Dozens of other students milled about the huge hall, eating lunch and chatting away at tables.

"Thanks, Rin," Yukio panted out. "You saved me. From a potential four-way. With three hot girls." He paused for a moment, adjusting his glasses. "Perhaps I was…a bit hasty in fleeing like that."

Rin wasn't listening. He was much too busy ogling the food for sale in the nearby display case, pressing his face against the glass and breathing heavily, smearing it with his drool.

"Hot DAMN that looks good!" He gasped, eyes wide and sparkling. "They've got everything in there! French, Italian, Mexican food!" He paused, frowning. "Jesus Christ, is that a BABY in there?" He paused again. "I _kinda_ wanna eat it." He began frantically searching in his pockets for loose change.

"You have to buy food tickets from this vendor," Yukio explained, pointing at nearby machine.

"Alrighty." Rin spun around on his heel and skipped merrily over. "Let's see what I can g- HOLY _SHIT_ THAT'S EXPENSIVE! These prices are outrageous! Why don't I just bend over and let this school EFF me?"

"Well, this school _is_ for rich kids, after all." Yukio shrugged.

"Let's see, what the cheapest…" Rin's eyes traveled down the list until it hit the bottom. "DOG-food? Are you kidding me?"

"It has all the essential vitamins and minerals for a healthy coat," Yukio said.

"How in the hell am I supposed to get this much money?" Rin sputtered. "How am I supposed to eat? How am I gonna _survive_?" He paused for a moment, then turned to the tables filled with students. "Alright. Who wants a lap-dance? Hands up."

The same boy from previous chapters looked up and slowly raised a hand.

"Alright, I'm not picky!" Rin strutted over, hiking up his shirt. Yukio grabbed him by the collar and hauled him back.

"Enough! Let's go see Mephisto about it!"

A single tear ran down the boy's face.

-In Mephisto's Office-

"Lower the prices?" Mephisto scoffed, raising a prim eyebrow at the two brothers standing before his desk. "I'm afraid that's simply impossible. To provide our first class meals, we only choose the best, ripest ingredients for our dishes, and then we BURN the rest of the crop to the ground!"

"Isn't that a little…_wasteful_?" Yukio asked after a moment.

Oh, incredibly. But we're RICH, so who cares?" Mephisto shook his head. "So no, it's not going to happen."

"…You want a lap-dance?"

"Rin SHUT UP you are NOT helping-"

"I didn't say no."

"ALRIGHT ENOUGH!" Yukio lunged forward and dragged Rin off of Mephisto's desk where he'd begun gyrating. "Have some damn decency!"

"Why does it have to be first class?" Rin asked, fixing his shirt. "Why not second, or third? Heck, I'd take coach!"

"Food is culture," Mephisto explained, steepling his fingers. "Experiencing first class makes your life fuller. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to eat my Happy Meal." He reached under his desk and brought out a red box, placing it before him and rummaging inside. "You know what comes free with one of these?" He asked, mouth full of Chicken Mcnugget.

"…Diarrhea and a strong sense of shame?" Yukio guessed.

"Nope. A toy." Mephisto held up a My Little Pony doll. "Look, I get a comb, too! I can brush her pretty tail!"

"_Oooh_! I want one! _Meeee_!" Rin began dancing about in excitement, tugging at Yukio's arm. "Can I get one, _pleaaaase_? Huh huh _huuuuh_?"

"No! You are in _timeout_, mister!" Yukio snapped at him. "No flirting with the girly man!"

"Look, at least give me some cash!" Rin begged Mephisto. "I need something to buy my food with! Come on, make it rain!" He stood in place, arms up, and dropped to his knees, wiggling his rear as he went down.

Mephisto whipped a handful of quarters at him.

"OW! OW!" Rin flinched in pain. "Christ! I said make it rain, not HAIL!"

"Sorry, I…only have change on me," Mephisto apologized. Rin sighed in defeat.

"Well, could you at least try not to aim for the face?"

"I can't promise anything."

*_CLING__CLATTER__CLATTER!*_

Rin and Yukio (the former jingling noisily) left the office afterward, walking down the hallway slumped and discouraged.

"Father said it often," Yukio suddenly spoke up. "He'd say, 'Man does not live by bread alone'."

"Yeah, he also said 'Jesus hates you if you don't clean your room'." Rin snorted aloud. "Why did we listen to that old fart anyway?" He growled, discouraged. "Dammit! How are we gonna eat?"

"Correction, how are YOU going to eat?" Yukio stated, glancing at his brother. "_I__'__m_ fine. I've got my teacher and Exorcist salary, plus what I make with my escort service-"

"I'm sorry what-"

"_Wait_! I know a perfect way for you to not starve!" Yukio suddenly cried, and idea forming in his head.

"Don't change the subject!" Rin cried. "Unless…you want a lap-dance, too?"

Yukio calmly pressed the barrel of his gun again Rin's forehead.

"…So that's a 'no', then?"

-At the Store-

"Cook for myself?" Rin repeated in awe, following Yukio with a shopping cart. The two were in a large grocery store, shopping for cooking ingredients.

"Exactly. It's genius!" Yukio nodded as he picked up some vegetables. "I'll pay for the ingredients, and you can cook us meals!" He stepped aside and began muttering to himself in a quiet, sinister voice. "And as an added bonus, Rin will be forced to wake up on time, and I can refuse those Potential Rapists without seeming strange. It's the perfect solution! Don't you think so, Rin?" He turned to find Rin standing next to a grocery worker.

"Excuse me, Miss," Rin asked politely. "Where do you keep the babies?"

"…Or not," Yukio stated. "Go, Rin, go!" He grabbed his brother and they rode the cart out of there as fast as possible while the grocery worker phoned the police.

Returning home, Rin was busy cooking up a storm late into the night in the dorm's kitchen. He spun about, expertly chopping vegetables, stirring pots, and producing gleaming plates steaming with-

"WHAT IS THIS DOG-SHIT?" Chef Gordon Ramsay demanded, pointing at one of the dishes, face livid with disgust. "It's a fucking disaster! Clean it up!"

"Yes, Chef! Sorry, Chef!" Rin gulped, working furiously. "Right away, Chef!"

"_Rin_!" Yukio bawled, sticking his head into the kitchen. "Turn that stupid show off! You know I can't stand Hell's Kitchen!"

"Aww, no fair!" Rin complained. "I think he's possessed by dad, don't you?"

"Obviously. Now turn it off!" Rin sighed and turned the TV off. Yukio looked around the kitchen, amazed at the extravagant feast his brother had prepared. "I wish you were this good at studying," he sighed wistfully. Rin stared at him in confusion.

"You…want me to…_eat_ my homework?" He asked after a moment. "Cuz I'll do it. Ten bucks. No, five. Hell, I'll do it for free-"

"I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now," Yukio declared, walking backwards out of the kitchen.

"G'night!" Rin called after him.

Finally, after hours of intense cooking, Rin had finished preparing the meal. He packed two small lunch-boxes with the goodies and beamed at them with pride.

"Alright, they look awesome!" Suddenly his eye twitched, and he began to drool slightly. "Oh shit. No! Must…resist…_GUH_!" He wrenched open the fridge door and flung the two boxes inside just in time. "Phew, close call!" He stood there for several seconds more, then shrugged. "Eh, fuck it." He opened the fridge and grabbed his box, eating it with relish. "_Mmm_. Maybe I should eat Yukio's too-"

*_CLANG*_!

"_Eeeeek_! I didn't mean it, God!" Rin squealed in fear, leaping onto a near table and holding up his flowery apron. His slowly opened an eye to find the kitchen empty, a bowl having fallen on the floor. "…I think I peed a little. Ah well!" He got down from the table and waddled off to bed.

It wasn't God, Rin. It's more…_foreshadowing_!

-The Next Morning-

Yukio stood next to the sink, washing his moles- I mean his FACE, then drying them- IT with a towel. He was almost done when a football flew out of nowhere and landed in his arms.

"Wait how did this-"

"YUKIO!" Rin charged out of nowhere, brutally tackling his brother to the ground and snapping his spine in six different places. "_Touchdown_! I mean…what is your DEAL?"

"What's YOUR deal?" Yukio shot back, searching for his glasses and the ability to move. "Why the hell did you tackle me? And why do you smell like pee?"

"You know that's perfectly normal, don't try to change the subject!" Rin roared, pointing an accusing finger at him. "_You_ ate all the food I made last night!"

"_What_?" Yukio sputtered in outrage. "No I didn't! It wasn't me! I'd never do that! I'd _bloat_!"

"We're the only two living in this dorm! Who else could it have been?" Rin stopped, a look of sheer terror on his face. "No way…is Star Jones living in the closet? No, wait, she wouldn't FIT-"

"Rin, it wasn't Star Jones," Yukio sighed, climbing to his feet. "Plus, she lost weight. So, who could have done it? Wait a moment. If it's just the two of us, then…who's been preparing our meals? Breakfast, and dinner? Who…?"

"Oh, _God_," Rin gulped in horror. "It's…it's…FILLER! _NOOOO_!" He threw up his hands and cowered in fear.

"Shut up, Rin! It's just Mephisto." Yukio pointed into the kitchen, where Mephisto was busy preparing a meal wearing a fluffy pink apron that said 'just shut up and kiss me'.

"The gay clown-man?" Rin gagged. "That's even WORSE! _NOOOOOO_!"

"Knock it off!" Yukio grabbed Rin by the ear and pulled him into the kitchen. "Mephisto, _you_ were the one preparing our meals this whole time?"

"…Did they taste like spit?" The eccentric man asked after a moment.

"Well, no-"

"Then it wasn't me." Mephisto turned away and went back to chopping vegetables. "It was Ukobach."

"Wait what about the spit-"

"He was working here as my familiar," Mephisto went on. "You probably angered him by-"

"Oh, crap! Is it because I pissed in the sink?" Rin suddenly burst out. "Look, it was ONE time after I chugged that Red Bull, I SWEAR I didn't do it on purpose-"

Yukio and Mephisto stared at him blankly.

"Or it…might have been…something else." Rin coughed and shifted nervously. Yukio frowned, pulled out a small pad of paper, and began writing.

"Bleach…rubber gloves…scrubbies." He read aloud. "…Training diapers."

"_HEY_! …Get some M&M's, too!"

"Okay, so Rin pissed this 'Ukobach' off both literally _and_ figuratively," Yukio clarified.

"And that takes talent!" Rin beamed with pride.

"Not for you. Now, pardon my language, but what the SHIT is this?" Yukio pointed at the two steaming bowls of…_something_ sitting before the brothers as they sat at the cafeteria table. It bubbled disturbingly and gave off a smell not unlike that of rotting poop.

"Go ahead, dig in!" Mephisto urged them. "It's a _special_ recipe of mine."

"Does it have a baby in it?" Rin asked, raising a hand. Yukio slapped it down.

"Will you effing SHUT UP about-"

"_Shhh_! Yukio! _Listen_!" Rin shushed his brother and leaned his head close to his bowl. "I think it's trying to _communicate_ with me!" He narrowed his eyes in concentration and leaned closer. Suddenly the soup gurgled and struck, grabbing Rin around the head and pulling him in, drowning the boy as he flailed his arms about violently.

"_OH__JESUS__CHRIST__IT__'__S__ALIVE_!" Yukio shrieked, whipping out his gun and shooting the bowl in pieces, followed by his own. Rin sputtered back to the surface, coughing and wiping his face with a sleeve.

"That thing is an _abomination_!" He declared, pointing at the shattered remains of the soup. "And also _delicious_. Can I have seconds?"

"I'll be your cook until Ukobach changes his mood," Mephisto told them, an evil smirk on his face.

"Oh dear GOD!" Rin gasped aloud. "Do you take requests?"

"But of course." Mephisto whipped out a pad and pencil. "Would you like heartburn, indigestion, anal bleeding, or the house special, sudden death?"

"Hmm…I dunno, that last one sounds pretty good…"

"Enough! This is NOT happening! I _request_ that you leave!" Yukio stood up, hands on his hips. "Rin, this is your fault, YOU fix it. NOW!"

So Rin did. He scrubbed the kitchen clean, from top to bottom, paying special attention to the sink area, giving it a thorough wash of bleach and Febreeze. Finally, he finished, and stepped back to admire his handiwork.

"There, it's all clean now!" He spoke aloud. "I'm sorry for using your kitchen without permission. Please, forgive me."

There was a long, pregnant pause.

"…Aaaaand I'm sorry for peeing in your sink. It won't happen again." Rin finished. "Probably."

A knife whizzed through the air and sliced off a stray split end from Rin's hair.

"HEY! That's it! Come out here and face me like a man!" Rin paused, fists raised. "Demon. Demon-man-thing." He paused again. "You know what I mean!"

From the shadows, a small creature emerged. It was a small imp-like Demon, with purple skin, big ears, small horns, and gloves on its hands. It glared at Rin and huffed. Rin glared back.

"Aww, yeah. Let's _do_ dis." He slowly reached beside him and turned on the TV to…_Hell__'__s__Kitchen_.

-Later That Day…-

Close to evening, Yukio was hurrying home in the rain, entering the dorm and letting out a tired sigh.

"I'm back, sorry I'm so late!" He called out, removing his jacket. "There was just this one client who just would NOT get the hint- I mean…um…I was…having sex…with a GIRL." He quieted for a moment. "That's believable, right?"

*_Ka-BOOOM_!*

An explosion shook the dorm, Yukio staggering to keep his balance and gasping aloud in shock.

"DAMMIT, Rin!" He took off for the kitchen, where the sound of the explosion had come from. "I swear to God, if you're lighting your own farts again, you're going into the oven till you're golden brown and _moist_!"

He barged into the kitchen, meat thermometer at the ready, and stopped dead at the strange scene inside. Rin and Ukobach lay sprawled on the floor, cooking utensils and various foodstuffs thrown everywhere carelessly. Mephisto stood on the sidelines holding pom-poms.

"…I'd like to ask what happened here," Rin began slowly, "but I'm a little afraid to."

"It was a cooking duel," Mephisto explained, lowering his pom-poms. "They used all their skills to the fullest. Their epic battle has given birth to a brand new friendship!" On the floor, Rin and Ukobach clasped hands. Yukio frowned and looked around at the ruined kitchen.

"…Is it the kind of friendship that will clean up this mess?" He turned and looked for the two battlers, but they were already gone. "What the-" So was Mephisto. "Godammit, you guys! I'm not cleaning this shit up!"

-The Next Day-

It was lunchtime once again at True Cross Academy. Yukio sat on a bench outside in a pleasant garden, enjoying the warm sunshine. He happily unpacked his lunch and opened his mouth to take a bite.

"Target confirmed."

"_GUGH_!" Yukio choked and pounded at his chest. The three potential rapists- I mean, _girls_ from before slithered out from beneath his bench and fluttered their eyelashes at him flirtatiously.

"Amazing!" The pig-tailed one gasped, catching sight of Yukio's box lunch. "You made that all by yourself?"

"Uh, no," Yukio coughed out. "My brother did, actually-" He turned to point at Rin, who at the moment was standing amidst a flock of pigeons, arms tucked up like wings and head bobbing vigorously as he pecked at the bread crumbs on the ground. "…I do not know that person. I think that's a hobo who's on drugs."

"So tell us how you made it!" The girls squealed, surrounding Yukio and cutting off all possible escape routes. "You're so _awesome_!"

Rin, who had been listening in on the conversation like a Russian spy, burst into tears, his chances of scoring dropping into the negatives once again.

"I eat away the PAIN!" He sobbed to himself, huddling behind tree and wolfing down his meal. Suguro, accompanied by Shima and Konekomaru, walked by without a pause.

"_Just__…__keep__…__walking_," Suguro ground out. "And remember, no eye contact. Idiots take it as a challenge to their Stupidiority."

"What are you looking at, squirrel?" Rin roared from behind the tree. "You want some of this? Because I will be more than happy to give you some!"

-Later…-

Later that day, Shiemi stopped by the boy's dorm for a visit, hovering around the doorbell, too timid to ring it. She lifted a hand, but hesitated once again.

"You know if you're gonna ding-dong-ditch us, you gotta remember to run afterward," Rin spoke up, suddenly standing behind her with an armload of groceries. "Don't worry, I forget that part too, sometimes."

"What? No!" Shiemi sputtered, blushing madly. "I have Yukio's order here-"

"Oh, well then come on in!" Rin kicked open the front door and strode in, dragging Shiemi by her kimono behind him. "How about some tea and a three-way while you're here?"

"I sure hope no-one sees this and takes it the wrong way!" Shiemi giggled nervously.

"Oh, heaven's no, of course not," Rin reassured her, then called aloud. "Hey Yukio! Your EFF-buddy is here!" The door closed with a resounding slam. The three potential rapists- I mean…oh hell, that's what they _are_- from before peeked out from behind a lamp across the street and scowled unhappily.

"Who is that girl?" Whispered one.

"Just barging in like that!" Said another. "No class!"

"You think she really is his eff-"

*_Ka-pow_!*

The girl staggered back, clutching her blackened eye.

"Say it, and they'll never find your body," Potential rapist/serial killer number 3 snarled. The three girls settled down to wait it out.

Inside, Shiemi was enjoying tea with the twins. I by enjoying, I mean mentally undressing Yukio while completely ignoring Rin who was chatting beside her.

"Ukobach cooks for us," Rin was saying, pointing at the pint-sized chef stirring a pot on the stove. "He also made this tea!"

"Oh, really?" Shiemi took a small sip. Suddenly she gagged violently, dry-heaving and falling into a fit of choking coughs. Ukobach slowly turned his head and stared at her intensely. "…D…Delicious?" She managed, smiling weakly. Ukobach turned away and Shiemi fell out of her seat a moment later.

"Lightweight," Rin snorted, knocking back a hit of the tea and grimacing. "_Ooooh_ that burns so good."

"It's late. Shouldn't you get going?" Yukio asked, glancing at his watch. "Don't worry, you can use this key to make a gateway back to the shop!" He used his special key on a nearby door and opened it, creating a shortcut to Shiemi's mother's store.

"Gee, I dunno," Shiemi mumbled, climbing back to her feet and dusting her kimono off. "You don't think I should just leave from the front so as not to send the wrong message to unwary-"

"Nope!" Rin placed his hand on Shiemi's face and pushed her backwards through the door, slamming it shut afterward. He turned to Yukio. "That was nice. We should do it more often."

"Have Shiemi over for tea?"

"No, shove her through doors."

-Midnight-

It was midnight, and by now the potential rapists hiding outside were going nuts. Well, more nuts than they already were, anyway. Which is a lot. They were still crouched outside behind the lamp-post, muttering darkly to one another.

"What the hell! Why hasn't that bitch come out yet?"

"Oh, please. Her and Yukio are probably having an all-night EFF-off as we speak-"

"Alright. That does it." The third (and most disturbing) of the girls stood up, a determined look on her face. "We've got no choice. We're gonna have to…KILL that girl."

The other two stared at her in blank silence.

"We're gonna need some blankets, a shovel, some air fresheners, and-"

"Can't we just sneak inside and CHECK?" One girl spoke up.

"Oh. Well…_yeah_, but that's not nearly as fun- I mean…horribly unfortunate as-"

"Enough! Let's go, girls!" The three girls posed like Charlie's Whores- er, _Angels_, then scrambled for the door. They entered the dorm and roamed the halls, trying to sniff out Yukio's location.

"Which room is his?" The long-haired girl whispered.

"602," the pig-tailed one whispered back. "His favorite color is pink, he likes his eggs sunny-side up, and his inseam is-" She noticed the other girls' stares. "What? I did my research. Fangirl for life!" She saluted proudly.

The girls found their way into the kitchen and began to search the room.

"Ugh, it smells like lit _farts_ in here," one girl gagged.

"…How do you know what-"

"OHMIGOD! NO!" The long-haired girl gasped in horror upon opening the fridge. There, the girls saw freshly packed lunches, no doubt made by that blond WHORE for Yukio! How dare she! The girls immediately seized the offending lunches and hurled them into the trashcan. The last girl opted to flick open her switchblade and stab the lunch repeatedly, screaming in fury as she did so.

"Okay, you are _seriously_ freaking us out-" The pig-tailed girl began. The short-haired girl turned on her, vegetables and sauce splattered on her chest, eyes wide and breathing hard. "I mean stab away! Whatever makes the voices stop!"

A huge, towering beast suddenly loomed over the girls in the darkness, growling in anger. The girls all looked up and shrieked.

"Rin!" Yukio growled, sitting up in bed. "What have I told you about reading Goosebumps before going to sleep?"

"I was NOT!" Rin protested.

"Then why are you in my bed?"

"…Because I wanted some hot loving?"

The two boys (one limping slightly) rushed downstairs to the kitchen, where they found a grotesquely huge Ukobach stirring an enormous pot on the stove. Rin gasped at the sight of his now monstrous friend.

"Holy SHIT have you been working out?" He sputtered. "What's your secret? P90X? Insanity? I prefer Stupidity-"

Ukobach turned and roared in his face.

"…Say it don't spray it, man."

"Rin, LOOK!" Yukio cried in horror, pointing at the pot. Inside, the three girls were slowly being cooked alive amid various vegetables and herbs.

"Oh my GOD, that's HORRIBLE!" Rin raged. "He's using PARSLEY, for God's sake! That'll ruin the flavor! It should be ROSEMARY, you know that, Ukobach!"

"…_Rin.__"_

"Oh yeah right." Rin cleared his throat. "Cannibalism BAD." Suddenly a memory came to him, of his first attempts at cooking in the small church where he and Yukio had grown up. A plate sat on the dinner table, several of the church workers standing around, considering it with confused expressions.

"…Alright, who took a _shit_ on a plate and left it on the table?" One of the men finally asked.

"It's an OMELET, asshole!" A younger Rin snarled, whipping a spatula at the man's head. Suddenly Fujimoto was there, scooping up the plate and gobbling the concoction down. He stood there for a moment, smacking his lips.

"Not bad for your first try, Rin!"

*_FRRRRRRT!_*

"…I believe I just shit my pants." Fujimoto stated matter-of-factly, then snapped his fingers and pointed. "Rin. Clean pants. NOW."

"Aye aye!" Rin saluted and ran off.

"Ukobach…you're forgetting the most important rule of all," Rin growled, back in the present. He glared at his friend's massive back and stepped forward. There was only one way to stop this monster. And only HE could do it. He took a deep breath, and let loose.

"WHAT IS THAT SLOP? YOU CALL THAT FOOD?" Rin roared, imitating a British accent. "It looks like pig vomit, that's what it does! Who would call that delicious? Get the fuck out of my kitchen! Gimme your apron! You're done here!"

Ukobach slumped, defeated. Switching off the burner, he stepped away from the stove, Rin and Yukio sighing with relief. Suddenly voices drifted up from the pot.

"Why…why won't you eat it?" One of the girls sniffled aloud.

"Even though…we made it for you," murmured another.

"Aww, how _sweet_!" Rin simpered, turning to Yukio. "You see? They just want you to-"

"I wanna EAT you, Yukio," the last girl muttered. "With some salt and pepper, and maybe a little garlic." She licked her lips noisily.

"…_Okaaay_, that was a _little_ creepy," Rin continued. "But anyway! This is all your fault!" He snatched up the three box-lunches the girls had brought with them. "Here, eat up!"

"Dammit." Yukio sighed and took the boxes. "This is going straight to my thighs."

"Suck it up, you friggin' diva."

-The Next Day…-

"Amazing!" Mephisto said, grinning. "So he ate all that food by himself? And now Ukobach is back to normal as well. That's just great!"

"Yup!" Rin replied, smiling back. "It all worked out in the end!" He paused. "So, uh…can I put my clothes back on now?" He was standing shirtless on Mephisto's desk.

"Well, I don't know if you've earned your money's worth." Mephisto raised an eyebrow. Rin sighed and began undoing his belt. Mephisto whipped another handful of quarters at him.

"OW _SHIT_ MY EYE!"

-Episode 6 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Yeah. Those girls really creep me out. They're just a little too… _intense_. Especially that last girl. But that's kinda my fault, huh? Review, please!


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Alright, another one! Very busy week last week (lots of traveling) but I managed to get some work done earlier so was still able to put this shiz together. Enjoy! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist!

Fool Exorcist

Episode 7

Flock of Plovers

Shiemi sat at the front of the apothecary store, pulling on her sandals and getting ready for school. School…she paused and sighed at the thought.

"Shiemi, have you made any friends yet?" Her mother asked, entering the room and walking over.

"Oh…uh, yeah!" Shiemi stuttered, rising to her feet. "Of course! I've made plenty! Why…just the other day, a girl told me to get the fuck out of her way! It was _great_!" She beamed at her mother, who frowned.

"Uh, Shiemi, I don't think-"

"Gotta go, mom! The test results for the thing are in today!" Shiemi bustled past her mother and out the door. She quickly left the small store behind and crossed the huge, arched bridge that spanned the busy city's skyline. Shiemi sighed again, remembering Rin being a jackass and hitting her as well as hitting ON her, Yukio in a thong-

Okay maybe _that_ didn't happen, but you can't blame the poor girl! Shiemi continued across the bridge until she reached the doorway at the other end and paused.

"I'll do it!" She declared aloud. "I'll make friends today for sure!" She breathed deep, took a determined step forward, tripped on her sandal, and her face then promptly became friends with the wall.

…It's a start!

Shiemi rubbed her aching nose and entered the cram school's hallway via the super special key thing. Glancing down the long hall, she spotted Izumo and Paku in front of her and hurried to meet the two girls.

"Izumo! Paku! Wait!" She called.

"You think if we don't believe she exists, she'll die, like fairies?" Izumo asked Paku. "Seriously, that Tinkerbell bitch deserved it."

"_Wauuugh_!" Shiemi, who had been dashing toward the girls, tripped once again and ended up colliding with Izumo, the two falling to the ground, Izumo trapped beneath her like an earthquake victim.

"…What the hell is this, a freakin' ecchi manga? _Get__the__hell__offa__me_!" Izumo struggled to push Shiemi off, who squalled and flailed her arms about.

"No! Wait!" Paku gasped aloud, eyes wide. "Alright, hold still, you two! Fanfiction coming on!"

"NO!" Izumo roared, shoving Shiemi violently off of her. "That's going too damn far!"

"WHOA!" The girls turned to see Rin standing before them, eyes wide, mouth gaping. "…I don't know what this is, but I like it. Please continue. When does the next volume come out?"

"It comes out IN YOUR DREAMS!"

"…So maybe next month?"

-In Class-

The students all sat in class now, Yukio at the front performing his scholarly duties, Rin at his desk chewing on a piece of gum he'd found on the floor. Yukio cleared his throat to get everyone's (sans Rin) attention.

"Well, class, we only have six weeks before summer break," he began.

"_Whoooo_! Summer break!" Rin interrupted, crowing aloud with his arms in the air. "Guess who's getting _laaa~aaaid_!" He pointed at himself. "NOT me."

"…Rin, I would give you detention, but I just feel sorry for you," Yukio stated. "Sit down." Rin sat down. "Anyway, soon you will all have your Exwire authorization tests-"

Rin raised his hand.

"Yes, Rin?"

"Bless you."

"…Detention."

Rin raised his hand again.

"…Yes, Rin?"

"Okay wait I changed my mind. FUCK you."

"No, Rin!" Shiemi whispered from beside him. "Ex-_wire_! It's the name for Exorcist Candidates!"

"Oh. Oh!" Rin blinked. "Well just to be safe." He pulled out a bottle of Nyquil and whipped it at Yukio's head, who ducked just in time, the bottle shattering to bits on the blackboard behind him.

"Godammit Rin detention!"

"You just gave me detention!"

"Yes, but this one will be spent in Mephisto's office."

"…You're a _monster_!" Rin gasped.

"This exam won't be easy," Yukio continued, fixing his tie. "You will all be going to a week-long training camp next week." He walked among the students, handing out papers. "Please write down what field you want to advance in as your Meister." He handed the last one to Rin and returned to the front.

Rin stared at the paper, frowning. He sniffed it, then nibbled at a corner, gagging and spitting it back out in disgust. He glared at it, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"_This__…__isn__'__t__…__FOOD_." He whirled around and marched to the back, where Suguro, Konekomaru, and Shima all sat together. "Hey, fuckers. What's a Meister?"

"_What_?" Suguro sputtered. "Are you _serious_? You want to be an Exorcist and you don't even know what oh wait moron okay siddown."

"Yay for stupidity!" Rin cheered, taking a seat with the boys.

"That's nice of you, Bon!" Shima laughed.

"Yeah, come on, explain it to me, Bon!" Rin joined in.

"Don't call me Bon!" Suguro snapped.

"No? How about Bonnie, then? Bon-Bon? Bonanorama?" Rin paused for a long moment. "Beefcake?"

"_NO_!"

"Meister is a necessary qualification for Exorcists," Konekomaru explained patiently, adjusting his glasses. "It's a title given to those who are skilled enough." He paused. "Or have enough cash."

"Oh, okay!" Rin smiled in understanding. "I get it now. It's like what I wanna be, right? I got this shit." He leaned forward and began scribbling on the paper.

"Rin, do NOT write Tyra Banks," Yukio called from the front.

"Hey! I can dream, can't I?" Rin shot over his shoulder, then began erasing what he'd written with angry mutters.

"Also do NOT write man-whore."

"Dammit, Yukio!"

"Shima, do NOT write pimp."

"Oh, come ON!" Shima threw his pencil down in disgust.

"The five classes to choose from are Knight, Dragoon, Tamer, Aria, and Doctor," Konekomaru explained some more. "Each one is different, but if you managed to get even one title, you're an Exorcist." He smiled. "Shima and I are aiming for Aria. You fight Demons by reading aloud verses from the bible and other holy scriptures."

"Wow, that sounds awesomely effective!" Rin gushed. "Hell, I'd go _comatose_ if I had to listen to-"

"HEY! That's not-"

Rin was already asleep, leaning back in his chair, head lolled backwards and snoring loudly. A well-placed kick from Suguro quickly woke him again.

"Bon here is taking both Aria AND Dragoon," Shima put in.

"As well as dead SEX-AY!" Rin added, winking and nudging Suguro's foot under the table. The larger boy stared at him for a moment, then violently flipped the table on top of him, then jumped on it for good measure.

"I'll aim for Knight!" Rin choked out after being rescued by the others and refused CPR from Suguro.

"Oh, because you always have a sword?" Konekomaru observed.

"Yup! It's the sword that I got when I awoke my latent Demonic powers- I mean…uh…" Rin stuttered. "I…got it at a garage sale! Six-fifty marked down from ten." He stared at the other boys. "It was either this or the garden gnome."

Shiemi was watching Rin with a mixture of admiration and jealousy. She took a deep breath and stood, determined to do the same.

"Hey, Izumo, what's-"

"Fuck off, whore."

Shiemi sat back down.

-The Next Class-

In the next class, the teacher was Professor Nehaus, an older man with an eye-patch and grungy hair. He gathered the students around him and began drawing a complicated circular symbol on the floor with chalk.

"Okay, students," he explained when he was done, stepping back. "This is-"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know what it is! Let me!" Rin shoved his way to the front and knelt before the circle. Clapping his hands together dramatically, he placed them on the circle…with no effect. "I think maybe I'm not doing equivalent exchange."

"Rin, this is _not_ Fullmetal Alchemist-"

"Oh wait of course it didn't work, I haven't see the Truth yet!" Rin stood up and looked at his classmates. "Okay, who wants to die and have me attempt to resurrect them? Let's see those hands." Suguro flipped him off. "Bon it is!"

"ENOUGH!" Nehaus barked, shoving Rin back amongst the students and taking over the lesson once again. "I will now summon a Demon. If the magical circle is broken, it loses its effect. You also need blood and the appropriate chant to summon-"

"Oh, of COURSE!" Rin barged forward again, biting his thumb and pressing it to the chalk circle. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Again, nothing happened. "Where the hell _are_ you, Gamabunta? Stupid fox-demon seal!"

"RIN THIS IS NOT NARUTO!" Nehaus grabbed him, tied him on a nearby stool, and placed a 'dunce' cap on his head for good measure. Sighing heavily, he returned to the circle, where he let blood from his bandaged hand fall and chanted aloud. Darkness bubbled up from the symbol, solidifying into a sort of zombie-dog that growled darkly. "Students, this is a-"

"Oooh! _Doggy_!" Rin was cuddling with the abomination and petting its fetid head. "Who's a good boy?"

"How did you get off the stool?"

"This brings back memories," Rin sighed, then burst into tears. "_Why__daddy__whyyyy_?" He sobbed, holding the dog in a tight embrace as it fought to eat his organs.

After dismissing the zombie-dog ("Old Yeller nooo!"), Nehaus handed out small pieces of paper with the same summoning symbols on it to the students.

"Now we will test to see if any of you have the talent to become Tamers," he explained. "Simply put a drop of your blood on the Demon Circle and say whatever words come to mind."

The class obeyed, pricking their fingers with needles and concentrating. Rin did likewise, stabbing his finger and saying the first words that came to mind.

"…OW." Rin said aloud, then paused. "Boobs." He paused again. "Well I got nothing!"

"Obey me, Gods of the Harvest!" Izumo chanted, holding two Demon Circles in her hand. Instantly two fox-Demons burst forth, heeling at Izumo's side and awaiting her command.

"My, my! Two fox-Demons at once!" Nehaus applauded, impressed. "Good job, Izumo! You obviously have some skill with the bitches."

"Hey!"

"I…I'll try too!" Shiemi suddenly spoke up, holding her paper tightly. She concentrated hard. "Come out, come out!" She called, giggled, then paused. "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!"

Instantly a tiny green sprite appeared, made of leaves and moss. It squeaked in pleasure at seeing Shiemi and began clambering about in her hair.

"Omigod you summoned WEED!" Rin gasped. "Can I smoke him?"

"No! He's my friend! Leave him alone!" Shiemi fended him off.

"Hmmm, a Green Man spirit," Nehaus mused. "Well done, Shiemi." Shiemi blushed with pride and seized her chance to talk to Izumo.

"Isn't this great?" She said. "Look, I summoned something too! Isn't he cute?"

"Congratulations," Izumo drawled, rolling her eyes. "I've had bigger-sized _bowel__movements_. Cuter ones, too."

"Wow! Thanks, Izumo!"

"Yes, _lots_ of skill with the bitches," Nehaus muttered. "Keep in mind, class. Demons will never obey anyone weaker than them." Behind him, Rin was ignoring the others. "They will attack you if you show weakness." Rin suddenly lunged at Konekomaru. "Also if-"

"_WOOF__WOOF__WOOF_!" The two fox-Demons attacked, leaping onto Nehaus and biting his arm.

"…you don't have dog treats." Suddenly he noticed Rin gnawing on the other arm.

"What? Oh. Sorry."

"You're so cute!" Shiemi giggled, watching the little Green Man spirit totter around on her hand. "What should I call you? Hmm…how about…"

"Ni!" Said the spirit, waving up at her.

"I got it! I'll call you Lord Swayns-borough of Font Castle-"

"Just call me Ni-Chan, bitch!"

"Wait, what?"

"Ni!"

Shiemi looked up to see Izumo and Paku leaving the classroom. Grabbing her things, she hurried after the girls, calling for them timidly.

"Hey! Izumo! Wait! Excuse me! Hey! Wait!" Izumo continued down the hallway, ignoring her. "I'M TALKING TO YOU, BITCH, TURN AROUND!"

"_What_?" Izumo whirled about, glaring at Shiemi, who stood there blinking.

"Sorry. Not sure where that came from."

"Ugh! What do you want?" Izumo demanded. "Why are you getting all high and mighty about summoning that familiar?" Shiemi stared back at her blankly.

"Why are you?"

"Oh, SNAP." Paku muttered. Izumo shoved her into the wall.

"Just tell me what you want and get lost!"

"I…I wanna be your friend!" Shiemi begged. "Please!"

"Hmmm…" Izumo looked Shiemi over, considering. Then she smiled (I thought she lacked the necessary muscles). "Alright, we're friends!"

"Wow, really?" Shiemi squealed with excitement, clapping her hands.

"Yup. Now gimme all your money." Izumo held out her hand, waiting.

"…What for?"

"The friend fee, DUH. Every friend has to pay the friend fee. Now cough it up."

"…Alright." Shiemi sighed and handed over the money. "So, when do we make out?"

"Wait, WHAT?"

"That's what Rin told me girls do when they're friends."

"…Actually they don't. Instead, they kick boys in the balls. Got it?"

"Okay!" Shiemi nodded.

"Shit!" Rin had been watching the exchange and beat a hasty retreat, cupping his precious balls in his hands. "Abort! Abort!" He suddenly ran right into Suguro, who drop-kicked him instantly.

"It's alright to say NO!"

-Over the Next Few Days…-

"Hey, Shiemi! Can you pass these out?"

"Sure!" Shiemi took the sheaf of papers from Izumo and passed them out.

"Hey, Shiemi! Go get me some Melon Bread and Fruit Milk."

"Sure!" Shiemi headed off for the cafeteria to buy Izumo's lunch.

"Hey, Shiemi! Go kill the President of the United States."

"Sure!" Shiemi began loading a gun and screwing on a silencer. "Wait, what?"

"_Izumo_!" Paku cried in outrage.

"I just wanted to see if she _would_, Paku!"

-Later-

"Dammit!" Rin muttered to himself, seated on the front steps of the dorm. "That bitch Izumo is totally making Shiemi _her_ bitch! Where the hell is the girl-on-girl action I was promised?"

"…Rin, do you remember when I told you about using your _inside_ voice?" Yukio asked quietly, standing beside Rin. He snorted.

"I was, but then it started telling me to kill everyone I love and set myself on fire, so I stopped." Rin looked up at his twin. "By the way, why is the training camp in our dorm?"

"Because," Yukio explained, "then it's no problem if we get a little loud since we're the only two living there."

The group of students standing in front of them suddenly went deathly silent.

"…You just made that sound REALLY dirty." Rin stated.

"I just realized that." Yukio paused. "I'm gonna go shower."

"OKAY THAT IS _NOT_ HELPING-"

"I KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE!" Yukio wailed and dashed inside.

"EW. I am NOT going in there," Izumo stated, pulling a face. Paku had already pulled out her notebook and begun writing down notes for her newest Fanfiction.

"Brainstorming here! Help me out, Izumo-"

"Like HELL!" Izumo rolled her eyes. "BAG." Suddenly she swung her purse backwards over her shoulder and into Shiemi's face. Shiemi took the bag in her arms, then staunched her bloody nose.

"Shiemi!" Paku leaned over and whispered. "If you don't want to do all these things for Izumo, you have to tell her!"

"Oh, but I don't mind at all!" Shiemi protested, smiling. "I'm helping a friend!"

"This gum is old," Izumo stated with disgust. "I don't want it anymore. Here." Removing the offending gum from her mouth, she turned and shoved it into Shiemi's hair. Shiemi stood there blinking for a moment.

"Okay I kinda minded that."

-Several Hours Later…-

"Alright, pencils down!" Yukio cried, the students obeying. They were all gathered in one of the dorms empty rooms, gathered around a long, low table and had just finished taking a lengthy test.

"Alright, half-time!" Rin cheered, getting to his feet and stretching. "Don't worry guys, we'll make a comeback in the second half!"

"…Rin, this is a test, not some kind of game."

"Then why did I bring a football?"

"What foot- _AUUUGH_!"

*_THUD_!*

"Phew, _finally_!" Izumo sighed, standing up. "Let's go take a bath, Paku!"

"M-me too!" Shiemi jumped to her feet and followed the two girls out. Shima smirked and watched them leave with his patented creepy leer.

"Stalker senses…_tingling_!" He gave a dirty chuckle.

"I think that's just your balls," Suguro grunted.

"Aww, come on!" Shima nudged him. "Let's go steal a peek!"

"Shima! You're a friggin' _monk_!"

"Have you ever seen Inuyasha?" Shima raised an eyebrow.

"Thankfully, NO." Suguro sighed and gave up.

"Please try not to forget that there is a TEACHER present," Yukio stated from the front. Shima turned to him and blinked.

"So…what? You'll grade us on our performance?" He slithered up beside Yukio and grinned. "Come on! You're young! You know you want to peek, too!" He gave Yukio's shoulder a soft pat. Without turning, Yukio swung a fist back and smashed Shima in the face.

"Don't touch me. I get enough male interaction with Rin."

Again the room was filled with an awkward silence.

"Godammit not again! I just can't _stop_!"

Meanwhile, the girls had reached the bathrooms and halted for a moment. Shiemi squealed and couldn't hide her excitement.

"This is the first time I get to take a bath with my friends!" She giggled happily.

"Uh, yeah, about that," Izumo interrupted. "Can you…_not_?"

"…What? Buh…why not?" Shiemi stuttered, voice quavering. "I was gonna wash your hair for you and shave your legs and-"

"I don't want you to see me naked," Izumo stated bluntly. "Look, just go get me some Fruit Milk, okay?" She turned to the bathroom door and rushed in, pulling off her shirt. "Time to compare bust-sizes, Paku!"

"Oh, you are SO going down!" Paku challenged from inside.

Shiemi stood outside the bathroom, listening to the girls' laughter inside. Slowly she turned and began shuffling down the hall, dejected.

"Hey, Shiemi." Rin popped up. "Why ain't you in the bath lezzing out with your new friends? Remember, that's what girl friends do? Plus they tape it so-"

"You're a liar, Rin!" Shiemi suddenly burst out. "That is NOT what girl friends do! They stay up late and talk about boys and break each other's hearts! You're a _liar_!" She turned and ran off down the hall, sobbing. "Oh wait I forgot." She quickly trotted back and kicked Rin in the balls.

"Dammit, you beat me again!" Paku complained, standing beside Izumo in the changing room of the bath.

"Of course!" Izumo said smugly, folding her clothes and placing them into one of the many lockers nearby.

"Say, Izumo," Paku began. "Aren't you being a little TOO mean to that girl?"

"Come on!" Izumo scoffed. "It's not like I consider her to be my friend! Or a person for that matter. Not like you, Paku!" She turned to her friend, taking her hands and smiling. "You're my best friend! You talked to me when no-one else would in grade school! You've always been by my side! I can _always_ count on you!"

"Izumo, I'm quitting cram school."

Izumo stared at her friend blankly.

"…I can _always_ count on you!"

"Izumo, seriously."

"…I can-"

"IZUMO!"

"What do you WANT from me?" Izumo exploded, releasing Paku's hands and stepping back. "A Fanfiction? Fine! Go right ahead! Look, I'm in my bra and panties, that's lesbian GOLD right there!"

"No, Izumo…" Paku tried to explain. "That's not it. I just can't keep up with these classes anymore. Plus, you've been even more of a bitch than usual lately."

"I have NOT, you ten-cent skank WHORE!" Izumo roared, then blinked. "Okay I can kinda see where you got that from. But…but I can change! Like Scrooge! Just gimme a chance-"

Suddenly something dripped from the ceiling onto Paku's cheek. Something wet. Something red. Blood? The girls looked up to find…

A hideous abomination hanging from the ceiling, watching them with wide eyes, breathing heavily-

"We're _talking_, Shima! Get out!" Izumo tossed her shoe at him. The pink-haired boy hissed at her, wiped his nosebleed, and scuttled off into the shadows. The girls rolled their eyes and went back to their serious conversation.

"Please don't quit cram school!" Izumo begged. "I'll help you! I'll give you all the answers, assume your identity, take the tests for you-"

"Okay, that's a _little_ much, Izumo." Paku shook her head. "You know that-"

More blood dripped from the ceiling, splattering on Paku's cheek once again. The girls looked up to find…

A Demon hanging from the ceiling this time, rotted skin sewn together with heavy stitches, twin heads swiveling and staring at each girl, the lower half a mockery of a donkey, and a long tail twisting behind it.

"Evening, ladies…" it wheezed, empty eye socket winking suggestively. "Mind if I join you?"

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE_!" The girls screamed together.

In the hallway outside, Shiemi looked up from stomping on Rin's crotch at the sound.

"That came from the bath!" She gasped.

"They're in trouble! Quick, go get Yukio!" Rin scrambled to his feet and started for the bath. "Boobies, here I come!"

"No, wait! They're MY friends, I'll save them!" Shiemi ran after him.

"_Eeeek_!" Paku fell to the ground, wounds steaming from the acidic blood. "Still prefer this…to Shima!" She gasped out, writhing in pain.

"No! Paku!" Izumo cried out, cowering against the lockers. "You know you _could_ take this as God saying not to quit Cram School!" Reaching into the open locker, she quickly pulled out her two small Demon Circles and summoned the Fox-Demons from before. They swirled into existence and growled at the Demon.

"Alright! Sic 'im!" Izumo ordered, pointing at the Demon. Suddenly the Fox-Spirits turned to her, sniffing.

"What's this, human?" They growled, turning on her. "You don't have dog treats!"

"We shall not heed you!" The foxes leapt at her, mouths open, teeth gleaming-

"_TSST_!" Suddenly Rin was there, knocking them aside and snapping the foxes out of their aggressive modes by speaking to them with calm assertive energy. "Caesar would have some words for you, girl! Don't you know about exercise, discipline, affection?"

"I don't have the National Geographic channel!" Izumo wailed.

"Well get it!" Rin shot back. "Now quick! Rip the papers!" Izumo quickly obeyed, tearing up the circles and banishing the foxes. "Now hurry! Take off your bra!" Izumo started to, then paused, realizing what she was doing, and punched Rin in the dick. "So close!" He gurgled, on his knees.

"Rin?" Shiemi ran inside, glancing around in a panic. "What's going on in- oh I SO would have won the breast competition!" She squealed, catching sight of Izumo in her bra and panties. The girl scowled.

"Shut up and help Paku! She's hurt!"

"Alright!" Shiemi nodded, rolling up the sleeves of her kimono and starting forward. "Rin! You hold back the Demon while I treat her!"

"Wait what-" Rin was instantly tackled by the large Demon, the two tumbling back into the bath area of the bathroom. They burst through the doors and struggled around amongst the bottles and brushes.

"She's hurt bad!" Shiemi crouched next to the unconscious girl and thought hard. "These burns…I know! I need some !"

"…WHAT?" Izumo asked, at a loss.

"Ni!" The little Green Man spirit popped out of Shiemi's hair and waved a tiny arm. It strained, grunting, and produced a large shoot of aloe from its rectum.

"WOW!" Shiemi gasped in awe. "That's amazing! You made some! Thanks, Ni-chan! Now I can- _ewwww__it__smells_."

Rin, meanwhile, was battling the Demon in the baths, trading blows and splashing water at each other.

"_Gaaah_!" Rin suddenly cried, reeling back, clutching his face. "You just got soap in my eye! ON PURPOSE!"

The Demon chuckled darkly and leapt at him, holding the poor boy down and grinning with malicious intent. It slowly reached over and proceeded to…wash his hair…_without__conditioner_.

"_Nooooo_!" Rin shrieked in horror, unable to break free. "My beautiful, silken locks! They'll dry out! I'll get split ends!"

"Get off of him, you bastard!" Yukio roared, appearing in the ruined doorway. Several gunshots quickly convinced the Demon to move. It leapt away from Rin, crashing through a small window and escaping. Yukio cursed under his breath, holstered his gun, and ran to his brother's side, who huddled in a corner, sobbing.

"Rin, are you okay?" Rin didn't respond. "What's wrong? What…OH DEAR GOD."

The Demon had died his hair blonde.

"…Well I can't say it doesn't suit you," Yukio stated, then hugged his brother, drawing him close. "Shhh. Shhh. Hold on, Rin. Just…just HOLD ON. We're gonna get through this…_together_."

"G…_GAAAAY_…" Rin managed to whimper out.

Now that everything had calmed down, everyone gathered around Shiemi and Paku, the injured girl still unconscious and unmoving, several large chunks of Super- I mean…ALOE on her face and arm.

"How is she?" Yukio asked in a worried tone. Shiemi shook her head.

"I managed to treat the wounds, we'll just have to see…"

Suddenly Paku's eyes fluttered open. She squinted at the light, looked around for a moment, then saw Shiemi.

"Oh…Shiemi," she said weakly, smiling. "You saved- why do I smell like shit?"

As everyone laughed in relief (and went to open some windows), Rin wandered away from the group, stopping at the end of the row of lockers. Izumo huddled there, tears streaming down her face.

"Don't look at me!" She choked out, hugging her knees to her chest. "Get away! I don't want anyone to see me like this! My friend…my best friend _hates_ me!" She broke into heavy sobs, pressing her face into her knees and shaking.

Rin quietly looked down at the girl, then removed his shirt and gently tossed it atop her head.

"…There we go. That's better."

"YOU FRIGGIN' _ASSHOLE_!" Izumo whipped the shirt back at him.

-Episode 7 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Had fun with this one. Izumo is fun to mess with. As is just about everyone else. See you next time! Reviews are appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Neeeext. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 8

Now a Certain Man Was Sick

Izumo was frozen in fear, a cold chill slowly creeping up her spine. The two-headed Ghoul loomed over Paku, who sprawled on the floor of the bathroom, unconscious and badly injured, her wounds sizzling.

"My friend!" Izumo gasped out, eyes locked on the hideous Demon (which winked at her suggestively). "Ew. I mean…I _have_ to save her!" She paused for a moment. "_Riiiiight_ after she signs this legally binding contract stating she will continue attending cram school with me and will cease and desist the writing of any and all perverted fanfics." Izumo pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and began inching toward her prone friend. "Paku! Here! Sign this!" Grabbing one of her friend's arms, she placed a pen in her un-responding hand and attempted to make her sign. "Good God, they're like limp _noodles_!" Finally the paper was signed, Izumo leaning in close to inspect the signature.

It read 'Twincestluver4ever'.

"Dammit, Paku! I need your real name, not your _pen_ name! I swear, it's like you're not even _trying_!"

With a puff of smoke, the two fox spirits, the Gods of the Harvest, appeared. They turned on Izumo and growled angrily.

"Dammit, girl! Stop summoning us!" One fox barked. "Do you have any idea how _unbalanced_ we are because of you?"

"You are a _horrible_ pack leader!" The other one added.

"What? No! I…I order you to-" The fox spirits disappeared, refusing to listen to Izumo's commands. The girl backed away in a daze, shaking her head. "No! No, this can't be! It can't-"

_BUMP_.

Izumo froze for an instant, then whirled about and shrieked-

Justin Timberlake stood behind her.

In _delight_.

The singer whipped out a microphone, a spotlight switching on from above, and began to belt it out.

"_Don__'__t__be__so__quick__to__…__walk__away!__I__wanna__rock__your__body__…__please__stay!__You__don__'__t__have__to__admit__you__…__wanna__play!__Just__let__me__rock__you__…__till__the__break__of__day!__"_

Izumo suddenly snapped awake, sitting up in her bed at the dorm and gasping aloud. Glancing about and realizing it was all a dream, she cursed quietly.

"Damn! Just when it was gettin' good!"

-The Next Morning…-

Izumo plodded down the stairs of the dorm to the nearby sink, a towel in her arms. She caught sight of Rin already there, head under the faucet as he busily re-dyed his hair back to its original black/blue shade.

"Morning," Rin whistled happily. Izumo scowled.

"Don't tell anyone I was crying yesterday or I'll cut your balls off and mail them to Mongolia." She paused. "They eat balls there."

Rin stared back at her in horror, eyes wide, toothbrush hanging from his gaping mouth.

"…I have one question for you," he said after a long moment. "Do you know what Facebook is?"

"No, it sounds stupid. What-"

"_Then__we__'__re__good_." Rin made a mental note to hurry the eff up and change his status as soon as possible.

"Here." Izumo whipped Rin's shirt back at him, turning away in embarrassment. "…Thanks." Rin pulled it off his head and regarded it in silence.

"Actually, I'd rather have your panties-"

"DON'T PUSH IT."

"Hey, you washed it, too!" Rin pressed the shirt to his face and breathed deep. "Thanks! You're not so bad after all!"

"Sh-shut up! Of course I had to wash it!" Izumo flushed angrily. "It smelled like piss and _desperation_!"

"Hey!" Rin glared at her. "I'll have you know that the desperation…is by CHOICE."

"Well that's a given," Izumo snorted and turned to go.

"One last thing," Rin said, making her stop. "How do you think my hair would look fire-engine red?" He held up a box of hair-dye and waited expectantly.

"It would hide the wound where I shot you in the head," a wry voice stated from behind the pair. They turned to find Yukio standing on the stairs.

"What?" Rin asked.

"I said it would bring out your eyes."

"…No you did-" Izumo began.

"Hey, let's shut the fuck up and go see Paku!" Yukio stared pointedly at Izumo, then turned and walked off. The other two shrugged and followed.

-In the Medical Ward-

Rin shrieked and writhed, watching in terror as the thin, sharp needle dug into skin and sank in deeper, screaming all the while-

"RIN!"

"_AAAAA_- what?' Rin asked pleasantly, blinking several times.

"…You're not even the one getting a _shot_!" Yukio snapped, holding the needle in Paku's arm, who lay quietly in a bed against the wall. Rin blinked again.

"Oh, I know," Rin answered. "It just looks really painful."

"Yeah well so does your FACE!"

"…Wow, was that your final answer, Regis?" Rin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm tired, alright?" Yukio huffed, rubbing his temples. "Having an idiot brother really takes it out of a person."

"Oh, you two! Don't fight over me!" Paku giggled, cuddled up under her blankets. "Actually, please do. Feel free to rip off each other's clothes while you're at it. Make out a little, too."

And then the hospital ward got really awkward.

Rin and Yukio hurriedly split the scene, leaving Izumo to sit by Paku.

"I think she's in there for more than her injuries," Rin muttered to Yukio as they strode rather quickly down the hallway. "What was with that Ghoul that attacked us yesterday, anyway? How did it get inside the Academy? Isn't the thing protected by the thing?"

"Yes, that's right! The school is protected by powerful barriers and charms. I'm surprised you remembered that!" Yukio beamed at his twin. "Good job! You get macaroni tonight!"

"Whee! Macaroni!" Rin cheered and clapped his hands with glee.

"Oh, those two!" Paku sighed wistfully, back in the medical ward. "What a perfect pair! They're so cute together!" She giggled. "I wouldn't mind a three-way with them _anytime_!"

"…Okay what the hell did they GIVE you?" Izumo asked with concern, checking her friend's temp. "Let me see what pills you've been taking."

"Girl," Paku told her, "you gotta loosen up, or you're never gettin' laid!"

"Dammit, Paku!"

"Izumo…" Paku quieted, growing serious. "I…I'm gonna quit cram school."

"This is my fault…" Izumo sat beside her friend and sniffled. "If only I had a heart!" She stopped. "Isn't there some Oz asshole I can steal if from?"

"Don't be like that," Paku comforted her. "I love you the way you are." Izumo smiled at her friend, and a warm, tender moment passed between them. "Even if you're a _bitch_."

Izumo calmly reached over and hit the switch to administer a strong dose of Morphine to her friend, who frothed at the mouth and passed out.

-Later That Day-

Rin lay outside on the rooftop of one of the Academy's buildings, staring up at the passing clouds. …Doesn't he have class? Ah well. As he stared into the blue sky above him, his thoughts began to wander…well, wander MORE than usual anyway. He recalled battling the Ghoul in the baths, its terrifying strength as it held him down and dyed his hair, its cruel laughter… Rin shuddered.

"Who could have ordered that thing to attack?" Rin wondered to himself. "Who? Was it Satan? Or…someone else? Dammit! If they're targeting me, why not just attack me head on?" He paused for a moment. "I wonder if Destiny's Child will ever get back together again."

"Rin!" Shiemi suddenly popped her head into view, face-to-face with Rin.

"_GAHHH_!" Rin sat up with a start, smacking their foreheads together with a resounding CRACK. Shiemi howled and rolled over, Rin clutching his own head and screaming in pain. "_AUUUUGH_- DAMN I'm smooth. I could be in a Coors Light commercial!" He paused to grin and flash a thumbs-up at the camera.

"I think I got brain damage! Now I feel like you!" Shiemi staggered to her feet and went back to what she was doing before – laundry. Rin reluctantly joined the girl, helping her hang the sheets up and pin them in place for the wind to dry.

"Why laundry?" Rin asked, curious. "I thought you wanted to be an Exorcist, not a maid." He paused. "You gonna bleach those Demons to death? Granted, it works for _Ichigo_-"

"I just want to help any way I can," Shiemi said softly, smoothing down one of the sheets. "So for now, I'll do my specialty, laundry!" She look at Rin and beamed.

"_Gaahk_!"

"Aww, Rin, you don't have to get choked up about-"

"_Guuuurk_!" Rin was flailing now, desperately pointing at his neck, which he'd somehow managed to tangle with sheets and was in danger of hanging himself.

"Oh my God Rin! Hold on!" Shiemi snatched up a pair of scissors and dashed to his side. She stopped short. "Oh, but they're so _clean_-"

"_GURK_!"

"Alright, alright!"

After his near-strangulation incident, Rin sat in class, a large French woman with too much ugly and not enough makeup at the front, yapping away in a hard-to-write accent. So I won't bother!

"Most Demons have a fatal verse from one of the holy scriptures that'll make them die instantly," she was saying. "Aria specializes in memorizing these verses." Rin had fallen into a coma and was hooked up to life-support. "Now! Who wants to recite from our homework?" The French teacher looked about the classroom. At his desk (and awake once again), Rin raised his hand. "Yes, Rin?"

"Excuse me, ma'am," Rin said politely, "but why the FUCK do you have a cat on your shoulders, and where the FUCK can I buy one?"

The teacher stared back at him blankly.

"…Detention, Rin."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Izumo!" The teacher pointed at Izumo, who jumped in surprise.

"Horrible friend- I mean…what? Oh." She quickly stood, clearing her throat, and began reciting aloud. "Everyday we thank thee…and we praise…uh…" She trailed off, thinking hard. "Um…wanna…rock your body…please stay?"

"Ooh, I LOVE this song!" Rin jumped up and began singing along. "_Bet__I__'__ll__have__ya__naked__at__the__end__of__this__son_g!"

"Enough!" The teacher threw her arms up in exasperation. "Sit down!" Izumo obeyed, flushing with embarrassment. Rin stayed standing. "You too, Rin!"

"Sure you don't want an encore?" He asked, winking. A shoe flew through the air and clocked the back of his head.

"Boo! Get off the stage!" Someone shouted from the back.

"Alright who the FUCK did that?" Rin whirled around, eyes blazing. Suguro slowly stood up, cracking his knuckles dangerously. "…I'll let it slide just this once." He quickly sat down.

"Since you're already up, why don't you recite, Suguro?" The teacher asked wearily. The tall boy nodded and began.

"Everyday we thank thee, and we praise thy name forever, yea, forever and ever. Let me never be put to shame, please allow four to six weeks for delivery, only at your participating dealer-ships, satisfaction guaranteed, results may vary." Having finished, Suguro sat down. The class burst into rounds of applause.

"Amazing, Suguro!" The teacher said in awe, clapping along. Rin snapped awake with a snort and wiped the drool off his chin.

"Whuzzat? What'd I miss?"

"That was _awesome_!" Shiemi said, also clapping.

"_Hmph_!" Suguro smiled at everyone's praise and shrugged. "Careful not to fall for me, now!"

"Is that a challenge?" Rin asked, winking.

"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Oh, please!" Izumo rolled her eyes and tossed her head, catching herself on her desk as she got a little dizzy. "Its just memorization! Even a _chimp_ can do that!"

"…Can a chimp throw it's own poo?" Rin asked, raising a hand. Izumo stared at him in disgust.

"_Yes_."

"Damn!" Rin cursed. "Stupid chimps always gotta have one up on me!"

"I don't wanna hear any lip from someone who broke into song!" Suguro shot back, glaring at Izumo.

"In her defense, it _is_ a good song-" Shima interjected.

"Shut it!" Suguro pushed him away. "What's next, Cry Me a River, or Sexy-Back?"

"I prefer Sexy-Back-"

"Enough, Shima!"

I'm GONNA sing Hit Me Baby, One More Time!" Izumo snapped, standing up.

"Oh my gosh I LOVE that one-"

"GODAMMIT, SHIMA!" Suguro stood up as well, glaring at Izumo and starting toward her. "You wanna start something? Come on! I'll hit a girl!"

"So will I!" Izumo shot back.

"Why you-!" Suguro lunged forward, grabbing Izumo by the front of her shirt. The girl suddenly pulled free, whirled about and slapped Rin across the face. The boy fell back, sputtering in surprise and confusion.

"Wha…what the hell? Why'd you hit me! I'm not even IN on this scrap!" He blinked. "Hell, I'm on the other side of the _room_!"

"You heard me." Izumo shrugged. "I just said I'd hit a girl."

"Oh it is ON now, girlfriend!" Rin pulled out a bell, dinged it, then leapt on her, hissing and spitting, back arched and nails out.

"Down! _Down_!" Yukio was suddenly there, spritzing Rin with a small squirt-bottle and driving him back. "Now STAY." He turned to glare at the others. "That's it! Everyone come with me!"

Herding the students down the hall, Yukio threw them all into an empty classroom and forced them to sit in a line, a large, grey stone nestled in their laps as they knelt on the floor.

"Ugh…" Rin moaned, grimacing in pain. "Stone…slowly…but surely…crushing balls!"

"…Well this isn't so bad," Shiemi stated, looking down at her stone.

"Shut up, you ball-less _freak_!"

"What is _wrong_ with you guys?" Yukio interrupted, marching up and down the line of students, scowling. "You know there's another reason for this camp. Besides studying, you're also supposed to strengthen your bonds with each other!"

"Social link rank UP!" Rin giggled. Everyone stared at him. "Oh what, I'm the only one here who plays Persona? Well guess what? Now I'm in reverse. Suck on THAT."

"…Anyway," Yukio cleared his throat. "You all have to get along! Exorcists can't fight alone! No-one can!" He paused. "Except Chuck Norris. Because he's awesome like that." He paused again. "And speaking of being alone, I will now leave y'all in this creepy, abandoned dorm by yourselves for three hours. But don't worry! I will also be locking all the doors and windows so no one can escape- I mean, uh, go outside. For any reason. At all." He paused one last time. "You will be shot on sight-"

"Scuze me!" Rin raised a hand. "Why are you leaving us for three hours?"

"I'm going on a mission, now you-"

"Oh please. You're gonna go take a massive _shit_ aren't you- _GWAAGH_!"

Yukio placed his boot on Rin's stone, crushing his brother's smaller pair (punnnnns!). Then he spun on his heel and marched out of the room, leaving the students all on their lonesome.

"Good God, is he really your brother?" Suguro muttered darkly.

"You mean is he really _human_?" Shima added with a snort.

"He used to be a nice guy, really!" Rin protested, then stared off into the distance. "…And then the MOLES came."

"Dammit, this is all your fault!" Suguro cast a withering glare at Izumo, who bristled. "Nice going, eyebrows!"

"MY fault?" Izumo snapped, said eyebrows furrowing in outrage. "You grabbed my shirt!" She paused. "Though now that I think about it, that'll probably be the _only_ action you'll _ever_ get. You're WELCOME."

"I don't want your titties, bitch!"

"…I do."

"I swear to GOD, Shima!"

Suddenly the lights snapped off. A high-pitched, girly scream pierced the air like a knife. The students burst into panic in the sudden near-darkness.

"Shiemi? You okay?"

"It was RIN!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Then why are you in my lap?" Suguro asked. Rin stared up at him soulfully for a moment before answering.

"…I just feel so SAFE with you." He whispered, leaning his head on the boy's broad shoulder and sighing.

"_Get__the__fuck__offa__me_!" Suguro shoved him away.

"Alright, everyone, calm down." Shima chuckled and stood, walking toward the door. "I'm sure that everything is perfectly fine." He reached forward and pulled the door open. "Here, see for yourse-"

A two-headed Ghoul loomed in the doorway, breath ragged, eyes glowing a murderous red. Shima stared at it, unmoving.

"Hi, I'm a little lost," the Ghoul finally spoke. "Is this the room where I come in and kill everyone?"

"Oh, heavens NO," Shima answered smoothly. "That's five rooms down and to your right."

"Oh. Okay." The Ghoul nodded. "Thanks so much! Take care!"

"Yup! You too!" Shima waved as the Ghoul moved on down the hallway and slowly closed the door. He stood there for several seconds, then screamed piercingly and ran over to the others, arms waving in the air.

"I KNEW this was the right room!" The Ghoul roared, bashing down the door and entering.

"It's the Ghoul from yesterday!" Rin cried in horror.

"What? How can you be sure?" Konekomaru asked.

The Ghoul grinned and held up…_a__curling__iron_.

"Oh yeah. _Definitely_ the one from yesterday," Rin whispered.

The second, lumpier head of the Ghoul suddenly strained, expanding and pulling at the stitches binding it closed. It exploded after a moment, spattering Ghoul-bits all about the room with disgusting accuracy.

"Ew, man!" Rin stated with revulsion. "That's like my BACK! Why not try Pro-active? It worked wonders for me!"

"It's not a zit, Rin!" Izumo barked at him. "It's _miasma_!"

"…So I'm not gonna get a breakout?"

"No, you'll get sick and slowly DIE!"

"Well as long as I have a silky smooth complexion-"

"Ni-Chan! Help us out!" Shiemi cried. Her little Green Man spirit popped out of her hair and squeaked. Straining hard, huge branches suddenly sprouted from the little guy, quickly filling the room and beating the Ghoul back.

"Alright! That was _awesome_, Shiemi!" Rin crowed, flashing her a thumbs-up. "You've just been upgraded to 'do-able' in my book!"

"…In my book, a _chair_ is do-able," Shima stated to himself. "Hell, my HAND-"

"OKAY ENOUGH!" Suguro interrupted. "Wait…what is…"

Through the branches, the students watched with horror as the Ghoul, previously speared by a branch, split apart at the seams and fall to the floor. Bubbling, the burst-head half grew another arm and leg, then stood, gurgling and drooling.

"Aw! _Awww_!" Rin turned and glared. "Dammit, Shiemi! I take it back, you didn't even kill that thing! We're still gonna be violently disemboweled! You've been downgraded to 'last resort', which is right under 'twincest'!"

"…Hell my 'last resort' is THAT thing-" Shima added, pointing at the Ghoul

"ALRIGHT WE GET IT YOU'RE DESPERATE!" Suguro roared.

"It's coming!" Konekomaru cried in fear as the Ghoul began crashing its way through the branches, eyes on the delicious students.

"Okay! Don't panic!" Rin faced the others. "Anyone got some holy water? A weapon? _Anything_?" Everyone looked at him blankly.

"…I got Herpes," Shima put in.

"_Gross_," Rin stated matter-of-factly. "Dammit, Yukio! Where ARE you?" He whipped out his phone and began punching buttons like mad.

"Are you trying to call Yukio?" Izumo asked, eyes on the Ghoul.

"Hell _no_! I'm updating my Facebook status!" Rin leaned over and showed Izumo. It read 'Being killed by a Demon brb lololololoool!11'.

"Ooh, can I check my email?" Konekomaru asked beside him.

"Now is NOT the time for this shit!" Suguro roared. "We gotta figure out how to drive off that-"

"I've got it!" Rin gasped. "Okay, guys. Here's what we gotta do. We pick the weakest link amongst us and sacrifice them to the Ghoul, hoping that their moist innards will quench its ravenous blood-lust." He paused. "I vote for Konekomaru."

"Hey!"

"You gotta admit, he is a _little_ annoying," Rin stressed. Suguro narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, considering.

"…Who votes for RIN?" He asked, raising his hand. Everyone else immediately joined in.

"Oh, I am SO blogging about this!" Rin cried in outrage, taking his phone out again. The others simply shoved him out through the branches, catching the attention of the Ghoul.

"Come on, it's _me_ you want!" Rin called tauntingly, rubbing his body suggestively in an attempt to lure it close. Suddenly he stopped and stared down at his abs. "DAMN I'm fine!" The Ghoul agreed, whistling with approval, then gave chase. Rin beat a hasty retreat from the classroom, the Ghoul following close behind.

"Yes, we're safe now!" Suguro cheered. "Shiemi, you can lower the barrier!"

"W-wait!" Konekomaru interrupted. "Do you think that's…safe?"

"Of course it's safe! The Ghoul is going after Rin!" Suguro scoffed.

"But still! Shouldn't we keep it up just to be careful?" Konekomaru argued.

"I dunno, he makes a good point," the Ghoul joined in.

"See, he agrees with me!" Suguro added. "We should whoa WHOA _WHOA_!"

Everyone shrieked with fear as the other half of the Ghoul (the one with the non-burst head) stood up, fully formed, and began smashing through the branches toward them again, gurgling hungrily.

"_Shit_! Now there are _two_ of them?" Suguro clenched his fist. "That's it! I can't just sit here! Let's kill it with chants!" He whipped out some prayer beads.

"_What_?" Konekomaru sputtered in fright. "Buh-but we don't even know its fatal verse!"

Suguro stared at him for a long, quiet moment.

"Wow, Rin was right," he finally stated. "You ARE a little annoying."

"Okay, FINE! I'll help!" Konekomaru huffed and stood beside Suguro.

"I'll try and hold it off if it breaks through!" Shima joined in. "Although there is a 50% chance that I'll just shit myself and pass out."

"You guys are all crazy!" Izumo suddenly cried, glaring at the boys. "Do you really think you can fight that thing? It's not going to work! We'll all _die_!"

"…Christ, maybe we should have thrown _you_ to the Ghoul!" Suguro snorted, then closed his eyes and began to chant. "…Cuz I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me…"

Rin, meanwhile, was dashing about the dorm, the Ghoul still on his tail (PUN). Finally locating the Facility Room, Rin ducked inside, searching for the switchboard.

"I gotta turn the lights back on!" He growled, scanning the switches. "I think light hurts those things! Ah! Here we go!" Finding the appropriate switch, he reached out-

Suddenly the Ghoul as behind him, a long, slimy tongue whipping from its gaping maw and wrapping around his neck.

"_Gahk_! If this wasn't so disgusting I would be really impressed right now!" Rin gagged and was yanked back. Summoning his blue flames, he threw the nasty tongue off and whirled around, glaring at the Ghoul. "Eww, man! This is only the second date! No tongue!" Rin paused. "Unless you're _really_ cute. Which you aren't."

The Ghoul stared at him, hurt in its hollow eye sockets.

"Yeah sorry that was outta line. I take it back."

The Ghoul leapt to the back of the room, where a figure emerged from the shadows. Rin blinked in surprise as one of the cram school teachers, Professor Nehaus, stepped out.

"Yes…" he murmured quietly, eyes- er, EYE on Rin and the flames flickering about him. "Those are the flames I want to see…" He paused. "The…the blue flames." Again a pause. "Because you're the son of Satan." Another pause. "Do you get were I'm going with thi-"

"YOU!" Rin growled, pointing at the man. "Was yesterday's make-over _your_ fault? The horrible dye-job?" When Nehaus stood silent and didn't deny it, Rin reached into his pockets and pulled out…a buzzer. "I want my money BACK!"

He switched it on with an ominous _BZZZZZ_.

Back in the small classroom, Shiemi swayed, her strength fading. The miasma was too much for her, and she fell to her side in a faint. Instantly Ni popped out of existence, as did the barrier of tree branches. The Ghoul stood in the room, unobstructed and grinning evilly.

"_Shit_!" Suguro forced himself to ignore this and continued chanting.

"I got this!" Shima stepped forward, eyes determined, jaw set. He raised a hand, pointed at the Ghoul, and said; "Hey, baby. Do you have Visa? Because you're everywhere I want to be."

The Ghoul stood there, blinking in confusion. It growled softly, unsure.

"…Are you freaking kidding me?" Konekomaru asked incredulously. "You're going to hold the Ghoul back…with _pick-up__lines_?"

"Hey shut up! They're all I got!" Shima cleared his throat and tried again. "Pardon me, miss. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"

The Ghoul growled and took a step forward.

"Uh…excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position."

The Ghoul snarled and charged. Shima squealed and tried one last time.

"Hey, honey. Which one of the Spice Girls are you?"

The Ghoul stopped, blushed, and giggled.

"Alright! I think I'm in!" Shima pumped his fist in the air. "_Score_!"

The Ghoul slapped him across the face.

"Ow! Okay, maybe not!"

Back in the Facility Room, Rin was facing Nehaus, who smirked at him.

"Show me…that power!" He hissed, his single eye burning.

"…Well since you asked so nicely," Rin shrugged, then leapt on the Ghoul, hair-dye in one hand. In a matter of moments the Ghoul stumbled back, its hair now fire-engine red. Rin stopped and considered it, tapping a finger to his chin. "_Hmm_. You know, now that I actually see it, it really isn't my color. Oh well." He snapped his fingers and the Ghoul burst into blue flames, crumbling to ashes. Rin looked into the shadows, but Nehaus had already departed. "Damn! Whatever." He lifted a hand and did the Final Fantasy victory-song thing that plays after battle.

In the other room, Izumo crouched over Shiemi, shaking the unconscious girl.

"Wake up!" She hissed, eyes on the approaching Ghoul. "Wake UP!"

"I…zu…mo?" Shiemi slowly opened her eyes and gazed up at her dreamily. "What's…wrong with you today? You're not…your usual bitchy self…"

"_Shh_! Get up, whore, I need you to be my meat shield!"

"…I retract that earlier statement," Shiemi corrected. "You're still a bitch."

"Ugh! Nevermind!" Izumo knelt, pulling out her two Demon circles once again. Laying them flat, she closed her eyes and chanted, summoning the two fox-spirits to her side.

"Woman!" One of the spirits cried in outrage. "How _dare_ you summon-"

"TSST!"

"Ow! What are you-"

"TSST! TSST! _TSSSST_!"

The fox-spirits lay on their backs at Izumo's feet, staring up at her, calm-submissive, ready to obey any order.

"Now HEEL, bitches." Izumo glared at the approaching Ghoul. "Sic him!"

The fox-spirits obeyed, leaping at the Ghoul, teeth bared. The Ghoul stumbled back for a moment, thrashing, then struck back.

"TSST!"

"What? How?" Izumo wailed as her summons winked out of existence.

"Unlike you," the Ghoul smirked, "I _have_ the National Geographic channel!" Charging past the others, the Ghoul reached down and grabbed Suguro by the hair, the boy wincing but continuing to chant, even as the huge Demon lifted a hand to-

The lights snapped on, dazing the Ghoul with its intense brightness. The intercom switched on with an ear-piercing whine, then quieted as a high-pitched, nasal voice began speaking.

"Can I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Would Bonanorama please report to the front office, your diarrhea medication is in, and also don't forget to report to the infirmary, where Dr. Rin will be happy and willing to give you a prostate exam. Thank you, please drive around to the next window!"

The intercom shrieked once again, then cut off.

"GODAMN YOU EFFING IDIOT JUST _DIE_!" Suguro roared in fury. The Ghoul suddenly reeled back, clutching its throat, gasping out its last breath as the entire creature imploded, burning up into ashes in an instant. Everyone stared at the blackened scorch mark in silence.

"…What…were the _chances_-" Shima began.

"Shut up and get me a change of pants!" Suguro snapped. "I almost _died_!"

"HEY!" Rin rushed into the room, panting. "Did you guys do the victory-theme yet?" Everyone stared at him murderously. "No? Okay, good. Let's do it all together. One, two, th-"

Suguro knocked him down with a clothesline.

"Hooray! We're alive!" Konekomaru cheered as Suguro and Rin squabbled.

"And I got that Ghoul's number!" Shima added, holding a small piece of paper.

"_Yaaay_- wait, what?"

Off in the corner, Izumo was helping Shiemi sit up, the blonde girl wincing in pain.

"I hate you, you know," Izumo stated. Shiemi blinked and looked at her in surprise. "But…thanks. For trying to give me a pep-talk."

"Oh…" Shiemi smiled, touched. "…Izumo…you-"

"BAG."

*_THUD_!*

"Paku…" Izumo turned away from Shiemi's bloody nose and quietly thought to herself. "I'll…do my best."

"…To be a BITCH," Rin added.

"GODAMMIT, RIN! HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND? BAG!"

*_THUD_!*

The door opened and Yukio walked in, gazing about in confusion.

"What is going on in-" He stopped, catching sight of the entire class locked in Mortal Kombat.

Yukio calmly walked out and shut the door.

-Episode 8 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Had fun looking up lame pick-up lines for this one. My favorite is the FBI one. Which is yours? Feel free to use them yourselves and get slapped. Also, no idea when the next chapter will be out – going home for Thanksgiving and lots of shit going on. I'll try my best though! Just be patient, it'll be out eventually! Review, please!


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Alrighty lucky for y'all neeeext. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 9

Memories

Yukio stood sulking outside the classroom, arms folded stubbornly and hunched over. He glared at several other teachers standing in the hallway with him, all waiting expectantly.

"I'm NOT going back in there," Yukio stated bluntly. "You can't make me."

"Uh…but…" one particularly courageous/incredibly stupid teacher began to point out, "aren't you contractually obligated to-"

Yukio calmly placed the barrel of his gun in the man's mouth.

"…Uness oo on _wan_ oo," the man corrected himself around the gun.

"…Godammit." Yukio heaved a sigh, removed and cleaned his gun with a handkerchief, then spun, turning on his heel and marching back into the stinking bowels of hell- I mean…the classroom. Inside, Rin and the other students were engaged in some kind of battle-orgy, everyone shrieking and squalling and fighting.

Yukio watched them for a long moment, praying silently for God to give him strength, then raised his gun and fired several rounds into the air. The group immediately scattered in fright, Rin freezing in place and blinking rapidly.

"…I think I shitted a little."

"Are you guys done?" Yukio asked dangerously. The students slowly nodded, eyes locked on the gun. "Okay good. Then I guess we _don__'__t_ need those body-bags."

Professor Nehaus walked into the classroom behind Yukio, scowling about at the students. Rin caught sight of the man and gasped aloud, eyes going wide.

"Oh my God!" He cried, pointing a finger accusingly at Nehaus. "_You_…"

Nehaus stiffened, body tensing and eye narrowing.

"…Have an AWESOME eye-patch!" Rin finished in a rush. "Can I try it on?"

"Uh…thank…you?" Nehaus replied slowly, thrown off. "…And no."

"Hmm. Wait a sec." Rin paused, rubbing his chin. "That eye-patch looks familiar. In fact, it's almost _exactly_ like that asshole's who just tried to KILL me." He paused again, mind chugging along. "…HOLD ON. YOU _ARE_ THE GUY WHO-"

"A wet willy!" A voice cried jubilantly as a wet finger was inserted into Rin's virgin ear-canal.

"_EEAAAARGH_!" Rin threw himself to the floor, clutching his head and writhing with disgust. "My ear has been VIOLATED!" He glared up at the culprit and sputtered in surprise.

"…My finger will call your ear later," Mephisto winked, hanging from the ceiling.

"You should have used protection!" Rin shot at him. "Think of the _consequences_!"

"Congratulations, Pages, on your good work!" Mephisto addressed the class as he smoothly dropped from the ceiling and straightened. They gaped at him in total confusion. "Oh, come now!" Mephisto snorted. "Do you _really_ think I'd let Demons crawl all over my academy?"

"Gaa-_choo_!" Rin sneezed explosively. Everyone turned to stare at him. "…Anyone got a hanky? And for the love of God, someone BLESS me already!"

"_Fuck_ you," Suguro snapped from the back.

"That's close enough!"

Mephisto held up a hand a snapped his fingers. Immediately dozens of teachers popped out of hidey-holes located all around the room. Several climbed out from under the floor, one crawled from the closet, and another fell from the ceiling, riddled with gun-shot wounds. Yukio frowned and kicked the body away. Heck, a man even popped out from beneath Shiemi's kimono!

"WHAT? HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET UNDER THERE?" She screeched, greatly disturbed. "AND HOW DID I NOT _NOTICE_?" The man winked and handed her his cell-number. She hurled the paper back at him. "You are NOT Yukio!"

"Oh my God what is going ON?" Rin wailed, flabbergasted. "…Are we getting Punk'd? Where's Ashton? My buzzer has a date with his hobo-hair." He pulled out his trusty buzzer and flipped it on with a low _BZZZZZ_.

"Surprise!" Mephisto sang, spinning in place. "Your training camp and the Exwire exam were at the same time!"

"You _planned_ this?" Izumo cried in outrage.

"No, actually, my schedule was just _really_ full." Mephisto shrugged. "But anyway. During the training camp, teachers were observing and testing you!"

"Really?" Rin gasped in excitement. "What'd I score while I was on the can?"

"…We don't take bathroom breaks into account."

"Aww, come ON, I totally deserved a ten for that!" Rin frowned at him. "And for the record, my ear would score your finger a FIVE."

"You all did well!" Mephisto ignored Rin and clapped his hands together. "I'm very impressed with everyone! 100 points for Griffindor!"

"This isn't Harry Potter, dumbass!" Izumo complained.

Mephisto stared blankly at her.

"…That'll be twenty THOUSAND points from Slytherin."

"Why you…! Wait!" Izumo sputtered. "That's not fair! Give them back!"

"Well, I can't say that this has been fun," Rin told everyone, "because it hasn't.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get a pregnancy test for my EAR."

-Later-

The students were now recovering from their traumatizing incident in the medical ward, sitting on various beds and chatting to one another, everyone hooked up to IV's and being treated for their injuries. Shima was busy unscrewing a bottle of Coke and pouring it into his IV bag.

"…What?" He asked after a look from Konekomaru. "I'm thirsty. Shut up." Rin, meanwhile, was howling in fury, cursing at the top of his lungs as he called Mephisto every name in the book and then some NOT in the book.

"RIN!" Suguro roared.

"_Son__of__a__donkey_- yes?" Rin paused in his tirade and looked at the boy.

"Shiemi is trying to SLEEP." Suguro pointed at the girl, who lay in a nearby bed, eyes closed and breathing quietly. Rin shrugged.

"So what? She doesn't mind. Do ya, honey?" Rin called. Shiemi didn't move. "See she don't care."

"She's _unconscious_, dumbass!"

"Why aren't we feeling her up?" Shima asked matter-of-factly.

"Because _that__'__s_ assault," Konekomaru stated.

"Not if they don't find out about it."

"What are you so angry about, anyway?" Suguro asked, glaring at Rin.

"Because the test came back positive. My ear is pregnant." Rin sighed and sat on the bedside. "I don't know if I can keep it."

"Rin, you're sitting on Shiemi."

"Well then she needs to MOVE OVER." Rin turned and shoved Shiemi off the bed with a thump, then leaned back on the fluffy pillow and put his feet up. "_Aaah_. That's better."

"I can't believe there was a surprise exam!" Konekomaru exclaimed, holding his head and groaning. "I'm so gonna flunk! I barely did anything!"

"That's not true!" Rin said, attempting to comfort him. "There's the time you…no wait, Shima did that…okay, how about when you…no, no…" He paused, thinking hard. "Okay, yeah, you're pretty much boned."

"_Dang_ it!"

"But you DID do all the bitching and complaining, so maybe they'll take that into consideration! You'd certainly ace that!"

"Calm down, stupid," Izumo interrupted the conversation, rolling her eyes. "You all did fine working together. _I__'__m_ the one in trouble here."

"Aww, don't worry!" Rin winked at her. "I'd score you an 11 outta 10 for _attitude_!" He stopped for a moment. "And by 'attitude', I mean _sass_." He stopped again. "And by 'sass', I mean you're a-"

"I KNOW you're gonna say 'bitch'!" Izumo cut him off, glaring daggers.

"…Okay, 12 outta 10! _Sheesh_!" Rin turned to Shima and muttered under his breath. "Christ, whatta _bitch_-"

Izumo slugged him.

"However badly you did," Suguro pointed out, "I'm sure you did better than Jeff Dunham and the uni-bomber over there." He turned to glare at the small blonde boy with the pink bunny-puppet and the guy with a dark hooded sweat-shirt. "What do you guys have to say for yourselves?"

The boy simply lifted his puppet and spoke in a thick middle-eastern accent.

"Silence! I kill you!"

"_What_?" Suguro stood up and clenched a fist.

"_Bwahahaha_! That's awesome!" Rin threw his head back and laughed. "Where's Walter? He's my favorite!"

"Screw you, homo!" The puppet spat.

"_You__son__of__a__bitch_!" Rin lunged for the puppet but was held back by Suguro, feet kicking and arms flailing. "I'll pull your button eyes out and eat your stuffing while you WATCH, you damn sock monkey! And who you calling 'homo', huh? You're the one with a guy's hand up your ASS!"

"Rin, sit down!" Suguro growled, forcing the ranting boy back.

"He _really_ hurt my _feelings_!" Rin choked out, fighting back tears.

Shiemi, awakened by all the noise, slowly blinked her eyes open and lifted her head.

"Ow…" she groaned, wincing. "Why am I on the floor?"

"Because Suguro pushed you off the bed," Rin answered immediately. "He's such an asshole." He helped Shiemi up onto the bed, where the others smiled at her.

"You really helped us out against the Ghoul!" Konekomaru told her. "You'll probably get the best grade of all!" He laughed, and the others joined in as well. "Which is why I have to kill you now."

"Ahahaha…wait what-"

Shima tackled the boy before he could act and held him down on the floor.

"Just let it go, man! Just…let…it…GO!"

"No! It should be ME!" Konekomaru wailed, then burst into tears.

"…So anyway," Suguro stated, eyeing the two on the floor, "thanks, Shiemi. You saved our asses." He frowned. "By the way, how did you manage to beat your Ghoul, Rin?"

"Oh!" Rin started, thinking fast. "I uh…I killed it."

"…Could you be more _specific_?" Suguro asked after a moment.

"I killed it. I killed it dead. Like…like with a rock or something. Like a…like a stone." Rin paused, blinking. "So how did you kill yours?"

"Well I hit on it," Shima began.

"Wow, punches and kicks? Nice."

"No I mean I asked it out."

"OKAY EW NEVERMIND." Rin gagged and turned away.

"We're going to the movies next week-"

"_ENOUGH_!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere at the moment, Professor Nehaus strode through the grand hall of the Academy, the walls awash with an orange glow from the brilliant sunset outside. As he passed a large staircase, a familiar voice called down to him.

"Professor Nehaus…may we talk?" The man turned to find Yukio standing on the staircase, his expression deadly serious. Nehaus stared back at him in silence.

"…I don't think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level."

"…Why what don't you like about me?" Yukio began. "I mean…no! That's not what I…" He stomped his foot and tried again. "Your actions yesterday were inexcusable. You tried to get Rin to use his powers in front of the other students. Why? Just what are your intentions?"

"…Well, I'm obviously trying to make you jealous-"

"Well it's working so knock it off." Yukio glared. "Wait. Dammit not again! Explain yourself, Professor Nehaus!"

"Okay, fine! You really want to know?" Nehaus threw his hands up in defeat and sighed. "It's like this. I'm the accelerator, you're the brakes, and Rin is the crash-test dummy in the car. Emphasis on the 'dummy' part." He paused for a moment. "And now it's time to hit that brick wall going 80 miles per hour."

"…Well as long as he's wearing a seatbelt-" Yukio began.

"HE'S NOT."

"OH GOD IT'LL BE EVERYWHERE."

"Calm down," Nehaus scoffed. "It's not like I'd actually _kill_ him." He turned to leave and muttered under his breath. "YET."

"…I can HEAR you."

"I mean, uh…call me later, honey!" Nehaus waved and blew him a kiss. Yukio whipped out his gun and shot it five times.

-Later…-

Later that evening, Shiemi sat at the front of their shop, watching the store while her mother was elsewhere. The girl was watering Ni-chan, sprinkling the little spirit with cool water as it sat relaxing in a dish. Shiemi smiled, remembering her fellow students' praise earlier that day.

"Yesterday was tough, huh?" She whispered to Ni-chan. It squeaked in approval. "Thank God it's over…" She sighed and was quiet for a few moments. "Okay, time for your nightly pruning!" She turned and picked up an enormous pair of shears. Ni-Chan squealed and cowered in fear.

There was a knock at the door. Shiemi stopped and looked up to see Yukio entering the store.

"Good evening, Shiemi." Yukio greeted politely, nodding at her.

"Yuki-chan? Why are you here?" Shiemi gasped out, flustered. She paused and thought to herself. "Is this the part where I jump him?"

"I wanted to talk to you about your future." Yukio rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a paper. "For your future occupation, you wrote down 'Yuki-Chan's sex-slave'."

"…Is there a problem with that?"

"…Where should I start?"

The two of them sat down for some tea, Shiemi wringing her hands and explaining.

"I'm not all that determined to become an Exorcist," she sighed, shrugging. "I pretty much joined up so I could ogle you for a good part of the day."

"Mm, this tea is _delicious_," Yukio stated, completely oblivious.

"Dear Lord why do I even-"

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Yukio cut her off. Shiemi blinked.

"Are you kidding me? I have that shit on Blu-Ray."

Yukio was staring off into the distance, smiling, his expression dreamy.

"Yes…I remember…I had just become an Exorcist…"

-_Flashbaaaack_!-

A slightly younger Yukio stood beside his father, nervously straightening the collar of his Exorcist uniform. Reverend Fujimoto glanced at him and chuckled.

"Calm down, kid, it's just a store," he told him. "No need to crap yourself."

"That's you, dad."

"Shut up. This world doesn't need two Rins." Fujimoto stared at him blankly. "I think those are the requirements for the Apocalypse. Now let's go in." He turned and kicked the front door of the store open, barging in with a loud shout. "Hey, boo! Who wants some sweet loving?"

"Oh my GOD dad you are SO embarrassing," Yukio whimpered, following his father into the store and covering his face. Shiemi's mother looked up and smiled at the pair, waving them over.

"Well, well! Look at you!" She beamed at Yukio. "An Exorcist, yes? Here, I want you to meet my daughter, Shiemi! She's way too shy!" She turned and pointed behind her. Shiemi stood peeking out from behind a nearby doorway, eyes wide and frightened. Yukio blinked at the sight and smiled gently.

"Hello."

"Take me, boy of my dreams."

"Wait what?" Yukio frowned. "…You sure about that, lady?"

"Yup," Fujimoto laughed. "She's as shy as ever!"

"Okay are you guys seriously not seeing what I-" Shiemi winked at him. "OKAY, REALLY?"

Having finished their errand, father and son left the shop and were walking back down the path when a voice called to them from the garden.

"Hey hot stuff! Wait!" Yukio stopped and turned to find Shiemi hurrying over through the bushes. Upon reaching him, she took a deep breath and thrust out a beautifully-crafted flower crown. "Here! For you!"

"Uh…I don't…" Yukio began, hesitating.

"It'll make your moles less noticeable."

"_GIMME_, BITCH!" Yukio snatched the flower crown from her and crammed it onto his head. "OH DEAR GOD _BEEEES_!"

"Good luck with your missions, Mr. Exorcist!" Shiemi encouraged.

"Um, you know you can call me casually," Yukio said, smiling. Shiemi thought for a moment.

"Stud muffin?"

"No."

"Candy balls?"

"GOD no!"

"Master-"

"NO! Look, just call me Yuki-chan, okay?" Yukio heaved a sigh. "_Sheesh_."

"Alright then, Master Yuki-chan."

"_Motherfuh_-"

"Take care!" Shiemi began to leave, waving over her shoulder. "Call me!"

-_End__of__Flashbaaaack_!-

"…You know you never did call me," Shiemi stated, remembering. "But other than that, you really are amazing."

"I'm really not all that impressive a person," Yukio returned modestly. "When we were little, my brother was the awesome one, doing all the things I couldn't, while I was just a crybaby who pooped his pants all the time…" He paused. "Of course now it's the other way round. But…people can't stay children forever." He paused again. "Except Rin, because he's retarded."

"And Peter Pan," Shiemi added.

"…Peter Pan is retarded?"

"No. He can stay a child forever."

"Oh. Right. Listen." Yukio put down his cup of tea and leaned in close, face serious. "You have talent as a Tamer, Shiemi. You just need the determination to continue your studies. I know you can do it. I'm sorry that the Exwire exam was so difficult, but the teachers were there to ensure your safety." He broke off for a moment, frowning. "Except that guy who was under your kimono. I'm not really sure where he came from."

"You mean he wasn't even a TEACHER?" Shiemi screeched. "I'm gonna have to wash that thing TWICE!"

Suddenly Yukio's eyes narrowed, his mole senses tingling.

"I have to go!" He declared, standing up. "Something doesn't feel right!" He stood frozen in place for a long moment, then slowly fell forward, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

"Finally! That ruffy took _forever_ to take effect!" Shiemi leaped up and grabbed Yukio by the legs. "Help me get him to the bedroom, Ni-chan!"

"…Ni?"

-Even Later…-

Rin was fast asleep, tossing about and drooling on himself. Ghostly footsteps echoed in the old dorm, the bedroom door slowly creaking open. A shadow entered, and Professor Nehaus, hissing like a Ring-Wraith, slithered up next to Rin's bed, his jumbo-sized compass held high, pointed end shining in the moonlight. He took a deep breath, then plunged in into the blankets with all his strength.

"You liar!" Nehaus froze. Yukio stood behind the man, weapon drawn and trained on his head. "You told me you wouldn't kill him!"

"…I'm…_not_…" Nehaus stated slowly.

"…Then what are you doing?"

"I'm…measuring the circumference of…his internal organs?" Nehaus paused and glanced at Yukio over his shoulder. "I like your slippers." Yukio was in his pajamas, wearing pink fluffy slippers and a nightcap. "Nice face cream, too."

"It's exfoliating shut up!"

In another room of the dorm, Rin lay on the floor, slumbering. Shiemi leaned close and shook the boy awake.

"Rin! Wake up!" Shiemi whispered. Rin slowly opened his eyes and saw her.

"_Whoa_! What are _you_ doing here?" He stared at Shiemi blankly. "Was it good for you?"

"You wouldn't wake up, so Yukio moved you to another room," Shiemi explained quietly. "He said if you didn't wake up soon to use the life paddles because you might be DEAD-"

"Uh, why didn't you just grab my crotch? That'd wake me up in a jiffy-"

Shiemi punched him in the nuts.

"That works too!" He gurgled, doubled over.

_BLAM__BLAM_!

Yukio and Nehaus were battling in the stairwell, the one-eyed professor stabbing his tattooed arm, drawing blood and summoning Demonic hands with a cry. Yukio expertly shot the hands down, ducking and weaving about. He stopped and glared at the mess they were making on the walls and floor.

"Dammit, do you know how much _scrubbing_ it's gonna take to get that outta the carpet? _Shit_!" Yukio stomped a foot and glared. "And I bet you didn't even wipe your shoes! Take them off this instant!" He chased the other man to the rooftop, yelling obscenities. "It's bad enough with Rin but you too?"

The two men faced off on the roof, circling one another, weapons out.

"Why?" Yukio demanded to know. "Why do you want to kill my brother?"

"_Obviously_," Nehaus snorted, "he's the only thing standing between you and-"

_BLAM_!

Nehaus dodged away, using his compass to quickly draw a large Demonic circle. Stepping back, he once again stabbed his arm with a sharp object and spattered blood on the symbol.

"_Owchies_!" Yukio winced at the dripping wound. "You are gonna need a _huge_ band-aid-"

"Naberius!" Nehaus cried. "I choose YOU!" Instantly a grotesquely swollen Ghoul appeared, bloated arms swinging about, the head a gaping maw as it roared out a challenge. Yukio stared up at the hideous abomination, frozen.

"Yukio uses 'poop pants'! The attack was ineffective."

"Shut up I did NOT!" Yukio barked, then blinked. "Wait…_RIN_?"

Rin leapt past his brother, beating the monster back with his flashing sword and engulfing it in blue flames.

"I _knew_ you were an enemy!" He snarled, pointing at Nehaus. "Now you're gonna PAY!" He reached behind him and pulled out…CURLERS.

Professor Nehaus calmly tossed a can of Holy Water into Rin's face.

"_NWAAAAUUUUGH__MY__EYES_!" Rin stumbled back, clawing at his face in agony. "That Holy Water hurts like holy _hell_!"

"It's not Holy Water. It's my urine."

"WHY DOES EVERYONE _DO_ THAT?" Rin wailed aloud. Nehaus shrugged.

"Because it's a running gag?" He paused. "Come to think of it, so are you. Naberius! Use 'tackle'!"

The huge Ghoul bowled Rin over, knocking him to the ground with a roar. It snatched him up in one of its meaty hands and shook him. Rin gaped at the monster.

"Oh God please don't eat me! I won't make you feel any better about yourself!"

The Ghoul paused and quietly began to cry, shoulders shaking.

"…Okay I take it back, you're just husky."

The Ghoul suddenly disappeared, dissolving away into nothing in an instant. Rin fell to the ground with a squawk and glanced around, confused.

"The hell, Naberius? I didn't even dismiss you!" Nehaus whirled to find Yukio standing at his Demonic circle, holding a piece of chalk.

"…Look, I drew a smiley face."

"_Oooh_! Let ME drawing something!" Rin begged, rushing forward. Yukio shoved him back, scowling.

"No! You'll just draw a dick or something stupid!"

"Well what a coincidence, I was gonna draw YOU-"

"_You__son__of__a_-!"

The two began scuffling, slapping at each other and pulling hair.

"_AHEM_." Nehaus loudly cleared his throat, waiting. The brothers blinked, saw him, and stepped away from one another.

"Oh yeah right."

"Sorry, we forgot."

Having gotten their attention once again, Nehaus lifted his bloody arm, intent on summoning more Demons for his disposal.

"No, don't!" Yukio cried in warning. "You'll damage your body if you summon any more! Do you want to die from blood loss?" Nehaus glared at him.

"I am NOT going to- oh shit hold on. My head is spinning." He stepped back, wobbling a little. "I think I need to sit down for a minute…"

"Quick! Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye-"

"Rin, knock it off!"

"Who _are_ you, anyway?" Rin demanded. "Why do you want to kill me?"

"Because," Nehaus ground out, "I'm a survivor of the Blue Night."

"…The Blue come again?" Rin asked, face scrunched in confusion.

"The Blue Night!" Konekomaru corrected, popping out of a nearby vent. "The Blue Night took place 16 years ago, when Satan possessed and killed a bunch of clergymen in the same night."

"Wow, thanks, Konekomaru!" Rin gushed, beaming at his friend.

"You're welcome!" Konekomaru smiled back.

"Now get the fuck out of here, you're not in this scene!" Rin pushed him off the roof.

"…On the Blue Night, for a moment, Satan possessed my body," Professor Nehaus continued. He gestured to his eye-patch. "I lost my eye…and my virginity."

"_Eww_." Yukio winced.

"He also made me kill my own family and jump rope with their intestines, but it's the virginity thing that really got me. I…will NEVER forgive Satan…" he glared at Rin. "Nor his children!" So saying, he attacked, summoning a large spike from his arm and impaling Rin in the abdomen. Rin grit his teeth and stood his ground, allowing the man to injure him. "What? Why…why did you let me…?"

"…Are you…satisfied now?" Rin spat, blood dribbling from his mouth.

"…No, not really." Nehaus admitted after a moment.

"…Are you sure?" Rin raised an eyebrow. "Because this REALLY fucking hurts. On a level of one to ten, I'd rank it EXCRUTIATING."

"I'd dunno, I'd still like to get a couple more hits in-"

"Listen, I don't care, you can come at me whenever you want, just…don't drag innocent people into this!" Rin broke off, tears glistening in his eyes. "Except Yukio. He kinda deserves it."

_BLAM_!

"What? You DO!"

"Alright, I've had my fill of stupid for the evening," Professor Nehaus sighed and shook his head, retreating toward the exit, holding his bloody arm close. He stopped beside Rin and glowered. "There are others like me. Be prepared." Then he glanced at Yukio. "I could have been everything to you."

Yukio cocked his gun.

"_Your_ loss." Nehaus held his head high and stalked away. Rin watched him go.

"…You really should have given him a chance."

"Shut…the hell up, Rin."

Rin pulled up his shirt, eyes widening at the sight of his wound closing with astonishing speed, hissing and steaming.

"_Coool_! Look, it's closing already!" He grinned. "Let's make another one!"

"Let's NOT." Yukio grabbed his brother's hand and stopped him just in time. "Or rather, let ME do it-"

"Rin! Yukio!" A panicked voice called out. The twins turned to find Shiemi hurrying towards them, gasping for breath. "Are you guys okay? Oh my gosh, Rin, what happened to you?" Shiemi gaped in horror, staring at the large bloodstain on his shirt.

"What?" Rin looked down. "Oh, this? It's uh…ketchup! I spilled my fries-"

"That's from a Ghoul!" Shiemi cried. "We need to treat that right away! Rin! Sit down, right now! Yukio, take your pants off!"

"Wait why-"

"JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT!"

The twins slowly obeyed, Rin laying down on his back before Shiemi, Yukio hesitantly removing his belt and dropping his pants.

"Okay, Rin," Shiemi said gently. "Don't move while I treat you. Yukio, shake it. I SAID SHAKE THAT ASS!" As Yukio began gyrating, Shiemi used Ni-chan and placed aloe on Rin's wound, bending over him. "Rin…I've decided…I'm gonna become an Exorcist!" She whispered fiercely, tears falling from her eyes.

"Aw, Shiemi," Rin answered, "that's great, I'm so glad fo- TEARS IN MY ORGANS! _GWAAGH_!" He shoved Shiemi away, who fell into Yukio's legs and knocked him down as well. "It _buuuuurns_!"

-The Next Day-

"CONGRATULATIONS!" Mephisto cried, shaking a set of pom-poms in the air. "You all passed the Exwire exam!"

Everyone cheered. They were all gathered together in a classroom to hear the good news.

"And, to celebrate…" Mephisto continued.

"Strip joint, strip joint-" Shima whispered to himself, crossing his fingers.

"We'll have…_pancakes_!"

"_YES_!" Rin crowed as everyone else groaned in disappointment. "I KNEW lugging around this maple syrup would come in handy one day!" He reached behind himself and pulled out a large bottle of the sugary syrup. "And you all _laughed_ at me. Well guess what? I'm NOT sharing."

The students now sat around the grill, eagerly waiting for their pancakes to cook. Mephisto, dressed in a light blue kimono and cooling himself with a small fan, sat off to the side, Yukio standing to his right.

"Sorry about the whole Nehaus trying to kill you guys thing," Mephisto murmured. "Don't worry. He has been severely punished." He paused for emphasis. "We broke _all_ his pieces of chalk."

"Gee, _that__'__s_ harsh," Yukio drawled, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, indeed, but such actions could _not_ go unpunished-"

"Hey, Yukio! I'm eating your share!" Rin called from beside the grill.

"Not if I shoot you first!" Yukio cried, whipping around and drawing his gun. Mephisto waited a few moments before casually pulling out his cell-phone and dialing a number.

"It's me," he said quietly once the other line picked up. "Come to True Cross Academy." He paused. "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."

"Hey, homo! I'm eating your share, too!"

"Not if I make out with your first!" Mephisto hung up, stood, and dashed over.

-Elsewhere-

On the other end of the line, Amaimon stared down at his phone, frowning.

"Father and brother are so obsessed with Rin Okamura," he muttered irritably, flipping his phone closed. "I wonder how strong he is…" He stood silent for a moment, mulling over this, then picked a t-shirt from the nearby rack and turned to a sales associate. "Excuse me, ma'am? Do you have this in a large?"

"This is Hot Topic," the woman answered bluntly. "Of COURSE we do."

"Wonderful." Amaimon rubbed his hands together menacingly. "With this, my wardrobe is nearly _complete_-"

"OhmiGod look there he is! Get him, girls!"

"Oh fuck." Amaimon turned and ran.

-Episode 9 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Woo-hoo! All done! Hope you liked it. Review, please!


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: Whoo-hoo! Double digits, baby! I'm getting there! …Eventually! Also, WHOO-HOO! I've gotten over 100 reviews already! Thanks so much for your support! You guys rock! Anyway, read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 10

Black Cat

It was a hot, lazy summer day at True Cross Academy, the heat hissing off the asphalt and creating a shimmer in the air. Rin oozed his way back to the dorm, groaning at the sweltering heat and dragging his feet across the long arched bridge that spanned the city's backbone. He rummaged in the small plastic bag on his arm and pulled out a popsicle.

"So…damn…_HOT_!" He moaned, unwrapping the frozen treat. He slowly brought the popsicle up toward his waiting open mouth…and then began rubbing it all over his face, chest, and armpits. "_Aaaah_. _That__'__s_ better. …Wait a sec." He paused, glanced around to make sure no-one was watching, then dropped the rest of the popsicle down his shorts. "Oh, _yeaaaah_ that's good."

A little girl standing on the side of the bridge giggled and pointed at Rin's drenched crotch.

"You have blue pee-pee!"

"Get to walking unless you want RED pee-pee!" Rin snarled back.

"_Mooommeeeee_!" The girl turned and ran off, squealing. Rin blinked.

"…Guess she doesn't want this red popsicle." He shrugged and took a bite. "Ah well. More for me!" He continued on his way across the bridge. "So…damn…ho- oh God brain-freeze! _Gaah_! Oh no wait that's how my brain normally feels-"

-Elsewhere…-

Down below the large bridge, traffic was sluggish, the whole city peaceful and quiet in the summer warmth. That, or everyone had succumbed to heatstroke. But anyway! At a nearby gatehouse, a small black cat with two tails stood guard on the wall, rigidly at attention, staring out into space. A young male guard trotted past, tipping his hat to the frozen feline.

"Hey, Kuro!" He called, winking. The cat didn't move, continuing to stare straight ahead. The man paused, frowning. "…Kuro?" Again there was no response. The man took a deep breath. "WOOF WOOF WOOF!" Still it didn't move. "…Holy shit you didn't _die_, did you, Kuro?" The guard cautiously approached, reaching out a hand to-

*_PSHHHT_!*

"AAUUUUGH MY EYES YOU _SPRAYED_ IN MY FUCKING _EYES_- nope, he's fine!" The young guard turned and skipped back toward the gatehouse, where he chatted with another guard whilst vigorously washing his burning face.

"Kuro still hasn't moved, huh?" The older, plumper guard asked, glancing out the door at the unmoving cat.

"Nope." The young guard sighed and straightened. "**I****wonder****what****he****'****d****do****if****he****knew****his****master****was****DEAD**."

"_Shhh_! What if it _hears_ you?" The large guard hissed. "It might go berserk!"

"**Oh****yeah****right**." The young guard lowered his megaphone. "Sorry about that."

"But anyway, man, _details_! Tell me how he died with excruciating pain-"

"_MREOOOOOW_!"

"**OH****SHIT****IT****HEARD****US**!"

"STOP USING THE FUCKING MEGAPHONE!"

-Back at the True Cross Academy Dorm…-

Yukio sat in the dorm-room, hunched over his desk and scribbling intently into a thin journal. He read aloud his report as a fan rotated loudly behind him.

"Sunday, 10 AM," he whispered, writing quickly. "…I'm convinced they're getting bigger."

"Hey, I'm home!" Yukio jumped, hurriedly shoving the journal into his desk as Rin entered the small room, bag in hand.

"You're…back early," Yukio commented, glancing back at Rin. "I wasn't done logging in the advancement of- I mean…journaling." He cleared his throat nervously. "Did you remember my mineral water?"

Rin whipped his head back, hair wet and glistening. He ran a hand through the sodden locks, then frowned in confusion.

"…Your what?"

"Did you forget it?"

"N-No! I didn't!" Rin snatched up his bag and began frantically searching through it. "Here, you can have my other pop-" He froze, then slowly looked down at his soggy pants. "Uh…nevermind."

"…I was meaning to ask about that. Why do you have red urine?" Yukio narrowed his eyes. "…Have you been chugging Gatorade again?"

"Actually, no, I have a urinary tract infection-"

"Rin, just…just sit down and study." Yukio shook his head and turned away, all hope for humanity fading. As if he'd had any left after all these years.

"_Euuugh_! I can't, I'm too _sweaty_!" Rin groaned and flopped down in his chair.

"Just read your books."

"I can't, I sweated on them."

"Then write your essay."

"I sweated on it."

"Enough! Go use my deodorant."

"I sweated all over that, too." Rin paused. "Plus I already used it on my _downstairs_. Didn't do jack-shit. My balls are STILL sweaty as the pits of hell."

"Okay, _that__'__s_ going in the trash," Yukio muttered, rubbing his eyes.

"The deodorant?"

"No. YOU." He swiveled in his chair and leveled his gun at his twin.

"What's the point of studying anyway?" Rin exploded. "It's Sunday! It's sacrilegious! We should be praying to _Jesus_!"

"Oh please." Yukio rolled his eyes. "You just want to goof off."

"Yes," Rin answered bluntly. "With _Jesus_."

"Rin, grow up and start acting like an Exwire!"

"Exwires are just the _underlings_!" Rin snapped, whipping out his chart and pointing _waaay_ down at the bottom. "Look at us! It's like we're everyone else's BITCH!"

"Rin, that is NOT true." Yukio argued patiently, then kicked up his heels and stuck them in Rin's face. "Now rub my nasty feet."

"Yes, sir. I mean…NO!" Rin glared and pushed them away. "Dammit! I gotta hurry and get some experience so I can level up to something else!"

"Rin, this is _not_ an RPG."

"Then what am I stocking all these potions for?" Rin pointed at his bedside shelf, which was brimming with dozens of stacked cans.

"Those are not potions," Yukio explained slowly. "Those are Red Bulls. Which is probably the reason why you have fluorescent urine and incurable insomnia."

"I can't go to sleep," Rin whispered, staring at his brother, eyes wide and hollow. "_Or__the__others__will__GET__ME_."

"Oh how I wish they _would_-" Yukio muttered under his breath.

"I can't wait until I'm a Paladin!" Rin pointed at the top-most rank on the chart. "Then everyone else will be _my_ bitch!" He chuckled darkly, rubbing his hands together with evil glee. "Ohhhh, just you _wait_, Bonnie!"

Elsewhere at the moment, Suguro stopped in his tracks and shuddered uncontrollably.

"…The hell was that?" He muttered to himself.

"Rin. Face it." Yukio snapped Rin back to the present. "The rank of Paladin is a rare title that only one Exorcist can obtain. It's a _little_ out of your league. Actually, scratch that. A LOT. You don't obey orders, you act on your own, and you rely way too much on Satan's power. To put it as delicately as possible, you have a better chance of being diagnosed with mental retardation."

"…So my chances are pretty good, huh?"

"Let's make those chances even _better_," Yukio growled, removing his gun.

"What are you all acting like _dad_ for?" Rin suddenly yelled, glaring at Yukio. "All you have to do is hit me, bang a hooker, crap your pants and you're good!"

"You're such a child! I am NOT acting like dad!" Yukio snapped back. "Now go wash your hands. I know you got shit on 'em."

"Okay, _that__'__s_ it." Rin shot out of his chair and flung himself at Yukio, rubbing his hands all over his brother's face. At the same time, Yukio snatched up a bottle of Febreeze and began desperately spraying him. The two tussled on the floor, rolling about and yelling-

_CRUNCH_.

"Oh crap." Rin stared down at Yukio's glasses, crushed beneath his knee. "…In my defense, they brought attention to your moles." He paused. "But then again, so did your enormous moles."

*_Bling_!*

They both froze.

"…If it's another penis I swear to _God_ I'll shoot off yours." Yukio hissed as he slowly reached for his phone. Rin folded his hands and began praying vigorously.

"Hey Jesus. You know you're my homeboy, right? Okay. Just wanted to make sure." He paused. "We still on for the movies next Saturday?"

"I have a mission to go to," Yukio stated, lowering the phone and standing up. "You stay here. Dinner is in the oven. Make sure to stick your head in and breath _real__deep_ when you warm it up."

"…Is this like the time you told me to stand with my weiner real close to the microwave?" Rin asked suspiciously. Yukio blinked.

"No. This is totally different." He paused. "This is a short-term solution to a long-time problem." He turned, opened his desk drawer, and whipped out a pair of new glasses. He slid them onto his face as he turned for the door.

"Yukio those are pink-"

"I know they make my eyes pop shut up!"

-Later…-

Yukio jogged down the road toward the gatehouse, a small mysterious case clutched to his side. He could hear load roars and crashes coming from the bridge, and he quickened his pace. Finally he reached a blockade, where a low-ranking Exorcist stood guard.

"I'm Yukio Okumura, Exorcist First Middle Class." Yukio told the man, panting.

"Okay, come on in." The guard nodded, lifting the police tape and letting him through. Rin suddenly slid into view behind his brother.

"I'm Rin Okumura. I have absolutely no right to be here." He stated.

"Okay, come on in- WAIT."

Rin was already skipping through, following close behind Yukio.

"Rin? I told you not to come!" He sputtered angrily. "Get out of here! Go home!"

"Come on, let me stay!" Rin begged. "I could get lost out there, get mugged, hit by a car, molested-"

"Please stop getting my hopes up," Yukio growled, then sighed, giving in. "Okay _fine_ let's go." He dragged Rin along as another Exorcist drew close and began explaining the situation.

"Kuro, the gatekeeper, has gone berserk." He pointed out onto the bridge, where Kuro, now a huge and ferocious version of its normal two-tailed black-cat self, was wreaking havoc amongst the cars, roaring all the while.

"Holy shit is that thing in _heat_ or what?" Rin asked aloud, gawking at the cat.

"It's a BOY cat, Rin!"

"…Oh." Rin blinked. "So should we neuter him or what?" He raised his sword, along with an eyebrow. "Just give me the go-ahead."

"Put that thing away!" The brothers scuttled to the side of the bridge, where the two guards from earlier sat hunched together, nursing their wounds. The younger one sniffled and spoke up.

"**Kuro****…****for****some****reason,****he****suddenly****got****huge****and****attacked****us.****We-****"**

"Why are you using a megaphone?" Yukio interrupted, frowning.

"Why ISN'T he?" Rin corrected. "I gotta get me one of those."

"Not on your life."

"It's our fault," the larger guard explained. "We accidentally let it slip that Reverend Fujimoto is dead and-"

"Wait, _WHAT_?" The others turned to find Rin gaping at them, eyes wide with shock and horror. "Dad…is _DEAD_?" Immediately he seized a nearby trashcan, raised it over his head, and threw it several feet away where it hit the ground with a tremendous crash, then ran about, roaring and sobbing uncontrollably. He began searching for more trashcans to throw, shoving people out of his way and wailing all the while. The other Exorcists backed off in confusion while Yukio attempted to talk some sense into his idiotic brother.

"Rin! Stop it! You already KNEW that!"

"Huh?" Rin paused, blinking, another trashcan poised above his head. "Oh. Yeah. Right." He blinked one last time, then hurled the can anyway.

CRASH!

"ENOUGH!"

"So." Rin sniffled, wiping his nose on a sleeve. "What does that cat have to do with dad kicking the bucket?"

"That is a Cat Sith," Yukio explained, pointing at the raging feline. "It was father's familiar."

"…That's a Cat Sith?" Rin asked, raising a brow at the huge cat.

"Yes, it-"

"Where's his megaphone?"

"…WHAT?"

"Sorry. Only AWESOME people will get that reference." Rin turned and winked at the camera. Yukio rolled his eyes and cleared his throat.

"I suppose I should educate you. Cat Siths are-"

Rin instantly held up a trashcan, waiting.

"Alright nevermind let's just go kill it."

"Yaaay!" Rin threw the can to the side (_CRASH_!) and clapped his hands with glee.

Out on the bridge, a small group of Exorcists were battling the enraged feline. As it yowled and thrashed about, they drew small pistols and fired tranquilizer darts into the creature. It simply hissed and shook the darts free, unaffected.

"Oh, no! Do you think the tranques aren't working?" One Exorcist asked in panic. Holding out an arm, he aimed and shot himself, then immediately collapsed like a sack of rocks.

"…Nope, they're working!" Another Exorcist cried. "Keep firing!"

"_Lies_!"

Rin gasped aloud, whirling about and watching the destructive scene play out on the bridge. He had heard a voice in his head…where had it come from? Was it…_Jesus_?

"_Lies_!" The furious voice repeated. Rin blinked. Now it was obvious that the voice was coming from the Cat Sith, Kuro. "_You__'__re__all__LIARS_!" The voice paused for a moment. _"…__Except__you.__You__'__re__alright.__BUT__THE__REST__OF__YOU__ARE__LIARS_!"

Suddenly the huge cat rushed forward, baring his teeth and snarling. The Exorcists raised their weapons and readied themselves.

"Shoot!" Came the order.

"…I…I can't!" One Exorcist cried aloud, struggling. "It's just too CUTE!"

Kuro smashed the line of Exorcists aside with a sweep of his tail, snatched one up, and proceeded to devour him like a raw, screaming fish.

"_Awww_, lookit him!" The same Exorcist cooed. "He's playing with his food!"

"SAVE me, you ass!"

"_D__'__awww_, now it's cleaning its teeth with his spine! Ohh, I WISH I had my camera!"

"What's the status?" Yukio barked, approached the back line of Exorcists. A woman with her hair pulled back in a bun turned and nodded in greeting.

"We've tried everything, sir!" She explained breathlessly. "Holy water, holy silver, holy medicine! _Nothing_ works!"

"Okay, someone find a HUGE ball of yarn-"

"Rin, that's enough!" Yukio turned and smacked his brother.

"I dunno, sir, it just might-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Can't you think of anything, Yukio?" The woman went on. "You were there the day your father tamed this Cat Sith!"

"Oh, boy!" Rin cried with delight, flinging his arms in the air. "Story-time!"

"…Uh, no, I wasn't really going to-" the woman began.

Suddenly Rin had a trashcan again.

"Alright! Here we go!" The woman cleared her throat and began. "You see, several years ago, strange things had been happening at a certain construction site. There were things falling, trucks being pushed over, construction workers singing YMCA, crazy shit like that. So supernatural specialists were called in, like the Ghostbusters, and Buffy. Nothing helped. Finally, Reverend Fujimoto was called in." She gazed off into the distance. "I remember that day…he calmly approached the cause of the problem, a rampaging Cat Sith. Fujimoto was a Paladin, and-"

"_What_? Wait a second!" Rin suddenly interrupted, his expression shocked. The others stared at him, waiting. **"…****WHYYYY,****EM,****CEE,****AY**!"

"Who the hell gave you that megaphone?"

"**Come****on,****Yukio!****Sing****along****with****me!****You****know****the****words**!" Rin winked at his brother. "**I****stole****it****when****that****guard****wasn****'****t****looking.**" He paused. "**Okay,****not****really.****I****punched****him****and****took****it-**"

"And you are giving it BACK!" Yukio growled, wrestling the megaphone from his brother's clutches. "Were you even listening? Dad was a Paladin and tamed Kuro, who became his familiar! Now that dad's _dead_, it's going berserk!"

"…Sure we just don't need to clean its litter-box?"

"KNOCK IT OFF, RIN!"

"IT'S A FUCKING _CAT_, YUKIO!"

"Dad foresaw this happening and so prepared _this_," Yukio explained, holding up the small case he'd been carrying. He withdrew a metal canteen, unknown liquid sloshing inside.

"What's in there?" Rin asked, curious. "Gatorade?"

"No!" Yukio snatched it away. "It's probably medicine that'll KILL-" He suddenly broke off, looking thoughtful. "I mean…yes. It's Gatorade. Here. Drink it. Drink it all. CHUG IT. I'll even time you." He pulled out a stopwatch and hit the button. "Best time GO!"

"Uh…sir-"

"Don't ruin this for me, jackass!" Yukio whipped out his pistol and pressed it into the man's eye-socket.

"_You__'__re__all__liars_!" Kuro continued to yowl. "_Shiro__is__the__greatest!__He__'__s__NOT__dead!__He__'__s__coming__home,__and__…__and__…__HAAAAWK_-" Suddenly he shuddered and hacked up a sodden hairball, blinking several times. "_Phew.__Um__…__where__was__I_?"

"Yukio!" Rin turned from staring at the cat and began begging. "Please! We don't have to put it down, just let me go talk to it! I think I can stop it!"

"What? Are you _crazy_?" Yukio shook his head firmly. "Rin, there's no way I can let you go over there-"

"Come on, let me try!" Rin pressed. "Maybe I can calm it down! That or it'll use me as its personal scratching post."

"Okay GO." Yukio immediately shoved his brother toward the cat. "You talked me into it! And remember…use your HEAD!"

"Aye, aye!" Rin saluted his brother, then turned and began walking toward the hissing Cat Sith. Kuro watched the approaching boy warily, tails swishing with unspoken threats. Finally Rin stopped, standing several feet away. He took a deep breath and called out. "**Hey,****pretty****kitty!****What****'****s****got****your****panties****in****a****twist**?"

"Oh dear God how did he get the megaphone again?" Yukio cried.

"**I****'****m****Shiro****'****s****son**!" Rin continued. Kuro pawsed. OMIGOD THAT'S A GOOD ONE HNNNNNNGH- okay sorry. Couldn't resist.

"…_You_?" Kuro asked hesitantly, ears folding back. "_You__'__re__…__Shiro__'__s__…_?"

"**He****'****s****dead!**" Rin went on.** "****D-E-D,****dead!****He****died,****pooped****his****pants****and****everything!****Get****it****yet?****No**?" Rin rifled in his pockets and pulled out a dictionary. Quickly flipping through it, he stopped on a page and began reading aloud. "**Dead.****Adjective.****Meaning**** '****no****longer****alive****'****,**** '****inanimate****'****,****or**** '****lacking****any****signs****of****life****'****.****Synonyms****are**** '****deceased****'****,**** '****departed****'****,****or**** '****lifeless**'-"

"_No!__I__don__'__t__believe__you_!" Kuro hissed, fur standing up on his spine.

"**Really?****Cuz****I****think****I****have****a****picture****of****his****corpse****on****my****phone**…" Rin pulled out his phone and began punching buttons.

"_STOP__IIIIT_!" Kuro charged him, yowling in fury. Rin clenched his fists, planted his feet, and stood his ground. As the huge cat loomed over him, he swung his head forward and head-butted it to the ground. Kuro fell in a heap, mewling in pain.

"Oh my GOD! Rin, are you okay?" Yukio cried, running up.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!" Rin turned, grinning back at Yukio. Suddenly he blinked and stared at his brother in confusion. A thin line of blood dribbled from one nostril. "…Who are you again?"

"…Thank you, Jesus." Yukio gazed heavenward.

"Just kidding. I know it's you, four-eyes."

"Godammit."

"You really loved the older geezer, huh?" Rin asked Kuro in a soft voice. Kuro stared up at him, big eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Well you shouldn't. He was an ASSHOLE. He hit me, called me names, and made me do chores. He made my life hell!" He stopped for a long moment, blinking hard. His lower lip quivered dangerously and his face started to crumple. Finally he lifted his megaphone once again and just let it all out. "**DAAAAA-AAAAA-DEEEE**!" He broke off into heaving sobs, his shoulders shaking with emotion. Down at his feet, Kuro, once again cat-sized, whimpered and joined in, wailing along. Rin reached down and picked up the small cat, cradling it in his arms and using it to wipe away his tears. "Why, daddy, WHY? I miss you SO much! _HRONK_-"

"_HISSSS_!"

"_AUUUGH_!"

Watching unbeknownst from the confines of a nearby building, Mephisto leaned back in his upholstered chair and looked over at his brother, Amaimon.

"So…what do you think?"

"Hmmm…" Amaimon was using his fingers to make himself a pair of binoculars, through which he was studying Rin closely. "Interesting. I can't seem to judge him."

"Oh, _please_." Mephisto snorted. "For one, his hair needs a trim, that shirt is SO last season, and is that a urinary tract infection on his shorts?" He shook his head in despair and glanced at his brother again. "…By the way, can you really see things magnified with that?"

"Oh, hell no," Amaimon answered with a shrug. "Of course not. Don't be silly." He paused. "I see through _clothing_ with this." He paused again. "Why is the one with glasses wearing tights?"

"…He has good fashion sense." Mephisto cleared his throat. "So! Do you want to make Rin go all out?" He grinned evilly.

"Yes." Amaimon nodded and turned to Mephisto, fingers still circling his eyes. "I think that- is that a _bra_ under there?"

"Put those things away!" Mephisto slapped Amaimon's hands down and huffed. "Answer me! You really think you're up for it?"

"Definitely." Amaimon nodded again. "I'll do that after I study more about Japan." He rifled in his pockets and pulled out several yaoi books.

"Oh dear God no."

"Hey, guys," Professor Nehaus said brightly, popping his head in through the door. "I just wanted to make sure the evil meeting is still on for tonight, I have popcorn and-" He suddenly broke off as he caught sight of the yaoi books. After a long silent moment, he slowly withdrew his head and closed the door with a quiet *_click_*.

"…Dammit we lost another one."

-Later That Day…-

A brilliant sunset was busy dying the city orange as Rin and Yukio sat down for a rest, reclining on a set of stone steps leading down to a peaceful canal. Kuro was cuddled up next to Rin, purring loudly and rubbing himself against the boy's trouser leg.

"He sure is attached to you," Yukio commented over the loud thrumming.

"Actually, no, he's just trying to give me back my snot." Rin looked down at the black cat. "It's working." He smiled gently and quieted for a moment. Yukio couldn't help but relish this rare moment of companionable silence with his brother. Suddenly Rin sighed and pulled out a lint roller, using it vigorously on his pants to clean them. "Friggin' cat…getting hair everywhere…"

"Hey, get my back, too." Yukio asked, turning around. Rin obliged, then noticed the small, unopened canister beside Yukio.

"I guess we didn't have to use it after all, huh?" He reached forward and picked it up. "Let's see what's inside!" He began unscrewing the cap.

"Rin, wait, I don't think that's-"

Rin had already opened the can and swigged back a mouthful. Immediately he choked violently and spewed it out over the steps.

"_EUUUUCH_! This tastes like CAT-PISS!"

"That's because it IS cat-piss, Rin." Yukio grabbed the container back and sniffed the contents. "Yup. _Definitely_ cat-piss."

"_WHAT_?" Rin sat there, appalled and confused. "Why would dad _BOTTLE_ cat pee-"

*_PSSSHT_!*

"STOP _SPRAYING_!" Rin screeched, snatching up Kuro and shaking him. "Do NOT make me get you fixed! I'll do it _myself_ if I have to!"

Rin went down to the canal to wash his eyes while Yukio filled a small pan with milk for Kuro. As the cat purred and lapped up its treat, Rin watched with a peaceful expression and sighed.

"**Somehow****…****the****old****geezer****really****was****ama**-"

"RIN GIMME THE MEGAPHONE."

"**What?****No!****You****can****'****t**-"

"GIVE IT TO ME!"

"**No!****Stop****it**!"

"NOW!"

-**Episode****10****End**!-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Yaaaaaay done. I'm taking a couple weeks off for the holidays. Time to go eat some Christmas cookies. Enjoy the holidays! See ya later!


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: Whew, finally, I'm back! That was quite a long vacation. Been super busy, but I managed to scrape together another episode for you all! Beside it being a God-awful filler, I still had a lot of fun with it. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 11

Demon of the Depths

On the waves of a raging ocean, a lone ship braved the heaving swells, pitching about wildly. As the tiny craft struggled to stay upright, an enormous creature emerged from the deeps, eyes gleaming with dark malice. The grizzled captain of the vessel glared at the looming monster and grit his teeth in defiance.

"There you are!" He hissed out. "Today…today is the day I'll defeat you…the mighty…_FILLER_! _Yaaaar_!" He roared out a challenge into the howling winds and spun the wheel, plowing toward the towering creature, ready to-

_SMASH_!

One huge arm of the monster slammed down and effortlessly smashed the boat to kindling. No, wait, kindling has to be dry, maybe match-sticks? No, that wouldn't work either, then they wouldn't light- OKAY YOU GET IT IT _DESTROYED_ THE DAMN THING.

"…Okay…maybe…_tomorrow_, I'll defeat you!" The man corrected, standing on a splintered plank bobbing on the waves. As it too sank into the ocean with the rest of the shattered vessel, the man turned and began slowly doggy-paddling back to shore. "Yes…yes, _tomorrow_, definitely, I'll- _aw SHIT leg cramp_!" He began thrashing about, choking on sea water. "…Okay how many minutes did we buy there, you guys? One? Two? Okay, counting the opening, that's like, FIVE minutes! Just eighteen more to go! We can DO this!"

-Several Months Later…-

It was a sunny day in a quant seaside community, the gulls shrieking in the sky and the residents soaking up the sun on the beach. A bus pulled away from the sidewalk, leaving three young students gazing out at the sparkling ocean in awe. Just our luck, it's Rin, Shima, and Izumo. Stop reading while you still have a chance to save what little brain-cells you possess. No? Well alright then. Prepare for stupid.

"The ocean!" Rin squealed at the sight of the shimmering expanse of sea.

"Titties!" Shima cried at the sight of girls in bikinis.

"The beach!" Rin went on.

"Breasts!" Shima continued.

"Ice cream!"

"_NIPPLES_!"

"I swear to God I am dumping sand in _both_ of your shorts," Izumo ground out, smothered between the two and scowling darkly. She quickly dragged the two idiots down to the beach below, where she left them to man a fried-squid booth. Together, they attempted to draw customers to the sea-food delicacy. They were about as successful as Yukio's attempt to teach Rin to read. Shima stood next to Rin behind the grill, glaring down at the sizzling squids.

"…I am 75% sure this _isn't_ having sex," he stated matter-of-factly.

"Aww, I'm sorry." Rin patted his back. "If I make out with you, will you feel any better?"

"Er, no thanks." Shima shook his head. "You're not my type. And by 'type', I mean you have a penis."

"You're so PICKY!" Rin huffed, turning away. Suddenly Kuro leapt up onto his shoulder, eyes wide and begging, tails swishing.

_Can I have some, Rin?_ He asked, purring sweetly and batting at the grill.

"No, Kuro!" Rin snapped, pulling the squid away. "It's for the _customer_!" He paused for a moment, considering. "On second thought, FUCK the customer. _OM NOM NOM_-"

_No fair! Save some for me!_

"Oh, is this your familiar, the Cat Sith?" Shima asked curiously, reaching forward and gently petting the small black cat. "Hmm, you think maybe if I get a cute pet, I'll attract more girls?"

"I think your deep V is what's driving them away," Rin pointed out. "Seriously, your shirt is one CENTIMETER off from being downright gay."

"Wow, sounds _just_ like your personality!"

"I _KNOW_!" The two went silent for a couple minutes before the stupidity continued.

"Man…we need a cute sales girl to help us sell this stuff!" Shima complained, gesturing at the now charred and smoking squid. Rin stopped spraying them with an extinguisher and put it down.

"…Alright, you talked me into it!" He suddenly pulled out a tube of lipstick, messily applied it, then began pulling on a skirt. Shima watched him blankly.

"I mean one without a penis."

"…Oh."

"Hey, guys." Izumo walked up, wearing a sweatshirt over her swimsuit and holding an inner-tube under one arm. Shima stared at her just as blankly.

"…I mean one without a penis."

"…That can be arranged." Izumo's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What the heck are you _wearing_?" Rin asked with mild disgust, eying the sweatshirt. Izumo snorted.

"You mean Rape-Shield 3000?" She asked wryly, glancing at Shima. "It keeps me from being eye-raped by a certain SOMEONE."

"No! NOOO!" Shima howled in dismay. "It's just not RIGHT! It hurts my EYES! And my SOUL."

"Later." Izumo rolled her eyes and turned away. "I'm going for a swim."

"_Ooooh_ yeah, say it SLOWER, baby-"

"HEY." Izumo glared daggers at Shima. "I meant what I said about the no-penis thing. Don't make me change the menu to HOT-DOGS." Shima squealed in fear and cupped his crotch protectively while Rin frowned in confusion.

"Awww, but I LOVE hot-dogs!" He whined. Izumo stared at him in silence.

"…I am sure that someone, somewhere, has JUST written a fanfic," she stated. "…Probably Paku." She turned and left the two boys to their idiocy, but they were quickly joined by Mr. Tsubaki, the odd, whiskered teacher from previous episodes.

"Thanks so much for the hard work, boys!" He said, winking cheekily. "I'm so glad you were able to help! Now, I have another job for you. I want you guys to-"

"…_Poliiiice_?" Rin called out, looking around in the crowd. "There's a strange man here who fits the _exact_ description of a pedophile! _Heeeelp_!"

"Oh shit not this again!" Mr. Tsubaki immediately turned and dashed off.

"Works every time," Rin chuckled, cracking his knuckles with satisfaction. He stood quietly behind the grill for a long moment, waiting. "SOMEONE BUY SOMETHING OR I WILL _KILL_ MYSELF!"

There was a long, drawn-out silence.

"…I will," Shima finally offered. Rin sighed and handed him a blackened squid.

"That's not salt on there. It's my TEARS."

"_Mmmm_, it helps!" Shima smacked his lips with satisfaction. "Really gives the flavor a kick. You should cry on more."

Izumo, meanwhile, was floating out at sea on her inner-tube, basking in the warm sun and recharging her bitch batteries- I mean…detoxing from the stupid.

"Hmm…this is nice…" She sighed deeply, relaxing. A dark shape suddenly swam close, sharp teeth gleaming in the- "SHARK FIN SOUP BITCH."

The shape froze in sheer terror, then quickly swam the fuck away.

"Still got it!" Izumo smirked, rolling her shoulders and happily turning her face to the sun. As she began to doze lightly, a sharp pain suddenly shot up her leg, and she gasped aloud. "OW! OW! _CRAMPS_!"

"Huh?" A small, dark-haired boy who was swimming close by heard her shout and turned to look. "Oh, no! That poor girl! She's…PMS-ING! Don't worry! I'll save you!" He quickly swam over and attempted to aid Izumo…by grabbing her boob. He froze, eyes wide in shock. "…I think I JUST started puberty right this second."

"…_GET THE FUCK OFFA ME_!" Izumo shrieked, swatting at the boy's face.

"Yup, it's _definitely_ PMS."

"_I will DROWN you like a KITTEN_!"

"What the hell? Don't fight me!" The boy snapped, suddenly head-butting her. Izumo flopped backwards on the inner-tube, unconscious. The boy gulped. "Oh dear God I think I killed her."

"W…will feed…your genitals…to…the fishes…" She mumbled weakly.

He quickly head-butted her again for good measure.

-Several Minutes Later…-

Izumo slowly cracked her eyes open, wincing at the glaring light. She was laying on the beach, still wet from the sea, and the boy-rapist from earlier was leaning forward to kiss- WAIT, WHAT?

"Oh God that's five to ten!" Izumo cried, sitting up fast and shoving him away. The boy tumbled back, squawking. "Statutory! STATUTORY!"

"Ow! What's wrong with you?" The boy got to his feet and glared at her. "I was just trying to give you tongue-to-mouth-"

"It's _mouth_-to-mouth!" Izumo corrected heatedly.

"…What's the fun in that?"

"…Okay, I remember now, it's fist-to-BALLS." Izumo climbed to her feet and began wringing out her hair. "Geez, kid! You grab my boob and assault me, then you drag me to shore and try to make out with me! I'm surprised I'm not _pregnant_ yet!"

"…I'll try harder," the boy answered, "and you're welcome."

"That is NOT a compliment!" Izumo let out an exasperated sigh. "God, you're like a mini-Shima!"

"…Thank…you?"

"Again, NOT a compliment." Izumo noticed the boy gazing at her dreamily and frowned. "…What?"

"You're…_cute_." The boy smiled at her.

"_What_?" Izumo sputtered and took a step back. "Will you piss off?"

"Ooh, I just _love_ the aggressive ones!"

"God. TOTALLY mini-Shima."

Speaking of the man-whore, he and Rin came skipping down the beach, holding hands and spinning in a circle while they sang aloud with glee.

"_Ding, dong! The Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding dong, the Wicked Witch is deaaaaaad!"_ The pair froze upon catching sight of Izumo, whose glare could have flayed the skin from their faces and removed their eyeballs.

"…It was Shima's idea to sing it," Rin burst out.

"What? No it wasn't!" Shima protested. "It was my idea to molest her corpse!"

"Oh yeah right." Rin blinked. "Somehow I think we're just digging our grave even deeper."

"Yeah," Shima sighed. "We're fucked."

"Indeed," Izumo hissed out. "And not in a GOOD way."

"Aww, too bad!" The boy complained. "Otherwise I'd totally be down with that."

"Okay, who the hell are you?' Rin asked, finally noticing the kid.

"I'm Yohei!" The boy declared. "I saved this girl, so _I_ get to do her!"

"_Hey_!"

"This is a filler episode," Rin explained patiently. "No-one gives a _shit_ about you." He snapped his fingers. "You are now named NPC Brat #1."

"Hey, you can't-" NPC Brat #1 began. "WAIT WHAT THE SHIT?"

"Calm down, shorty!" Shima scoffed, then gestured at Izumo. "Now come on, we have to throw her back in the ocean where she belongs-"

"Don't call me short!" Yohei snapped. "My dad said a man can be small if he's big down there!"

"…Dammit I knew I shoulda kept all that email spam!" Rin cried in outrage. "My poor tiny penis!" He glanced down at crotch despondently. "It's okay, little fellah. I still love you."

Shima glared down at his own crotch.

"…Stop…LEAKING."

"You know you really should get that checked out."

"Piss off, pencil-dick."

"Well this is officially the dumbest episode yet," Izumo stated off to the side.

"Emphasis on YET," Rin added.

A sudden commotion by the docks caught everyone's attention. Together, they all ran up the beach to the wharf to SEA- OMG PUNNNNSSS! *_Suddenly punches Rin in the face_.*

"Ow! What the hell did I do?"

This is your fault. You and your fucking puns. Just STOP IT.

The sea stretched out before the confounded crowd, the usually clear waters now dark and menacing. People murmured in fear, uneasy.

"What's going on?" Shima wondered aloud, frowning at the darkened waves. Rin whirled about and glared at the others in the crowd.

"Alright, who shit in the ocean?" He demanded. "Come on, fess up! Who, besides me, took a massive _shit_ in the ocean? Let's see those hands!"

"It's a Demon…" An old monk with a long, white beard muttered under his breath. Rin shot him a nasty look.

"Hey man it wasn't THAT bad."

"No, child," the monk corrected, waving a hand. "It is said, that when the sea turns black, a Demon the size of a hill will appear and destroy the village…"

"Okay, my poo wasn't THAT big-"

"I'm not talking about your SHIT, you frigging idiot!"

"Oh." Rin paused. "Because it was a pretty good shit-"

Izumo suddenly shoved Rin over the railing into the tepid waters below.

"EW GROSS POOP-WATER-"

After fishing Rin out of the ocean (_PUNSSS_) and giving him a thorough scrubbing, the three students followed the elderly Monk into the woods (DON'T DO THIS AT HOME, KIDS), where he showed them his PENIS- I mean, uh…an old, crumbling temple with ancient murals painted on the sides.

"This is an old legend…" the monk explained, gesturing at the mural. "Four hundred years ago, a priest drew this-"

"…And that?" Rin pointed to some graffiti scrawled on the wall beside it. "For a good time, call-"

"They were talking about YOUR MOTHER."

"YOU CANTANKEROUS OLD FART!" Rin roared. "You…are SO awesome!"

"I know." The monk shrugged, then continued. "About six months ago, the sea turned black from the ink of the giant squid. A man went out to face it…but he never returned…"

"…So he ran away?" Rin asked.

"No! Most likely, the man is dead." The monk heaved a heavy sigh. "That man…was Yohei's father."

"…So he ran away."

"Well, Christ, wouldn't you? Have you SEEN that kid?"

"Unfortunately."

As sunset drew the day to a close, the three students walked together down the main road of the small town, mulling over the mystery of the Demon. Yohei suddenly walked in view, knocking into Rin and stopping him short.

"Ow! Watch it!" Yohei snapped, glaring up at Rin.

"I'm sorry," Rin amended. "I thought you were a telephone pole. You have about the same amount of personality since you're A ONE DIMENSIONAL FILLER CHARACTER."

"You're an asshole!"

"Correction," Rin stated. "I am a _main character_ asshole. Get it right."

"Oh God my head…" Izumo moaned, clutching her aching temples. She had had more than her required dose of stupidity for one day and could feel a mind-numbing migraine coming on.

"…Does it still hurt?" Yohei asked, looking guilty. Izumo blinked at his concern.

"Well…of course!"

"…Was it good for you?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Just answer the question, Izumo!" Shima joined in. She turned and decked him.

"Was it good for you?" She snarled.

"…A little."

She decked him again.

"Can you guys help me?" Yohei asked. "I'm a little lost."

"And you're a local here?" Rin snorted. "That's just _pathetic_."

"I'm looking for YOUR MOTHER."

"Well she's _riiiiight_ up my ass."

"Wow, you really have no sense of direction," Izumo observed.

"My dad was even worse!" Yohei laughed aloud. "It's a wonder how he managed to knock up my mom!"

"I know what you mean!" Rin agreed heartily. "Sometimes when I pee I have trouble getting it ON the toilet, nevermind IN!"

"Dear LORD no wonder you always smell like urine." Izumo stared at him in disgust.

"My dad was great," Yohei went on. "He left about six months ago to go fight the giant squid, but-"

"Okay guys! How we doing on time?" Rin suddenly interrupted, shoving a hand into Yohei's face to silence him.

"We're at the 9:15 mark," Shima reported, consulting a stopwatch.

"Alright, we gotta fill in ten more minutes!" Rin clapped his hands together. "Come on, guys! Let's go!" They all scrambled away, leaving Yohei all on his lonesome.

"Uh…guys? This is…kinda a bad neighborhood. …Guys…?"

Rin, Shima, and Izumo returned to the local inn where Mr. Tsubaki welcomed them back.

"Thanks for your hard work today!" He said, waving them all in. "Go on, dinner is ready, dig in!"

The three sat at a long table where a feast had been prepared. Laid out were plates of raw squid, squid ramen, squid soup, more squid dishes, squid utensils, squid napkins, and a huge, raw squid dumped on the tabletop.

"…The cook kinda gave up after a while," Mr. Tsubaki explained with a shrug. "Lately the fishermen in this area have only caught squid."

"Huh! No wonder the locals weren't buying any fried squid!" Rin realized. "And here I thought it was my horrible demeanor and rude comments!"

"Oh, that too," Mr. Tsubaki added.

"Yeah well maybe if they weren't such SHITS about it-"

"So anyway," Mr. Tsubaki went on, pulling out a large Demon Manual and flipping through the pages, "I believe this so-called squid monster is actually a Demon, specifically a Kraken."

"A Kraken?" Shima repeated, frowning. "How do we defeat it?"

"Ohmigosh I know this one!" Rin cried, raising his hand. "I remember now, Jack Sparrow uses the Black Pearl to- guys are you _listening_?"

_The boy is mine! Not yours…but mine! Not yours…but mii~iiine_!

"Hello?" Mr. Tsubaki quickly answered his phone while the others exchanged looks. "Ohh, Kitty, not again! I can't, I'm busy- oh, alright! Yes, I'm on my way!" He hung up and stood, looking flustered. "I have to go, children! I just got a booty call-"

"_DUDE_!" Rin cut him off, his face a mask of disgust. "We don't need to hear about your homosexual _exploits_!"

"That was my MOTHER and she wants her BOOTIES!" To prove it, he held up a pairs of pea-shoes.

"…Oh." Rin blinked. "In my defense, you _totally_ come off as gay."

"So do you," Shima snorted.

"You know you want me."

"Ye- NO." Shima quickly turned away, blushing.

"I must go." Mr. Tsubaki paused at the doorway. "You three can have tomorrow off."

"Titties!" Shima cheered.

"Beach!" Rin cried.

"Intelligence!" Izumo gasped.

"Oh and by the way you all are gonna have to watch Yohei tomorrow." Mr. Tsubaki added, then dashed off down the hall. "Bye!"

"_SON OF A_-!" They all cried together.

As evening settled in, Izumo relaxed in the bath, enjoying the warm water and washing her hair. As she cleaned herself, she couldn't help but think of Yohei and his completely inappropriate romantic advances toward her.

"Hmm. I wonder if I could sue for sexual harassment?" She wondered to herself. "Naww, even _I'm_ not that heartless…"

"Hey, baby," a voice crooned from nearby. "Mind if I join you?" Izumo froze, eyes snapping toward the window. Yohei stood there, peeking over the sill and breathing hard. "I'll wash your ba-"

She whipped a bucket at him.

"Then again," she muttered, "a little time in the slammer might do him some good." Wrapping a towel around herself, she stormed outside, snatching up his prone body and giving him a vicious shake. "WHAT IS IT?"

"I-I'm sorry," Yohei stuttered. "I…I just wanted to give you something…to help with the pain."

"…Oh." Izumo blinked, suddenly feeling bad. "Okay. Sure."

"Here…it'll help." Yohei smiled, reaching out and handing her-

"…Pamprin- what the FUCK?"

She whipped it at him, too.

-The Next Morning-

Rin and Shima lay cuddled together in their bedroom, sprawled on the floor, hugging each other and sucking their thumbs. Kuro slunk into the room and hopped onto Rin's back, meowing urgently.

_Rin! Wake up! Wake up! The sea is black again_!

"Whu? Huh?" Rin blinked his eyes open, squinting at the morning light. He met Shima's confused gaze and solemnly shook his head. "Swear to God, it wasn't me this time. I only go after breakfast."

"Guys!" The door suddenly banged open, revealing a very distraught Izumo. "Did you see outside? The sea is black again! We have to hurry and stop Yohei before he does something stupid!" She whirled and ran off, thumping off down the hallway. Suddenly there were more thumps as she ran back and poked her head in. "…Holy shit did you two have sex?"

Rushing outside, Izumo found Yohei down on the wharf, staring out at the darkened sea with a grim expression. Sighing in relief, she settled down to keep a watchful eye on the boy. He stood there all day, eyes locked on the faraway horizon, waiting, waiting.

Back at the inn, Shima and Rin lounged about, sleeping and eating the day away like college students (those were wonderful times).

"…Man. I can't believe she said she doesn't need our help," Shima commented, flipping through his nudie mag. "It's unusual for Izumo to care this much about someone…" He paused. "Or at all."

"I know. It's FREAKING ME OUT." Rin stared at him, eyes wide and disturbed. "…Hold me."

"No way, man. That's ga-"

"Just close your eyes and pretend I'm a girl."

"Well alright."

At the end of the day, as a glowing orange sun set the sea on fire, Izumo finally lost her patience and approached Yohei, scowling.

"So, that's it?" She asked angrily, getting his attention. "You're just gonna wait around all day for that monster to come so you can kick its ass?"

"Of course!" Yohei shot back, jumping to his feet. "It's my father's enemy! I'll defeat it for sure, and then-"

"TIME!" Izumo suddenly cried. Rin popped up from a nearby trashcan, lid balanced on his head, stopwatch in hand.

"14:35! This shit is taking _forever_!" He shook his head in displeasure. "We gotta speed this up! Cue the Kraken!" He pointed at the sea, where the monster immediately emerged, spitting and hissing, tentacles thrashing like whips.

"It's here!" Yohei gasped. Clenching his fists, he grit his teeth and ran…in the…opposite direction?

"…Yohei, the squid is the OTHER WAY!" Izumo called after him.

"I know, bitch, that's why I'm RUNNING!"

"…Ah."

Rin and Shima dashed out onto the docks, eyes trained on their enormous watery foe. The Demon squid loomed above them, drawing closer. Shima narrowed his eyes.

"Hmm. I have an _inkling_ this'll be a hard fight!" He paused, waiting for a reaction. Rin stared back at him blankly. "…No?"

"NO." Rin shook his head. "Just stick to your mantra's and I'll stick to the puns. I ain't _Kraken_ up. SEE THAT'S HOW THE MASTER DOES IT." He punched the air and whooped.

"…Mine was so much better," Shima muttered under his breath, then pulled free his golden staff-thing that monks use. Brandishing it, he faced the huge creature, a dangerous gleam in his eye. "I'm gonna try some chants!" He cleared his throat, and began. "Dear Lord, who art in heaven, give me strength to yeah SHAKE that ass conquer evil and holy SHIT did you see those things emerge victorious over my baby got BACK!"

"WILL YOU STOP FLIRTING WITH THE GIRLS DOWN THERE AND JUST ATTACK THAT THING?" Rin exploded.

"I CAN'T I'VE TRIED!" Shima roared back. "I think it's some kind of sickness."

"Okay this obviously isn't working," Rin sighed, then whipped a rock at the monster. "Kuro! I choose you!"

"_MREOWWW_!" Kuro leapt at the squid, transforming into his true Demon form and attacking, jaws snapping and tails lashing.

"Good job!" Rin called encouragement to his familiar. "Kuro! Use 'Head-butt'!"

*_Thwack_!*

The giant squid fell back, gurgling in pain.

"Great! Okay, now 'Tail-Whip'!"

Giant Squid's defense has been lowered!

"Alright!" Rin crowed. "Now, use 'Bite'!"

…It's super effective!

Squid uses 'Bitch-Slap'!

Kuro has fainted.

"_NOOOO_!"

Rin uses Bitch and Moan. The attack is ineffective.

"OKAY KNOCK IT OFF!"

"Wait, didn't we use this Pokemon reference in a another episode?" Shima asked, frowning. "What an unoriginal bitch!"

"Hey, shut up!" Rin snapped at him. "The author is bored with this retarded filler episode! Give her a break, man!"

"Ohh, you two are _useless_!" Izumo dashed over, pushing past the boys. "Let ME handle this!" She pulled free her two Demon Circles, preparing to summon the Gods of the Harvest and- "Where are my dog treats?"

Rin froze, staring at her wide-eyed, cheeks bulging.

"I have NO idea," he mumbled, mouth full. "But I bet that they were DELICIOUS."

"And so are WE to that SQUID!" Izumo glared. "I hope it eats you first so I get to WATCH."

Suddenly the squid was there, looming over them like a sinister mountain, arms raised to-

A harpoon suddenly shot through the air, piercing the creature's soft body and making it squeal in pain. Everyone gasped in shock.

"Where'd that come from?" Izumo cried.

"Who was that?" Shima wondered.

"How did we get down on the beach so fast?" Rin gasped.

"Yes! I got it!" A voice called from the water. It was Yohei, on board a tiny boat zooming toward the squid, a spear-gun in his arms-

"Wait that doesn't explain where the first one came from-"

"Today's the day!" Yohei roared, charging toward the giant squid Demon. "I'll defeat you…_FILLERRRR_!"

*_SMASH_!*

Once again, the huge beast effortlessly destroyed the boat, sending Yohei tumbling into the churning waters. Hm. Like father, like son.

"Jack, no!" Rin shrieked in horror. "Don't go! I love you!" He leapt into the water, diving deep and pulling the small boy up to the surface where they clung to each other and treaded water. "Jack, are you okay?"

"It's YOHEI!"

"We've been over this, no-one CARES-"

A shadow fell over the two. It was the squid, back from more. It surged toward them, beady eyes thirsting for blood.

"Oh no!" Yohei sobbed as it drew closer. "At this rate…we'll…we'll…"

The squid shrieked, eyes shining murderously, tentacles thrashing and-

"I went," Rin suddenly stated.

Both the squid and Yohei froze in horror.

"_EEEEWWWWWWW_!" The Demon squid squealed, backing away hurriedly.

"Let the giant squid eat me!" Yohei howled, struggling against Rin's hold. "Let it eat me!"

"Aww, come on! It's not all that bad! See, now we have a warm spot to-"

"For the love of God, let it-"

"_OOOOOOIIIIII_!" A deep voice suddenly called out. "_YOHEIIIII_!"

Rin and Yohei turned to see a grizzled, bearded man on raft, clothes ragged and skin sunburned, drifting closer on the ocean's current. Yohei gasped aloud, eyes suddenly bright and shining with happiness.

"I can't believe it! It's…it's…"

"TOM HANKS!" Rin shrieked in delight, squeezing Yohei. "Where's Wilson?" He immediately released the boy and began swimming over. "Can I have your autograph? I loved you in Toy Story 3! It had TOTORO in it!"

"That's my DAD, you dumbass!" Yohei barked, swimming alongside him.

"Your dad is Tom Hanks?"

"Jesus Christ just forget it."

Finally, everyone stood on the docks, father and son happily reunited. The two hugged each other and sobbed while the others watched with satisfaction.

"I lost my way," Yohei's father explained. "I lived on a deserted island for a while and befriended a volleyball before managing to escape."

"See? I knew it!" Rin whispered to Shima.

"But dad!" Yohei interrupted. "What about that squid?" He pointed at the sea, where the huge squid sat waiting, suddenly tame. "What's going on? Isn't he your enemy?"

"Uh…yeah…about that…" Yohei's father shuffled his feet and cleared his throat. "Yohei…let me introduce you to…your new mommy!"

"Okay I'm done," Izumo stated, throwing her hands up. "Screw y'all, I'm out." She spun on her heel and walked away. Rin and Shima watched her go.

"…I dunno what _she's_ talking about, this is the best shit I've seen all year!" Rin commented, holding a box of popcorn.

"I _know_!" Shima agreed, reaching over and taking a handful. "We should see if we can get it on DVD."

-Several Days Later-

Rin, Shima, and Izumo once again stood on the sidewalk, waiting for the bus to come pick them up and take them away from this rotten hell-hole.

"I…will NEVER be able to forget this horrible vacation for the rest of my life," Izumo ground out, eyes dark and hollow, all joy removed.

"_Awww_," Rin gently patted her back. "Don't worry, I took pictures! Smile!" He leaned close and snapped another one while she scowled like a serial killer.

"Hey! Hey guys! _Heeeeey_!"

"Oh shit." Rin winced. "Alright just stay still. Maybe his sight is based on movement."

"Hey, guys!" Yohei ran up to them, panting. A small white dog trotted at his heels, tail wagging. "You're leaving already? Look, my dog's here! His name's Snowy! Look! Aren't his eyebrows cute?" Against her better judgment, Izumo looked.

The dog's eyebrows were exactly the same as hers.

"…I'm so getting them waxed tomorrow. Hell, I'll shave them myself."

"_Bwahaha_!" Rin threw his head back and laughed, pounding a fist against his knee. "That shit is HILARIOUS." He suddenly whipped out his stop-watch. "Aaaand… _TIME_!"

-Episode 11 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Well that was fun. Not sure when I'll be able to do another one, so just keep your eyes open, I'll get it done eventually! Thanks for reading! Review, please!


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: Aaaaand DONE! Enjoy! Read and review, pleaaaase!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 12

A Game of Tag

Mephisto Pheles sat in his cluttered office at True Cross Academy, glowering over his wide wooden desk at his younger brother. No, not the retarded one, the one who looks like he writes dark poetry and cuts himself, Amaimon. Mephisto tapped his finger on the desktop impatiently as his brother unpacked a large sack with his souvenirs from his recent trip to Japan. They included boxes of Pocky, high-school uniforms, Dragonballs, a dead Geisha- wait, wtf?

"This Japan of yours," Amaimon spoke, finally emptying the sack and standing, "it's very…" He trailed off, struggling to find the right word.

"…Beautiful?" Mephisto suggested. "Unique? Culturally rich?"

"…_Disturbing_," Amaimon finished, nodding his head with satisfaction. "Look, I bought these panties out of a vending machine." He held up a pair of bright pink underwear as proof.

"Oh dear God those are probably mine," Mephisto muttered darkly, covering his face with his hands.

"How do I look?"

Mephisto peeked through his fingers to find Amaimon wearing a Sailor Moon uniform, adjusting the frilled mini-skirt and high-heeled boots. Mephisto stared at him for a long moment, one of his eyes twitching wildly.

"A piece of me just got raped and then DIED inside," he stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, its not really my color," Amaimon agreed, twirling in place.

"But it is _mine_! Yoink!" Mephisto leapt forward and whipped the costume off his brother, then hurriedly donned it himself. It fit surprisingly well. Once finished, he posed dramatically, one hand on his hip, the other holding two fingers to his forehead. "I punish you in the name of the moon!"

"By the way," Amaimon went on, hopping back into his pants. "Where's our little…"

"Brother?" Mephisto tried again.

"Punching bag, that's it!" Amaimon snapped his fingers. "Where is he? I need a lesson."

"Over there." Mephisto pointed off through the window, Amaimon turning to peek through the stained glass. Several hundred feet away, Rin could be seen outside, having an animated conversation with a brick wall. Amaimon made a face. "Don't ask," Mephisto sighed. "He once had a two-hour talk with a donut. Then he got hungry and ate it and cried for another two hours."

Amaimon wasn't listening, his intense gaze trained on his little brother, biting at his nails with barely contained excitement. Mephisto frowned at him.

"…You know you've really got to quit doing that," he stated. "You've ruined ALL my good couches." He reached into his pocket and pulled out some nail-clippers. "Okay come here it's for your own good."

"_HISSSSS_! MRAAAOW!"

"I swear to God if you spray I am boycotting this stupid fanfic."

Outside, Rin was still in deep conversation with the brick wall, who was proving to be quite a good listener, if a little on the quiet side.

"-and so then I went online onto and you will not BELIEVE the kind of stuff I found-"

"Rin, get over here!" A voice called from nearby.

"Gotta go! Talk to you later, man," Rin finished up, fist-bumping the wall and trotting back to the others.

The students were all gathered together in Mepphy Land, an enormous amusement park that was themed after non-other than Mephisto, in all his weird-clown glory. There were fun houses, rides, and games all based off Mephisto and his extravagance. Huge golden statues of the man littered the grounds, Rin walking up to the base of one and joining the other students.

"How was your last mission, guys?" Konekomaru asked as Rin took a seat next to Shima. "The one at the beach?" They exchanged glances before answering.

"I don't think it could even be _classified_ as a mission," Shima snorted.

"…What do you-"

"It involved bestiality," Rin broke in.

"WELL I'VE HEARD ENOUGH." Suguro stood up and started to move away.

"But I haven't even gotten to the best _paaaart_!" Rin whined. Suddenly he narrowed his eyes and glanced around the amusement park, studying the many statues and pictures of Mephisto strewn about. "Is it just me, or is this the _gayest_ amusement park we've ever been to?"

"Eh, I've been to gayer," Mr. Tsubaki, the whiskered teacher commented. The students fell quiet for a long moment.

"Yeah I BET."

"RIN DETENTION."

"IT WAS WORTH IT!"

"Sorry we're late!" A voice called over. Rin and the boys all turned to see the girls hurrying over, Shiemi having changed out of her traditional kimono in favor of a new school uniform complete with inappropriately short skirt and thigh-highs, several parts of her anatomy bouncing as she ran.

"OMG, PUDDING!" Rin gasped in delight as a picture of it flashed onscreen.

"Shut up, Rin!" Suguro snapped. "There IS no pudding! It's a metaphor! We're all just looking at Shiemi's _jugs_!"

"…Oh." Rin deflated with disappointment. "So…no pudding?"

"NO!"

"But I'm so _huuuungry_!"

"What happened to your kimono?" Konekomaru asked as Shiemi and Izumo finally arrived, the girls stopping to catch their breath.

"…Can I have it?" Shima piped up from the back. Suguro smacked him. Then he turned and smacked Rin, too.

"Ow! What'd I do?"

"You just touched my butt."

"Oh yeah right."

"The kimono wasn't suitable for missions," Shiemi explained, straightening and smoothing down her skirt. "So I was given this uniform for missions. Izumo helped me put it on-"

"_Ohhh_ yeah say it _slower_," Shima cooed. Izumo made eye-contact with him and made snipping motions with her fingers. Shima slowly sat back down and began rocking.

"I don't look…_weird_, do I?" Shiemi asked shyly, blushing.

"You look great!" Konekomaru assured her.

"I'd tap that!" Shima joined in.

"Super cute!" Suguro added.

"You look like SHIT!"

Everyone stopped and turned to glare at Rin.

"…Come _on_, guys. She looks a _little_ shitty." He paused. "Her shoes don't even match her-"

"You're just mad about the pudding!" Suguro cut him off.

"MAYBE I _AM_!" Rin was roughly shoved aside by the others students, tumbling from the statue's base onto the ground next to his twin brother, Yukio. Standing up and brushing himself off, he sidled up next to his twin, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Hey, Yukio! Don't you think Shiemi's clothes are a little too revealing? Admit it, you were totally checking out her boobs!" Rin paused. "…Or was it _me_ you were-"

Yukio promptly hit him in the face with his clip-board.

"Alright, everyone, gather around!" He called to the others. "I'll assign you into pairs." The students obeyed, muttering to one another quietly.

"Something without a penis, something without a penis!" Shima prayed desperately to himself, eyes screwed shut.

"Shima, pair up with Izumo."

"God-_dammit_!"

"Oh, please! That was _so_ last chapter!" Izumo snorted, rolling her eyes. Beside her, Rin crossed his fingers, hoping to be paired with Suguro so they could get some 'alone' time. And by 'alone', he meant 'rape'-

"Suguro, pair up with the Ring-Wraith over there." Suguro turned and walked over to the kid with the dark hooded-sweatshirt.

"_DAMMIT_!" Rin exploded, stomping a foot.

"Safe!" Suguro crowed, skipping up to the other student and holding up a hand. "_Whoo_! High-five, man!" The hooded figure didn't respond. "That's cold as ice."

"You can run but you can't hide," Rin hissed out, eyes following Suguro as he moved to stand next to his partner. "_Mwahahahahaha_-"

"Rin, I'm paired with-"

"Get LOST, _bitch_, I'm doing my evil laugh!" Rin shoved Shiemi away and sulked in bitter disappointment.

"Lately, we've gotten reports of ghost sightings and damages here at Mepphy land," Yukio explained to the group of students, "so today, you will all investigate the grounds."

"Can anyone define what a ghost is?" Mr. Tsubaki asked. Rin raises his hand. "…Can anyone ELSE?"

"Screw you, jackass!" Rin barked. "A ghost is small and white and bashful when you look at it, but approaches when your back is turned! _DUH_!"

"Rin that's Super Mario."

"Oh wait now I remember. We have to call Ghost-Busters and get them to-"

"SOMEONE ELSE _PLEASE_!"

"_Dunana-nuuuuh-na-nuuuuh-na na na_, GHOST BUSTERS-"

"RIN DETENTION FOR A WEEK!"

"IT WAS STILL WORTH IT!"

"…Well that's just _sad_," Yukio stated, eyes on his brother. "But moving on! The ghost is said to take the form of a small boy. It wanders around the park, pulling hands and flipping skirts."

"Flipping skirts?" Rin gasped aloud, glancing down. "Dammit I KNEW I shoulda worn pants today!"

"Please dear God take mine." Yukio undid his belt and began removing his pants. "With my long coat no-one will notice anyway."

"Hey that's kinda sexy-"

*_SMACK_!*

"_Hmph_. Flipping skirts. What childish pranks!" Shima snorted. He stood quietly for a moment, then suddenly reached out and flipped Izumo's skirt beside him.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH-"

"It was the GHOST!"

"Here's some paranormal activity for you!" She snarled, grabbing his shirt and pulling him close. "Your balls are mysteriously gonna disappear overnight!"

"Alright enough!" Yukio ordered as Rin pulled on his pants. "Split up and start searching!" Everyone was too busy arguing to notice, Izumo now strangling Shima as he attempted to grope her, Suguro doing likewise to Rin. Yukio sighed, pulled out his gun, and fired it into the air.

_BLAM BLAM BLAM_!

Everyone shot off in different directions.

"I would like just ONE day where I didn't have to resort to that," Yukio muttered to himself, stuffing his gun back into his jacket.

-Later…-

Rin and Shiemi wandered the amusement park, searching for the mysterious ghost-child. Rides and fun-houses surrounded them, the warm summer sun beating down on them. Suddenly Rin stopped, an idea forming in his head (everyone back up. It could blow at any minute!).

"Okay, let's make this easy!" He turned to Shiemi, who looked back in confusion. "Honey, start channeling your inner Ghost Whisperer! Do you feel like Jennifer Love Hewitt yet? Do you have an irresistible urge to sing horrible songs and unashamedly show off your rockin' tits?"

"Uh…no?" Shiemi blinked.

"Then you're not trying HARD enough! Get it together, girl! Okay, you've got the _boobs_ part down, now it's just the crappy acting and singing that's left-"

"Screw you, Rin! I _like_ Jennifer Love Hewitt!"

"Yeah you _would_-"

Shiemi huffed and turned away, marching off down the narrow street. Rin shrugged and followed close behind, noticing after several moments Shiemi's odd robot-walk and tense shoulders.

"Uh, Jennifer? You okay?"

Shiemi suddenly whirled around to face him, cheeks puffed out like a frog's and mouth pinched closed.

"_OMG what is wrong with your FACE you look like a constipated old woman_ oh wait that's normal." Rin relaxed, taking a relieved breath.

"It's _Shiemi_! And I'm _not_ laughing!" Shiemi whimpered out, her eyebrows drawn tightly together.

"Oh no?" Rin asked dangerously, an evil gleam in his eyes. "_COOCHI COOCHI COO_!" Suddenly he leapt forward and tackled her to the ground, tickling her all over. "How about _now_, Jennifer? You laughing yet?"

"_Ahahahaha_!" Shiemi writhed in the dirt, fighting back gales of laughter. "_Hahhahaha_! Stop, Rin! Stop! I think I _pissed_ myself!"

"Well join the party!"

After the laughter had died down, Rin helped Shiemi up (both now smelling of urine), and they continued their search amongst the fun and games of the park. Shiemi gazed at each booth and ride in wonder, eyes wide and sparkling, gasping at every new sight. Rin gave her a strange look and she glanced down, blushing.

"I…the thing is…I've always wanted to go to an amusement park." Shiemi smiled sadly. "But…I was always weak and couldn't stand the crowds…so…I've never really-"

*_SMACK_!*

Rin suddenly smacked her upside the head.

"OW! What? _Why_?"

"Sorry. There was a bug." Rin paused, then shoved his gore-spattered hand into her face. "Look, you can see its guts and everything!"

…Way to woo a girl, Rin. You're a real-life Casanova.

Elsewhere around the park, the other teams were having similar problems. Konekomaru stood with the small boy holding a puppet, eyeing him nervously.

"…Please don't kill me and turn me into a meat-puppet," he whispered in a tiny voice.

Shima stood with Izumo, eyes wide with fright and sweat popping on his brow.

"…Please don't kill me and turn me into a meat-puppet," he whispered as well.

Suguro stood next to the hooded kid, warily keeping his distance.

"…Please don't put a cap in my ass, G."

Back on the other end of the park, Rin and Shiemi halted, their path ending at large merry-go-round. Wooden horses and other animals grinned from their posts, encircling the ride's outer edge. Suddenly the lights lining the roof snapped on, and the ride began to slowly rotate, cheery music playing.

"Oh my GOSH." Rin froze, eyes trained on the ride with horrified fascinaition. "ME _FIRST_, JENNIFER!" He shoved Shiemi to the side and began dashing for the closest horse.

"Rin, wait! Why did it-"

"Because I'm effing _psychic_, that's why!" Rin threw over his shoulder as he ran. "Now watch as I conquer this ride and make it my- _hey_!" He screeched to a halt, gaping at the merry-go-round as a figure suddenly appeared.

A small, wispy boy in pajama's sat on one of the horses, sniffling and rubbing his face. He was obviously the ghost they were searching for.

"Hey, kid! Quit crying!" Rin snapped suddenly. The boy flinched and began sobbing harder.

"Don't _yell_ at him!" Shiemi cried.

"_Dammit_, woman, we gotta teach him responsibility if he's ever gonna grow up to be a real man!" Rin turned toward Shiemi and crossed his arms.

"He's never gonna grow up, he's a _ghost_!" Shiemi flung her hands in the air.

"That's because YOU spoil him! I knew I shoulda listened to your mother! I want a divorce!"

"WE'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED! WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU?"

"A lot of things." Rin made a face and shrugged.

Suddenly the ghost-boy zoomed off the wooden horse and nestled his face in the comforting warmth of Shiemi's bosom. The girl squeaked in surprise, turning red.

"_Uwaaaah_!" The boy sobbed, clinging to her. "My m-mommy…and d-daddy…they said they'd t-take me here…when I got better…b…but…"

"Well they were HORRIBLE parents-" Rin stated off to the side.

"_SHH_!" Shiemi shushed him, glaring. She smiled gently and rubbed a soothing hand on the ghost-boy's head. "There, there. It's okay. Everything's gonna be-"

"HONK, HONK!" The ghost-boy suddenly reached out and grabbed Shiemi's chest.

"_OH YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD_."

"You little _shit_!" Rin hissed out in disbelief. "_I_ called first dibs on those! _ME_!"

"What?"

"I said after him!"

The ghost-boy flew away, laughing evilly, and the two chased after him, flinging swears and threats as they ran. It wasn't long before they lost him, and stopped to catch their breaths at the same huge golden statue of Mephisto they had gathered at earlier.

"Damn, where'd he go?" Rin growled out, casting glances left and right.

"I don't see him…" Shiemi panted and shook her head.

"Alright, you go look over there, I'll stay here and guard the statue!"

"Okay- wait, what?"

"Look, he's over there, smacking his ass at you!" Rin cried, pointing. Shiemi whirled around and dashed away, arms straight up in the air.

"I will DEVOUR your ECTOPLASM!"

"_Phew_…" Rin breathed out a long sigh and leaned against the statue's leg. "Alright, time to change my Facebook status!" He whipped out his phone and began punching buttons. A shadow fell across his shoulder, but Rin was too busy LOLing to notice.

"_Yoink_!" A hand suddenly reached down and snatched his sword, Kurikara, away. Rin yelped in surprise and whirled to find Amaimon crouched atop the statue's shoulders, holding the sword up high and smirking down at the boy.

"HEY! Who the hell are you? Give that back!" Rin demanded, then caught sight of the lollypop in Amaimon's mouth. "…Trade you for that lolly." His gaze traveled higher and he noticed the green spike atop the Demon-boy's head. "…Is that hair-gel or are you happy to see me?"

"I'm Amaimon, a Demon King," Amaimon introduced himself. "I'm kinda like your big brother. Nice to kill you."

"…Don't you mean-"

"NO."

"Oh dear God."

"He can't help you now." Amaimon was studying Kurikara with malicious intent. Suddenly he grasped the handle and grinned. "Let's see how this works." He unsheathed the blade, and immediately Rin was consumed with blue flames.

"No wait don't- _EAARGH_! HOT HOT HOT! IT BURNS THE FLESH!" He danced around, flapping his arms at the curling flames. "You bastard! These are my GOOD clothes!"

"They smell like urine."

"…These are my GOOD clothes!"

"Amazing! I see now!" Amaimon nodded knowingly, ignoring Rin and holding the silvery blade at an angle to admire its sheen. "Your body is in Gehenna, but your flames are in Assiah, and the sword works as a gateway! Ingenious!" He paused for a moment, then suddenly began pulling the sword in and out of its sheath while singing a song. "Can. You. Take. Me. To… Funky. TOWN?"

"_Ahh_- oh. _Ahh_- oh. _Ahh_- WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?" Rin exploded.

Across the amusement park, Suguro was sighing, staring up at the clear blue sky and wiping several drops of sweat from his brow.

"Hmmm…" he mused quietly. "I feel as though…I'm missing something."

"_Auuuuugh_!" Rin's voice floated over on the wind.

"Something…good."

"Oh God please make it _stooooop_!"

"Something…_really_ good."

"You're not even singing the right _words_!"

"Ah well." Suguro shrugged and turned, glaring over at his partner, who was sitting on a nearby bench, playing a video game. "Hey! Do I have to do everything by myself? Aren't you even gonna HELP me? Dammit, you are so useless! Why don't you just disappear?"

Suddenly the hooded kid lifted his head and stood, dashing over to the nearby support beams for a ride and beginning to climb up a narrow service ladder. Suguro watched him clamber up several rungs with his mouth gaping open.

"…Okay wait I'm sorry I didn't mean it!" He called after him. "You are a great contribution to society and I actually really like your sweatshirt! Where did you get it? Hot Topic?" He paused, blinking. "Okay sorry last time I swear. Come DOWN!"

Shiemi, meanwhile, was busy chasing the ghost-boy across the park, shrieking like a banshee all the while.

"The power of Christ compels you!" She hollered, chasing the boy into a house of mirrors. "I will- oh wow I DO look kinda shitty. Rin was right." She stopped and twirled in place, admiring the many angles the mirrors provided. "Maybe I should wear my hair differently?"

"And lose a couple pounds from that fat ass!" The ghost-boy called from behind. Shiemi whirled and went for him.

"I will smack the BRAT outta you!"

"STOP!" Rin roared, still battling his older brother's bullying. Amaimon ignored his pleas, continuing to play with the sword for his own amusement, now swinging it about with added light-saber sound effects. Rin tried again. "Stop… _please_?" Amaimon blinked and looked down at him.

"Well alright."

"Oh thank- _GWAAAUGH_!" Rin floundered about in a sea of blue flames, desperately trying to extinguish them.

"Psych."

"_Arrgh_! You asshole! Gimme back my sword, dammit!"

"Alright, alright." Amaimon sheathed the blade, dousing the fire, then held it up high over his head. "Come on, jump for it!"

"You son of a…! Unh! _UNH_!" Rin gathered himself and made several pathetic attempts to leap for it. "Shut up! I got weak calves!"

"What a sissy." Amaimon snickered.

"YOU MOTHER-" Rin suddenly shot through the air, leaping at Amaimon and kicking out in fury. The Demon King dodged, the tall golden statue losing its head by cause of Rin's well-placed kick and spinning off into the distance. Rin and Amaimon landed side-by-side and stared at the ruined statue in awkward silence. "…You started it."

"I'm telling," Amaimon retorted.

"NOT IF I TELL ON YOU FIRST!"

Amaimon suddenly flipped away, landing on an iron girder beneath a roller-coaster track. He grinned down at his brother, an evil gleam in his eye.

"This is an amusement park, so let's have some fun!" He declared, unsheathing Kurikara again. Rin frowned, but not from the blue flames that burst to life once more.

"…What, you wanna ride the roller-coaster together or something?"

"I was thinking more me beating the shit outta you."

"_Awww_, but I really wanted to ride the- wait what?" Rin was bowled over backwards as Amaimon lunged at him, socking him in the gut. Laughing, the Demon King raised a hand and snapped his fingers. Instantly, all the rides in the amusement park turned all, spinning on wheels and clicking along tracks. Rin's eyes widened and he gaped in awe.

"Ohmigosh we're BOTH psychic!"

"Know what I'm gonna do now?" Amaimon asked dangerously, suddenly standing very close. Rin paused.

"…Make…me a sandwich?"

"Wow, you're right!" Amaimon grinned. Rin smiled back. "A _knuckle_ sandwich!"

"Ahahaha hey that was pretty- _OOF_!"

All around the park, the other students stopped in confusion, watching the rides and lights turn on. Yukio frowned uneasily, then jumped as his phone trilled.

"Yes, hello? Mr. Tsubaki?" He answered.

"Yukio! Are you turned on right now?"

"…Do you mean, did I turn the power on?" Yukio clarified.

"That's what I said."

"Not it isn't-"

"Are you still not wearing pants under your jacket?"

Yukio promptly hung up.

Shiemi, meanwhile, was having difficulties of her own. At the moment she lay on the floor of a particularly nasty ride, waking up from a blackout to find herself in a puddle of her own puke.

"I…changed my mind. Don't…_ever_…wanna go to an amusement park…_again_." She sat up unsteadily, her head spinning and guts churning. "Oh GOD it's in my hair."

"Come on, ya dumb whore!" A taunting voice called. The ghost-boy was back, making offensive gestures and rude faces. "Catch me! Hahahaha!" He zoomed off, laughing wildly. Shiemi suddenly stopped, a realization hitting her.

"That boy!" She gasped. "He was sick when he was alive…he just wants to play!" She quieted for a moment. "Well he should have thought about that before assaulting me." She pulled out a bottle of holy water and started after the ghost-boy once again. "I will hook this up to your incorporeal veins!"

Rin was likewise chasing after Amaimon, who had climbed all the way up to the top track of the roller-coaster and was now cutting his toe-nails with Kurikara. Rin grit his teeth in fury and climbed faster.

"Wait! _Waaaaait_! Give _iiiiiit_! You're so _meeeeean_! I'm TELLING!" He hollered, panting. "Come DOWN here!"

"If you insist." Amaimon hopped onto the approaching roller-coaster and rode it down the track, straight at Rin.

"OH SHIT WAIT I DON'T HAVE A TICKET-" Rin squealed and leapt up out of the way at the last moment, the ride whistling past his feet. Sighing in relief, he looked across from him to find Amaimon there, having leapt into the air with him.

"You must be THIS tall for me to beat the shit out of you," the Demon King stated, holding up a hand. With his other, he decked Rin in the face.

"OW STUPID GROWTH SPURT-"

The brothers fell together, Amaimon grabbing Rin by the collar and proceeding to, as he said eloquently put it, beat the shit out of him. Rin coughed and choked in pain, blood flowing free.

"Can't we…play…something else?" He begged in between blows. Amaimon suddenly paused, fist poised for another hit, considering.

"Like what?"

"…Pictionary?"

"Alright." Amaimon thought for a moment. "I'm going to draw a picture on your face with my fist."

_WHACK_.

"Ow!" Rin squealed, struggling. "Um, a dog? No wait, a cat? Gimme another clue, man!"

_THUD. SMACK_.

"Oh oh oh! I got it! Is it a bruise?" Rin asked.

"That's right!" Amaimon cheered. "Congratulations!"

"Whee!" Rin clapped his hands. "What do I get?"

"The ground."

_WHAM_!

"Would rather…have gotten…a _plushie_…" Rin choked out, laying in a crater of his own making. Amaimon landed next to him, sat on him, and started right where they had left off, which was, if you can't remember, right on the corner of Pain and Agony, down the road from Bruise and Contusion.

"What a letdown…" Amaimon sighed, his fist pulled back for another blow. "I thought you'd be good for killing some time." There was a short pause. "Pun _intended_."

"Oh my gosh we ARE related!" Rin gurgled through the broken teeth and bloody nose. "_RAAAAUGH_!" He shoved Amaimon back with sudden ferocity, lunging onto his older brother and beginning to strangle him. Rin's eyes were wide and bloodshot, howling in rage like a berserker, blue flames wreathing him. Amaimon lay on the ground, Rin's hands throttling his throat, eyes narrowing at the new situation.

"…I don't think I like this game," he stated matter-of-factly. "Time to shake things up!" So saying, he raised a fist and brought it down on the ground, instantly causing a viscous earthquake that shook the amusement park to its foundations and split the surrounding landscape like a melon. Several support beams fell free, tumbling down from high above, searching for unwary victims.

"Oh my God SHAKE THINGS UP that's a good one!" Rin gasped out, recovering his (stupid) senses. "Hold on lemme write that down. 'Time to'- OH GODAMMIT STOP BURNING UP!"

"Rin, _HEEEELP_!" A voice suddenly cried out. The boy in question turned to find the voice to be Shiemi, trapped in a large ball-pit with the ghost-boy in her arms, caught in a choke-hold. The fallen girders had struck the ball-pit, bringing it down on them like a slowly-deflating blimp. Instead of calmly walking out of the way like a normal person, Shiemi was crouched in fetal position, shrieking in fear. I _swear_…

"Uh…Shiemi…?" Rin called over uncertainly, raising an eyebrow. "You know you could just…_move_?"

"No! I'm too scared!" Shiemi whimpered out, frozen in place.

"Seriously, I'm kinda busy, it's deflating SUPER slow, you could actually get up and WALK-"

"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND SAVE ME, CHICKEN-SHIT!"

"FINE!" Rin raised a hand, hurling a pillar of blue flames at the girl. The flames plowed into the structure, burning it to ashes and saving Shiemi from being flattened. Rin's jaw fell open at what he'd done, and he stared at his sizzling hand in awe. "Holy shit I'm Mario."

"Is it…over?" Shiemi peeked an eye open and found herself safe. Slowly sitting up, the ghost-boy wriggled out of her grasp, floating in front of her and grinning.

"That was SO much fun!" He giggled with glee. "Watching you almost die was awesome! I was sick a lot when I was alive, so I never got to play outside! Thanks for spending time with me, sister!"

Then he exploded.

Shiemi sat there, pieces of the ghost-boy spattered on her face and clothes, blinking slowly.

"…I am so disturbed right now it's not even funny."

"Alright!" Rin cried aloud, glancing around. "Who wants to be Luigi?"

"I do." Amaimon was suddenly beside him, a wicked grin on his face.

"Wow, really?"

"No." He kicked him in the crotch, bringing him to his knees. "Sorry, was that your mushroom? Guess you just went _down_ a size."

"Oh that is IT you're _Wario_!" Rin chocked out, struggling against the pain. Amaimon stepped closer, raising a fist to-

"Rin, watch out!"

_CLANG_!

The mysterious hooded student suddenly appeared, wielding a huge blade and beating Amaimon back, who leapt away.

"Who are you?" Amaimon snapped, voice thick with displeasure at being interrupted. "You're in the way."

"_You're_ in the way!" The person shot back, leveling the sword.

"You're ugly."

"NO _YOU'RE_ UGLY!"

"You suck at come-backs."

"NO _YOU_ SUCK AT COME-BACKS!"

"Okay forget it this is stupid," Amaimon snarled. "And that's saying a lot for this fic." He sheathed Kurikara, Rin's flames disappearing in a flash, and retreated a step. "Here, you can have it back." He gave the sheath a wet lick, then tossed it to Rin. It cracked him between the eyes, dropping to his feet. Rin wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Ewwww it's got his COOTIES on it!" He complained, rubbing his forehead. "…I think I broke the sheath."

"Rin? What's going on? Are you okay?" Shiemi hurried over, running to Rin's side.

"Yeah, I'm okay. What about you?" Rin turned to her, glancing around. "And where's that ghost-brat?"

"Right here." Shiemi pointed at the pieces of ectoplasm on her face. "And here." She pointed down at her ruined shirt. "And a little here, here, and here."

"Christ, what did you DO to him?" He asked, horrified. "You are a TERRIBLE mother." He paused. "And it turns me ON."

"Shiemi! Are you and your breasts- I mean, you and Rin okay?" Yukio asked, dashing up. Shiemi turned to him with a dreamy expression, fluttering her eyelashes.

"They are ready and waiting for you, master."

"I will take that as a yes." Yukio regarded his brother. "What on earth happened here, Rin?"

"About time you showed, Yukio!" The hooded figure snapped, waltzing over to join the group. "I had to make my move!" Yukio frowned in confusion at the person's familiar attitude.

"Ring…Wraith? I'm sorry, but…who are you?"

"_Hmph_. Time to slip into something a lot more _revealing_." The person suddenly began stripping off their jacket to raunchy beat-music. Rin, Shiemi, and Yukio all goggled as the sweatshirt was removed, as well as a long strip of cloth.

Finally finishing the maturely-rated display, a woman with long red ponytail stood before them, a small bikini top barely covering her large knockers. "The Vatican sent me. I'm here to oversee the Japanese Branch. My name is-"

"Omg it's Jennifer Love Hewitt!" Rin squealed excitedly. "We FOUND her!" His gaze dropped to her ample chest. "AND her titties!"

"My name is _Shura_," the woman corrected. "And that will be FIFTY dollars for the strip-tease."

Rin slowly started taking out his wallet.

"Rin do not pay her."

"For another fifty, I'll take my top off."

"RIN PUT THAT AWAY."

-Episode 12 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Had a lot of fun with Amaimon this episode. Can you tell that I have a lot of older siblings? BECAUSE I DO. Review, please!


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: So I just realized I'm halfway done this series. Twenty-five episodes in all and I'm on the thirteenth. Whoo-hoo! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 13

Proof

Back where we left off, Shura, the mysterious well-endowed woman, was standing before the goggling twins, Rin and Yukio, in the extravagantly gay Mepphy Land, an amusement park dedicated to Mephisto. The equally extravagantly gay teacher Mr. Tsubaki and Shiemi stood nearby as well, all staring at the newcomer in confusion.

"Shura?" Mr. Tsubaki repeated, eyeing the young woman warily, voice thick with suspicion. "And you say the Vatican sent you?"

"Yup." Shura nodded and handed over several papers. "Here's my license and certification." Mr. Tsubaki studied them for several moments before frowning.

"…I'm afraid these aren't enough-"

"…Ugh, FINE!" Shura sighed and rolled her eyes. "Here's my cup-size." She held out a large lacey bra, which Mr. Tsubaki took and held up to examine closely.

"_Hmmm_. Yup, she's _definitely_ who she says she is!"

"Oh please like you even CARE-" Rin snorted off to the side.

"RIN DETENTION FOR A MONTH."

"STILL. WORTH. IT."

"Rin stop it," Yukio snapped distractedly, then blinked. "Wait, detention means less time around me." He stared at his brother intensely and jabbed a finger at Mr. Tsubaki. "Attack him. Attack him with your stupid."

"Alrighty." Shura got to business, placing her hands on her hips and tipping her shaggy head toward Rin. "I'll be taking this kid to the Japanese Branch office so I can- _WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT_?"

Rin froze for a moment, one hand stuffed in his wallet, then threw another fistful of dollar bills into the woman's face.

"Start dancing, honey!" He cried impatiently. "Hurry, before I run outta singles and hafta pull a Mephisto and start chucking quarters!" He paused. "They sting." He paused again. "I know." There was another pause. "Are you gonna take your top off or what?"

Shura slugged him in the gut, then pocketed his wallet.

"Speaking of Mephisto," she continued over the sound of Rin's dry-heaving, "I need to talk to him, too. Bring him along. Use force if necessary." She paused, considering. "If unnecessary, as well."

"Will DO," Mr. Tsubaki replied with grim satisfaction, pulling out a tube of lip-stick and busily applying it.

"I KNEW it!" Rin choked out.

"It's CHAP-stick, Rin! I have dry lips!"

"Oh." Rin blinked. "Well then might I recommend Blistex-" He broke off as Shura suddenly loomed over him, glaring down with a sinister expression.

"Get up," she snapped. "I've got a shitload of stuff I wanna ask ya."

"Do whatever you want with me, talking breasts of my dreams," Rin whispered back, staring up at her with wide, glittering eyes. Shura stared at him for a quiet moment, then lunged forward and clothes-lined him. "_Ow okay except that_-"

"Later!" Shura waved a goodbye to the confounded group and began dragging Rin away, not unlike a slutty wolf hauling away a struggling, retarded deer.

"W-wait!" Shiemi finally found the courage to speak up, stepping in Shura's way and raising her hands. "Please, Rin is injured! Can't it wait until-"

"He'll be fine," Shura stated, absently aiming a kick at Rin's midsection.

"Ow I just peed a little and now my wounds _buu~uuurn_!"

"See?" Shiemi stood her ground, fists clenched. "He needs-"

"Get lost, flat-chest." Shura snorted and pushed past the girl, lugging her catch after her. Shiemi gasped aloud in outrage.

"I am NOT flat!" She cried after the woman. "My breasts are at _least_…" She paused for a long moment as she stared down at her chest, studying and measuring before continuing. "…one THIRD the size of yours!"

"Christ! That's gotta be a C cup at least!" Rin muttered in awe before his head hit a rock. It didn't do much to him but the rock was really hurt.

A short distance away, Yukio had returned to the group of worried cram-school students, who stood clustered together, muttering and waiting for any kind of news.

"Sensei!" Izumo barked impatiently, glaring at Yukio as he walked up. "What on earth is going ON?"

"Yeah, what was all that noise?" Suguro joined in, frowning. Beside him, Shima's eyes suddenly narrowed, and he sniffed at the air experimentally.

"_I smell TITTIES_." He hissed out in a suspicious voice.

"Today's mission is over," Yukio declared to the group, attempting to calm them. "Go back to your dorms for the rest of the day. There is absolutely _nothing_ here to see-"

"_Heeeeelp meeeeee_!" Rin screeched out, desperately clawing at the ground as he was dragged passed the group, Shura gripping him by an ankle. "This crazy chick with ENORMO boobs is dragging me off to her lair to RAPE me!" He quieted for a moment, scraping along the ground in silence. "…On second thought don't help me."

"Goddamn you, Rin!" Shima snarled under his breath, watching the pair with ill-disguised jealousy. "I'll get you for this! You AND your big titties too! _EEEE-hee-hee-heee_!"

"Dude, what is WRONG with you?" Suguro asked, frowning at his friend with a disturbed expression.

"It's not fair! That should be ME, Bon!"

Shiemi suddenly dashed into view, scrambling after the retreating pair.

"Hey! Shiemi!" Izumo snapped out, waving a hand and catching her attention. "What's going on? Who IS that-"

"That _whore_ just said I was _flat_!" Shiemi cried, pointing at Shura's back.

"Oh, _please_!" Izumo snorted aloud. "Yours are…" There was another long pause as Izumo considered her own chest, frowning and cocking her head. "…_twice_ as big as mine, which means she pretty much called me _sunken_ chest. Let's get that bitch!" She cracked her knuckles with glee and lunged after her, only to be held back by the others.

"No, let her go! It'll be the cat-fight of the century!"

"Shut up and help me, Shima!"

"Where are you taking me?" Rin demanded, still being pulled across the grounds by Shura. "I'll have you know I prefer to be wined and dined before I'm EFFED!" He paused once more." Or you could just, you know, say 'please' or something."

"I'm taking you to the base," Shura explained, reaching a tall stone wall and dropping Rin's leg. "Yukio, open the door." Rin's twin brother appeared and stepped forward, holding a large ring of iron keys. Rin scowled at him.

"What is this, a three-way? Not that I mind, it's just the fanfics are bad enough as they are-"

"Don't make me shove this up your rectum," Yukio said dangerously, holding up a thick, rusted key.

"…You just gave a fangirl a PERFECT opener, I hope you know," Rin stated matter-of-factly. "And also, every time you say 'no', a fangirl dies."

"_Sideways_," Yukio added, glaring for measure. Rin's face paled and he fell silent. Satisfied, Yukio reached forward and unlocked the door before them. It creaked open to reveal an expansive stone room with a vaulted ceiling complete with many detailed arches and pillars. Shura caught Rin in a viscous head-lock before he could escape and hauled him into the strange chamber.

"This is the center of the Japanese Branch of the Order of True Cross," she explained, looking around and admiring the impressive room. "It was founded by-"

"…I'm sorry what was that?" Rin suddenly interrupted, face scrunched with confusion. "I couldn't hear anything due to a huge BOOB blocking my ear." He blinked. "Not that I mind, really."

"How would you like to be SMOTHERED to death?" Shura asked, glaring darkly at him. Rin stared up at her with an innocent expression.

"…Very much."

"Welcome, welcome!" A melodic voice casually intruded. The three turned to find Mephisto standing before them, dressed in a modest jacket and pants (I didn't even realize he _owned _any normal clothes!). He leered at Shura, grinning wickedly. "Long time no see, my dears!" Then he raised his gaze and blinked in surprise. "Oh, Shura, you're here too."

"Piss off, twinkle-toes." Shura snapped, in no mood for games.

"What's up, Mepphy?" Rin called, head still trapped in Shura's unbreakable grip. "All your tights dirty with glitter or something? _Bwahahaha_!"

"Ahahaha- _SHUT UP_!" Mephisto whipped a fistful of glitter into Rin's face, who sputtered and choked on the shimmering pixie dust.

"Mephisto, gimme a straight answer," Shura interrupted the charade, her tone serious. "Why did you hide the son of Satan?"

"…Have you _seen_ him?" Mephisto replied shortly. Shura frowned and glanced down at Rin, who was busy picking his nose with relish.

"Whuzz up, honey bunches of oats?"

"…Yeah I kinda see what you mean," Shura sighed in defeat. "Can't say I really blame you." She gave her head a shake, her ponytail swinging to and fro. "But still! Why didn't you report it to the Vatican?"

"…The line…was busy?" Mephisto tried weakly. "All those people PRAYING-"

"Christ, forget it." Shura's eyes suddenly became dark and dangerous, expression solemn. "One last question, Mephisto. Did Fujimoto have _anything_ to do with this case?"

"Don't be silly!" Mephisto scoffed, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. "Of COURSE not, he'd NEVER-"

"What are you guys talking about DAD for?" Rin butted in, still busy mining for brain gold.

"_Oh Godammit Rin_."

"By 'dad,', I mean 'Reverend Fujimoto'-"

"_FUCK RIN JUST STOP_."

"Okay, that's it. I'm gonna interrogate this little shit." Shura tightened her hold on Rin's windpipe and turned away. "I'm gonna use the Great Cell."

"Interrogate me?" Rin perked up. "Like whips n' chains and kinky shit?"

"Wait, Shura-" Yukio began, stepping forward.

"DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME, JACKASS!"

"This is official business, Yukio. Don't interfere." Shura pulled Rin away and began hauling him toward one of the large cell doors in the nearby wall. Rin flashed Yukio a thumbs-up and grinned. His brother simply groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"God help him that's a new pairing right there."

The huge door ground open and Rin was roughly shoved inside the cell, Shura following close behind. Gears churned as the door closed behind the woman, who stalked close, glaring at the boy. Rin stared back, face blank.

"…Be gentle."

"I am NOT having sex with you."

"…Be gentle."

"Shut up and listen!" Shura burst out, crossing her arms (which really didn't help any). "This might come as a surprise, but I was Reverend Fujimoto's apprentice! I grew up in a horrible place outside the range of reason, where I had to fight every day to survive…" She shuddered at the memory before continuing. "But then Fujimoto came. He _saved_ me from-"

"…Is your left breast _slightly_ larger than your right?" Rin suddenly asked aloud, cocking his head as he considered her chest. "Because I keep studying them and it seems that way-"

"WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF ABOUT MY BREASTS?"

"THEY'RE FREAKING _MELONS_, BITCH!"

"Okay, fine! FINE! Wanna touch them? Here you go!" Shura threw her arms into the air and jiggled invitingly.

"_Wheeee_!" Rin squealed with delight and rushed over, hands outstretched. Shura immediately spun away, snatching Rin's sword from his shoulder and hopping back several steps. "HEY!"

"Come on!" She taunted, waving the sword in the air and smirking. "Was this shit so cheap you'd let anyone take it?"

"No!" Rin shot back, incensed. "Not unless they asked REALLY nicely!" He paused. "Or let me touch their boobs."

"Not gonna happen, dipshit."

"That's not FAIR!" Blue flames burst free, cocooning Rin in their fury. Shura backed off and scowled, suddenly hit with an old memory of past days…

-_Flashbaaaack_!-

"_What_?" A younger Shura cried, sputtering in outrage. "You want me to take that little four-eyes as my pupil? No way! He's a brat!" She quieted for a moment. "Plus I'm _pretty_ sure he stole a pair of my heels."

"No, no! Not him!" Reverend Fujimoto pressed, pointing to the other small boy in the photo he held. "The OTHER one!"

"…You mean the one playing with dog poop?"

"I made him wash his hands right after."

"You can't be serious."

"Of course I am. Up to the elbows with anti-bacterial soap-"

"No! I mean about him becoming my pupil!"

"Oh." Fujimoto blinked. "Come on, he'll grow on you. He's a loveable idiot."

"Why me?" Shura demanded, pushing the photo of Yukio and Rin away and glaring at the Reverend. "Why should I become his teacher?"

"Because, Shura!" Fujimoto begged, eyes imploring over his dark glasses. "You're skilled with Demon Blades! You're the only one who can do this! The only one I can count on!"

"…Okay what's the REAL reason, old man?"

"I'm too cheap to hire a real teacher."

"You're not even gonna PAY me?" Shura whirled about on her heel and made to move away. "No freaking way!"

"No, wait! Please! I…I can pay you!" Fujimoto scrambled for his wallet, yanking it out of his back pocket and rummaging inside. "Here, I'll pay you in singles-"

"UGH! FORGET IT!" She stormed off down the hall, fuming.

Fujimoto slumped in defeat, sighing deeply and snapping his wallet closed. Suddenly Shura sidled back beside him, eyeing the wallet with a dark scowl.

"…How many singles?"

-End of _Flashbaaaaack_!-

Back in the Great Cell, Shura ground her teeth at the memory. Chanting softly under her breath, she raised a hand and pulled a gleaming sword from the strange symbol between her breasts.

"Holy SHIT you've got magic titties!" Rin gasped out, eyes wide with wonder. "Can you make a rabbit or some doves appear?"

"Oh yeah sure hold on lemme reach in and- ARE YOU AN _IDIOT_!"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Oh yeah right." Shura cleared her throat and leveled her sword at Rin's head. He tensed, confusion flickering over his features. "I was sent here from the Vatican with secret orders," she explained quietly. "I am authorized to kill-"

"The President?" Rin burst out, aghast.

"No! _You_!"

"…_I'm_ the President?"

"Oh Jesus Christ."

"Holy shit I'm Jesus _CHRIST_?"

"No," Shura replied, her voice calm and flat. "You're DEAD."

She struck like a viper.

Meanwhile, outside the Great Cell, Yukio stood with Mephisto, the two sitting in chair and enjoying a rather nice pot of tea and some tasty biscuits.

"So you're sure you don't want to save him?" Mephisto asked, dunking a biscuit into his steaming tea-cup.

"Oh heaven's NO." Yukio sat back and took a sip from his own cup. "I'm enjoying my tea too much. Plus he's kind of an asshole."

"_Gwaaagh_!" Rin's cries echoed from within the cell, followed by multiple loud crashes and thuds. "Ow! Ow! _OWWWW_!"

"Would you like cream or sugar?" Mephisto asked pleasantly, reaching over to the small table in front of them.

"Yukio! Oh God! Oh God! Help meeee!"

"Oh, sugar, please." Yukio replied, extending his cup.

"No! No not that! Please don't- _AUUUUGH_!"

"Here you go."

Rin's desperate cries had dissolved into forlorn sobbing.

"Thanks."

Back in the Great Cell, Rin was rolling on the floor in the unbearable agony, sobs wracking his body. Shura stood before him, resting her sword on her shoulder and scowling impatiently.

"Okay seriously you stubbed your toe," she stated with disgust. "Grow a pair."

"I am in critical condition here!" Rin shot back through his tears, clutching his injured foot. "I require mouth-to-mouth."

"How about sword-to-face?"

"How about penis-to-"

"Oh GOD Shiro what have you created?" Shura sighed and rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. "You stupid old fool…"

"HEY!" Rin suddenly sat up, face indignant, pain forgotten. "Don't you DARE talk bad about MY dad! Only _I_ can do that!" He took a deep breath and shouted aloud. "Eff you, dad! You're a horrible monster and I'm glad you're trapped in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity! Oh and by the way I'm talking to Shiro not my other asshole of a father." He paused for a long moment, blinking several times. "I'm sorry, dad, that one went a little too far."

"You…" Shura's expression softened, and she lowered her blade. "You loved Shiro…didn't you?"

"Fuck NO!" Rin spat, scowling at her. "I _hated_ that stupid old geezer! He made fun of me, he beat me up, he even played pranks on me! He made my life a living hell! YES I loved him! Gotta problem with that?" He crossed his arms and bunched his shoulders, waiting.

Shura simply threw her head back and laughed long and loud, shaking with mirth. She snapped her fingers, the huge cell door popping open and creaking wide.

"Shiro was right," she chuckled. "You ARE a loveable idiot."

"Yukio!" Rin cried, dashing out the exit. "Calm down, everything's alright! I know you were worried about me, but-" There was a short pause from outside. "Is that a fucking PICNIC?"

-Later-

"OH GOD THAT HURTS!" Rin screeched, twisting away from Yukio's grasp.

"Hold still!" Yukio snapped, snatching for him again. The two brothers were back in the True Cross Academy's medical ward, the younger attempting to treat the older's injuries from Amaimon with a small squirt-bottle filled with iodine.

"Why are your hands so cold?"

"Shut up! They are not!" Yukio huffed, shoving Rin back down onto the cot. "Now lift your arms or I'll get you in your eyes. By _accident_ this time."

"I thought you said last time was-"

"I LIED."

"I DON'T EVEN _KNOW_ YOU ANYMORE!"

The room fell silent as Rin sulked, Yukio spraying his wounds with the stinging medicine. Finally he glanced at his brother's pouting face and spoke up.

"So…what the hell happened in there? In the Great Cell? I heard a lot of screaming but didn't really care."

"I'm not quite sure what happened myself," Rin answered, frowning in confusion. "Either I DIDN'T score, or I have been grossly misled as to what sex is."

Yukio paused for a moment, staring at his brother, then sprayed him in the eyes. Amidst Rin's pterodactyl-like screeches and flailing, the door banged open, and Shura sauntered in, tossing a long wooden training sword at Rin. He barely managed to catch it and stared at the object, greatly displeased.

"The hell is this? This ain't food!" He glowered at Shura. "I can't eat this!" He paused, considering the weapon, eyebrow raised. "…Or CAN I?"

"That's for you to train with for now," Shura explained, adjusting Kurikara, which was slung over her shoulder. "I'll be keeping yours for a while."

"What?" Rin snarled, chewing at the wooden sword. "The hell are you gonna use mine for? A new STRIPPER pole?"

"Of course not." Shura snorted and tossed her hair. "I'm gonna shave my legs with it."

"_NOOOO_! You witch!"

"Keep complaining and I'll shave yours, too."

"_Waaay_ ahead of you." Rin raised a foot and pulled up his pant-leg, revealing silky smooth skin below. He glanced over at Yukio. "You can touch it if you want. I know you do."

Yukio sprayed him in the eyes again.

-Late That Night…-

Night had fallen over True Cross Academy. Shura sat in Mephisto's cluttered office, reclining in a plush chair across from the man's wide wooden desk. The two were deep in conversation.

"I'll continue watching over Rin Okumura," Shura was saying, relaxing in her seat. "So I'll be staying here for a while. Find a job for me." Mephisto leaned forward, leering at the woman over his interlocked fingers.

"Oh, but of course! I'm delighted to welcome such a renowned Exorcist! It's a pleasure to have you work for me!" Mephisto grinned at her, then raised his eyes and blinked. "Oh. And you too, Shura."

"OKAY FUCK YOU." Shura stood up to leave, pausing to glare over her shoulder at the offending man. "Don't forget. You're a Demon. The higher-ups don't trust you." Her eyes narrowed with sudden suspicion. "Just what are you up to, hmmm?" She slowly began backing out of the room, eyes locked on Mephisto. Nearing the exit, she stumbled over the rug, bumped into a table, and slid out the door, taking one final peek before closing it behind her. Mephisto sat at his desk, a frown marring his features as he mulled over the comments, wondering what-

"Brother!" Amaimon suddenly called from the other room. "Glee is on!"

"What? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Mephisto leapt from his desk, knocking his chair over and scrambling for the door. "I almost missed Mercedes putting her STANK on it!"

Meanwhile, Rin sat atop the True Cross Academy, perched on one of the high steeples of the school building. He stared out at the dark night sky, brooding or just on screensaver, it's kinda hard to tell. Kuro scrabbled up beside him, tails swishing, and climbed up his shoulder, mewling plaintively.

_Rin! What are you doing so late at night_?

"Eh, nothing much." Rin shrugged at his familiar, then grinned wickedly. "Hey, watch this." He leaned forward over the roof's edge, snorted deep, and hawked a loogie, spitting it into the darkness below. A long silence followed until…

SPLAT!

"_Euuuuugh_!"

"Target destroyed." Rin winked at the small two-tailed cat.

_You really need a better hobby_.

"Yeah probably." Rin sat back, breathing deep and letting it out in a long sigh. As the night's calm returned once more, long-lost memories were recalled…of him and his father…

-Another _Flashbaaaaack_!-

"_RAAAAAAAAAGGGH_!" Rin was having a tantrum at day-care, screaming wildly, throwing toys and books. Reverend Fujimoto stood before his son, attempting to calm his inner hell-fire whilst the other workers cowered in fear. Scattered dolls and broken toys littered the floor, victims of Rin's rage.

"Rin! Calm down!" Fujimoto barked, dodging a copy of Mary Had a Little Lamb. "If you do, I will take you to McDonalds! What happened? Why did you beat up the other kids?"

"It's their fault! Not mine!" Rin shouted back, stomping his feet. "They called me a Demon and made fun of me! I'm not! I'm NOT a Demon!"

"…What's that on your hands?" Fujimoto asked, pointing. Rin frowned and looked down at them.

"Poop?"

"No. The red stuff."

"Oh. Blood."  
>"What's that on the carpet?"<p>

"More poop?"

"THE RED STUFF, RIN. FOCUS."

"Blood." Rin paused. "And teeth."

"What's that smell?"

"Urine." Rin frowned. "Wait isn't that normal for me?"

"It's not yours, Rin."

"Oh." Rin slumped. "Okay maybe I'm a LITTLE bit of a Demon."

"Rin, it's okay…" Shiro knelt toward his small son, arms spread wide. "Come here, it's gonna be okay…" Rin's eyes widened, and he trembled, sniffling.

"D…daddy?"

"FATHERLY HEADLOCK OF LOVE!"

"_GWAAAAUGH_!" Rin choked, thrashing in his father's deadly grip. "I'll never trust you again, you asshole!" He balled up a tiny fist and slugged his father in the stomach.

"Oh, please!" Fujimoto laughed. "You seriously think you can hurt-"

*_THWACK_!*

"Okay that one hurt a little." Fujimoto slumped onto Rin, who gasped and froze, realizing what he'd done.

"D…dad? Are you…?"

"Listen, Rin," Fujimoto coughed out, struggling to remain conscious. He weakly lifted his head and stared into his son's eyes. "If you keep this up, you'll be all alone and-"

"Uh, Dad, you're bleeding a little," Rin stated, pointing at the blood leaking out of Fujimoto's mouth. The man frowned and plowed ahead.

"Shut up and listen to me, Rin. You gotta change so that-"

"Seriously, dad, it's, like, GUSHING-"

"DAMMIT RIN I AM TRYING TO TEACH YOU A LIFE LESSON AND YOU WON'T-"

And then he fainted.

Several minutes and one awkward phone call later, the ambulance arrived and began loading the battered Reverend into the back. Fujimoto grimaced in pain, reclining on a gurney.

"Dad!" Rin called, standing to the side. Tears gleamed is his eyes as guilt threatened to drown him.

"Don't worry about it!" Fujimoto called back, waving back at him. "I'm fine, Rin!"

"B-but Dad, I hit you and-"

"-broke three of your ribs." A paramedic stated, scribbling down notes beside the injured man. "_And_ he ruptured your spleen too. This is your new stomach." He held up a small plastic bag.

"OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Rin wailed aloud, tearing at his hair. Fujimoto leaned up on one elbow and punched the paramedic out.

-End of _Flashbaaaaack_!-

Rin lifted his head into the cool night breeze, smiling at the warm memory. Kuro looked up at him, purring with delight. Rin laughed.

"I'll definitely become a cool adult like dad! Come on, Kuro! Let's play!" He cried, standing up and brandishing his wooden blade. Kuro meowed in agreement, bouncing up and down excitedly.

_Yeah! Let's play!_ With a puff of smoke, he transformed into his natural Cat Sith form, a larger version of himself with twin horns. Together, the pair leapt off the building into the empty space beyond, crowing aloud in exaltation.

"OH SHIT THIS IS SO MUCH HIGHER THAN I THOUGHT CATCH ME KURO CATCH ME CATCH ME!"

-The Next Morning-

The students all sat in class, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their teacher, chatting and muttering amongst themselves. Several long minutes passed until finally the door smashed open, Shura striding in, clad in her patented revealing clothes. Reaching the front of the classroom, she hopped atop the desk and lay seductively amongst the papers and pencils.

Shima raised his hand.

"Yes?" Shura asked in a bored voice. Shima stood up.

"Thank you. Thank you for that."

Then he sat back down.

"You're welcome." Shura replied, then looked out amongst the students. "Let's see. Is everyone-" Suddenly the door creaked open and Rin stumbled in, covered in scrapes and bruises.

"Sorry. Sorry I'm late," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and wincing. "I had to wash my pants- I mean…yeah, I had to wash my pants. They were full of pee again." He shrugged and sat down. All the other students rolled their eyes and accepted it as perfectly normal.

"Sensei?" Izumo's hand shot up, and she narrowed her eyes at Shura lounging on the tabletop. "Why isn't Professor Nehaus here? Why was he sent away?"

"Maternity leave," Shura promptly stated. "He's due in, like, a week."

"Nehaus is a MAN!" Izumo protested.

"So? He didn't use protection." Shura gazed at the students, face serious. "Let this be a lesson to you all."

"Ma'am?" Rin meekly raised his hand. "I think I might be pregnant." He paused for a moment. "It's _Suguro's_."

"NOT ON YOUR LIFE!" Suguro roared, flinging a chair at him.

"Okay, okay, settle down," Shura chided, sitting up. "Look, Nehaus won't be here for a while, so I'm filling in for him. Rin, take out your homework and read what you had for question two." Rin climbed to his feet, smirking with confidence as he pulled back his unruly fringe with a hair clip.

"I'll do it…" He thought to himself, eyes burning, brimming with determination. "I'll do it to become a Paladin…I'll do anything!"

He glanced down at his book and froze.

"Oh shit I didn't do my homework."

-Episode 13 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Yaaaay halfway kay bye. Review, please! Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: New one y'all! I'm actually on time! Getting' closer to the end, little by little! Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 14

A Fun Camp

Rin strolled out the front doors and skipped down the steps of True Cross Academy, grinning from ear to ear and beaming with delight. He drew a deep breath into his lungs and let it out in one long, happy sigh.

"The first semester's finally over!" He declared aloud, hopping down another step.

"_Rin get the hell back here you have detention_-" A teacher snapped testily, storming out after Rin and grabbing his arm. Rin calmly turned, punched the man between the eyes, and continued down the stairs as the man slumped over backward, gurgling in pain.

"_Finally_ over," he repeated with relish, savoring the precious moment. "I'm FINALLY free of that horrible place, trapped with all those STUPID idio-"

"Hey, Rin! What's up?"

Rin froze, then every so slowly swiveled his head to find Suguro, Shima, and Konekomaru standing behind him expectantly. He gulped, eyes snapping from one face to another, mind racing.

"_Hhhhheeeey_, guyyyys…" Rin greeted as innocently as he could, his smile returning with a nervous tick. "TOTALLY wasn't talking about you all. LOVE you assholes." He paused, blinking. "Except you, Konekomaru. You're a _little_ annoying."

"Why do you keep SAYING that?"

"So!" Rin quickly changed the subject, gesturing to the street, where other students were busy being picked up on the curb by taxis and cheerful relatives. "You guys heading home, too?" He stared soulfully into Suguro's eyes. "You're welcome to stay." Suguro gazed back, expression blank. "In my bed." His expression didn't change. "As my LOVER-"

Suguro violently head-butted him.

"Well I saw that coming a _mile_ away," Shima snorted to himself. "But to answer your question, yeah we BREASTS." He suddenly did an about-face and wandered away, drawn off to the side of the building where Izumo and Paku stood next to an idling car, in the middle of heart-felt goodbyes.

"Aaaand we've lost him," Konekomaru sighed. Suguro shrugged and followed, dragging Rin along for the hell of it.

"Don't worry," Paku was telling Izumo, holding her friend's hand tightly. "I'll write and call you when I can, and send you rough drafts of my fanfics-"

"Uh, you really don't have to-"

"You're leaving us, Paku?" Shima cried in despair, interrupting the girls. "Dammit! You were my one chance at a three-way with Izu-"

Izumo's glare could have skinned a baby seal with one glance.

"_Myself_," he finished. "But anyway, if you find yourself feeling lonely, just gimme a call!" He winked and handed Paku a small pink card emblazoned with his cell number and pimp name, MC Shuga-Nuts.

"Can I have one?" Rin asked, rubbing his bruised forehead. Shima stared at him for a long moment, looked him up and down, sighed in defeat, and finally handed him one.

"_Score_!" Rin cried, pumping a fist in the air. He quickly pulled out his phone and began to dial.

"Not NOW, you idiot!"

"Oh GOD just GO before you catch their stupid." Izumo shoved her friend into the car, slammed the door shut and started pushing the vehicle down the road. "Go! Save yourself! _I won't let them take you_!"

After most of the normal students had departed, the cram-school students (a.k.a. Exwires) were hustled off to another area behind the school, where a long red bus sat waiting. Yukio stood at the head of the line, clearing his throat and raising his voice for all to hear.

"Listen up, everyone! You Exwires will now take part in-"

"Wo-_hooooooo_! Spring _Breaaaak_!" Rin cheered from the back. "I am gonna get SOOO wasted!"

"No, Rin, " Yukio corrected. "We're going to a three-day training camp in the woods where you will experience hell. Shura here will be supervising you all."

"Sup?" Shura strutted over, as inappropriately dressed as ever.

"Alright! Now it really IS spring break!" Shima joined in, throwing his hands up. "She's bringing the titties!"

Shura promptly socked him in the jaw.

"Let the hell begin." She smirked, cracking her knuckles.

-Later-

After a long bus ride of pain and misery (courtesy of one Rin Okumura), the students were thrown off at the edge of a large, flourishing green forest. They gaped at the magnificent sight of the beauty of nature for several moments before Rin threw down a candy wrapper and ruined it all. The group began hiking into the woods, burdened with heavy backpacks and the intense summer heat.

Towards the back of the line, Rin suddenly dropped to the ground, rolled, and began crawling through the dirt, ducking behind several bushes and peeking out suspiciously.

"Okay, guys. Safe to say, we're out of water," he whispered as the others ogled in confusion. "Time to drink my own urine."

"I knew I never should have let you watch Man vs Wild," Yukio muttered to himself, shaking his head. "Bear Griles is a _horrible_ influence."

"Eh, more for me, then." Rin shrugged and took a swig from his water bottle, which was filled with a golden-yellow liquid.

"OH DEAR LORD THAT ISN'T-"

"Calm down, Yukio," Rin snorted, rolling his eyes. "It's apple juice."

"Oh." Yukio relaxed, then accepted the bottle and took a sip.

"With a _little_ bit of pee in it."

Yukio spat his mouthful of apPEE juice all over Rin's face.

The other students, used to these kinds of stupid exchanges, ignored them, talking to one another excitedly. Shima chuckled quietly, rubbing his chin and fantasizing about things to come.

"This camp will be legendary!" He whispered to himself, eyes gleaming. "In the evening we'll have s'mores and make love down by the fire-"

"There's a spider on your face," Rin stated matter-of-factly.

Shima immediately punched himself in the face as hard as he could.

"_Wow_." Rin blinked, watching Shima try to stem the blood flow from his bruised nostrils. "He either really hates bugs…or _himself_."

"I think there's a hotline for that," Konekomaru commented off to the side.

"This forest is peaceful during the day," Yukio informed students as they resumed their hike along the trail. "However, during the night, it's swarming with minor Demons…and rapists."

"Well _I'll_ certainly feel at home," Shima muttered, some toilet-paper stuffed up his nostrils.

"Come on, you wusses! Walk faster!" Shura snapped from the rear, shoving at the students. "Slowest one has to wear a pair of my heels for the rest of the hike! And I _see_ you slowing down, Yukio, you don't count!" Yukio glared back at the woman, then noticed her lack of a bag.

"Where's your pack, Shura?" He asked suspiciously.

"Oh please, like I'm gonna haul that shit around? I already gotta lug thirty pounds on my FRONT!" She snorted and nodded her messy head toward the others. "I made the idiot carry it for me."

"…Okay _which_ idiot, you have to be more specific, there are so many-"

"So you said I can cop a feel if I carry this for you, right?" Rin butted in, shouldering two large packs on his back.

"RIN PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

"QUIT RUINING SHIT FOR ME, YUKIO!"

"Man, Rin has got some…DEMONIC strength," Shima stated wryly. "Ahh? _AHHHH_?" No-one responded. "I hate you all."

Finally the group of students reached a large, empty clearing that was suitable for a camp-ground. Everyone set down their packs as Yukio gathered the students around him and began issuing orders.

"Okay, boys, you help me set up the tents, while you girls set up the magic circle and prepare dinner."

"What the hell kind of sexist BULLSHIT is-" Izumo began.

"The boys also have to clean out the lavatories," Yukio added.

"Let's get cookin', girls!" Izumo cried, clapping her hands together and rolling up her sleeves. "Come on!"

The boys paired off into groups of two and began to erect (*_Snort_*) tents for temporary sleeping quarters. Rin and Suguro (naturally) worked together to set up their own modest tent. Rin really wasn't helping much.

"And this will be our eff-tent and inside we will make love so _powerful_-" Rin was saying. Suguro suddenly whipped out a small lighter and unceremoniously set the tent ablaze. Rin stared blankly at the flames for a moment. "Yeah kinda like that, hot and passionate, just not with the unnecessary personal destruction." He paused, frowning. "Seriously, this tent probably cost, like, _thirty_ bucks."

As the boys were kept busy with their own agenda, Shura sauntered to the camp's edge to see how the girls were doing with the painting of the magic symbol. She stopped in her tracks and stared at the ground, confused.

"…Why the fuck is it a huge smiley face?" She said aloud, frowning. Then it hit her. "SHIEMI!"

"What?" Shiemi asked innocently, holding a paintbrush. "Izumo wanted to paint a frownie face, but I stopped her!"

"What the hell is protecting us, then?" Shura snapped, glowering at her. Shiemi thought for a moment.

"…The power of love?"

Rin and Suguro had abandoned the charred remains of their eff-tent and were now working on building up a suitable campfire. Suguro fed the flames small pieces of wood while Rin, again, wasn't helping.

"This fire is a symbol of our love. Our burning desire for- DON'T _PISS_ ON IT!"

Needless to say the boys kicked Rin out of the group and he was forced to join the girls. He wandered over to the make-shift kitchen, where he stopped for a moment and watched the girls attempt to make curry, struggling to understand the complex directions and nicking themselves on the cutlery. Finally he'd seen enough.

"Gawd, you girls sure you _have_ vaginas? Here, let ME handle it," Rin stepped forward, rolling his eyes at them. "Izumo I wasn't so sure about you anyway." She immediately lunged at him with a knife, which Rin easily caught and took from her. "Why, _thank_ you!" He then stepped over to the counter and began to cook, expertly chopping vegetables and setting water to boil. "Okay, now I need one of y'all to pretend to be Chef Gordon Ramsay and yell at me."

"_Ohh_! I'll do it! Me me me!" Suguro rushed over, waving his arm in the air. Like hell he was going to miss a chance to yell at Rin for no apparent reason. He took a deep breath and began to hurl stinging insults at him with a British accent. "You piece of shit! What is that? It's disgusting! Do it again!"

"Yes, Chef! Right away, Chef!" Rin hurried to obey, hustling around the small kitchen.

"Hurry up! Everyone's waiting, you wanker! Fuck off!

"Yes, Chef! Absolutely, Chef! Oh, _yeaaaah_, yell at me _louder_, Chef!"

"Fuck this I'm out." Suguro turned and walked away.

"But I was almost _there_!" Rin called after him.

Once the meal was prepared, everyone sat around the crackling campfire and dug in. Cries and exclamations of surprise and delight rose from the students, in awe at Rin's one and only talent (well, that, and the male dancing from the first episode).

"Wow! This curry is really good!" Shima slurred around a mouthful.

"Damn! You're a good cook!" Izumo reluctantly agreed. "I suppose I'll let you live for now."

"I'd make a good wife, huh?" Rin said to Suguro, fluttering his eyelashes. Suguro stared back at him as blankly as before.

"You gonna make me piss on something again?" He ground out dangerously. Rin quickly turned away to hide his tears, then glanced at his fellow class-mates smiling face one by one. Heard their laughter and jokes. Rin watched them in silence.

"Huh. I've never felt like this before…" he thought to himself. "I see now…I was always skipping school, so I missed things like this. Is this what it's like…to have _friends_?"

"Hey, Rin!" Suguro called from the cooler. "What do you want to drink?" Rin smiled.

"A nice tall glass of YOU-" A can on Pepsi promptly hit him in the face. "_Ow fuck it's so crisp_-" He popped the can open with a hiss and took a deep swig. "…_Reaaally_ wasn't missing much. I think I'll skip next time."

"I'm glad Rin is having fun," Shiemi said quietly, chuckling to herself. Beside her, Yukio smiled and nodded in agreement.

"You've really been paying attention to him," he commented, glancing over at her. She gazed at him, eyes wide with rapture (or rather, RAPEture).

"Oh, don't worry," she told him. "You're still my number one, boo."

As dusk fell over the campgrounds and everyone finished off their supper, Yukio stood and began to address the students, briefing them on what was to come later that night.

"Alright, everyone, listen and I'll tell you-"

"Take off your pants!" Shura suddenly hollered from the back, waving her arms in the air. Several empty beer cans lay scattered around her. "Come on, we all know you got tights on under there!"

"Hey! She said she's eighteen!" Suguro cried in outrage, pointing. "She can't drink, she's a minor!"

"What are you talking about, _eighteen_?" Yukio frowned at him. "This year she turns forty-"

*_Thunk_!*

A beer can suddenly smacked him in the head. Yukio blinked.

"…Thirty-"

*_Thunk_!*

"…Twenty-"

A bikini-top fluttered through the air and settled on Yukio's head.

"I'll take it!" Shura crowed, laughing wildly.

"Oh my God, dude," Shima whispered, leaning close to Rin. "That chick is SO HOT!" Rin scowled and glanced over at Shura, who let out a reverberating belch, then smashed her empty beer can flat on her forehead.

"…Yeeeah, she's _breath-taking_."

"Okay enough!" Yukio exploded, losing his patience. "Tonight you will all go light the lanterns that are hidden in the forest and bring it back to camp. There are three lamps, so that means three permissions. Only then will you Exwires be allowed to participate in missions. You will all have these survival packs filled with the necessary supplies and tools you'll need." He held up a small pack and shook it. "Any questions?"

Rin raised his hand.

"Oh dear God."

"When do we start killing each other?" Rin asked innocently, hand still in the air.

"We don't kill each other, Rin," Yukio ground out, cradling his head in one hand. "This _isn't_ the Hunger Games."

"_Awww_!" Rin whined. "But I wanna have a completely inappropriate love-triangle during a survival-horror fight to the death against other teenagers!" He paused, considering the other students. "We all know Battle Royale did it first, ammiright?"

"Oi. Rin." Shura sidled up to the boy, throwing an arm around his neck and dragging him aside. "I need to talk to you. It's important."

"It's not mine," Rin immediately said. Shura stared at him for a long moment before purging the offending information from her brain.

"Listen, kid," she leaned close, whispering in his ear. "Don't use your flames out there. If others find out you have the powers of Satan, then Arch Knights, the Paladin, and who knows what will come to hunt you down." Rin gasped.

"Even…Dog the Bounty Hunter?" he asks in a hushed whisper. "I wanna talk to him about Jesus!"

"Rin, that's isn't-"

"Go with God, brother."

"RIN! Just…promise me you won't use your flames, okay?"

"Okay." Rin nodded. "Scout's honor."

"Good." Shura smiled. "I knew I could count on you." Rin smiled back.

"Huh. Guess you're not such a bi-"

And then she puked on him.

"_EEUUUUUUGH_! You WHORE!"

After getting hosed off, Rin and the other students prepared to depart, each receiving a bag of provisions and a flashlight to deter the rapists- er, minor Demons. They muttered to one another, mulling over the fact that there were only three lanterns, and three permissions.

"No helping one another," Suguro sighed, flicking on his flashlight. "Why do I find that so easy to do?"

"Bon, this training is designed to pit us against each other," Konekomaru added, hefting his bag.

"Nonsense!" Rin laughed, patting his shoulder. He stared at him for several moments, then suddenly punched the small boy out, snatching up his glasses and clutching them close. "The fire is mine, bitches! _Peetaaaaaa_!" He turned and began running off toward the woods.

"Will someone PLEASE tell him this ISN'T the Hunger Games!" Yukio shouted in exasperation.

Rin was forced to give Konekomaru back his glasses along with an apology (emphases on 'forced'), and the students lined up around the campsite's perimeter, readying themselves for the challenge ahead. Shiemi glanced down at the magic circle beneath her feet and smiled.

"See, _now_ it's a frownie face, because we're leaving!"

"Godammit, Shiemi!"

"Go sleep it off, Shura!" Yukio snapped, pulling out his gun. He raised it in the air and took a breath. "Everyone, ready…set…GO!"

*_BLAM_!*

"_GWAUUUGH_!" Rin shrieked in pain, stumbling to the ground. "The FUCK, Yukio?" He glared up at his brother and jabbed a finger at his injured leg where he'd been shot. "The FUCK?"

"Sorry. Instinct." Yukio stated, then took aim between the eyes. "Now hold still while I put you out of your misery."

"_Eep_!" With that, Rin was up and scurrying toward the trees like a frightened animal, the other students doing the same. Everyone crashed into the foliage, struggling through bushes and branches, flashlights swinging, searching for the lamps. Swarms of dark moths suddenly blotted Rin's vision, fluttering in his face and nipping at his fingers. "Aaagh! No! Get off!" Rin attempted to beat them back in vain. His mind raced furiously. "Crap! What did Yukio say…?"

-Several Minutes Earlier…-

Yukio stood with the students gathered around him in camp, still briefing them on their upcoming trial. He held up a small book of matches and several thin fireworks.

"If you get in trouble," he was saying, "use these Demon-Repelling Fireworks, and one of us will come to save-"

*_PsssshhUUUUUUUuuuuuu…POP_!*

"RIN YOU DON'T FUCKING GET ANOTHER."

"I was just trying it out!"

"Why is there only one match?" Izumo asked, holding up her book of matches, which indeed had only one single match.

"If you light the firework, then you can't light the lamp," Yukio explained patiently. "Think about it carefully before you use it."

"…What if I want a cigarette?" Rin asked, throwing his hand up.

"Rin, _I_ will light it for you," Yukio stated bluntly. "Anything to kill you faster."

-Back to the Present-

"Christ, what an _asshole_!" Rin burst out, dashing through the trees. "That didn't help jack-shit! NOW what do I do?"

"_Eeeeeek_!" A shriek suddenly cut through the night air, bringing Rin to a screeching halt.

"Shiemi? No! The rapists got her! Now she's ruined!" He paused, frowning. "Or…broken in." He paused again. "I'm pretty sure I've offended just about everyone and lost Dilly-Oh about half her viewers. But anyway!" He turned and ran toward the sound, crashing through branches and leaves until he found Shiemi collapsed on the ground, covered in a blanket of hungry moths. "Oh thank God it was rapists- get AWAY!"

Blue flames were summoned forth, lighting the darkness with their brilliance and crumbling the moths away in their fierce heat. They also burned Shiemi, and she went up like a gasoline-soaked towel.

"Oh shit Shiemi sorry! Hurry, stop, drop, and roll!" Rin cried. Shiemi didn't move. "Well if you're not even gonna TRY- oh wait she's unconscious." Rin frowned. "…Should I pee on her?" He began undoing his belt.

"Rin, I head some-" Suguro struggled through the nearby bushes, freezing at the sight of Rin lowering his pants. Rin stared back at him, eyes wide.

"…Swear to God it was the rapists. Not me," he whispered. "…It mighta been Shima, too."

"Why is she on fire?" Suguro asked suspiciously. Rin gulped.

"It…was…that…good?" He tried lamely. "Just _help_ me!" Together the two managed to quell the flames and gently laid Shiemi out on the ground.

"She okay?" Suguro asked, worry creasing his brow.

"Yeah, I think-" Rin began, then broke off, staring at Suguro. "Hold on a second…we're supposed to be killing one another! Die!" He lunged at Suguro, who angrily shoved him back.

"RIN THIS _ISN'T_ THE HUNGER GAMES!" He roared. "WE DON'T HAVE TO KILL EACH OTHER!" He paused, frowning. "Although it's REALLY tempting right now.

"…Oh." Rin deflated. "So I'm not the Mockingjay?"

"Don't even get me started on what you're not. Just turn off your light!" Suguro growled, pointing. "It's attracting those Demon moths."

Rin was staring directly into the light, eyes wide and mouth slack, drool dribbling down his chin. Suguro slowly reached over and snapped the flashlight off. Rin blinked owlishly and glanced around in confusion.

"Whoa what's going on what'd I miss?"

"Where'd those blue flames come from, anyway?" Suguro asked, scowling. "They were too bright, I couldn't see-"

"Hey, look! Shiemi's up!" Rin suddenly cried, grabbing the girl by the waist and hoisting her upright. She sagged like a sack of potatoes, limp and pale. Suguro frowned.

"…No she's not."

*_Smack_!*

"Ow! Whuzz goin' on?"

"Yes she is."

"Huh?" Shiemi blinked open her eyes, wincing in pain and seeing the boys. Her eyes narrowed in disapproval. "Neither of you are Yukio."

"Eh." Rin shrugged. "If you close your eyes you probably couldn't tell the difference-"

"My precious?" A voice hissed from the shadows. Shima crawled out from beneath a bush and blinked at the group. "Oh. It's just you assholes. I was attracted by the sound of a girl screaming."

"The hell happened to you?" Suguro asked, raising a brow at the boy's disheveled appearance.

"I think I got raped."

*_Bling_!*

"Hmm?" Suguro and Shima both rifled for their phones, pulling them out and flicking them on.

"Uh, is this really the time to-" Shiemi began, sitting up.

"LOLOMG-" Rin sputtered, typing away on his own phone. "Hold on I'm gonna take a pic of my junk-"

"It's a text from Konekomaru," Suguro explained, holding up his phone. "He says he found a lantern, and wants us to come. Let's go see what he wants."

"…I got an ad for a penis enlargement," Shima stated. "Not that I need it." Suddenly his phone *_bling*_ed again. "Wait hold on here's one from Rin- OH SICK WHAT THE FUCK-"

"You're welcome."

-Elsewhere in the Forest-

"Aaaaand _time_!" Shura cried, clicking a stopwatch. She grinned over her shoulder at Yukio, who stood there crossing his arms grumpily. "Wow! He used his flames in a record eight seconds! Talk about useless!" She laughed and chugged back another beer.

"Oh, you wanna talk about useless?" Yukio snapped, glaring. "What are you here for besides _fan-service_? What are you even _doing_ here?"

"…Getting buzzed?"

Several hundred feet away, Mephisto and his equally Demonic brother Amaimon sat perched in trees, watching the campsite with malicious intent. Amaimon absently chewed on his nails, scowling at the faraway campers.

"She knows we're here," he muttered around his fingers.

"Amaimon, have you said hello to the King of the Forest yet?" Mephisto asked his brother.

"Oh, yes, of course," he answered with a sharp nod. "I slaughtered most of its kin, then urinated on their scattered remains."

"…Good to know you still have your manners."

"That woman also has Kurikara, the Demon-Slaying Blade," Amaimon observed, raising his head. "I wonder…how should I make that boy mad?"

"In my experience, hit on him," Mephisto suggested airily. "He'll either become furious or give you his number."

"…What did-"

"HE PUNCHED ME IN THE DICK."

-Back with the Others!-

Rin and the others had made their way to the forest to find Konekomaru waiting for them. Now he stood with the other students, gaping at the enormous stone lantern seated on a pedestal before them.

"It's huge!" Shima gasped.

"It's gigantic!" Suguro agreed.

"It's ADORABLE!" Rin squealed. "Can I light it? Please please please?"

"No, stop!" Suguro reached out and pulled him back. "It's a Peg Lantern, stupid. A Demon. It'll eat you the moment you light it." He went silent for a moment. "Why the fuck did I just warn you?"

"…It's still adorable."

"That's why this mission requires cooperation," Konekomaru explained, standing next to the lantern. "There's no way to move it on your own."

"I see what you mean." Suguro nodded and glanced around at the others. "Does anyone know Izumo's number?"

"I asked her for it a bunch of times," Shima replied, "but she told me the only number she'd ever give me is the number of times she stabs me in the balls." He paused. "It was twenty-eight."

"_What_?" Rin cried. "Mine was only twenty-three! Luh-_KEY_!"

"Alright, I think I have an idea of how we can do this," Konekomaru suggested. The others gathered round as he began explaining. "First, we light the lantern, I seal it with a charm so it can't move, Shiemi feeds it moths to keep it lit, Shima and Suguro will chant to keep us safe, and Rin pulls the lantern along in a cart back to camp. Any questions?"

"Just one." Rin held up his hand. "Where'd we get the cart from?"

There was a long, awkward pause.

"…You ruin _everything_."

"I'M JUST ASKING IT LIKE MAGICALLY APPEARS."

"You can see it in the first shot of the lantern, dumbass!"

"Oh like I'm supposed to see that in the one-second clip-"

_ *PsssshhhhhHHHHHUUUuuu…POP!*_

A Demon-Repelling firework suddenly lit the night sky in an array of vivid colors.

"…Wasn't me this time, swear to God," Rin stated.

Back in the camp, Yukio jumped to his feet, eyes on the fading firework.

"Shura! That's the signal! We need to-" Shura was passed out over by the fire. "Godammit never mind I'll do it." He snatched up a beer and stomped off into the woods. "I'm _taking_ one."

Rin and the others were making progress though the forest, Konekomaru's plan working perfectly. However, they were soon forced to grind to a halt at the edge of a small stream, across which spanned a stringy, dilapidated bridge and splintered wooden arches. Rin stepped away from the cart and leaned over the edge to get a better look at the stream's brown waters.

"Christ, who shit in the- oh those are all _bugs_."

Shima make a choking sound and went completely still, eyes locked on the roiling mass of bugs crawling over each other in the river-bed.

"I now know what it feels like to be you," he whispered in a tiny voice. Rin nodded his head.

"Pissed your pants, didn't you?"

"It feels warm and itchy."

"What'll we do now?" Konekomaru wondered aloud in despair. Suguro suddenly waved the others over, using gestures and sign-language to show what he wanted to communicate, as he was busy chanting to keep the Demon moths at bay. Rin squealed with delight.

"Ooh! Oooh! It's _Charades_!" he clapped his hands excitedly. "Okay! Act it out! Three words! I…love…Rin! I GOT IT!"

Suguro flipped him off.

"…Okay that's two words, man."

"You want us…" Konekomaru translated as Suguro quickly drew down his plan on a scrap piece of paper, "to use Shiemi as bait…and get the lantern…to cross the stream itself?" Suguro nodded. He pointed at Shima. "And you want Shima to carry her over?"

"There's only one problem," Shima interrupted, his voice strangely pleasant. The others turned to look at him. "I would rather become celibate for the remainder of my lifetime than wade through that river of bugs."

"Yeah, but," Rin frowned, thinking hard, "you'd have Shiemi's thighs around your head, so wouldn't you at least die happy?" Shima stared at him blankly.

"Including _masturbation_," he added in a harsh whisper.

"Shit, he is _serious_," Rin threw his hands up in defeat. "Fine! I'll do it. Come here, sweetheart." He hoisted the protesting girl up onto his shoulders, where she whimpered and clung to his head, trying to maintain her balance. "Don't blame me if I get a boner."

"_RIN_!"

"What? I'm just saying! I'm a healthy horny boy!" Rolling his eyes, he stepped into the stream of bugs, sloshing up to his knees in the disgusting swarm. At the edge, Suguro removed the seal, the Peg Lantern instantly coming alive and catching sight of Rin and Shiemi. It immediately leapt down and began dashing forward through the makeshift waters. "Shit, here it comes!" Rin hurried across, the lantern drawing close, and just as he reached the other side, he tossed Shiemi off his shoulders into…

The bugs.

"Damn I gotta work on my pitch. Ba-DUM-_CHING_!"

"Rin, run!" Konekomaru called from the nearby edge. "_You're_ the one the lantern's after!"

"Huh?" Rin turned to find the lantern bearing down on him, completely ignoring the submerged Shiemi. "Why thank you. _AUUUUUUUGGGHHH_!" He scrambled the rest of the way through the bugs, then hauled himself over the edge just as the lantern crashed beside him and was sealed once again by the fast-acting Konekomaru.

"Phew! That was close!" The bespectacled boy breathed a sigh of relief.

"Easy for you to say!" Rin snapped. "I almost got raped by a fucking lantern!"

"Oh _ew ew ew_-" Shima was gagging noisily, pulling Shiemi up out of the bugs. "I am never gonna want to screw you again!" He paused, thinking hard. "Yes I will- no I won't- yes I will."

"Well, we did it guys!" Rin cheered, standing up and dusting himself off. "We got the lantern across! Now, for no apparent reason, I am going to lean my full body weight against this old crumbling wooden arch that serves as the delicate seal to an ancient and blood-thirsty Demon!"

"Uh, Rin," Konekomaru began, "I don't think that's a good-"

"Nonsense!" Rin cried, reaching out a hand and leaning on the post.

*_CRACK_!*

The wooden arch immediately collapsed into a splintered pile of rubble. Rin and the others stared at it in silence.

"See, everything's allri-"

"_SKREEEEEE_!" Suddenly an enormous Demon moth with glowing eyes and glittering wings burst up out of the bugs, tendrils snapping out and grabbing hold of Rin, hoisting him into the air and shaking him about.

"Oh God you were right!" Rin screamed, struggling in the moth's grasp. "You are so _fucking_ annoying!"

-Episode 14 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Definitely had fun with this episode, which is probably why it's a little longer than normal. But that just means more laughs for you! Review, please!


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Note: Woo-hoo! Only ten chapters left! Begin the countdown! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 15

An Act of Kindness

Rin was just as we had left him, in the clutches of an enormous, royally pissed-off Demon moth that had just been rudely awakened by our loveable idiot. Actually, scratch the loveable part and replace it with stupid. Very stupid. Fits better.

"Oh _God_ Mothra's got me!" Rin hollered, struggling as best he could in the monster's grasping feelers and waving at the small group of students watching in horror from the stream's edge. "Help me, you guys! I don't WANT a tentacle-rape fanfic!" He broke off, frowning in consideration. "…Or DO I?"

"…I…I guess we should help him," Konekomaru told the others. "Though he _does_ deserve it. I warned him."

"I'm on it." Suguro stooped and picked up a small rock, then chucked it at the hissing monstrosity. The rock smacked Rin firmly between the eyes.

"Ow! The _hell_, Bonnie?"

"Well, I've done all I can possibly do," Suguro stated, shrugged his shoulders. "Let's let nature takes its course. Or should I say SECOND COURSE." He chuckled at his own joke and saluted Rin as he and the others made to leave. "That moth is going to get one nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome-"

"Hey! NO! You guys are NOT leaving!" Rin snarled, stabbing a finger in their direction. "I am the MAIN character here, you minor assholes NEED me to further the plot! Have fun trying to get out of the forest without me! I'm sure those rapists are nice and horny by now!"

"…Damn, he's right," Shima cursed under his breath.

"…About the rapists?" Konekomaru asked in confusion.

"No! We do need him!" Shima paused. "And yes the rapist thing too."

"Come on, guys!" Shiemi begged. "Let's just help him and get out of here!"

"Tch! Fine!" Suguro snapped, hefting Shima's golden scepter and hurling it with deadly accuracy at the looming moth. It struck the monster in the head, making it squeal in pain and fury.

"…That didn't do jack-SHIT!" Rin complained from on-high.

"I was aiming for YOU!" Bon shouted up at him.

"Well then that BROKE MY HEART."

"I got this, you guys." Shima stepped forward, holding his personal stash of Raid and aiming the armed canisters at the monster. "Rin, I'd warn you about inhaling too much of this stuff but I honestly don't think you can possibly get any dumber than you already are."

"Oh yeah well FUH-"

*_PSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH_!*

"Oof!" Rin was immediately dropped to the ground by the writhing moth, where he unsteadily got to his feet and brushed himself off. "Uh, I'll…call you later." He paused. "I've done worse."

"No you haven't!"

"_You're_ one to talk, Shima!" Rin ran to his friends (?), tears of gratitude (though they just could have been from the Raid bomb) in his eyes. "Thank you, thank yu! You guys _literally_ saved my ass from being violated by moth tentacles. I will NEVER forget-"

*_SHRIEEEEEEEEEEK_!*

"OH GOD TAKE SHIMA HE'S THE PRETTIEST!" Rin screamed, dashing for the nearby trees. "Plus he'd probably like it!"

The others all turned and stared at Shima.

"…I would NOT!" He paused again. "Probably."

Everyone rolled their eyes and dashed after Rin, pulling the cart with the Peg Lantern along and wishing they could have left him with the moth.

The small group of students finally paused after several minutes of running around in circles to catch their breaths and vow that they would never let Rin lead the way again. Rin beamed at his companions, sidling up to the panting Suguro.

"You really did save me back there. As a reward, you may have my VIRGINITY-"

Suguro calmly slugged him in the face.

"I was just returning the favor," he growled, rubbing his bruised knuckles. "You know, for that one time when you…no, wait, you just annoyed me then. Okay, how about when…no, not then either. Uh…" He broke off, scowling as he thought hard. "Jesus Christ, why DID I save you?"

"Just admit that you love me." Suguro faked another punch, Rin cringing with a squeal and peeing a little before recovering. "Anyway, don't worry about it! I'm stupid so I don't really think about that kinda stuff," he admitted with a laugh. "Or anything much at all for that matter." He paused, blinking in confusion. "What were we talking about again?"

"Look, just stop trying to solve everything by yourself!" Suguro interrupted impatiently. "You're not alone!"

"Huh?" Rin gaped in surprise as the others crowded close and voiced their agreement.

"That's right!" Shiemi said, nodding her head.

"You can't defeat Satan alone!" Konekomaru added.

"You're probably my one and only prospect at actually getting laid on this show," Shima stated matter-of-factly. "So you can count on me!" He paused. "To sleep with you."

"…Guys…" Rin gulped back tears, touched at his friend's kindness. Finally he simply threw his hands up and cried, "Social link rank UP!"

"…Social…what…?"

"No? Still not getting it?" Rin patiently began to explain. "Well okay see there's this game called Persona where if you hang out with your friends your Social Rank goes up and if you get up to rank ten then you get to _bang_ them and-"

"Well _I've_ heard enough." Suguro turned to leave. "Now you really ARE alone."

"But anyway, Shima was totally useless this time," Konekomaru added. "Even more useless than ME! And that's _saying_ something!"

"What'd you want me to do, have sex with it?" Shima snapped, glaring at the smaller boy. "Even _I_ have my limits!"

"…No you don't."

"No I don't, but STILL."

-A While Later-

The exhausted group finally plodded out of the woods into the campsite, dragging the lantern-laden cart behind them. Izumo and the kid with the puppet already sat at the camp-fire, feet up and relaxing, their own lanterns sitting behind them.

"Took you long enough!" Izumo snorted, tossing her hair. "I was hoping that the rapists had gotten you." Rin gaped at her.

"Wow! She must have used her _bitch_ powers to get it done so fast!"

"No I didn't you asshole!" Izumo snarled, on her feet in an instant. "I used my Gods of the Harvest-"

"Exactly. Your fox-bitches."

"…Oh." She slowly sank back down, eyes narrowed dangerously at Rin. "…I'm still going to kill you in your sleep."

"Hmm?" Shura wandered over, partially sober and partially dressed, and stared at the group in confusion. "Wait, you're all here? No-one gave up? But then who lit the firework…?" She paused, frowning. "RIN YOU LITTLE FUCKER-"

"It wasn't me, I swear!"

"We vouch for him," Suguro said wearily. "We were with him. He didn't do it."

"Huh. That's weird. But then who…?"

"_I diiiiiid_!" A voice sang out from above. Everyone whirled to watch as Amaimon flipped down from the tree-tops, landing on the edge of the protective circle, his small gremlin straining at the leash and growling.

"Ohmigosh we ARE related!" Rin squealed, then noticed the concerned stares from others. "I mean…who IS that handsome stranger who obviously has NO relation to me whatsoever?"

"Hey, little bro."

"_Dude, shut UP you're gonna ruin everything_-"

"Go, Behemoth!" Amaimon ordered, releasing the gremlin's leash. It snarled in fury, foaming at the mouth, and leapt at the students.

"Aww, it's adora- _AAAUUUUUGH_!" Rin shrieked.

"HEEL!" Shura kicked the rabid creature away and drew her sword from between her breasts (to Shima's delight), then whistled, sharply. Immediately the camp-fire burst awake into a coiling serpent that shot off in all directions, encircling the camp with a fiery barrier that sent both dog and master flying back into the forest.

"Uhhh, thanks for saving us from that Demon-mutt thing," Rin stated, raising his hand, "but now we're ON FUCKING FIRE. Seriously, how is this supposed to be helping?"

Several hundred feet away, Mephisto reclined on a floating armchair, enjoying a cup of tea and a lovely view of the chaos in the camp. He grinned widely, eyeing the pillar of flames.

"You know what I'm thinking?" He paused for emphasis. "S'MORES." He pulled out a bag of marshmallows, along with graham crackers and some chocolate. Spearing a marshmallow on a stick, he held it out toward the flames, toasting it to perfection. "Want one?"

"No!" The trees beside him shook as Amaimon sat up in the branches, shaking himself off and grumbling. "Damn that woman! I wanna kill her!"

"No! NO! Bad!" Mephisto whipped a marshmallow at him and glared. "Don't kill any of them. If you do, I'll give the fan-girls your phone number and home address!"

Amaimon shuddered in horror, staring up at his brother with huge eyes.

"Okay. I won't. I'm sorry."

Back in camp, the students were in a panicked frenzy, both from the blazing barrier and the prior attack.

"Holy shit is that a Total Barrier?" Suguro sputtered, eyes on the sizzling edges. "Those are really strong!"

"Who the hell _was_ that guy?" Izumo demanded angrily. "A member of Good Charlotte? Someone from Green Day?"

"Is this training too, ma'am?" Konekomaru asked, face scrunched in confusion. "Because either way I just shit my pants."

"Training's over!" Shura barked, pausing to knot her up hair tightly. "Battle stations! Everyone get ready to defend against Amaimon!" She broke off, frowning. "And by 'defend', I mean 'plead for your pathetic lives before being horribly mangled and disemboweled in the most violently painful way possible."

"…Great, now I just _peed_, too!"

"Good thinking, Konekomaru," Shura told him, patting his shoulder. "Now your corpse will be too FOUL to rape-"

"Wait, _what_?"

"Did you say _Amaimon_?" Izumo choked out, eyes wide with shock. "As in Amaimon, one of the Eight Princes of Hell, the Earth King?"

Shura stared at her blankly for a moment before answering.

"No. This is a completely different Amaimon, Izumo. He sells gumdrops and shits sprinkles."

"That isn't funny-"

"It's fucking hilarious considering we're all about to die." Shura turned away, rolling her eyes and hefting a large plastic jug. "Now, to delay the inevitable, I'm going to soak you all with this here Holy Water."

"HOLD IT." Rin cried, holding up a hand to stop her. "…Is that your PEE?" She gave him the same blank stare as Izumo. "…Because that seems to be the running gag-"

"It's not my pee, Rin."

"Oh, thank G-"

"It's _Yukio's_."

*_SPLASH_!*

"OH GOD IT _IS_! HOW DO I _KNOOOW_?" Rin howled, water streaming down his face as Shura doused the rest of the students in quick succession. "Speaking of Yukio, where is he?"

-With Yukio…-

Yukio was trapped deep in the forest, battling swarms of Demon moths, as well as the enormous winged monstrosity from the stream-bed. He cursed under his breath and tossed canisters of holy water as well as bullets at the giant moth, to no avail. The onslaught continued, driving him further and further from camp.

"Dammit!" Yukio snarled, ducking behind a tree. "That thing is supposed to be bound by powerful seals! How the hell did it escape?" He went silent for a moment, brows drawn together. "It was Rin. I just KNOW it."

-Back at Camp!-

"Shit!" Izumo cursed, holding her phone to her ear, fist clenched. "They're not picking up!"

"Now we're NEVER gonna get our pizza!"

"Rin, I was trying to call our emergency line! Why the fuck would I order PIZZA?"

"…Because we're hungry? It HAS been a long night-"

She hurled her phone at him.

"Why is Amaimon attacking _us_?" Suguro suddenly asked. "The hell did we ever do to him?"

"Totally not MY fault." Rin immediately stated, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Hell, I bet it was that bastard Konekomaru-"

"_Hey_!"

"Oi. Rin. Here." Shura grabbed and pulled the boy aside, away from the others. "I'm giving this back to you." Chanting in a whisper, she drew the Kurikara from the symbol on her belly and handed it to Rin, who gaped.

"Holy crap you ARE a magician!" He gasped out in wonder. "What else you got in there?"

"Eh, a couple beers and change of panties. The usual." She shrugged, then met his eyes, face suddenly serious. "Listen, Rin. When Amaimon comes back, and he will, to kill us all, you run out of the barrier and draw him away by hurling insults and mocking his choice of clothing."

"Yeah okay sure- wait. Won't he, like, kill me?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly." Shura paused for a moment. "Also, try to look as rapeable as possible-"

"Shiemi, where are you going?" Shima suddenly called out. Everyone turned to see Shiemi stumbling toward the barrier, heedless of the dangers beyond. "…I think she has to pee," Shima added, holding up a small bottle. "She wouldn't go even after I said I'd hold it for her."

"Someone stop her!" Shura cried, but it was already too late. Shiemi stepped over the protective circle and approached the trees, where Amaimon appeared and threw an arm over her shoulder.

"Good girl," he cooed, petting her head.

"Fine, bitch!" Rin shouted after her, fuming. "I didn't even like you anyway! You're not _that_ hot!"

"Rin, shut up! She's got a parasite in her!" Shura growled, pointing at the strange bulge on Shiemi's neck.

"Eww, and to think I almost GOT it-"

"No, dumbass! She's being _controlled_!"

"Oh." Rin paused, blinking. "I'd still bang ya, honey!"

"Let's ride, bitch." Amaimon slung Shiemi over a shoulder and leapt off into the trees.

"No! You can't have her! She's mine!" Rin barked, starting after him. Immediately his way was blocked by the Behemoth as it crashed from the bushes and stood its ground, snarling ferociously. Rin froze, remembering Caesar's training and taking a deep, calming breath. "DOWN," he said in a calm-assertive voice. The Behemoth crouched low. "Good bo- _OHGODIT'SEATINGMYFACE_-!" He flailed about, throwing the snapping Demon off and hurling it behind him-

Right onto Shura.

"Her breasts are squeak toys!" Rin cried before dashing off into the woods.

"Rin you ASSHOLE!"

*_RAWF RAWF RAWF_!*

"You bastard!" Rin growled, finally catching up with Amaimon, who stood waiting, perched on a high tree branch. "What do you want Shiemi for?"

"…Have you ever heard of…_fanfiction_?" Amaimon asks dangerously, pulling the dazed Shiemi close.

"_NOOOOO_! Anything but THAT!" Rin wailed in horror. "I will FLAME that pairing with everything I have! Including my OWN!" He lunged up at his brother to attack, but with one strike was easily sent flying back, crashing through trees and boulders in a shower of destruction.

The students back in the protection of the barrier gaped at the terrifying sight, unable to pull their eyes away. Literally, they were enjoying it so much.

"…I don't know about you guys," Suguro stated, glancing at the others, "but I'm rooting for the bad one."

"You DO know he plans to kill us all and rape our corpses?" Konekomaru asked slowly. Suguro raised an eyebrow.

"How is that any different from what Rin has in store for us?"

"Good point." Konekomaru turned back to the action, arms raised. "Go, Emo, GO!"

Back on the battlefield, Amaimon slowly floated down to the ruined landscape, Shiemi still slung over a shoulder. He landed beside Rin's prone body, who lay unmoving, face-down in the rubble.

"Why won't you draw your sword?" He taunted, cocking his head.

"Because…you're…_standing_ on it…" Rin ground out, face buried in the dirt.

"Oh. Sorry." He quickly stepped off. "How rude of me."

Back in camp, several students were growling restless, but not for the reasons you'd think.

"Godammit! Down in front!" Suguro barked, glaring at the towering forest. "Stupid trees are in the freaking way! I can't see a thing!" He clenched his fists, thought for a moment, and made a decision. "That's it! I'm going in for a closer look!"

"What? No, Bon!" Konekomaru cried. "It's too dangerous! You can't!"

"It's WORTH it!" Suguro snapped back, storming for the trees. "I am NOT missing this!"

"Shima, try to talk some sense into- why are you putting on lipstick?"

Shima shrugged and continued applying the makeup.

"So I at least look pretty for when he-"

"BON WAIT FOR ME!" Konekomaru scrambled after the larger boy, eager to get fucking anywhere else.

"No wait he'd take me to dinner first!" Shima cried, following. "I'm not THAT cheap!"

Izumo stood by herself in the campsite, glaring at the boy and his silly puppet. The boy suddenly grinned and quirked an eyebrow, raising his puppet.

"…Looks like we're finally alone, sweetheart-"

Izumo promptly ripped off the puppet's head and fed it to the boy.

"Hellooo? Anyone there?" Amaimon called, nudging Rin's unmoving body with a foot.

"I'm sorry," the boy whimpered out, voice muffled by the ground, "but Rin Okumura is not available at the moment. Please leave a message at the groan." He paused for a moment. "_OOOOUUUUUUGGGHHHH_."

"Hi, this is Amiamon," the Earth King began. "Just wanted to tell you that you're a little turd and I'm gonna kill all your friends in alphabetical order. Call me!" He paused, frowning down at his brother. "Why aren't you taking this seriously? Don't you care about this girl?" He hefted Sheimi up and cradled her in his arms.

"Eh, not really," Rin shrugged, face still firmly planted in the dirt. "You know, if you REALLY wanted to piss me off, you should have kidnapped SUGURO." He was quiet for a moment. "Preferably in Shiemi's outfit."

"Ah. Right. Forgot you were a raging 'mo." Amaimon frowned and glanced at Shiemi, perched on his shoulder. "Guess I don't need her anymore." He raised one of his sharp nails and brought it to her eye-

"Oh God no don't hurt her!" Rin cried.

"Calm down, she just has an eyelash on her cheek."

"Oh. Okay." Rin relaxed. "Well that was rather nice of you-"

""Now she's got an eyeball in her eye-"

"No don't!"

_*PsssshhUUUUUUuuuuuuu…POP!*_

Amaimon jerked his hand back just in time to keep it from being hit by the Demon-repelling firework that shot passed. He slowly turned to find Suguro, Konekomaru, and Shima standing at the forest's edge, glaring at him.

"You like that, ya damn Emo?" Suguro snarled, holding several more fireworks. "Natural light! Bring it! I'll blow your ass up a hundred times!"

"Bon we only have three more," Konekomaru quietly told him.

"I will blow your ass up THREE MORE times!"

"We're here to save you, Rin!" Konekomaru called over, waving.

"I fully expect Shiemi to have sex with me after this!" Shima cried, gripping his staff and trembling with fear.

"What? No! The sex is mine!" Rin weakly struggled to his knees, clutching the Kurikara in one hand.

"Rin, don't move! We have him right where we want him!" Konekomaru lit another firework, which spun out of control and hit Amaimon smack in the face. "I am so fucking dead."

The smoke cleared to show Amaimon, relatively unhurt but for his hair, which had puffed up like a stem of broccoli. Shima couldn't hold back a snort of amusement at the sight.

"B…broccoli," he giggled, holding his sides. Amaimon's eyes narrowed dangerously, and he pounced over, gracefully landing in front of Shima like a cat. The perverted boy froze in terror, eyes wide.

"…Do you…like…broccoli?" Amaimon asked in a soft voice. Shima continued staring at him in hypnotized horror.

"…No not real- _GWACK_!" Amaimon immediately kicked him back several yards, where he slammed into a tree and fell to the ground, gurgling. Then the Earth King slowly turned to Konekomaru.

"…How about you?"

The small boy gulped, thinking hard.

"Uh…y…yes?"

Amaimon snapped his arm like a twig.

"_Gyaaaaaagh_!" Konekomaru fell to the ground, writhing.

Finally Amaimon turned to Suguro, who stood there, helpless.

"…And you?"

"…_Oh God what is the correct answer_?"

"Not that." Amaimon's arm shot forward and seized Suguro by the throat, lifting him off his feet and squeezing tight. Suguro choked and kicked his legs, but the Demon was much too strong. "Were you laughing at my hair?"

"No…" Suguro choked out, gasping for breath.

"Good."

"I was laughing…at your horrible…fashion sense…you…fucking…_Hot-Topic mannequin_!"

"Get your paws off my MAN!" Rin snarled, surging to his feet and standing tall. He slipped the dark cloth from the Demon-Slaying blade, holding Kurikara up and beginning to draw-

"_Rin_!" A panicked voice suddenly interrupted. The boy in question turned to find Yukio at the forest edge, covered in cuts and bruises. "You are SO friggin' dead! No, wait, I mean…uh…don't draw the sword! It's a trap! It's what he _wants_ you to do!"

"Yukio…" Rin's expression softened, traveling from his dear brother to his friends, all injured by the cruel Amaimon. His face hardened with determination, and he raised his chin, mind set. "I…will use my power…for a gentler purpose." He held his sword up, and grasped the hilt. "To beat the SHIT outta that dick Amaimon!"

"Uh Rin that isn't really a gentler-"

Rin drew Kurikara, instantly blooming with blue flames, his horns protruding from his brow and burning tail whipping behind him. The students gasped at the impressive sight, gaping in shock.

"Don't LOOK at me, I'm a MONSTER!" Rin sobbed, turning his face away in shame.

"Eh, not really," Suguro gurgled around Amaimon's hand, shrugging a shoulder. "You just got horns and a tail and are lit on fire."

"I've seen worse," Konekomaru commented, clutching his injured arm.

"Yeah," Shima added, lying upside-down at the tree's base. "It's not even all that cool-"

"Why the fuck am I saving you assholes?"

"Because you have inappropriate feelings for me?" Suguro suggested.

"Oh yeah right." Rin nodded and faced Amaimon, pointing the blade's keen edge at his cruel brother. "Come on! I'll play with you!"

Amaimon squealed with glee, dropping Suguro and clapping his hands.

"_Whee_! What do you want to play first?"

"Tag." Rin was suddenly standing right next to him, an ugly look on his face. "You're it." With a swing of his sword, Amaimon went flying back, crashing into several rows of trees. "Olly-olly-oxen-_FUCK YOU_."

Mephisto chuckled to himself, watching his two younger brothers fly about the sky, trading blows and lighting the night with flashes of Demonic power.

"You have much to learn, Rin," he murmured softly. "Compared to Demons, who always seek the pleasure in denial, the moderate ways of humans are easy to corrupt." He paused for a moment, tilting his head in consideration. "So…which way are you- WHOA SHIT THAT ALMOST HIT ME!" He suddenly ducked, just barely saving his top-hat from a flying boulder. "WATCH it, you two! Can't a Demon have a dramatic monologue in peace?"

Down on the ground, Yukio was treating Shiemi, gently removing the parasite that had controlled her. He finished the impromptu surgery, wiping his hands and looking up.

"Alright, done. Anyone else?"

Shima raised his hand.

"Can you do anything about a particularly nasty case of crabs?"

Thankfully, Shura ran up and joined the group before Yukio could answer.

"You guys okay?" She panted out, trying to catch her breath.

"Yes, we're all-" Yukio broke off, frowning. "Why are there bite-marks on your breasts?"

"Rin."

"…He's FIFTEEN you sick bitch!"

"It's too dangerous to stay here!" Shura interrupted as the entire forest shook. "We need to get to a safer place."

"Calm down!" Yukio growled. "This is _Rin_ we're talking about!"

"Exactly," Shura answered. "So RUN!"

Everyone obeyed.

The battle between siblings continued, Rin panting as his blue flames threatened to overtake him, making him more frantic, more crazed. He snarled, foaming at the mouth, and suddenly overwhelmed Amaimon with his power, sending him tumbling to the ground, steaming.

"…Okay, you win!" The Earth King called out weakly. "I don't want to play anymore! Game over! Rage quit!"

"Eins, Zwei, Drei!" Mephisto called, summoning a large cuckoo-clock from his hat in a puff of smoke. The small hatch is front popped open, and a bird shot out, snatching Amaimon up in its beak and pulling him inside to safety.

"The cute!" Amaimon howled, his voice echoing from within the confines. "It _buuuuurns_!"

"Get over it, you big sissy!" Mephisto snapped back, rolling his eyes. "And now- NO NOT MY CUKOO CLOCK!"

Rin came flying out of the darkness, slashing the clock in half with a swing of his blade. It exploded in a shower of splinters, raining down onto the forest below.

"YOU BASTARD THAT WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITES!" Mephisto roared, then suddenly paused, blinking. "Oh. Amaimon was in there. _Ohhhhh_." He paused again. "…Yup, HE'S dead." He regarded his younger brother, scowl deepening as he studied Rin's warped features and crazed eyes. "Hmph. He's totally lost control of his flames." He glanced down and noticed several cracks in Kurikara, and sighed in resignation. ""What a handful you are, little brother." He reached down and slowly raised…

A fire extinguisher.

"This is going to be so much fucking fun."

-Episode 15 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Hmm, I've been pretty good with keeping up with these. Go me! Hope you enjoyed it! Review, please!


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: Had alotta fun with this one, thanks to Angel. *_High-fives him_*. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without…making fun of you. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 16

Gamble

The forest was awash with crackling blue flames. The ravenous inferno devoured trees and bushes, raging through the woods indiscriminately. Waves of searing heat and choking smoke spiraled upward, clogging the empty night sky and obscuring the glowing face of the moon high above.

At the forest's edge, the Exorcist cram-school students were running from a terrifying threat - _Rin Okumura_. Well, mostly the wanton destruction caused by his Demonic powers, but you gotta admit his stupid is pretty damn scary. They burst through the trees, searching for safe ground. They finally found sanctuary at some old crumbling ruins, where Shiemi dashed ahead of the rest, throwing her hands in the air triumphantly.

"I win!" She cried, hopping up and down.

"This isn't a race!" Yukio snapped, rushing up.

"Do I get you as a prize?" She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Good God do you still have a parasite in you?" Yukio frowned and began checking her pupils with a pocket flashlight.

"_I_ do."

"Shut up Shima." Yukio paused. "Wait, should you even be running around, Shiemi?"

"Oh, probably not," Shiemi answered sweetly, then immediately collapsed on the ground like a sack of sugar, which is pretty much what she is.

"_I'll_ carry her!" Shima offered.

"You will NOT she will be _pregnant_ before she hits the ground-" Yukio growled, shoving the boy away.

"You know it!" Shima chuckled, winking and pointing at the camera.

"What's going on?" Konekomaru wondered aloud, gazing back at the flickering bonfire consuming the forest. "Those flames…are _blue_!"

"Uh, yeah," Yukio began nervously. "Most probably because these trees are all blue pine, and the phosphorescence and enzymes and shit-" The students all stared at him in obvious disbelief. "…Yeah, I got nothing." He dropped his hands in defeat.

Back in the forest, Rin and Amaimon tumbled down from the sky, falling through branches and leaves to the hard and unforgiving forest floor. Rin was up almost immediately, face contorted with rage, and began taking out his fury on the surrounding area instead of sitting down and talking about his feelings like a normal person.

"Stupid trees! Stupid rock!" He cried, raging about, smashing things apart with swings of his sword. "I hate you all!" He paused, frowning. "Except you, blue-berries. _You're_ okay." He reached over and grabbed a handful, eating several with relish. "_Mmmm_. But the rest of you are friggin' ASSHOLES!"

Amaimon was creeping away in the nearby bushes, careful to avoid detection from his crazed and quite murderous younger brother. Smokey the Bear suddenly stepped out from the bushes, blocking his way.

"Only YOU can prevent-"

"Fuck OFF, bear!" Amaimon snarled, shoving past him. Rin whirled at the sound, spotting a dark figure in the smoke.

"I've got you NOW, Amaimon!" He cried, bringing his sword down and-

Setting Smokey the Bear alight with blue fire.

"_EEEAAAAAUUUUGH_!" Smokey went down, wreathed in flames and writhing in agony.

"My God I can _smell_ the irony," Rin stated solemnly. "…Oh no wait that's just your bear-flesh cooking."

With a roar, Smokey flung an arm out, knocking Rin back. He crashed through the trees into the clearing where the other students huddled together. They gasped at his sudden appearance and backed away fearfully.

"Can we attack him?" Suguro begged, hopping with excitement. "Please please _pleeeease_?"

"Only after _I'm_ done with him," Yukio stated, loading his gun with a snap.

"You guys are horrible!" Shiemi pushed past them and dashed toward Rin, who was groggily climbing to his feet.

"Wait it's not your turn bitch-"

"Rin! Are you okay?" Shiemi asked, halting in front of Rin and reaching out. The crazed boy lifted his head and bellowed in her face, long and loud. Shiemi scowled, wincing at the sound. "Okay, RUDE. You don't have to yell, I'm right here."

Rin lurched toward the other students, clutching his sword. His eyes were wide and unseeing, driven mad by the power of the blue flames.

"Quick, Shura! Flash him!" Shima squealed, cowering in the back.

"You think that'll snap him out of it?" Shura asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Probably not, but at least I'll die happy."

She whipped a can of beer at him.

"Hey, now I'll die DOUBLY happy!" He popped it open and began to chug.

"Rin," Yukio stated calmly, leveling his gun at his brother. "I don't want to have to do this." He went quiet for a moment, thinking. "Who the fuck am I kidding? Hell YES I do. Come on. Just try me. JUST. TRY. ME. _PLEASE_."

With a bestial roar, Rin rushed forward, raising his sword. Shiemi immediately tackled him to the ground like a linebacker and hugged him with a fierce determination.

"RIN!" She begged, tightening her rear-naked choke-hold. "It's okay! Please, calm down! I don't want to have to use an arm-bar!"

"DIE ALL OF YOU SONS OF- _Oooh_ Shiemi's boobs and I'm back." Rin blinked and relaxed, his blue flames winking out. He lay there for a moment, frowning in confusion. "Hey, guys. What's up?" He glanced over his shoulder at the smoldering forest. "Whoa! Who's the asshole who made THAT mess? What a dick!"

"Rin! You're okay!" Shiemi laughed with relief, hugging him close.

"_Godammit Shiemi you ruined everything you little bitch_- I mean…uh…great job, Shiemi!" Yukio applauded, reluctantly putting his gun away. "You saved Rin! Now we can't- I mean…_don't_ have to put him down."

"_BOOOO_!" Suguro called from the back.

"Yes, thank you, my thoughts exactly," Yukio sighed in resignation.

"Hmmm…those flames are blue…just like that night," a silken voice spoke from above. The students froze and looked up to find an unfamiliar figure perched on one of the crumbling towers, face upturned to the night sky. The person wore an elegant Exorcist uniform, and their long blond hair blew in the slight breeze.

"Oh God not another one…" Izumo muttered to herself. "Who's this bozo?"

"My _babe_ senses are tingling," Shima stated, his eyes narrowing. "Also known as my nuts. Come on, honey, let's see that face…" The figure slowly turned to reveal itself as-

A man.

"GODAMMIT WHY I AM SO _OFF_ THESE DAYS?" Shima whirled, glaring with fury at Rin. "THIS IS ALL _YOUR_ FAULT! YOUR DAMN HOMOSEXUAL VIBES KEEP SCREWING WITH ME!"

"Yeah, and you LOVE it!" Rin shot back angrily. "Besides, it's not my fault! Lookit him, he's _beautiful_! Hell, _I'd_ tap that!"

"Good morning, children," the strange man interrupted, staring down at the group haughtily and choosing to ignore Rin's cat-calls. "My name is Arthur Auguste Angel-"

"…Can we call you Triple A for short?" Suguro called from below.

"What? NO!"

"It's better than the other name I was thinking of."

"Hey!"

"How about AAAsshole?" Izumo joined in.

"OKAY YOU'RE ALL JUST JELLS CUZ I'M SO DAMN _HOT_-" Angel broke off to clear his throat and regain his composure. Flipping his hair back, he began again. "As I was SAYING, I am Angel, the new Paladin, Shura's direct superior, and the winner of this season's America's Next Top Model."

"…Isn't that all wome-"

"Shura!" Angel jabbed a well-manicured finger at the well-endowed woman, glaring daggers at her down his nose. "What's the meaning of this? You were sent to spy and report on this boy, as well as eliminate him if it turned out he was related to Satan!"

"_What_?" Yukio sputtered in outrage, rounding on Shura. "Is this true?"

"Yukio, calm down," Shura began. "I didn't mean to-"

"I can't believe you!" He went on. "Why the hell didn't you tell me, I would have loved to join in- I mean…how dare you try and kill my beloved brother!" He paused, blinking. "But seriously you could have told me, I have, like, a _journal_ full of ideas."

"Shura!" Angel cut in once again, his voice dangerously soft. "Don't you think that this creature clad in blue flames is related to Satan?" Shura scowled over at Rin, who gave her a little wave and a wink.

"NO." Shura glared up at the effeminate man. "Rin is a nice person, and he-"

Smokey suddenly stumbled out of the burning forest, smoldering and howling in pain.

"Oh, GOD! The pain! The paaaaain! I can SMELL myself cooking!"

"…Maybe," Shura corrected herself.

"Kill me! _Kill meeeee_!"

"…Okay, yes. But that really isn't the point-"

"Yoo-hoooo!" A voice sang out, interrupting the heated discussion. Everyone turned to find Mephisto strutting up in his striped tights, twirling his umbrella jauntily. "It's been a while, Angel. Time for a good, old-fashioned DRAG BATTLE."

"Bitch please you know I'll win-" Angel snorted, tossing his hair.

"Better get in there, Yukio."

"RIN SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"I heard you recently attained the rank of Paladin," Mephisto drawled, tipping his hat. "As well as the title of Top Model. Give Tyra my regards-"

"Oh shut up, you _previous_ cycle winner!" Angel snapped.

"My walk was better and you KNOW IT-"

"That's it!" Angel reached down and unsheathed his rather large blade with a flourish. "Caliburn, give me strength-"

"Christ, lookit the size of that thing! _Someone's_ got a small penis!" Rin chortled under his breath.

"Oh, like you're one to talk!" Yukio shot back.

"Well obviously it's for balance!"

"By the decree of the Gregori of the Highest Court and the Order of the True Cross and myself because I feel like it," Angel hissed out in one long breath, "I shall exterminate Satan's spawn here and now!"

"…What?" Rin asked after a moment of silence.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

"Oh." Rin blinked. "With what, _glitter_?"

With a strangled cry, Angel was on Rin in an instant, his blade swinging for his neck. Shura and Yukio gasped in horror, moving to stop him but too late to-

"PUT HIM DOWN YOU DAMN _QUEEN_!" Shiemi roared, nailing Angel with a swift kick to the nuts. He gave out a small squeak of pain and slowly sank to the ground, dropping Rin.

"…Holy shit." Shura blinked in awe. "She's got alotta rage."

"Rin! You okay?" Shiemi asked, kneeling beside him.

Angel quickly recovered and surged to his feet, dodging around the others and grabbing hold of Shura. Sword at her neck, he glared down at her in disgust.

"Why are you helping that brat?" He sneered. "To honor the man who was the worst Paladin ever?"

"No," Shura replied truthfully. "I just don't happen to like the GAYEST Paladin ever-"

"I'm not gay, I'm metro! Get it right, whore!"

"Yeah, and I'm flat-chested."

"Are you kidding me? Those things are frigging _planets_!"

"Exactly."

"Oh." Angel paused, frowning. "OHHHH." His eyes narrowed. "You BITCH."

*_Bling_!*

"Hold on a sec I have to take this." Angel turned his head and began chatting loudly into his Bluetooth Headset. "HEYYY, _girlfrieeeend_! How you doin'? No, you did NOT go back and get those shoes! Oh, you _whore_! I _hate_ you!"

"Okay, you can kill me now!" Shura cried aloud. "PLEASE!"

"Alright, new orders for the Gregori," Angel barked, disconnecting the call. "You, Mephisto, are summoned to court for crimes against _fashion_, as well as Rin Okumura, who is a crime against…pretty much everything else."

"Eh, sounds about right," Rin shrugged. "Later, y'alls!" He took Mephisto's hand and together the two skipped off into the darkness with Angel. The others watched him leave in stunned silence.

"…So is he gone for good or is this just a break?" Suguro finally spoke, looking over at Yukio.

"I wish I knew," Yukio sighed, picking up the cracked Kurikara and sheathing it solemnly. "I wish I knew."

-In Court-

The courtroom of the Gregori was awe-inspiring, with vaulted ceilings, blazing lamps, and dripping chandeliers. A large circular podium ringed the room, with a bewigged judge sitting at the for-front with three Gregori in official robes above him. The beauty and elegance of the room was lost to Rin, as he was immediately restrained and trapped in some sort of strange blue crystal-type prison upon entering.

"Help!" He cried, pounding his fists on the gleaming walls in vain. "I'm fucking Zelda here! Where's Link? He's taking his sweet-ass time rescuing me! Does ANYONE remember what I said about having fat ankles?"

"Well I was going to say something but I didn't want to seem _rude_," Mephisto stated, standing beside Rin on an upraised platform. Shura and Angel stood below, looking bored.

"Let's get this trial started," the heavy-set judge growled, banging his gavel.

"Hold on I don't think I can handle the truth-" Rin began.

"Rin, no court jokes," Mephisto hissed.

"Over-ruled."

"Sustained."

"Your witness."

"The defense rests."

"Hey, Mephisto, do you swear to be gay, totally gay, and be nothing BUT gay so help you GOD-

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The judge screamed at them.

"…That's a new one," Rin observed.

"Mephisto!" The judge barked, jabbing his gavel at the Demon like a sword. "I'm only going to ask this once. IS that Demon there the Son of Satan?"

Mephisto took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"NO-"

"Yes I am and he will kick your ASS if you don't let me out of here!"

"Oh Godammit, Rin."

-With Yukio-

Yukio and the Exwires had returned to the school, resting in the Medical Ward and recovering from their various injuries, both caused by Amaimon and Rin. Several students rested in beds while Yukio sat on a chair, somberly telling the group of Rin's secret past.

"You see, everyone," he explained, "Rin is…the child of Satan and a human woman, born 15 years ago. He possesses the power of Satan's blue flames."

"Wait," Konekomaru suddenly interrupted, sitting up in his bed. "You're his twin brother, aren't you? So…doesn't that mean…?"

"Yes, I am his twin," Yukio answered calmly. "But don't worry, I'm just a regular human. Rin is the only one who received Satan's power. You can trust me."

"Oh. Okay." Konekomaru paused for a moment, staring at Yukio in silence. "_AUUUUUUUGH_!" He seized his bed-pan and hurled it at him. "Kill it! KILL IT!"

-Back at Court-

Back at the courthouse, more boring talky-talk was going on between the Gregori and Mephisto, who was pleading his case of innocence and fabulosity (as he called it). Rin hung suspended in his crystal-prison, bored out of his mind. He studied the Gregori, noting an elderly man, a middle-aged man, and a woman.

"Is that Judge Judy?" He wondered aloud. "I'm gonna call her Judge Judy from now on. And the other one is Judge Joe Brown. IT'S JOE TIME-"

"Rin shut UP you're not making this any better!" Shura snarled under her breath, kicking his crystal.

"But I'm so BOOOOORED! Couldn't you have thrown in a Highlights or something before locking me in here?"

"I shoulda tossed a grenade."

"I'm not Bruno Mars."

"Oh for the love of-"

-Back to Yukio!-

"Rin only learned about all of this three months ago," Yukio continued, the others listening with interest.

"Oh, so THAT'S what happened to him!" Suguro breathed. "It explains everything! No wonder he's such a mess!"

"Uh, no, actually," Yukio coughed awkwardly. "He has always been like this. It's…normal. For him."

"Oh." Suguro sat back down. "Shit."

"Yes. Very shit."

"So, um, what'll happen to Rin?" Shiemi spoke up, her expression worried. Yukio sighed and shook his head.

"The court might have him executed."

"Can we watch?" Suguro suddenly burst out, eyes glittering with excitement. "I mean…that's _horrible_." He paused. "Seriously, though, can we buy tickets or anything?"

"I…I just think…" Yukio began, struggling with his emotions, "…it would be best…if we…put him out of his misery."

"But there's nothing _wrong_ with him!" Shiemi cut in. "He's just really stupid! Yukio?"

"…Put him out of his misery."

"YUKIO!"

"What do you want _me_ to do about it?" Yukio exploded. "We can't help him! Look, the Demon-Slaying blade is cracked! We can't-"

"The Kurikara is cracked?" Suguro butted in. Yukio blinked in surprise.

"Hey, I only said the Demon-Slaying Blade. How did you know the name of-"

"It's _bedazzled_ on it."

"What?" Yukio glanced down and found 'Kurikara' written on the blade's sheath in glittery cursive. "OH GODAMMIT RIN-"

"That sword is an heirloom of our temple," Suguro explained. "I dunno, maybe we could fix it-"

"Are you guys NUTS?" Konekomaru suddenly cut them off, sitting up in bed. His eyes were wide and frightened as he glared around at the others. "Rin is the Son of Satan, and you want to HELP him?"

"Wow…" Yukio scowled at the small boy, eyes narrowed. "Rin was right. You _are_ a little annoying."

"Are you kidding me? I'm being the most realistic one _here_! What is _wrong_ with you all?"

-_Aaaaaand_ Back to Court-

The judge was busy grilling Mephisto about his mysterious intentions, as well as his well-kept beauty secrets. The Demon stood there calmly at the podium, a confident smirk on his face.

"…and for what reason did Fujimoto raise him in secret?" The judge asked, leaning forward and glaring menacingly.

"OH GOD I FARTED AND NOW IT'S TRAPPED IN HERE _WITH_ MEEEE!"

"…Excuse accepted."

Mephisto grinned.

-Back to Yukio AGAIN-

Back in the Medical Ward, Izumo suddenly stood up, a deadly hush falling over the group as they sensed danger. She turned and faced Suguro, frowning.

"Look, just lead us to this Yoshikuni place you've been talking about so we can get the idiot's sword fixed so we can progress this idiotic story line," she growled. "I want this shit-fic to be done and over with as soon as possible."

"Why would I listen to-" Suguro began before Izumo reached forward, seized his collar, and hauled him close.

"Do it," she hissed out, "and I'll tell you where your _other_ kidney is."

"My…kid…ney…?" Suguro scowled in confusion. "What the hell are you talking aboOH GOD THERE'S A SCAR!" He had pulled up his shirt to reveal a puckered scar on his stomach. "You took my kidney you crazy bitch! What did you do with it?"

"Have you ever heard of…Ebay?" Izumo asked, smiling evilly.

"Oh shit, I found it!" Shima cried, tapping away at his phone. "Here it is, Bon! How much- holy SHIT 10,000 bucks?" He broke off, looking thoughtful. "Could you sell mine for me?"

"I charge 25% commission. But the surgery is free."

Several moments later, a door of a building slid open in the quant Japanese countryside, and the Exwires filed out, wincing at the bright sunlight. They were in a small, modest village miles from the Academy.

"Whoa! We're in Kyoto already?" Shiemi gasped, looking around in wonder.

"Yes, I have a key to every city with a holy place," Yukio explained, returning his ring of keys to his pocket.

"Does Las Vegas have a-" Shima began.

"SHUT UP NO."

The group left the village and entered the nearby woods, following Suguro as he led them down a secret path. Finally they emerged into a small clearing ringed with trees, where a single squat building sat, a trail of white smoke curling from its chimney.

"We're here." Suguro stopped and nodded toward the hut.

"Here where?" Izumo snapped. "I don't see any-"

"Lil' Ryu!" A small girl with short brown hair, glasses, and robes dashed out of the hut, squealing at the sight of Suguro. "You're back!" She skipped over to the boy and unceremoniously glomped him.

"Holy shit that girl is SO dead," Izumo stated matter-of-factly. "I can FEEL the fangirls shrieking in bloodlust as I speak."

-With Rin-

Rin, predictably, had fallen asleep. In his dream, darkness ate at him, clawing in from all sides. Rin gasped in fear, his flames suddenly blazing awake in the face of danger. But try as he might, Rin couldn't undo his belt to urinate on himself, and screamed in horror. Then Smokey the Bear appeared and slugged him in the gut.

"Only _I_ can KICK YOUR ASS," the bear snarled, then flipped him off and left.

"_NOOOOOOOOO_!" Rin snapped awake, covered in a layer of sweat. He panted for a moment, catching his breath, calming himself. "Oh…oh thank God…it was just a dream…just a-"

"It's true that Demons are our enemies," the female Gregori was speaking in a dull monotone, "but we have found uses over the-"

"Oh God they're STILL talking! This is even WORSE!" Rin howled in dismay, beating helplessly at the glass with his fists. "Let me out! Let me _OOUUUUUUTTTT_!"

Shura stood beside Rin, absently drawing dongs on the glass prison with a marker, while Angel was busy painting his nails.

"You think this color suits me?"

"Yes, it's the perfect shade of queer."

-_Aaaaaand_ Back to the Others Again-

After the glomp attack, the students had entered the girl's humble abode, sitting on the mats while Suguro explained the situation to the girl.

"Yo!" The girl greeted. "I'm a descendant of the one who forged the Kurikara, but NO-ONE cares about me!"

"Wow," Yukio stated. "I'd tell you that you should meet Konekomaru but I _really_ don't fucking care."

"I've known Lil' Ryu for a long time," the girl giggled, nodding at Suguro. "He was so cute when he was a kid, always clinging to me and asking me to marry him-"

"SHUT UP, _BITCH_, YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE MANGA!" Suguro barked aloud.

"…What?"

"…What? Just…just fix the damn sword!"

"Alright, alright. Let's see the damage." The girl took the sword and inspected the chipped blade closely, biting her lip. Finally she sighed and looked at Yukio.

"To forge a sword like this, we need four hobbits to walk into Mordor and throw it into Mount Doom-"

"Bitch that isn't funny."

"Okay, kidding. You need the one ring-"

"Dammit, bitch, we got better places to be!" Suguro snapped. "Just tell us what we need and disappear like all the other two-bit characters!"

"Ugh, _fine_!" The girl rolled her eyes. "You need Jewel Steel to fix this."

"And where the fuck are we gonna find THAT?" Yukio exploded. "That's some of the rarest material-"

"Siri," Izumo cut in, talking to her iPhone. "Find me some Jewel Steel." The phone was quiet for a moment, then promptly replied.

"I found a holy nail at a temple close to you." A map popped up to show the location of a temple not far from them.

"Easy." Izumo winked and went to put her phone away.

"Hold up, lemme try!" Shima snatched the phone from Izumo before she could protest. "Hey, baby. Wanna guess my RAM?"

"No, thank you," Siri answered. "I'd rather not catch a virus."

"Dammit, not even a PHONE?" Shima hurled it away.

The group wasted no time and hurriedly traveled to the nearby temple, finding the grounds silent and empty.

"Excuse us!" Shima called out nervously. "We'd like to have your holy nail so we can forge it into a Demon-Slaying blade for our friend who happens to be the Son of Satan!"

"Shima," Yukio stated, "you're…not allowed to talk anymore."

The group split up and began searching the temple grounds for the nail and missing priests. Suguro entered a quiet hallway of the temple, looking around in confusion. Where was everyone? Why was it so quiet? And who the hell had _farted_?

"_Me_."

Suguro gasped and whirled around, finding himself faced with a floating, golden statue of Buddha. He goggled at the sight, confused.

"_Look into your heart_," the statue whispered, floating closer. Candle-light gleamed off its smooth face. "_He is the Son of Satan. Why do you want to save him? What is your reason for doing so_?"

"Wha…what? I don't…I'm not-" Suguro struggled to answer. The statue leaned close and whispered.

"_It would never work out between you two_-"

"FUCK YOU!" Suguro roared, punching the statue in the face. "OW MY HAND IT WAS WORTH IT-"

Meanwhile, in another room, Yukio faced a similar foe, the silver statue hovering and taunting him, questioning his beliefs and causing doubt.

"_You're actually scared of your brother, aren't you_?" The statue hissed. "_Admit it! His power frightens you_!"

"No…no! You're wrong!" Yukio yelled back at statue, gripping his gun tightly in one hand. "I'm not afraid of my brother!"

"_Yes, you are! Just admit it_!"

"No…what I really fear is…his _stupidity_! Just the thought that I could one day become like that…I couldn't LIVE with myself!" Snapping out of his trance, Yukio raised his gun and fired, killing the Demon that had been possessing it.

Shima suddenly rushed in to find Yukio on his knees, panting from the effort.

"Professor! What happened in- are you CRYING?"

"No! I'm _not_ crying!" Yukio sniffled, attempting to wipe his tears away. "I just…have something in my eye." He broke off, staring thoughtfully at Shima. "I'll give you extra credit if you hold me."

"Most action I've gotten all year," Shima shrugged, and obliged.

"Hey! Guys! We found the priests and the holy nail-" Izumo cried, running into the room. She screeched to a halt and stared at the sight of the men together. "…Oh Godammit not another pairing."

-Rin AGAIN-

"Christ, how many DAYS have we been here?" Rin whined, slumping in his crystal prison. The Gregori and judge were still prattling away and didn't seem like they'd stop anytime soon.

"Shut up," Shura snapped at him. "It's been, like, an hour."

"More like a HUNDRED- hey, you've got a Gameboy!"

"_Shhh_!" Shura glared, shoving the game system back into the portal in her stomach. "Shut UP, tattle-tale!"

"It's obvious that Mephisto is deceiving everyone," Angel was saying, pointing accusingly at the man in question, "so he can overthrow the Order from the inside and steal everyone's shoes." He paused. "Specifically, mine."

"Please," Mephisto snorted, rolling his eyes. "I don't wear _Payless_."

"They are nine-hundred dollar Gucci and you KNOW IT-"

*_RUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMBLE_!*

Suddenly the entire building began to tremble, the room shaking violently. The Gregori gasped and demanded to know what was causing the disturbance. A lowly soldier ran up and saluted.

"Sir! The Earth King, Amaimon, is climbing up from the Catacombs with an army of lesser Demons to come and slaughter us all." He paused for a moment. "Also, I shit my pants. End report."

"What? Why the hell is Amaimon here?" The elderly Gregori growled.

"I have absolutely NO idea," Mephisto stated, buffing his nails on his chest. "It was probably Angel."

"Angel! Get down to the Catacombs and clean up this mess!"

"But my nails aren't dry-" The man began, holding up his electric-pink nails.

"Let's go, homo." Shura slung an arm around his neck and dragged him off toward the stairs. Mephisto grinned, spreading his arms wide.

"Don't you see?" He asked the Gregori, relishing the moment. "This is the perfect chance! Let's use Satan's Son to defeat Amaimon! Make the gamble! Will he become the Savior of Assiah, or the ruler of Gehenna? Don't you want to see it for yourself?"

He paused, waiting with bated breath. The Gregori sat in stony silence, mulling over their options. Finally, the elderly one raised his head and spoke.

"…Fifty bucks on the girl with the gazonga's."

"You…want to bet on Shura?" Mephisto asked, cocking his head in confusion.

"Hell no, I want a lap-dance."

"Oh, Godammit."

-Episode 16 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Can't wait to see more of you, Angel. Though I think for some reason you're not so eager. Oh well! It was fun anyway. Review, please!


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: N'other one enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 17

Temptation

Back where we left off from the previous episode, Mephisto and Rin had been summoned to court, facing charges of public idiocy and reckless endangerment of intelligence and reason, Amaimon had gone Super Saiyan Level Four and was attacking the place from the catacombs, and Yukio and the other students had snuck into Mordor and were re-forging the Kurikara in the lava pits of Mount Doom.

…Okay, not _really_, but you get what I mean, right? Shit be goin' DOWN.

Chaos reigned in the courtroom, people running in circles, screaming as the building shook and crumbled under the angered assault of Amaimon down below. Mephisto raised an inquisitive finger and leaned close to the nearby bailiff.

"Safe to assume court is in recess?" He asked innocently. The bailiff let loose a blood-curdling scream of terror and promptly ran into the nearby wall.

"It must be, he's already playing my favorite game!" Rin stated from the confines of his crystalline prison. "I am the undisputed CHAMP of running into walls. Wanna challenge me?"

"Oh, but you're already challenged in _so_ many ways," Mephisto returned with a sigh. He whirled and raised his arms, addressing the Grigori, who sat on the raised bench above and muttered worriedly to one another. "Listen, people! It's NOT that hard a decision! Just order me to use the Son of Satan as a weapon to fight against Amaimon! Whatever happens, at least one of 'em will die and there'll be one idiot less to worry about! We win either way!"

"Hey!" Rin snapped indignantly, glaring at Mephisto. "What makes you think I'll listen to you?"

Mephisto stared back at him blankly for a moment before answering.

"I'll stop sending you naked photos of myself."

"…What if I kinda like them a little?" Rin replied.

"Then I'll send naked pictures of Mr. Tsubaki."

"OH GOD I'LL DO IT."

Several floors below, in the dark catacombs, swarms of small green gremlins clogged the narrow hallways, fighting their way to the upper floors. Exorcists stood their ground, firing shots into the group and holding them at bay. The ground shook as Amaimon, riding his massively-grown Behemoth, emerged, lashing his long green tail and swollen arms. Horns jutted from his brow as he snarled, glaring about.

"Where is that little turd?" He roared. "He is SO dead! I know he's here, I can smell him!" He paused, sniffing. "…No wait I think I just stepped in something when we went through the sewers nevermind."

Suddenly Angel stepped out from the shadows, brushing his long blonde hair back as he slowly drew his blade.

"Watch yourself, Amaimon," he said in a dangerous voice, "for I am the newly-appointed Paladin, the-"

"Wait for me, homo!" Shura snapped, rushing up behind him. "Phew! What'd I miss?"

"Ladies should stay back," Angel snorted with disdain, raising his blade.

"…Then why aren't you back there-"

"NEVERMIND GET IN THE FRONT I HOPE YOU DIE-" Angel suddenly broke off, quietly considering Shura's feet. "Try not to bleed on your shoes."

"I left them all to Yukio in my will."

"You BITCH!" In his fury, he swung his sword down, accidently striking the large Behemoth and killing it instantly. It burst apart, pieces scattering everywhere. Amaimon stood frozen, a dumbstruck expression on his face.

"My…Behemoth…" he whimpered softly. "My…my…_BEHEMOTH_!" He threw back his head and roared with fury, the walls and floor trembling with his wrath.

"…On second thought, you're probably right." Shura stated, patting Angel's shoulder. "Bye!" She whirled and dashed off down the hallway.

"Don't leave me alone with him!" Angel squealed, hurrying after her. "I'm too pretty! He'll totally rape me!"

*_CRASH_!*

The pair were sent flying through the wall, tumbling into the lit courtroom beyond. The Grigori gasped in horror as a huge earthen golem smashed through after them, busting down the rest of the beams and crawling inside. Amaimon grinned and laughed from one of the eye-sockets, controlling the enormous monstrosity with his Demonic power.

As the magical crest on the floor cracked, Rin's crystal prison fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. He gave a whoop of joy and leapt to his feet, dancing happily.

"You saved me, Link!" He cried. "About effing time, too. Now hurry, the other girls are-" Then he saw the huge earth-golem of Amaimon looming over him. "Holy SHIT what is going ON? This SO wasn't in the manga!"

"Get used to it!" Mephisto snapped. "Alotta stuff is gonna be different now!"

"You mean you'll actually be _normal_?"

"Oh, not a chance in Hell."

"_I found you, you little turd!"_ Amaimon cried, one huge hand descending toward Rin. "_You're gonna get it now_!" Rin stared up at him, eyes wide, mouth agape.

"…I'm guessing this'll be worse than a noogie, correct?"

"_I will devour your entrails and piss on your SOUL_!"

"Okay yeah so definitely worse."

"RIN!" Another voice suddenly joined the fray. Rin glanced up to find Suguro atop the nearby balcony, gripping the rail and panting for breath. "I've got something for you!"

"Oh God what is it?" Rin gasped, clapping his hands with delight. "No wait don't tell me, it'll ruin the surprise. Uh…is it your virginity? No, no. Maybe-"

"It's your SWORD, stupid!" Suguro pulled an arm back and hurled the Kurikara down, the sword cracking Rin between the eyes and clattering to his feet.

"…That was my next guess." Rin snatched up his sword and quickly unsheathed it, blue flames crackling into being as he glared up at his older brother. "You big bully. I've had enough! Prepare to die!" He grit his teeth and raised the sword, eyes narrowed.

"_Hah_!" Amaimon chortled, towering over the younger boy. "_Just try! You can't hurt_-"

Then the fart from last episode finally hit him.

"_Oh…oh GOD what IS that_?" He gagged, trembling in horror. "_It smells like loneliness and desperation! Euuuugh, it BURNS_!" He let out a pitiful wail as the golem immediately crumbled to dust, himself bursting into blue flames and burning away.

"Huh." Rin blinked, watching Amaimon dissolve into nothing. "It must have concentrated in that crystal or something. Aged like fine wine." He paused. "On another note, now I'm unconscious." And he fell to the floor in a dead faint.

"Hah!" Angel was suddenly on his feet, standing over Rin with his sword at the boy's throat. "Little bastard, I'll never get this smell out of my cape! Febreeze can only do so much! Time to-"

"Get away from him, you raging MO!" Shiemi shrieked as she and the other students, along with Yukio, appeared in the doorway.

"Rin!" His twin gasped out, but they were all too far away to help.

"Stop, Angel," the elder of the Grigori commanded. "We have decided to take Mephisto's gamble. Will this boy become the savior of Assiah, or a Demon King that will bring upon the destruction of everything?"

"…Or, you know, just an idiot who gets on your nerves," Mephisto added with a shrug. "My money's on the last one."

"Mine too," Yukio snorted while the others nodded in agreement.

Angel frowned, sword still poised over Rin's throat.

"Can't I at least shave an eyebrow?"

"Gawd, Angel, why do you have to be such a _jerk_-"

"Look at them! They're practically HEDGES!"

-Several Days Later…-

Mephisto was at True Cross Academy, standing at the head of the classroom, waiting as the other Exorcist teachers gathered inside and took their seats. Once everyone had arrived, he cleared his throat and began.

"I called this meeting today," Mephisto spoke aloud, "to tell you that we will all be raising Rin Okumura, the Son of Satan, here at True Cross Academy." He grinned and clapped his hands together. "Congratulations! We're all dads!"

One Exorcist slowly raised his hand in the back.

"Yes?" Mephisto asked pleasantly.

"…I'd like to resign as of today-"

"Sit the fuck down."

He did.

"But…is this wise?" Another spoke up, exchanging worried glances with other teachers. "Is there really no danger?" Mephisto chuckled and shook his head.

"None whatsoev-"

*_BOOM! CRASH_!*

The Academy suddenly shook with a violent explosion, plaster crumbling from the ceiling.

"Godammit Rin! Not again!" A voice called from above, followed by an inhuman roar and more crashes.

All the teachers raised their hands as one.

"…We'd like to resign as well-"

"Everyone sit down or I will pay you in QUARTERS!" Mephisto barked, banging his umbrella down on the table-top. Everyone flinched and quickly took their seats again.

"But…the risk is too great!" A particularly brave (or stupid) teacher continued to protest. "Why do WE have to be the ones to take care of him? Why not the Vatican, or someone else?"

"Because I would like to gamble…" Mephisto purred, "on the potential of Rin Okumura."

Once more, a man in the back raised his hand.

"They have a hot-line for that problem."

Mephisto dug into his pocket and whipped a fistful of quarters at the man.

The meeting was adjourned soon afterward, the teachers dismissed back to their duties. Mephisto skipping off down the hallway, humming to himself and twirling his umbrella. Yukio followed the man out, hurrying to catch up.

"Mephisto! Wait!" He called out. "Why are you doing this? It's too reckless! We should just…put him down!" Yukio paused to take a breath. "I nominate _myself_-"

"The Grigori have two conditions with this agreement," Mephisto suddenly cut him off, spinning around to face him. "One, to have Rin Okumura pass the Exorcist exam in several months-"

"He can't even pass a URINE test!" Yukio cried.

"-and two," Mephisto continued smoothly, "to have someone watch him at all times." He grinned evilly. "Guess who I'm leaving that to."

"…God?"

"No. You."

"_What_?" Yukio sputtered. "No way! Absolutely not! It's impossible! I can't-"

"Oh, come now!" Mephisto chuckled, patting his shoulder. "This is excellent fanfiction batter-"

Yukio spun around and stormed off down the hall, muttering expletives under his breath.

"Seriously, it's on par with Light and L being hand-cuffed together for a week or whatever!" Mephisto called after him.

-With Rin-

Rin stood in his dorm-room, staring moodily at the Kurikara, remembering the events of the past days. After the fiasco at the courtroom had been concluded, Yukio and the others had taken him to see the girl who re-forged the sword.

"Take good care of it," she told him, gesturing to the sword. "I fixed it this time, but I can't promise anything for the next time. So make sure to take good care of it."

"Hmm." Back in his dorm, Rin raised the sheathed blade, studying it curiously. Then he began vigorously scratching his nasty back with it. "_Ohhhh_ yeah that's the spot."

_Rin_, Kuro said, hopping up onto the windowsill beside the boy. _You'd better hurry, or you'll be late for class!_

"Oh, right." Rin paused. "Here, scratching post!" He held out the Kurikara to Kuro.

_Whee_! Kuro purred and lunged with his claws out.

-In the Classroom…-

The cram-school students were in the classroom, busily cleaning the place before their summer vacation the next day. Suguro and Shima worked together to catch wandering specks of Coal Tar while Izumo and Shiemi cleaned the chalkboard nearby.

"Here, let me help," Konekomaru offered, walking over to the girls.

"Oh, we're fine," Shiemi gently assured him. "You should go sit down." Her gaze dropped to his wounded arm, which was covered in a thick white cast.

"You're weak and injured," Izumo told him blankly. "If this was the wild, we'd eat you to put you out of your misery." Konekomaru laughed weakly, then stopped when she continued staring at him intently. Slowly he backed away.

*_BAM_!*

Suddenly the door smashed open, Rin crashing inside, swinging his sword around and screaming like a maniac.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAYOU'REALLGONNADIEEEEahahahaha_, just kidding, guys!" He broke off laughing and shook his head. "Don't worry, I haven't gone berserk again. You're all safe. You should have seen the looks on your faces! What's up?" He held up a fist for Suguro to pound.

He simply slugged Rin in the face.

"OW! What the- you're supposed to bump my fist, not my face, dumbass! The hell is wrong with you?"

"The hell is wrong with YOU?" Suguro shot back, fists clenched. "You can't just come barging in here pretending that you're gonna kill us all!"

"Aw, come on," Rin protested. "You guys all knew I was just playing aro- why is there pee that _isn't_ mine on the floor?" Then he noticed Konekomaru curled up in a ball on the floor, sucking his thumb. "…Maybe that was a little much. What's wrong with him?"

"He's scared of you," Izumo stated from the back.

"Really?" Rin blinked and stared down at Konekomaru, a sad look on his face. Then he faked a punch.

"_EEEEK_!"

"Rin, stop it!"

"Don't worry, Konekomaru!" Rin said, pulling the trembling boy to his feet. "I know how I'll regain your trust! How about if I punch the wall, break a bunch of shit, unwittingly unleash a swarm of Coal Tar on the girls, then set everything on fire with my potentially-deadly flames of Hell?"

"Uh…you really don't have-" Konekomaru whimpered out.

"Nonsense!" And he proceeded to do just as he said.

"_Yeeeek_!" The girls shrieked in fear, cowering as Rin's blue flames engulfed them.

"Aim for their clothes!" Shima cried from the back. "Their _clothes_!"

"You are NOT helping!" Suguro snarled, shoving past the boy and snatching up a fire extinguisher. He rushed toward Rin, raised the nozzle and-

Hit him over the head with it.

"Ow I am quite sure you are using that incorrectly-" Rin stated, clutching his bruised head as his flames winked out.

"Well so are you!" Suguro shot back, grabbing Rin by the collar and pulling him close. "You almost _killed_ them!"

"Uh, we're fine, actually," Shiemi stated matter-of-factly. "I think he exfoliated our skin while he was at it."

"My pores have _never_ looked better," Izumo murmured, admiring her pristine reflection in a small pocket-mirror.

"Shut UP!" Suguro barked, turning back to Rin. "Those flames can KILL! A lot of our relatives died on the Blue Night when Satan burned them to ashes! I'm sure they've hurt someone precious to you, too!"

Rin's expression suddenly crumpled, and he sniffed hard, holding back tears.

"_S…Smokey…"_

"I meant your DAD."

"Oh yeah that old asshole too."

"My point IS," Suguro continued through gritted teeth, "if you hurt anyone close to me, I WILL kill you."

Rin stared back at him, eyes wide with shock. Finally, he spoke in a hushed whisper.

"…Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

"…Okay, fuck it. I'm just gonna kill you now."

"_You will not take this from me_- I mean…enough, you two!" Yukio suddenly appeared, stepping between the boys and shoving them apart. "Knock it off!"

"I'm in the middle of breaking up with Bon, Yukio!" Rin snarled. "Get lost!"

"WE WERE NEVER _TOGETHER_!" Suguro protested.

"Oh, now you just wanna forget everything we've been through! You JERK!"

"Listen, you son of a bitch-"

Before Rin could reply, Yukio simply grabbed him by the back of the neck and hauled him away toward the door. He struggled to get one last word in before disappearing through the door.

"THE BABY IS YOURS!"

-Later…-

Rin was dragged to a large, empty gym room, the walls lined with benches and exercise equipment. Rin yanked his arm free from Yukio's harsh grip and harrumphed, glaring at his twin brother.

"Why do I have to take special classes?" He growled moodily.

Yukio stared back at him with a blank expression.

"Yeah that question was kinda rhetorical." Rin shrugged and gave up. "Do I get to color shit? Cuz I am _so_ down with that." Glancing around the expansive room, he suddenly gasped and ran over to a row of batting cages, raising his sword. "Oooh! Sweet! I wanna play! Come on, put a quarter in, Yukio!"

"Rin, we are not done talking-"

"Quit being such a cheap asshole!"

"…Yes. Yes, you can play. Catch the balls with your teeth, Rin." Yukio calmly deposited a quarter and pressed a series of buttons.

"Initiating Armageddon Mode," the computer said in a pleasant female voice.

"Rin, listen," Yukio said, once again serious, leaning against the cage's chain-link fence. "If you don't pass the authorization exam in six months-"

"I'll get a frowny face sticker?" Rin asked, readying his sword.

"They'll kill you."

"Oh." Rin blinked. "Well that's pretty fu-"

_*THUDTHUDTHUDTHUNKTHUD*_!

"Heyyyy, boys!" A familiar voice called out. Yukio turned to find Shura strutting over, dressed in a short kimono-like garment, a large sack slung over a shoulder.

"Who…_are_…you?" Rin asked in confusion, climbing to his feet and rubbing his bruised face. "I don't believe we've ever met." Shura scowled, rolled her eyes, and pulled open the top to flash some cleavage. "But WE have! It's just you, Shura. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without your tits hanging out- _GWAGH_!"

Shura dumped the huge bag on Rin before he could say any more.

"Here's your special training!" She said sweetly.

"Experiencing what it's like to be morbidly obese?"

"No, stupid. THESE." Shura untied the top of the sack and pulled out several small wax candles from the bundle. "Here. Line up three of these, and light the two on the sides."

"Ha! This shit is easy!" Rin crawled out from under the sack, set the candles in a row, and quickly lit the two on the sides with a small lighter. "See? Piece o' cake."

"WITH YOUR _FLAMES_, YOU DUMBASS."

"Oh." Rin blinked, staring at the candles. "_Shit_." Muttering, he sat down, face screwing up with concentration. "_Hnnnnnnrgh_!" Immediately the vending machine on the other side of the gym burst into flames.

"…Try again," Shura urged.

"_Hnnnnrgh_!"

Many miles away, a man walking down the street and whistling happily to himself was suddenly engulfed in a blue inferno. Needless to say he never again had what is called a human face.

"Okay I don't even _know_ what happened there." Shura frowned. "Come on, Rin. One more time."

"_HnnnnNNNNRRRRRGH_!" Rin trembled with effort, fists clenched, sweating and pushing as hard as he could. Suddenly he froze, blinking. "…I think I need to change my pants."

"Rin! You're not even trying!" Shura chided.

"This is hard!" Rin snapped back. "And that is NOT what she said!"

"Do you know why you lost yourself in the fight against Amaimon?" Shura asked, crossing her arms. Rin frowned and looked up at her.

"Because I kept visualizing Bon naked?"

"No, because you were scared- wait, WHAT?"

"Okay I remember now," Rin quickly corrected himself. "I was scared. Totally scared. Pissin' my pants and everything. Yup."

"Just…just work on boosting your confidence, okay?" Shura went on.

"So, what, get Viagra?"

"GODAMMIT RIN JUST LIGHT THE FUCKING CANDLES." Shura breathed out a long sigh and wandered away from the struggling (in so many ways) boy so as not to catch his stupid. Her eyes lit up as she noticed the row of batting cages, and she grinned evilly. "Hey, Yukio! Let's have a round, for old times sake!" Yukio frowned and didn't move. "Come on, don't you have warm memories of this place?" Yukio's frown deepened as he remembered…

-Years Ago…-

"Woo-hoo! I won again!" A young Shura cheered, hopping up and down with glee. She wore her patented inappropriate garb of bikini-top and skirt-combo, not that any of the male audience members are complaining. "You lose, Yukio! Gimme your pants!"

"Dammit!" A younger Yukio cursed angrily, unbuckling his pants.

"Hey!" Reverend Fujimoto walked over to the batting cages, smiling at the unlikely pair. "What are you two up-" He froze, eyes on his young son, who stood next to Shura in nothing but his boxers. "Holy shit I'm calling the cops."

"It's just a game of strip-batting!" Shura protested. "We're just playing around!"

"He's, like, TEN," Fujimoto ground out, "and you're dressed like a stripper. Seriously, your skirt is so short I can almost see your balls-"

*_THWACK_!*

Shura smacked the Reverend with her wooden sword.

"Ow! I meant the ones on the floor!"

"Oh." Shura blinked and lowered the sword in shame. "Sorry."

"Your penis, though, is perfectly visible-"

*_THWACK_!*

-Back to the Present!-

Yukio winced at the particularly stupid memory, shaking his head in a vain attempt to banish it forever. Maybe he could get meds. Smiling, he glanced up at Shura, who stood at the cages, waiting.

"Alright," he said. "Let's make a bet. Whoever messes up first on Infinity Mode loses."

"Hmph." Shura smirked, cocking an eyebrow. "Okay. What do you want if you win?" Yukio's eyes narrowed and he immediately replied.

"ALL OF YOUR SHOES."

"You son of a bitch." Shura glared back, suddenly dead serious. "You're on."

"What is it with you and SHOES?" Rin asked aloud from the aisle.

"What's with you and shitting yourself?" Yukio shot back.

"Touché." Rin turned back to the row of candles without another word.

Yukio and Shura entered the cage, Yukio loading his gun while Shura readied her sword. Several seconds later, a rain of balls shot from the opposite wall, speeding toward the pair with frightening velocity. Both Yukio and Shura effortlessly struck the balls down with deadly accuracy, not even breaking a sweat at the impressive feat.

"Hey," Rin called to them, "can you keep it down? I can't concentrate over the sound of you two being FUCKING AWESOME!"

"Yukio," Shura murmured, her eyes never leaving the approaching projectiles, "spies from the Vatican will be watching Rin, and you as well. I'd be more careful about sitting down to pee from now on."

"Ha!" Yukio snorted in reply. "Then you should be more careful about _standing up_ when _you_-"

"Okay, I walked right into that one," Shura chuckled, expertly striking left and right. "You have the same blood as Rin, Yukio, so to the Vatican, you're just as dangerous. What will happen if one day Satan's power appears in you, too? Will you go berserk like Rin? Or…"

"That wont' happen!" Yukio snapped, cutting her off. His brow gleamed with sweat, his concentration wavering. "I believe in my brother. Rin…will _never_ again lose control-"

"Stupid fucking CANDLES are MOCKING ME!"

*_WROOOOOOOOSH_!*

A wave of blue flames washed over the gymnasium, burning Yukio and Shura's clothing to ashes. The pair whirled to find Rin crouched over his candles, staring at them guiltily.

"They started it," he stated, pointing at the melted lumps of wax. Suddenly he frowned. "…Why are you two wearing the same underwear?"

"…That's _none_ of your business!" Yukio barked, hurrying toward the door. Shura rolled her eyes.

"Oh, please. They look _so_ much better on me. Right, Rin?" She turned to Rin, who stared back at her blankly. "Rin, come on. Say it. It looks better on me. Right?"

"…Better get back to training!" Rin quickly turned away and rustled in the bag for more candles.

"Godammit Rin you need help."

-Later That Night…-

Suguro sat hunched over the small desk in his dorm-room, studying a book and quietly muttering mantras to himself in the soft light of his lamp. A sound from behind caused him to stop and glance over his shoulder, peering into the darkness of the room.

"Oh, sorry, Konekomaru," he said, finding his timid roommate hovering there. "Did I wake you up?"

"No, it's okay. I just went and took a MASSIVE bowel movement," the other boy answered pleasantly. "I was backed up there for a couple days." There was a long pause between the two boys. "Well, g'night!"

"I want to win," Suguro suddenly spoke. Konekomaru paused and blinked at him in confusion.

"You…want to…take a bigger dump than me?"

"No! I mean against _Rin_," Suguro clarified. Konekomaru snorted.

"Aren't you already?"

"I am?" Suguro frowned. "How?"

"Not shitting yourself every episode."

"Huh. Well that's true. G'night!" Suguro turned back to his book, muttering under his breath once again. Konekomaru smiled at his friend and silently slipped out of the room. He climbed the stairs to the rooftop, staring up at the stars and angsting over the recent turn of events during the past few days.

"Why does all this crazy stuff have to be happening?" He spoke quietly to himself, sighing. "Seriously, am I the _only_ sane person on this show?"

"Not for long!" An evil voice chuckled from the shadows.

"Oh God I spoke too soon." Konekomaru scrambled to his feet, trying hard to mask his fear as he glared about the rooftop, trembling. "Who…who's there?" He called out nervously. Red eyes glowed in the dark, watching the frightened boy with malicious intent. "I…I'M NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE SELLING! PLEASE DON'T CALL AGAIN!"

But it was too late. A dark shadow detached from the night sky and swept straight for him.

-Down Below…-

In one of the empty hallways of the Academy, Rin was still trying his hardest to master the special training assigned to him by Shura. The proper technique still eluded him, and he failed time and time again to light the two candles on the sides.

"Dammit! Why can't I do it?" He finally cried aloud in frustration. There was a step behind him, and Rin turned to find Izumo staring down at him, eyes flicking suspiciously between the boy and the row of smoldering candles.

"…If you're trying to burn down the school," she said coolly, "you've come to the right person."

"…What?" Rin asked in confusion.

"What?"

"…You just said-"

"What are you doing?" Izumo went on, quickly changing the subject. Rin shrugged.

"Special training because I'm special. See, I have to use my flames to light the two candles on the sides without lighting the one in the middle. But it's friggin' impossible! I don't think I can do it."

"Huh." Izumo's eyes narrowed as she studied the candles, thinking. "Maybe I can help. Remember when the Ghoul attacked Paku, and my familiars-"

"DOG TREATS, THAT'S IT!" Rin cried aloud, clapping his hands together.

"No, wait, that's not what I meant-"

"Thanks, eyebrows!" Rin stood up, grabbed Izumo, and proceeded to attack her with his face. Just as suddenly, he shoved her back, grinning wide. "You're WELCOME." He paused for a moment, frowning. "Oh crap I'm a little turned on."

Izumo went up like a struck match.

"_IIIIEEEEEEE_!"

"Oh GOD I am so sorry!" Rin squealed, throwing the girl to the ground and trying to get her to roll around to douse the blue flames. "She'd probably kill me, revive me with black magic, then kill me again if I peed on her."

A sudden strong gust of wind blew down the hallway, extinguishing the flames and blowing Rin's hair back. He straightened, glaring into the shadows as he sensed a sinister presence watching him.

"Who's out there?" Rin barked out. "I…I am perfectly happy with my long-distance provider! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

A huge black shadow suddenly swooped down at him, beady red eyes gleaming.

"But then again, I DO get a lot of dropped calls and dick-pics," Rin added pleasantly. "Where do I sign?"

-Episode 17 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Oh boy time for filler next time! Though pretty much the rest of the story is different from the manga. I'm sure I'll manage. Review, please!


	18. Chapter 18

Author's Note: Uggggh sick but here you go anyway. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 18

Gale

The black shadow swept down the hall toward Rin, who growled in challenge and held his ground, Izumo at his side. As the shadow neared, beady red eyes flashed in the dark, and a thick yellow bill opened to emit a thunderous screech. Fat wattles hung from the creature's throat, its powerful wings creating violent gusts of wind.

"Omigosh it's Super Chicken y'alls-"

"Shut up, Rin!" Izumo snapped, reaching into her pocket and pulling free her portable Demonic Circles. With a short chant, her two fox spirits blazed into existence, ready to heed her commands.

"Izumo!" Rin cried in astonishment.

"Calm down, Rin. I'm just gonna-"

"Can I have a dog biscuit?"

"What? NO!"

"But I'm so _huuuuuungry_!"

"Okay, change of target," Izumo turned and addressed her loyal bitches. "Attack the stupid one."

"You're _really_ gonna have to be more specific, Master," they replied.

With a mighty flap of its wings, the evil bird tore Izumo's paper circles to shreds, dismissing her summons and leaving her defenseless. Rin staggered from the onslaught, fighting to keep his balance.

"Oooh, panties!" He squealed in delight as Izumo's skirt flapped about. "Again, again!" Then he went flying back into the nearby door, smashing through it to the classroom beyond.

"Oooh, physical harm! Again, again!" Izumo mimicked him, clapping her hands.

Rin tumbled head-over-heels into the empty classroom, landing with a crash on the teacher's desk. Papers flew about in the strong breeze, fluttering around the room like a flock of birds. One slapped Rin in the face, who snorted with surprise and pulled it free, glaring at the paper.

"Bwahaha!" He chortled. "Check it out! This dumbass got a 'K' for 'Kill Yourself'." Then he noticed his own name scribbled at the top. "I'm sure he has a _wonderful_ personality." He paused. "And one ROCKIN' ass."

With a raucous caw, the huge bird swept into the room, landing heavily on Rin. Its sharp beak jabbed down as Rin screamed like a Justin Beiber fan-

*_BLAM BLAM BLAM_!*

Yukio stood in the doorway, firing shots at the looming threat. The bird-Demon quickly leapt into the air and fled through the nearby window.

"Oh, Yukio, you saved me!" Rin gasped out in relief. "Thank you-"

*_BLAM BLAM_!*

"Yukio! The _hell_?" Rin sputtered, bullet-holes smoking next to him.

"I'm just making sure the horrible Demon is gone." Yukio paused and stared accusingly at Rin, eyes narrowed. "It's not."

Several minutes later, Exwires began filing into the Academy, making their way through the halls to their designated classrooms. Suguro, Shiemi, and Shima entered their own classroom to find it in a state of disarray, with papers scattered everywhere, desks and chairs smashed. Rin and Izumo were busy cleaning up the mess with brooms and dustpans.

"Alright," Shima demanded aloud, hands on his hips. "Who had the orgy without me?"

"Shut up!" Izumo growled, throwing a glare his way. "We were attacked by a Demon!"

"…So it was a Demon orgy?" Shima clarified.

"No! A Demon was trying to KILL us!"

"…Was it hot?"

"…Okay, that's it, this is going up your ASS-" Izumo started toward him, brandishing her broom.

"Wait, why are you guys here?" Rin asked in confusion. "Why aren't you in class?"

"Haven't you seen the message?" Suguro frowned. Rin and Izumo paused to check their phones.

"Alright, penis-enlargement supplements!" Rin squealed excitedly. "There's hope for me after all!"

"No, stupid, the OTHER message!" Suguro barked. Rin scrolled down.

"Fuck…you…?"

"That's the one I sent you. Next one."

"_Hellooooo_, students!" Mephisto sang, spinning into the classroom and tipping his hat as he curtsied. Rin stared at him and scowled unhappily.

"How the fuck do I delete this message?" He asked aloud.

"True-Cross Academy is in a state of emergency," Mephisto explained, ignoring Rin. "A Demon named Gale has infiltrated the school and has been accosting the student body with spam and junk emails. In summary, he's a huge nuisance."

"We FOUND him!" Rin cried, jabbing a finger at Mephisto. "Get 'im, guys!"

Mephisto calmly turned on his phone, hit a few buttons, took a photo of himself flipping the bird, and pressed SEND.

*_Bling_!*

"Oh, hey I got something," Rin said pleasantly, taking out his phone. "I wonder what it could- _HEY_!"

"The Academy is normally protected by Mephisto's barriers," Yukio went on while Rin and Mephisto squabbled in the background. "So usually strong Demons can't enter-"

"Gah-_CHOOO_!" Rin sneezed explosively, blinking his eyes and wincing in pain. "Oh God I think there was a little bit of blood in that one."

"So there's two possibilities," Mephisto finished. "Either my barrier has a weak point, or someone from the inside invited the Demon in."

"Or you're just a fucking idiot," Rin added. Everyone turned to stare at him. "I'm just saying it's a possibility." He paused. "A very big one."

"Rin, detention," Mephisto stated.

"Big whoop." Rin rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"You will spend it cleaning my underwear."

"What? You can't-"

"After burrito night."

"SON OF A-"

"This is quite the mystery," Suguro muttered to himself. "Who…and why?"

"It was Colonel Mustard in the Observatory with the WRENCH-"

"Rin, shut up!"

"You're just mad I solved the murder before you," Rin snorted.

"That's not fair! I didn't have all the clues-" Suguro began to argue.

"ANYWAY," Yukio ground out, cutting them off, "the teachers are all going to be busy tracking down Gale, so all of you Exwires will be going around the school grounds inspecting the barriers."

"Piece of cake," Shima grinned. "How many barriers are there?"

"Oh, not too many," Yukio answered innocently. "Ten…twenty…"

"Well that doesn't sound too-"

"_Billion_."

"Godammit."

The Exwires paired off and departed, muttering darkly to themselves. Rin attempted to slink out with the crowd, but Yukio grabbed him by the collar and hauled him back into the classroom.

"Ow! What? You want me to train or some-"

Yukio held up a pair of filthy bloomers.

"Get to scrubbing."

"Awww. Don't I at least get GLOVES?" Rin begged. "A haz-mat suit? ANYTHING? Come ON!"

-Later That Day…-

Suguro and Shima paired off and quickly got to work, wandering the Academy grounds double-checking the many barriers. Together they tipped open a drain-lid cover and peeked beneath to find the barrier sound and functional.

"Oh GOD this is exhausting!" Shima moaned, wiping his gleaming brow. "How many have we done so far?"

"Counting this one?" Suguro asked, flipping through his pages and tallying up the total.

"Yeah."

"One."

"MOTHER-" Shima bit off his curse and shook his head. "And to top it all off, Konekomaru is nowhere to be found."

"You're worried about him?" Suguro raised an eyebrow.

"Hell no, he should be helping us out, the little asshole."

"He wasn't there when I woke up," Suguro said, standing. "And he's not answering his cell, either."

"Isn't that kind of…_suspicious_?" Shima asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nope!" The two continued on with their work, holding hands and merrily skipping off down the road. "Tra la la la laaa~!"

On a nearby rooftop, Gale appeared in a miniature black whirl-wind and none-too-gently dumped Konekomaru to the ground.

"…I suppose this is my one and only chance to experience what a one-night stand feels like," the small boy muttered to himself, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. "Kinda lonely…and guilty."

Gale perched on a nearby fence, beady red eyes watching the boy with feral cunning.

"Why do you keep rejecting me?" The sinister Demon asked in a wheedling voice. "With me at your side, you wouldn't have to be afraid of the Son of Satan!" He paused for a moment. "$19.95 plus shipping and handling."

"Will you stop trying to sell me stuff?" Konekomaru grumbled. "And trying to get me to kill people? It's getting _really_ annoying."

"Come now, let's fight together!" Gale pressed. "Together, we'll kill the Son of Satan, and-!"

"No!" Konekomaru protested, shaking his head. "That's not what I want! What I want is-"

"Oxyclean! Get those bloodstains out of your clothes, but not your filthy murdering heart. Order now to receive-"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Accept the darkness in your heart, boy," Gale chuckled evilly, slowly fading away. "…Results may vary."

Back in the classroom, Rin was busy scrubbing the skid-marks out of Mephisto's underpants. After several moments of intense scrubbing, he dropped the bloomers into a basin of soapy water and glanced over at Yukio, who stood close by, reading.

"Who here is willing to hose me off after I'm all done?" He asked aloud. Yukio simply whipped out his gun and aimed it in Rin's general direction. "Myself, gotcha." He went back to the nasty underwear. "So, wait. Why are you here, anyway?" Rin glanced back at his brother again, frowning. "Isn't there somewhere you should be, a gay strip-club maybe?"

"That's only on Thursdays," Yukio returned distractedly.

"Oh, okay." Rin wrung out a pair of bloomers and shook it out with a snap. "Wait, WHAT?"

"Stop fooling around, Rin!" Yukio suddenly exploded, effectively changing the subject. "You don't have time for this! At this rate, you'll- _UGH_!" Suddenly he cut off and grimaced in pain. Rin blinked in surprise.

"What's wrong?" Rin asked, concern etched into his features. "Gotta shit?"

"No, you dumbass! Just…just forget it!"

"Oh, okay. I get you." Rin paused. "You gotta boner on account of my irresistible sexiness and now you're embarrassed-"

"GODAMMIT RIN-" Yukio shoved past the boy and stormed off into the hallway.

"I fucking LOVE you, man!" Rin hollered after him. He waited a moment for a response, then shrugged and turned back to the bucket of soapy water, lifting out the next pair of undergarments. "…Good God is this a _thong_?" He paused for a long moment, then slowly began stepping into them.

Just then, Konekomaru walked into the classroom, caught sight of Rin, and froze like a deer in head-lights. Rin stared back blankly, equally as frozen.

"…I just wanted to see what it _felt_ like," he stated after a moment. Suddenly he frowned, glancing at Konekomaru's bandaged arm. "Wait. What're you doing up, Konekomaru? Shouldn't you be in-"

"Troublesome stains?" Gale suddenly said, appearing on Konekomaru's shoulder. "Try Urine-B-Gone! Guaranteed to get your toughest stains out! Warning: removes urine stains, but not humiliation."

Rin's eyes went wide, and he gasped in horror.

"_Oh my God you're the Demon who_- I'll take ten."

Yukio, meanwhile, was in the bathroom, gun in his mouth, finger on the trigger. All he needed was the will. Luckily he was interrupted by Suguro and Shima, who walked into the bathroom complaining about the fierce summer heat.

"I swear to God, my semen are _cooking_," Shima was saying matter-of-factly. "I'll probably never be able to breed."

"That's not really a bad thing," Suguro commented, then noticed Yukio standing by the sink. "Please back me up with this."

"Rough day?" Yukio asked with a smile.

"The worst," Suguro sighed. "Though I have the feeling it's _just_ about to get worse."

A sudden scream echoed from down the hallway.

"Dammit, Shima! Stop going into the girl's bathroom!" Suguro roared.

"I'm right _here_!" Shima yelled back, standing next to him. "And that was _one_ time."

"It was five. There were restraining orders involved." Suguro's eyes narrowed. "…We should probably go see who's screaming."

"Yeah okay."

The three boys dashed out into the hallway to find Konekomaru staggering along the wall in fright, gasping for breath.

"Help!" He choked out, falling to his knees. "He's gone crazy!"

"Konekomaru?" Suguro hurriedly knelt beside his friend. "What's wrong?"

"It's Rin," Konekomaru explained breathlessly. "He just suddenly just _attacked_ me!"

"…Oh. That's it?" Suguro immediately relaxed.

"Geez, we thought it was something _important_," Shima snorted.

"Wait, what?" Konekomaru blinked in confusion.

"Dude, he _always_ hits you," Suguro said.

"Yeah, we're…kinda _used_ to it by now." Shima shrugged helplessly.

"Care about me, you assholes!"

"Guys, calm down!" Rin rushed out of the classroom, sword drawn and wreathed in blue flames. "It only _looks_ like I'm trying to brutally murder him."

"Rin, what is going on?" Yukio demanded, crossing his arms…_crossly_.

"See," Rin began, "I was simply ordering ten cases of Urine-B-Gone from OH GOD THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOUR SHOULDER!" Immediately he lunged for the boy, blue flames rushing hungrily for his tender flesh. With a cry, Suguro managed to knock the boy down in time to escape injury.

"Rin! Are you _crazy_?" Yukio exploded, charging forward and shoving him against the wall.

"…Buh…but I got the spider-" Rin began to argue.

"You son of a-" Suguro was on his feet, storming toward Rin with clenched fists.

"It's okay, Bon, he didn't hurt me-"

*_POW_!*

"Ouch!" Rin staggered back, clutching his bruised face. "The fuck was THAT for?"

"There was a _spider_," Suguro angrily drawled out.

"Oh. Really? Thanks."

"I was being sarcastic, dipshit!" Suguro barked.

"Oh." Rin blinked. "Well then you're an asshole." He paused again, looking Suguro up and done. "I'd still do ya."

Suguro went for another punch, but Yukio quickly intervened, pulling the enraged boy back.

"Leave some for me, dammit!"

-Even Later That Day…-

Elsewhere in the city, Shura and Mr. Tsubaki were teamed up for a very special super secret mission. Which I forget what it is. They stood together awkwardly and stared at one another, wondering at the rather odd partnership.

"…Aaand why are we working together again?" Shura asked blankly.

"Because we're the only two Exorcists who are sexually non-threatening to one another?" Mr. Tsubaki answered after a moment's thought.

"Right," Shura nodded. "That makes perfect sense. Feel free to honk my boobs."

"Only if you squeeze my wiener!" Mr. Tsubaki sang back.

After the consensual molest-fest was over, the two decided to get serious and begin the mission. Together they began combing the streets of the city much like Dog the Bounty Hunter, until they finally found what they were looking for. No, not a hair-salon, I mean a creepy abandoned van left in a vacant lot. Like the kind you find dead bodies and shit in. The two approached the vehicle and peeked inside.

"Oh my breasts!" Shura gasped out in wonderment. "It must be a portal created by a key!" The inside of the van led to a breathtaking snow-covered mountain range, obviously located many miles away.

"Eh, my shoe-closet is bigger," Mr. Tsubaki sniffed, unimpressed.

Leaving the effeminate man to fend for himself (and adjust his guyliner), Shura entered the portal and began walking through a snowy forest, searching for clues. This is also just about the only time she ever closes her jacket and hides her enormous tits.

"I don't want them to freeze and fall off!" Shura snapped, glaring at the narrator. Finally, about whole _minutes_ of searching, she came across a crumbling laboratory hidden away deep in the woods. Entering the frigid ruins, she began scouring the complex for any traces before turning around and freezing in her tracks.

A heavily-muscled naked man with claws and dog-tags stood before her, looking around in confusion.

"Where am I?" He asked. "Who am I?"

"_Jackpot_," Shura whispered under her breath.

Back at the Academy, Konekomaru's eyelids fluttered for a moment, then slowly opened. He winced at the light and weakly glanced around, getting his bearings. He was in the Academy's medical ward once again, tucked away in a small bed.

"Hey." Konekomaru blinked in surprise and turned to find Suguro seated beside him. "How do you feel?" Konekomaru forced a smile.

"…Did he…get the spider?"

"NOT funny," Suguro stated, frowning. Konekomaru chuckled.

"Sorry, couldn't resist." He slowly sat up, finding his glasses on the bedside table and slipping them on. "Thanks for keeping me company."

"I haven't seen you since this morning," Suguro said bluntly, eyes narrowing at his friend. "Where have you been, Konekomaru?"

"Uh…watching…infomercials?" The boy answered, which wasn't exactly a lie. Suddenly his face became serious as he looked up at his friend. "Bon, what do you think about Rin?"

"He's a mother-FUH-"

"Let's, uh, try and keep this PG-13."

"Tch. Fine." Suguro growled and started again. "He's an idiot, plain and simple.

"He scares me," Konekomaru admitted in a small voice, looking away. Suguro simply snorted in derision.

"You shouldn't be afraid of him," he stated. "If anything, you should be afraid FOR him. He'll obviously get nowhere in life and end up getting bumped by a car." A dreamy expression came over his face. "I pray every day for it to happen." With a weary sigh, he stood up and grabbed his bag, turning to leave. "Well, I gotta get back to work. Still have like a _million_ barriers to check and-"

"Bon, what happened to the back of your shirt?" Konekomaru cried.

"Huh?" Suguro paused and craned his neck back. "What, did I burn it when I pushed you-"

"…No, it says 'property of Rin Oku-"

"GODAMMIT THAT ASSHOLE!" Suguro turned and vaulted for the door. "I'm gonna make YOU Property of _Mephisto_!"

Konekomaru smiled as his friend rushed out of the room, but it quickly faded away as the sinister Demon Gale materialized on his head-rest, leaning in close to whisper dark words.

"You see? You need my help, boy," it hissed out softly. "You can't defeat the Son of Satan by yourself. You're too weak!"

"No, that's not what I want!" Konekomaru protested, covering his ears. "Leave me alone!"

"Come, join forces with me!" The evil bird continued. "Together, we'll defeat the Son of Satan!"

"No…no, I-"

"Patent pending."

A shriek of horror rang down the hallway, stopping Suguro in his tracks.

"Konekomaru?" He dashed back down the hall to the room just in time to see his friend merge with the Demon, donning it like a black cloak. Ill wind whistling through the room, the Demon then rose and crashed through one of the upper windows, scattering glass over the floor. "Konekomaru! You'd never leave a mess like this! Rin was right, something IS wrong with you!" Suguro stopped and considered the gravity of those words. "Oh dear God. Rin was right. It's the end of the world."

Shima was calmly walking down the hallway when Suguro came crashing down the stairs, tumbling head-over-heels. He landed with a thud at the pink-haired boy's feet and lay there for several seconds, panting.

"…What are you _doing_?" Shima squeaked out, clutching a plastic bag to his chest.

"Trying to kill myself." Suguro stated, standing up and brushing himself off. "Didn't work."

"Uh…okay." Shima held out the bag and shook it. "Anyway. Look, I just went to the store and got some titty magazines for Konekomaru-"

"We don't have time for that!" Suguro interrupted impatiently.

"Don't have time…for porn?" Shima slowly repeated, utterly flabbergasted. "Is that even _possible_?"

"I know it's hard to believe for you, but yes, it is." Suguro sighed. "That Demon, Gale, took Konekomaru. Hurry and call the others!"

"…I can't look at the magazine first-"

"NO!" Suguro turned and dashed off down the hall. Shima watched him go for a moment, then cautiously flipped the nudie magazine open and began to- "I SAID NO!"

"FINE!" Shima angrily smacked it closed and stormed off.

"What a nice night," Rin sighed, laying on a rooftop and gazing up at the blanket of stars suspended above. "Look, there's the Big Dipper! And I think that's Orion over there! See, there's his belt. And that's an evil Demon coming to kill me! So pretty." He sighed again and smiled, then suddenly frowned. "_Wait a minute_."

"DIE!" Gale dove for Rin, who barely managed to roll and dodge the attack. Rising, Rin gasped at the sight of the Konekomaru merged with the Demon, the two having become one.

"Konekomaru? Is that you?" He called out, gripping Kurikara. "Wow, you're actually _doing_ something, man! Good for you!" He beamed and clapped his hands.

"But not for YOU!" Gale flapped his powerful wings, the dark gusts shoving Rin back off the roof and into the empty air beyond.

"Ow still proud of you!" Rin cried, falling to the ground far below. As the two squared off on the Academy grounds, the other students appeared, running from the surrounding buildings, but the powerful gusts caused by the Demon prevented them from interfering.

"I will kill the Son of Satan!" The Demon declared aloud with a hideous screech.

"Don't you DARE take that from me, you son of a bitch!" Yukio hissed, drawing his gun. He fired several shots, but the strong winds immediately sent the tranquilizers straight back at him.

*_Doink_!*

"Mother-" Yukio began, then promptly fell over unconscious.

With a bestial roar, Gale charged forward and snatched Rin up, one huge hand shooting forward and grabbing the boy by the neck.

"I'll rip off your head!" The Demon snarled, grip tightening.

"No! Stop, Konekomaru!" Suguro cried from the sidelines.

"Don't do it!" Shima joined in.

"You guys…" Rin choked out, touched by his friend's concern. "You guys are…"

"You can't just hog him all to yourself, we want a piece of the action!"

"Yeah! You're being _really_ selfish right now, Konekomaru."

"…Assholes," Rin finished. "You guys are assholes."

"All of you, SHUT UP!" Gale howled, bowling them back with another blast. "I'm doing this to protect you! Nothing will stop me! NOTHING!"

"Not even…BREAD-CRUMBS?" Rin asked weakly, holding up a small paper bag and shaking it temptingly.

"Bread-crumbs?" Gale gasped with delight, eyes sparkling. "Are they stale?"

"Practically inedible," Rin affirmed.

"Oooh! _Gimme_!"

Gale immediately separated from Konekomaru, the boy limply falling to the ground while the bird Demon dove for the treats, beak pecking happily. Rin suddenly loomed over the Demon, scowling.

"You didn't say 'please'," he stated, and easily killed the Demon with a swing of his sword. "That's just RUDE." Then he picked the bag up and tipped the contents into his mouth.

"…Well that was anti-climactic," Shima stated, shrugging. He and Suguro hurriedly rushed to their friend's side.

"Yes, rush to my-" Rin began, then noticed them crouched next to Konekomaru, completely ignoring him. "I eat because I HURT inside," he whispered, shoving another handful of bread-crumbs into his mouth.

"Rin," Konekomaru whimpered, sitting up with the aid of Suguro. "Rin, I-"

"Whu?" Rin looked over, chewing noisily. "…I ain't sharing."

"…I was going to say I'm sorry," Konekomaru said slowly, "but to put it delicately, _fuck_ you."

"That's the spirit," Suguro grinned, patting his shoulder.

"He's gonna be okay," Shima whispered, brushing the tears from his eyes. "He's gonna be okay."

-Later That Night-

"So to sum it all up," Mephisto drawled, staring over his steepled fingers at Shura and Yukio, who stood the desk in his plush office, "Rin _didn't_ die."

"No," Yukio affirmed.

"Well, _my_ day is ruined."

"Welcome to my life," Yukio snorted.

"Uh, hello?" Shura interrupted, crossing her arms and glaring at the two men. "Shouldn't we be worried about the fact that someone has infiltrated the Academy and is using keys to create portals? This shit is pretty serious."

"Oh, please." Mephisto rolled his eyes. "That's nothing compared to the damage Rin's stupidity will wreak upon-"

"…Is that a hamster?"

"What?" Mephisto glanced down at his desk, where a pudgy green hamster with an uncanny resemblance to Amaimon sat, chewing on a pellet. "Oh. Yes. Just a perfectly ordinary rodent."

The hamster's head snapped up, eyes gleaming red with murderous intent.

"I WILL KILL YOU ALL-"

Mephisto snatched the hamster up, shoved it into a small plastic ball, snapped it closed, and spun it across the floor before whirling back to face Shura, elbows on his desk, hands together.

"…You were saying?" He asked innocently, eyebrows raised.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

-The Next Day-

"Heyyyy, Konekomaru!" Shima called, opening the door to the medical ward and peeking inside. Izumo and Shiemi squeezed in behind him, as well as Suguro. "We came to see you, and we brought the beauty brigade-"

The room was empty.

"…Guess you're all mine then."

"I'd _die_ first." Izumo stated, shoving her way into the room. She scowled and glared at its emptiness. "Where the hell is he? I shaved my legs for this!"

"That bastard!" Suguro snarled, searching for any signs of their friend. "How dare he escape without us- I mean…let's go find him!"

Unbeknownst to his friends, Konekomaru was across town, waiting at a bus-stop. He stood gazing sadly down at the ground, holding a duffel bag of his things. He sighed and wondered if he was doing the right thing. Maybe he should go back and-

"_Spread 'em_," a deep voice growled from behind.

"OH DEAR GOD-" Konekomaru whirled around to find Rin standing there, grinning from ear to ear. "WHAT THE FUCK IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU?"

"What are you doing here?" Rin asked, cocking his head. He noticed the bag Konekomaru was holding. "…You got a dead body in there or something?"

"What? No! I-"

"Because I know a guy."

"Rin I don't have a dead body in my bag!" Konekomaru yelled, then gave up, shoulders sagging. "Rin, listen. I…I'm leaving the Academy. I'm…just not cut out for this. I'm a good-for-nothing coward who only causes trouble. So…I've decided that I'll just quit now and-"

"_What'd you say_?" Rin suddenly snarled, grabbing Konekomaru by the front of his shirt and hauling him close.

"Uh…I only cause trouble?" The smaller boy sputtered.

"No, before that!"

"Uh…I'm a coward?"

"Before that!"

"I…I don't _remember_!" Konekomaru sobbed, trembling in fear.

"You said there's something WRONG with me?"

"…Wait, it took you that long to realize I was insulting you?" Konekomaru blinked.

"Don't talk to me like that," Rin growled. "I see you as a friend, you know."

"But…" Konekomaru frowned up at him dubiously. "I…HATE you."

"Uh, yeah," Rin rolled his eyes. "Isn't that how friends normally feel about each other? All my other friends feel that way too."

"But…but I tried to _kill_ you!" Konekomaru pressed, still confused as hell.

"Yukio does that at least five times a day," Rin said with a shrug. "Bon, too, when I flirt with him." He smiled and stared dreamily. "He's such a tease."

Suddenly Konekomaru couldn't contain it any longer, and burst out laughing.

"It's just like Bon said," he chuckled to himself, shaking his head. "You really are an idiot, plain and simple."

"Come on, let's head back." Rin didn't catch the insult right away and threw an arm around Konekomaru's shoulder, grinning.

"There they are!" Shima cried, pointing. The others hurried up and sighed with relief to find Konekomaru standing across the street, smiling and laughing with Rin. "Aww, look, they made up." They all blew out a breath and relaxed.

"…Why is Rin choking him?" Izumo suddenly asked.

"Oh fuck." Suguro gulped. "Go, go! Rin, STOP!"

-Episode 18 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Horray really dumb filler episode AGAIN next time! I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun screwing with it. Thanks for reading! Review, please!


	19. Chapter 19

Author's Note: Happy Filler Fun-Time Now! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 19

A Day When Nothing Happens (Seriously)

In a shadowed laboratory cluttered with glass vials and test tubes, Yukio bent over a table, working diligently. Mixing different agents together, he swirled the liquids in a clear glass, narrowing his eyes while noting the color and their reactions. He studied the liquid for a moment longer, then suddenly threw it back and guzzled it down, smacking his lips with satisfaction.

"…_Mmmmm_. I _love _Kool-Aid."

…Okay nevermind he was just making himself something to drink I guess. But seriously, what IS that on your arm?

"What?" Yukio blinked and glanced down at the encroaching black spots on his upper arm. "Oh. That. It's…a…tattoo." He broke off, frowning. "A tattoo that's… GROWING."

Yeah, alright, sure. _It's tots another huge mole_.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere that morning, the Exwire students were gathered in their classroom at True Cross Academy, in the midst of the usual general stupidity. However, this time Rin was not providing it, Shima was! And you know what that means: _bring some protection_. Or a rape whistle.

"My…birthday?" Shiemi repeated, sitting at her desk and staring at the pink-haired boy in confusion.

"Yeah, yeah! Tell me when your birthday is. …And your measurements and bra-size please-" Shima scuttled closer to the poor girl, a small notebook in hand.

"Hold on, why am I doing this-" Shiemi began to protest.

"So I can tell you your fortune like a sexy male Miss Cleo."

"Oh, well alright then." Shiemi shrugged and told him the date.

"Ah-HA!" Shima cried aloud, clapping his hands together and concentrating hard (that or he was consciously holding in a fart). "_Yessss_, I can see it now!" He muttered to him. "In the future…you will…sleep with _Shima_!"

Shiemi suddenly snarled and seized the front of his shirt, hauling him in close to breath heavily in his face.

"I think you better check _again_." She ground out through clenched teeth.

"Sleep with…_Yukio_?" Shima corrected himself weakly.

"Better." Shiemi released him and turned away.

"…What about you, Izumo?" Shima asked, turning to the grouchy girl. "What are _your_ measurements-"

She promptly kicked him in the nuts.

"I'll just…Google yours…" He gasped out, writhing on the floor.

"Oh, please! Why even bother telling her fortune?" Rin snorted aloud from the front of the room. "Isn't it obvious she's gonna go to jail for _murder_?"

"That's only if I get _caught_," Izumo stated, turning to stare at him meaningfully. Rin frowned for a moment, then pulled out a small diary from his desk and began writing.

"Dear Yukio…it was IZUMO."

"So…why are you doing this anyway?" Izumo asked Shima, raising one of her oddly-shaped eyebrows. "I mean, what's the point?"

"Telling fortunes is a good way of practicing star-signs and the Four Pillars of Destiny!" Shima replied, flashing her a thumbs up. She stared back at him blankly, waiting. "…And by 'star-signs', I mean my penis, and by 'Four Pillars of Destiny', I mean a girl's v-"

"Why don't you use your head for useful stuff?" Izumo snapped, thankfully cutting him off. "…Like breaking rocks or cinderblocks or something."

"I tried that for a while," Rin commented. "But then I started forgetting things so I had to stop." Suddenly he frowned, sweeping his gaze around the room in confusion. "Wait, who ARE you people?"

"LEAVING," Izumo stated, snatching up her bag and storming out of the classroom. The murderous atmosphere in the room significantly lowered to a gentle simmer.

"Shima! Shima!" Rin begged, skipping up to the boy. "Tell me MY fortune!" Shima scowled and shoved him back.

"NO! I don't do it for guys!" He adamantly refused.

"…What if I tuck it between my legs?"

"SICK, dude, NO!"

Suguro and Konekomaru sat at their desks in the back, watching the squabble unfold with disinterest.

"I wonder how Satan's son was born," Suguro muttered to himself. Konekomaru gave him a look and cleared his throat.

"Well, Bon, when two people love each other, they get together with some mood music and low-lighting and-"

"No, I mean, _literally_, how was he born?" Suguro pressed on. "It's like all the retarded stars in the universe were aligned to create one enormous _moron_-"

"_Ohmigosh_!" Shiemi suddenly shrieked aloud, making everyone jump.

"What's wrong, Shiemi?" Rin asked immediately. "Has another Demon infiltrated the Academy and begun slaughtering the student body and is using their decimated corpses to put on its very own personal grotesque puppet show at an affordable price?"

"Jesus Christ that was _elaborate_-" Suguro began.

"No, I just realized," Shiemi explained, "it's almost Izumo's birthday!"

"…Good God that's even _worse_!" Rin cried aloud.

"I have a great idea!" Shiemi gasped again, eyes wide with excitement. "We should throw a party for her!"

"Okay, that is the _dumbest_ idea I have _ever_ heard," Rin drawled, crossing his arms. "And this is coming from the person who almost ate a fucking _baby_." He grimaced. "Heck, I've had more intelligent-sounding _farts_-"

"Why should we celebrate her birthday?" Suguro agreed, making a face. "Maybe her _death_ I could understand-"

"Well if you think about it," Konekomaru shrugged, "it means she's one year closer TO death." He paused, blinking. "That is, if her kind die." He paused again. "Maybe it's the other way round."

"Okay then! It's decided! " Shiemi picked up a piece of chalk and went to stand in front of the chalkboard. "Let's hear some suggestions!"

"Let's see…" Rin began, ticking items off on his fingers, "for a birthday, there should be a cake, presents, decorations-"

"A stripper?" Shima added hopefully.

"NO! Streamers, birthday hats-"

"Okay, okay, I got it, you guys!" Shima cried, clapping his hands. "The stripper comes OUT of the cake-"

"WE SAID NO!" Everyone roared together. Shima flinched back.

"I'm just trying to _help_!"

"Hmm, I wonder what kind of presents would make Izumo happy?" Shiemi wondered aloud, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"Alright, y'all." Rin raised his hand, face suddenly serious. "Let's kill Shima and put his head in a box."

"_HEY_!"

"She will be ECSTATIC."

"Hmmm. No, too messy," Konekomaru shook his head. "Let's think of something else."

"OMG I GOT IT _SHIEMI_ CAN BE THE STRIPPER-"

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Suguro exploded. Everyone immediately froze in place, terrified of his divine retribution. "SHIMA!" Suguro jabbed a finger at the boy, glaring with enough force to flay skin from bone. "You're in charge of getting her a present! Nothing sexual or I'll tell everyone you're gay with Rin!"

"Christ, I already AM-"

"RIN!" Suguro whirled to point at the other boy, who immediately stood at attention and saluted. "You make the cake! Konekomaru, you help him out and make sure he doesn't piss on anything! Shiemi, you and I will decorate the room! ANY QUESTIONS?"

A dead silence followed, stretching on for several long moments. Finally Rin cleared his throat and slowly raised a hand.

"Is it alright that I just popped a boner?"

"Oh my God, SICK!" Shima cried, jerking away from the boy. "Get away from me!"

"I can't help that I like men yelling at me!" Rin wailed. "Oh God it's happening again!"

"Bon?" Konekomaru sidled up to the larger boy, eyes wide and pleading. "Can I please do something else? _Anything_?"

"Come on, Konekomaru," Suguro said, patting his friend's shoulder. "Is working with Rin _that_ bad?"

"I'll do the Shima's head in a box thing," Konekomaru replied in a flat voice.

"You can't be serious-" Konekomaru raised a knife. "Oh dear God you are. Shima, RUN!"

Yukio strode along the nearby hallway, unawares of the goings-on of the classroom. Approaching the doorway, he paused to see the students crouched in a football huddle, whispering to each other in soft voices.

"Okay, keep this a secret from everyone," Suguro told the others, who nodded. "Let's be careful. And break!" The huddle broke, and the students spilled out into the hallway, chatting excitedly before catching sight of the younger Okumura. Immediately they froze, eyes on Yukio, who stood there, blinking at them.

"…He's seen too much," Rin whispered harshly to the others. "We have to kill him." And he lunged at Yukio.

"Rin, NO!"

After the unnecessary manslaughter had been narrowly avoided, Shima scuttled about the crowded corridors of True Cross Academy, following Izumo's scent like a perverted bloodhound looking for a bone (a-HA). Finally he followed the trail to a classroom where she sat studying, Paku beside her. Shima frowned and quickly thought of a way to draw the other girl out. He took a breath and squealed aloud.

"Ohmigawd, there are two boys making out in the hallway!"

"_What_?" Paku's head snapped up so fast she almost got whiplash. "Fanfic fodder!" She leapt from her desk with a paper and pencil for notes and rushed out into the hallway, desperately searching left and right. Shima immediately rose up behind the girl and slapped a cloth soaked with chloroform over her mouth, catching her as she slumped over, unconscious. Heedless of the staring students, he dragged her limp body off by the ankles down the hall.

"Shouldn't we call the police or something?" One student asked hesitantly.

"This is like, the _fifth_ time I've seen him doing that," another answered.

Izumo watched the perverted boy drag her friend around the corner and sniffed, unconcerned.

"Oh, please. Paku'll be fine. If anything, it's SHIMA I'm worried about." She paused. "Just kidding I don't give a fuck either way."

Later that day, Izumo wandered around the Academy library, perusing the numerous books in the towering stacks. Suddenly she froze, nostrils flaring, and wrinkled her mouth in disgust.

"I smell _stupid_," she hissed out, pinching her nose shut. Glaring around, she narrowed the offending stench down to where Rin and Konekomaru sat at one of the nearby study tables, bent over a large book.

"Okay, what next?" Rin asked, taking notes.

"Um, then you mix it all together and put it in a greased cake pan," Konekomaru told him, reading aloud from the cookbook.

"When do we put the baby in?"

"15 min- wait, WHAT?"

"What're you guys doing here?" Izumo asked suspiciously, walking up to the boys' table. "I'm surprised, Rin. I didn't know you could read or write."

"ABORT! ABORT!" Rin shrieked, leaping off his chair and rolling across the floor. He launched himself up towards the window, shattering through the glass and tumbling down several stories. Izumo stared at the ruined window for a moment, blinking, then turned her glare to the other boy.

"N-n-n-n-n-nothing!" Konekomaru stuttered, trembling like a leaf in the wind. Suddenly he snatched up the cookbook and hurled it out the window after Rin ("Ow!"). "Oh God please don't kill me!" He stood and ran off sobbing down the stacks.

"…What the FU- oh wait this is perfectly normal." Izumo shrugged and walked off.

Elsewhere on campus, Shiemi and Suguro sat together, the pierced boy showing her how to properly make cut-out decorations and the like.

"Wow, you're so good at handicrafts!" Shiemi gushed, admiring his skill. "…Have you ever met Kanji Tatsumi?"

"Omg bitch no-one is gonna get that reference-"

"It's Persona. What's going on in here?" Izumo asked, walking in. She raised a brow at the decorations scattered on the floor. "What're these for?"

"OH SHIT!" Suguro whirled, whipping the paper-chain like a lasso and tripping the pig-tailed girl. Immediately he sat on her and began hog-tying with quick and efficient movements. Then he stood, took out a lighter, and set all the decorations on fire. "Go, Shiemi, go!" They bolted off, leaving Izumo bound on the floor, scowling as the smoke detector went off and the sprinklers activated.

"Okay, seriously, what the fuck is WRONG with everyone?" She asked aloud. "I mean…more than usual, anyway."

-Some Time Later…-

Izumo sat in a crowded café with Paku, the two friends enjoying a cup of tea together. Izumo stared off out the window distractedly, glancing at Paku every now and then. Finally, she could keep silent no longer. She turned and stared her friend right in the eye.

"…You effing him?"

"_Huh_?" Paku choked on her tea and gaped up at Izumo, bewildered.

"Shima." Izumo cocked her head. "You know you really should use protection. Who knows WHAT you'll catch."

"No, no!" Paku sputtered, waving her hands about. "We're not doing anything like that."

"Then what did he want from you?" Izumo asked, eyes narrowing.

"Oh, he just wanted to ask about the upcoming birth-" Paku suddenly froze, staring at Izumo with wide eyes. "Yes. We're effing. We're effing like BUNNY RABBITS."

Rin and Konekomaru, meanwhile, were busy making the cake for Izumo's upcoming birthday party. The two worked busily in the kitchen, cracking eggs and measuring ingredients.

"Here, I'll sift the flour," Konekomaru volunteered, taking the sifter.

"Okay, cool." Rin moved aside to give him room to work. "I'll be Chef Gordon Ramsay."

"Who-"

"THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TRYING TO SERVE THAT SORRY EXCUSE OF A-"

"Rin what the hell, why are you _yelling_ at me?" Konekomaru cried, flinching away from the verbal assault.

"Oh. Sorry." Rin shrugged apologetically. "Just trying to help."

"…I…I kinda liked it."

"You sick shit."

"Just shut up and mix the ingredients!" Konekomaru thrust the bowl at Rin, who took it and began whisking with fervor. "Hey! Careful! The fluff is the life of the dough!" The smaller boy insisted. "Do it lighter! More gently!"

"Oh! Like this?" Rin adjusted his grip, whisking away.

"Yes! Don't stop! Yes! Yes! Oh God, _YEEEEEEEEEES_!"

There was a short pause in the kitchen.

"…Are we baking a cake or having sex?" Rin asked after a moment.

"I'm really not sure anymore," Konekomaru stated, frowning. "Let's hurry up and change the scene already."

"_And_ my pants," Rin added.

"Oh God Rin you are so gross."

That night, Shiemi sat in her family's apothecary store, busily making paper-chains in the soft light of the front desk. She hummed to herself, cutting lengths of paper and taping them together, making the chain longer. Suddenly a bell rang as the front door opened, and Yukio strode in.

"Good evening, Shiemi," he greeted her politely. "I got the message that the herbs I ordered had arrived?"

"Oh, yes!" Shiemi dropped the paper chain and stood, winking seductively. "I've hidden them _somewhere_ on my body-"

"Nevermind, I'll get them tomorrow. When you're not here. And your mother is." Yukio blinked and glanced downward. "Oh, hey, are these for Izumo's party?" He asked, pointing at the decorations scattered on the desk. Shiemi's face went blank.

"I wish you hadn't seen that, Yukio," she said in a flat voice. "Because now I have to _kill_ you-"

"You know you really shouldn't listen to Rin," Yukio sighed. "He's an idiot, and it rubs off on people. So do his shitty hands. Anyway, I think the party is a good idea, Izumo will be happy." Shiemi fluttered her eyelashes at him and smiled.

"I would _so_ be the stripper for your birthday."

"That's…really not necessary." Yukio began slowly backing toward the door, noting all the available exits. "Rin and I always celebrated Christmas and our birthday together anyway, since the dates were so close. Well. Um. I hope the party is a success! Bye!" He quickly turned to leave.

"Thanks, Yukio! Goodbye!" Shiemi called, smiling, then raised her scissors and leapt on his back.

-The Next Day-

The Exwires stood together, gaping in utter astonishment at the masterful work of Rin's cake. It towered over them, several feet high, with beautiful white icing and decorative trim. There was just one problem.

"What the fuck IS that?" Suguro roared, jabbing a finger at the offending adornment.

"It's Santa, _obviously_!" Rin drawled, rolling his eyes at Suguro's ignorance. The cake was covered in dozens of Christmas decorations and motifs. "He's the magical asshole who sneaks into your room on Christmas Eve and rapes all the bad little boys," he explained patiently. "Dad told us about him." He paused. "Then he told us to go clean our room." He paused again. "We did."

"I know it's Santa, why the fuck is he on the _cake_? This is horrible! It's a Christmas cake, not a birthday cake!" Suguro groaned, clutching his head. "Konekomaru! How did this happen? You were supposed to watch him!"

"He knocked me out and locked me in the cupboard!" Konekomaru protested.

"I couldn't let him see my trade secrets!" Rin cried in outrage. "Only Chef Gordon Ramsay can see them!" He paused. "That and my penis."

"Goddamit, Rin, we can't use this cake-"

"You can see it too, Bon," Rin cut in. "My penis. Not my secrets."

Suguro shoved him face-first into the cake.

"OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING DELICIOUS-"

Needless to say, the Exwires decided the cake was unusable for the party, and so decided to give it to the dogs. In other words, Mephisto.

"Hmm, what's this?" Mephisto asked aloud, cocking an eyebrow at the enormous cake sitting on his desk. "…Why is there a face-print in it?" He found a card tucked under the plate and read it. "Eat up, homo! From Rin." He paused, pursing his lips. "…He's not gonna pop outta this thing, is he?" He tentatively approached the cake, took a bite of the frosting, and froze, eyes wide. "…I think I just jizzed in my pants."

-Later That Day-

Izumo sat hunched behind a garbage can, ignoring the smell of three-day old tuna as she peeked over the lid, watching through slitted eyes as Paku, dressed to impress, skipped up to Shima and took his hand. The two chatted for a moment before heading off down the street.

"What the hell are those two up to?" Izumo growled, and began tailing them like a psychotic Sherlock Holmes. She was doing nothing wrong, just spying on her best friend while wearing a large trench-coat, shades, a hat, a magnifying glass and pipe, as well as a loaded pistol on her left hip just in case. She crouched low, eyes never leaving her victims- I mean prey- I mean targets. "Let's go, Watson!"

The little girl standing in the street beside Izumo blinked in confusion.

"But I'm not even playing with- "

Izumo turned and smacked the girl across the face, then ducked behind a sign, somersaulted over to a box of flowers, then army-crawled across the road, stood and skipped hopscotch-

Shima suddenly froze up ahead, innate stalker senses detecting another threatening presence.

"Stalking senses…_tingling_!" He hissed out, then quickly whirled about to glare back down the street. It was empty, save for a girl in a heavy trench-coat hiding behind a tree that Shima suspected was a flasher. "This one is strong with the force…"

"What's wrong?" Paku asked, tugging at his hand.

"Oh. Sorry." Shima turned back to her and smiled. "I farted a little. Let's go!"

And on they went.

"That stupid son of a- OH GOD HE DID." Izumo gagged, choking as she scurried after the pair. She followed them into the city, where they visited several shops, looking at jewelry, clothes, tazers- "Okay holy shit who are they _shopping_ for?" Izumo wondered, pausing to admire an elegantly shaped tazer with silver trim. "Damn I've gotta get me one of those."

And then the realization hit her in the gut.

"Oh God…don't tell me…those two have _fallen_ for each other?" Izumo gasped and clutched her breast, reeling with the thought. "Or no wait Shima probably knocked her up so they have to get married and he'll force her to become his sex-slave or probably the other way round-"

"Um, miss, are you alri-" A store employee asked, approaching her cautiously.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR _FACE_!" Izumo shrieked, then realized Shima and Paku were no longer in the store. "Shit they've gone to procreate! I have to stop them!"

She turned and leapt through the nearby store window, ignoring the glass and shrieks of passersby. Glancing to and fro, she spotted the pair a ways down the street, cuddled up under an umbrella to protect against the light sprinkle of rain. As Izumo rushed toward them, they slowly turned to one another, leaning close-

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO_!" Izumo leapt on Shima, tackling him to the ground and shaking him violently. "SHE IS MINE YOU ASSHOLE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING SERIES I CAN STAND TO COHABITATE WITH I WILL GO _GAY_ IF I HAVE TO-!"

"Ohmigosh Izumo! Calm down!" Paku cried, pulling on her friend's pigtails in an attempt to dislodge her. "I lied! We're not effing! We're not!"

"Bullshit! Why was he trying to kiss you?" Izumo snarled.

"What? No I wasn't! No way!" Shima protested under her, shaking his head.

"You got it all wrong, Izumo!" Paku sighed.

"I was trying to cop a feel on her titties-"

*_WHACK_!*

"Izumo, STOP!" Paku begged. "I'm telling you, there's nothing between Shima and I! We're just friends!"

"What? You stingy bitch!" Shima gaped up at Paku. "I bought you lunch!"

"No you didn't!" Paku snapped back. "You flirted with the waitress the entire time, forgot your wallet, and ordered fucking _lobster_!"

"…Well I still think I deserve a little something-"

*_WHACK_!*

"Ow! Will you two stop _hitting_ me?" Shima huffing, nursing his two black eyes. "Christ, maybe if it was MY birthday you'd give me a lil'-"

"What?" Izumo's glare sharpened, zeroing in on Shima. "What's this about a birthday?"

"Oh shit." Shima gulped, shrinking against the pavement. "We are so dead."

-Back at the Academy-

Rin and the other students sat about in a circle in a quiet classroom, busy with the preparations for the party. Rin smiled happily and hummed as he worked.

"Man, this is gonna be the best party EVER!" He declared. A short pause followed before he spoke again. "You guys ever get the feeling we're all gonna fucking DIE?"

"Rin, what the hell, why would you say-"

"GIVE ME YOUR SOULS." Izumo suddenly towered over the group, fires flashing in her eyes.

"…Okay yeah I'm getting it now."

"Why are you idiots planning a party for me?" Izumo barked, turning her laser-beam glare on every student in turn. "You know I abhor happiness! Or anything above a general malaise!"

"Why are you mad?" Rin asked plaintively. "We were gonna get you a stripper!"

"You assholes!" Izumo stomped a foot. "I can't believe you- a stripper? Seriously? Wow. I mean NO! It…it's just not fair! I mean…why just me? I shouldn't have to be the only one who suffers! What about everyone else's birthday, huh?"

"Okay, fine!" Rin cried, throwing his hands up in defeat. "We'll have a birthday party for everyone, even those who have them later or before!"

"I. WANT. A. STRIPPER." Shima ground out, pounding a hand with a fist with each word.

And so the festivities began. Working together, the students quickly finished setting up the decorations around the room and went shopping for suitable presents. Then they met back at the classroom for the party to begin! Rin and Konekomaru wheeled in their cake, which the students couldn't help but notice was a hell of a lot smaller than the Christmas one before it.

"The hell, how can a stripper _possibly_ pop outta there?" Shima complained. "Maybe she's a midget." He paused, considering. "I'll take it."

Suddenly the cart hit a bump and wobbled, the cake skidding to the side and toppling toward the ground. Everyone gasped in horror, eyes wide, frozen in place. With a primal roar, Konekomaru lunged for the falling cake with a death-defying leap. He landed with a crash on the ground and lay there, unmoving.

"Konekomaru!" Rin gasped, rushing to his side. "Oh God he's DEAD!" He paused. "…But the cake's alright! LET'S PARTY!" He held the up the still-intact cake and skipped back to the others, leaving Konekomaru to wish he'd put some poison or something in the icing.

After feasting on the cake, which Shima described as an 'orgasmic experience' and the cake then had a restraining order put on him, it was time for the presents. Their distribution was to be decided by random lottery, so students stepped forward one at a time to pick a present.

"Yeah, my turn!" Rin sang, skipping to the front. "Oooh I want this one- OH GOD WHY IS THERE A THONG IN HERE?"

"Son of a bitch, Rin!" Shima cried from the back. "You ruined the surprise!"

"How did you KNOW?" Rin apparently hadn't heard him and was busy putting it on. "As my present to you, I'll be the stripper!"

"DUDE, I said-"

"I'll tuck it between my lucks and put balloons in my top."

Shima stared at him in silence for a long moment.

"…I'll take it."

Yukio watched the whole fiasco unravel from the shadows, rubbing his temples and taking deep breaths while counting to ten.

"Are you enjoying the party?" Shiemi asked, wandering over with a slice of cake. "What's wrong?"

"I need an aspirin the size of Texas," Yukio grumbled, eyes closed.

"…For your birth-"

"For my EVERY day." He let out a long sigh and shook his head. "Sorry, this party is just…bringing back memories. You see, we don't _really_ know when our birthday is, Rin and I. No-one knows who gave birth to us, when or where…"

-_Flashbaaaack_!-

Ten-year old Rin and Yukio sat at the kitchen table of the old church, Rin hopping up and down as he excitedly pestered Reverend Fujimoto with a barrage of questions.

"Is that a skirt you're wearing? Can I try your glasses on? What was our mom like?" Rin chattered on. Shiro turned, finger to his lips as he thought hard.

"You, Rin, were born from a horse's ass, which explains why you always ACT like one." He paused. "And also why you've always got poop on you."

"What about me?" Yukio asked, looking up from his book.

"A mole, obviously." Fujimoto answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Ahahaha! _Goooood_ one!"

"Shut up, you horse's ass!"

"_Ugh_." Yukio shuddered at the memory, glancing down at Shiemi, who listened with rapt attention. Or _raped_ attention, I'm really not sure. "Father was always making stupid excuses and never told us the truth," Yukio continued. "But…just once…he told us…"

Now the children stood with Fujimoto in a white wonderland of snow, gazing heavenward at the ethereal beauty of the falling snowflakes. Frosted trees dotted the land, slumbering peacefully in the blanket of winter. Fujimoto smiled and looked down at his children, who clutched at his coat.

"I first met you two on a snowy day like this," he said in a quiet voice, gently placing a hand on each of the boy's shoulders.

"Really?" Yukio blinked up at the man, smiling shyly. "D…dad-"

"FACEWASH!"

"_Auuuugh_!" Yukio and Rin flailed about in their father's grasp, choking on mouthfuls of snow.

"Come on, Rin!" Fujimoto called, finally releasing the boys. "Let's write our names in the snow with our pee!"

"Yaaay! I bet I have better handwriting!" Rin was up and fighting with his zipper instantly.

"Ha! Challenge accepted!"

"Oh God kill me." Yukio lay limp in the snow, not bothering to raise his head. He really, _really_ didn't want to see who won.

-_End of Flashbaaaacks!-_

"…And that was the first time I wished I had been born into another family," Yukio told Shiemi, once again back in the present. "…But it wasn't the last."

"Hey, you two!" Rin called over from the table. "I'm taking your presents if you don't get over here!"

"Come on, Yukio!" Shiemi took his hand and began dragging him over. Luckily, Yukio was saved by the ringing of his phone, which he turned aside to answer.

"Hello? Yes, speaking. What is- WHAT? Are you serious?" He quieted for a moment, expression somber. "Yes. Alright, I understand. Thank you." He hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and turned to face Rin. "Rin…our monastery…was _attacked_!"

Rin gaped at him, eyes boggling and mouth open.

"…Does that mean you don't want your present?"

"Hell NO, that's mine! _Gimme_!"

-Episode 19 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: _Uuuuuggghhhh_ filler. How I abhor it. Just watching the episode was pretty painful. But I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway! Review, please!


	20. Chapter 20

Author's Note: Alright, finally reached the twenties! Only a few more to go now! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 20

Mask

"When we lived at the church," Yukio narrated in a wistful tone, "it was easy to tell when Rin was home or not…usually because of the yelling. Lots of yelling. And swearing. And domestic disturbance reports with the police." He paused as an image of Fujimoto, Yukio, and the many church helpers seated at a long table focused into view. "Anyway when he wasn't there we ate dinner in silence. Sweet, blessed silence." There was a short, pregnant pause. "I miss it."

Suddenly the door was violently kicked open and Rin strode in, covered in various scuffs and scrapes.

"I'm back, bitches!" He hollered, throwing his arms up in the air. "Miss me?"

"Well that didn't last long," Yukio sighed, pushing his plate away.

"Rin, you're late! Where were you?" Fujimoto demanded, rising from his seat and crossing his arms sternly.

"Nunya _business_!" Rin shot back. "I was getting a lap-dance FROM YOUR MOTHER-"

"RIN SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!"

"Yes, dad." Rin quickly sat and began shoveling food into his mouth. "This tastes like ASS."

"…See what I said about the yelling?" Yukio continued to narrate. Meanwhile, his past self had risen from the table and was standing by the phone, whispering into the receiver frantically.

"Hello, police? My brother is here again. He won't leave."

"Yukio, we've been over this," the officer on the other side explained in a tired voice. "We _can't_ arrest your brother for existing."

Yukio hung up the phone with a sharp crack and covered his face with his hands.

-Back to the Present!-

Rin and Yukio dashed down the road together, rushing toward the familiar monastery where they'd been raised. Yukio had gotten a call about an attack there, and damn if Rin was gonna miss something that exciting. Finally reaching the building, they ducked past the lines of police tape and burst inside, gasping at the nightmarish scene within. Long, silken threads hung from the walls, draping from the ceiling to the floor. The place was a mess, with smashed furniture and shattered window panes.

"Ohmigosh someone TP'd the place? This is terrible!" Rin cried in outrage, gazing at the ribbons of white. "That was MY idea!"

"Rin, this is spider's silk," Yukio snapped, poking at some of the hanging strands.

"…So a spider took a massive shit in here?" Rin turned in place, surveying the damage with undisguised jealousy. "Dammit! Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

Yukio ignored his idiotic brother and moved over to where a crowd of Exorcists had gathered amongst the pews. There he found several of the church workers frozen in place on the floor, cocooned in layers of the silken threads.

"Oh, GOD, this is horrible!" He whispered harshly, eyes on the grim scene before him. "Rin, get over here!"

"I'm…trying…" Rin whimpered, caught in one of the sticky webs like a retarded fly and struggling to get free. "I'm…_trying_!"

"Don't worry, they're still breathing," an Exorcist told Yukio with authority. "But we also found…THIS." He pointed ominously to the far wall. Yukio turned and gasped. A message was scrawled across the wall in foreign letters, but the threat was clear to understand. "It's written in Polish," the Exorcist continued. "It reads, 'Satan's kin must die'." Yukio gulped.

"Oh, please! That's NOT what it says!" Rin snorted from his web, having worked an arm free.

"What?" Yukio whirled to frown at his brother. "How would you-"

"Because I wrote it!"

"…Then why does-"

"I got horrible handwriting."

"…So what does-"

"It says, 'Yukio is a-'."

"NEVERMIND." Yukio quickly cut him off and began paceing in the aisle, mind working furiously. "It just doesn't make any sense! Who would DO this?"

"Spiderman?"

"Rin, go sit in the corner."

"Yeah, you're right, he'd never do something like that-"

"_I said go sit in the_-"

"I can't MOVE, asshole!"

"Then stay right there." Yukio took a deep breath to calm his inner hellfire before turning to address an Exorcist wearing a medical face-mask. "Any clues?"

"Well, before they were fully covered by the webbing," the man explained, voice slightly muffled, "they said they were attacked by a 'masked man'-"

Rin was suddenly standing beside the man and with a single movement violently socked him across the face. As the man crumpled to the floor, Rin whooped in triumph, pumping a fist into the air.

"I gotcha you bastard!" He trailed off as he noticed Yukio gaping at him in shock. "He…he had a mask…"

"This web is magical," another Exorcist noted, kneeling beside one of the cocooned bodies. "It covered their bodies completely and then hardened into stone."

"That's what _she_ said!" Rin giggled to himself.

"Jesus Christ, what are you, _five_?" Yukio growled.

"Five and a half, actually. I measured but I'm still a growing boy-"

"Holy shit I'm going to kill you."

"They're chanting mantras to keep themselves alive," the Exorcist cut in, bringing the conversation back. "They only have about eight hours left." Rin immediately glanced down at his watch and began calling the seconds aloud.

"Seven hours, fifty-nine minutes, fifty-nine seconds…seven hours, fifty-nine minutes, fifty-EIGHT seconds…seven-"

"RIN!" Yukio lunged to snatch his watch away from him, but the boy had already bolted out the door and was running down the street like a raving lunatic. In other words, like his normal idiot self. "Rin, wait! Where the hell are you doing?" Yukio followed his brother out of the church and down the street.

"Don't you get it? Whoever did this, I'm the one they want!" Rin shouted over his shoulder, stopping in the middle of the road. "Hey, you bastard! Come on! I'm right here! Come and get me!"

"He's right here! PLEASE come get him!" Yukio joined in, pointing at Rin.

"This isn't working," Rin muttered, glancing around. "I need to endanger myself more. Into the alleys!" He sprinted off down a back alley, splashing through dirty puddles and piles of trash. Yukio attempted to follow but was quickly left behind. "Where are you? WHERE?" Rin shouted as he ran, turning this way and that as he searched in vain. Suddenly he froze, a warning chill slipping down his spine. Someone was close. _Very_ close. He sensed that they were _right behind_- "THERE YOU ARE!" Rin whirled in place and snapped out a fist to punch out-

A poor old homeless man.

"…Oh shit." Rin stood over the twitching man, blinking rapidly. "Oh God I'm SO sorry. Here, man. Have some quarters. Go get yourself some booze." He was so intent on cleaning out his pockets of loose change that he failed to see the ominous shadow rising from the shadows. It swooped down upon Rin, who sensed the attacker at the last instant and turned to face his foe. "Whoa!" Rin flinched at the sight of a cloaked stranger with a creepy witch mask concealing their face. "…Sorry I'm all outta change-"

Immediately the masked stranger raised a hand and shot out a stream of webbing onto Rin's upraised sword, sealing the blade shut. Rin stood stock-still, gaping in awe.

"…Holy shit did you just shoot that outta your _ASS_?"

"What?" The masked man choked out, voice thick and garbled beyond recognition. "No! Why would I-"

"Because that would have been TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME-"

"…I think I'll aim for your mouth next."

"Rin, I found you!" Yukio cried, turning a corner and catching sight of his brother. The masked stranger quickly threw out an arm and used a line of webbing to swing to the top of a nearby building.

"OH MY GOD IT _WAS_ SPIDER MAN!" Rin gasped aloud, eyes wide and sparkling with delight. "I'm your biggest fan! I still dream about flying with you through the city at night, giggling in your arms-"

"Well that certainly explains a lot." Shura stood beside Rin, giving him a look.

"Oh hey, sorry, I didn't hear your tits pull up-"

Shura expertly tripped and sat on him as Yukio drew his gun and followed the masked stranger, scurrying through the maze of back streets until he was led to an old clock tower. Sneaking inside the abandoned structure, he climbed the crumbling staircase to the top, where he ducked amongst rusted cogs and gears. Through the cobwebs, he caught sight of a figure standing in the light of a nearby window.

"Freeze!" He cried, taking aim. The figure slowly turned, revealing his face. "…Professor Nehaus?" Yukio gasped, staring at the man in confusion. "Why are you here? Don't tell me…are you still…"

"Hot for you?" Nehaus finished.

"No! I mean, are you still trying to kill Ri-"

"Because I totally am."

"Will you…_did you attack our monastery or not_?"

"You're so cute when you're angry."

"_JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION_!" Yukio finally exploded, cheeks flushed.

Nehaus didn't answer, instead turning to gaze forlornly out the window at the sprawling city outside. He took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head.

"No matter how you look," he murmured softly, "as long as your judgment is clouded, you won't find the truth."

"You can't HANDLE the truth!" Yukio shot back.

There was a short pause as Nehaus stared at Yukio blankly.

"I…I always wanted to say that," Yukio said, sheepish.

"And I've always wanted to say THIS," Nehaus replied. "TAKE ME."

With a sudden crash, the gears of the clock tower came lose and began tumbling down, crushing stone and wood with their powerful weight. Nehaus used the distraction to slip away, while Yukio scrambled for the exit.

"I think it's TIME to get out of here!" He cried, then paused. "…Damn I gotta tell that one to Rin when I get back!"

-Later…-

Yukio returned to the ransacked monastery, joining Rin and Shura in the kitchen. There, he and Shura's breasts held conference, discussing what could be done while Rin struggled with his sealed sword.

"Dammit! Piece of…I can't draw it!" He growled, straining with the hilt. He paused to catch his breath, frowning in anger at the line of sticky threads that held the blade closed. "…Kinda looks like cotton candy." After a moment, he slowly stuck his tongue out and began leaning in close.

"Rin, what the hell are you _doing_?" Yukio's voice cut in, Rin freezing in place. His eyes snapped to the side to find Yukio and Shura staring at him in disgust.

"…I wasn't GONNA!" Rin protested. "…Unless you paid me to, then I'd be ALL OVER DAT SHIT-"

"Oh God nevermind." Yukio turned back to Shura's breasts and continued their important talk. "So I'm thinking that somehow Professor Nehaus is connected with that strange laboratory you found through the portal in the van."

"Hmm, yes," Shura answered, nodding in agreement. "There was evidence of artificial life there, though I don't know how Nehaus is connected to it."

Rin gaze bore into both of them, a look of deep repugnance on his face.

"I think my brain _just_ committed suicide."

"Oh, if only," Yukio snorted wistfully.

"So it was Nehaus who attacked our church?" Rin asked. "This is _totally_ all your fault, Yukio, for not giving him a chance."

"Rin, shut UP!"

"I'm just saying, he's probably a _really_ nice guy, and you're being a real _snob_-" Suddenly Rin broke off and gaped at Shura, noting her revealing bikini-top and booty-shorts combo. "Good GOD how can you be IN this church and NOT burst into flames when you're DRESSED like that?"

"How can YOU be in here when you're the SON of SATAN?" Shura shot back, cocking an eyebrow.

"Cuz I look damn good doing it, that's why." Rin returned matter-of-factly, then promptly stood and headed for the door. Yukio quickly intervened, standing in front of his brother and crossing his arms.

"And where do you think YOU'RE going?" He asked in a serious tone, blocking his way. Rin stared at him blankly.

"POOP."

"You just went." Yukio's eyes narrowed. "I could hear you grunting from down the hall."

"…DIARRHEA-"

"Rin, you are NOT leaving this house!" Yukio pointed at the Kurikara, clutched in Rin's hand. "You can't even draw your blade! How will you fight?"

"Uh…like this!" Rin said, raising a fist. "UFC, baby! HOOO-" He swung the fist at Yukio, who caught it expertly and kneed him in the gut. "…Y…you want some more, BITCH?" Rin choked out, falling to his knees and clutching his stomach.

"Enough, Rin!" Yukio burst out, shoving his brother back. "_I'll_ go after the masked man. _You're_ not going anywhere! You…you're GROUNDED!"

"_What_?" Rin gasped in outrage, eyes wide. "You can't! That's not fair! I didn't do anything! I hate you, dad! You never understand me!" He burst into tears.

"Understand THIS." Yukio pulled out his gun and shot Rin between the eyes with a bullet. Immediately the boy's eyes rolled up into his head and he slumped to the floor, unconscious. "…Oh. I had a tranquilizer in there. Totally meant that to use that. And not a real bullet" Yukio holstered the gun and sighed. "Take care of him," he told Shura, then rushed out the door.

"Hey, wait!" Shura called after him. "Are you kidding me? I have no idea how to- oh, EW, he _piddled_!" He stood over Rin's prone body, frowning down at him. "…I guess I'll just lay down some newspaper or something."

-Later That Night-

Late that night, Yukio sat in a small car, cramped in with three other Exorcists. Mr. Tsubaki sat in the driver's seat, glaring out the window at an abandoned building sitting in the dark before them.

"Professor Nehaus is here?" He asked Yukio in a hushed whisper, who nodded in affirmation.

"Yes," he answered just as quietly. "I've tracked him to- HOLY SHIT is that a fucking SNAKE in a CAGE?" He flung himself back and gaped at the creature dangling from the car's rear-view mirror.

"It…it's my windshield ornament," Mr. Tsubaki said awkwardly.

"…It's a snake…in a CAGE. That CANNOT be legal." Yukio stared at him for a long moment. "It is, however, abso-_fucking_-lutely awesome."

"…I think Rin is rubbing off a little on you."

"Don't make me shoot you. Let's go."

The small team of Exorcists disembarked from the car and entered the darkened building, heading downward into the bowels of the city. Soon they were wandering the many dimly-lit tunnels of the sewers, flashlights bobbing along as they searched the darkness. They split into teams of two, Yukio taking the mustachioed man as he declared it unsafe for him to be alone with Mr. Tsubaki, who had to make do with the female (with horrible fashion sense, the professor noted with disgust). After several long, tense moments of slogging through the tunnels and searching, Yukio paused, holding up a hand to halt the Exorcist following close behind.

"Shh! Can you hear it?" He fell quiet, listening hard. "Something's coming…" He crouched by the corner, gun drawn, laying in wait. The sloshing sounds grew louder, the culprit drawing closer, until finally a figure emerged-

"KOWABUNGAAAA!"

*_BLAM BLAM BLAM_!*

"Yukio! What's going on?" Mr. Tsubaki asked over the radio in the boy's ear. "I heard gunshots! Are you okay?" There was a short pause before Yukio answered.

"…I think I just killed Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

"Aww, that show was my favorite when I was a kid!" The mustachioed Exorcist complained, prodding the body with a foot as it floated in the fetid waters.

"Yeah," Professor Nehaus added from behind the pair. "Nice going, _Shredder_."

"Okay," Yukio ground out, "both of you knock it _ooOOHMIGOD_!"

*_BLAM BLAM_!*

Nehaus dodged the bullets and fled around the corner, Yukio in hot pursuit. Immediately there was a cry from behind, and he whirled to find his Exorcist partner tightly cocooned in layers of silk.

"…Still better than being paired with Mr. Tsubaki," Yukio told him, patting his mummified face comfortingly.

-Back With Rin!-

Rin suddenly snorted into wakefulness and sat up, a thin line of drool trickling down his chin. He blinked around blearily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Whuzz goin' on?" He mumbled, peering up at Shura, who sat at the nearby table, drinking a mug of coffee. "Why is there newspapers stuffed down my pants?"

"Would you rather I hosed you off?" Shura snorted, rolling her eyes.

"No, not really- ooh, Garfield!" Rin pulled out one of the pages and grinned. "That fat cat is so _silly_!" Suddenly he threw the paper aside, cartoons forgotten. "Damn that Yukio! Why'd he shoot me? What the hell is _wrong_ with him?"

"It's called _worry_," Shura stated from the table, taking another sip.

"It's called being an _asshole_!" Rin staggered to his feet, wobbling a little on his weakened legs.

"Careful," Shura laughed. "You're still groggy from the tranquilizer."

"I'm _fine_," Rin growled, then immediately stumbled into the coffee pot, splashing its steaming contents all over his hands and legs. "AAAAUUUUU- *_shluuuuurp_* Ahhhh! That'll wake me up- UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!"

"Why even bother going?" Shura asked, watching him totter toward the door. "You won't be able to do shit. It's because you can't control your flames that everyone is afraid, worried, and/or suffering because of you."

"Lay off me, cow-tits!"

"There's that, too," Shura added. "You being an asshole doesn't really help any. But enough. Here." She stood, rummaging in a small bag and setting a line of candles across the table, three in a row. "Look. Here are your friends. If you can't control your flames, they'll die." She paused. "Or live on with horrible third-degree burns and wish they were dead anyway. My point is-"

"Which one's Suguro?" Rin butted in.

"…What?"

"I wanna make out with it."

"Rin, be serious!"

"I am serious!" Rin studied the candles for a moment. "Look, that one's got a speck on it so it can be Yukio and his _freakish_ moles-"

"RIN!" Shura roared, smacking the tabletop with a hand. "You only have _one_ chance. Control your flames. Do it. NOW."

"…Fine!" Rin took a deep breath and closed his eyes, concentrating hard. He imagined the candles to be his friends, just as flammable and with about as much personality. He had to be careful, or they'd burn away to ash. "I can do this…" Rin whispered to himself, cautiously summoning his flames. "I can do this…I can do this…I CAN _DO_ THIS!"

And then the kitchen burst into a sea of blue flames.

Rin smiled feebly at Shura, who swore and began fighting her way to the fire extinguisher.

"…Can I have…ONE more chance?"

-Back to Yukio!-

Yukio and the other Exorcists had exited the dank sewers and regrouped at the car with the awesome snake-in-a-cage windshield ornament. The female Exorcist hovered over the now-mummified one, checking his body for any signs of life.

"Dammit, we were careless," Yukio huffed to himself, feeling ashamed.

"Indeed," Mr. Tsubaki agreed, glancing down at his feet. "I _knew_ I shouldn't have worn my Gucci's tonight!"

"Wait, what-"

"But they make my legs look _so_ hot, I just couldn't resist! Now they're _ruined_-"

"Will he be okay?" Yukio turned and asked the woman, intent on ignoring Mr. Tsubaki and his ranting.

"His condition is stable," the woman answered, adjusting her stethoscope. "…I think I can hear him singing 'Mm-Bop'."

"…So he'll be good for a couple hours?"  
><em>Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don'tcha wish your girlfiend was a FREAK like me? Don'tchaaaa?<em>

"Hello?" Mr. Tsubaki answered his ringing phone and squealed with glee. "Oh, hey, hon! How are you? Oh, you tease! No, I will NOT tell you the color of my panties! You are so BAD!"

"Oh, God." Yukio sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Okay, I got it! Later, baby! *_Kiss kiss_*!" Mr. Tsubaki hung up the phone and turned to the others. "That was Mephisto."

"Oh, God!" Yukio choked out.

"The masked man is attacking the boy's dormitory at the Academy."

"OH, _GOD_!"

-At the Academy-

As Mr. Tsubaki had reported, the boy's dormitory was indeed under attack that very moment by the masked man. The floor was a disaster, furniture broken and overturned, the boys crying out in fear as the masked man shot webbing about the room, trapping them all.

"Damn! We're in trouble" Shima sobbed, stuck to the wall with the sticky threads. "Oh, he is SO going to rape us!"

"What?" Konekomaru cried in alarm, likewise pinned to the floor nearby.

"He'll probably go for you first, since you're the most feminine," Shima continued.

"WHAT?"

"Shima, shut UP!" Suguro barked over his shoulder, facing the masked man with a chair in hand. He was doing his best to fend off the attacker and save his friends, but wasn't making much progress.

"You wouldn't understand, Bon!" Shima shouted at him. "He'll probably rape you last because you're the manliest!"

"I…thank…you- GWAAAUGH!" Suguro managed to get out before he, too, was ensnared by the sticky webbing. The masked man chuckled evilly, looming over the three boys.

Outside, an excited crowd was gathered around the building, staring up at the shattered windows of the dorm room and whispering to one another. Yukio arrived, running up to a lone police officer and demanding to know the situation.

"It's the masked man," the policeman answered quickly. "He's got a couple of kids hostage up there." He paused. "He'll probably start with raping the little one, then move on to-"

"Okay, what is WRONG with you people?" Konekomaru screamed out the window.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Mephisto declared, suddenly appearing beside Yukio, who jerked away. The extravagant man spun his umbrella and held it high. "It's a brave act to assault my Academy. But know this! _I_ am the only one allowed to sexually harass my students! I'll make you regret it!" With an evil grin, he began to slowly twirl the umbrella at the sky with malicious intent.

"…Are you…casting a spell?" The police officer asked uncertainly.

"A spell?" Mephisto stared at the man, face blank. "Oh, HEAVEN'S no. My shoulder is a bit tight at the moment so I'm stretching it ou- OF COURSE I'M CASTING A SPELL YOU BUFOON!" He followed this up with several quarters to the face.

High above in the night sky, a burning symbol of fire appeared, illuminating the stars. The flames curled, slowly becoming a circle as more parts branched out, forming…

"…Is that a _winking_ face?" Yukio asked after a moment.

"Now it's gonna be a frowny face!" A voice called out, laughing. Suddenly a strong jet of water shot through the sky and extinguished the blazing symbol, bringing Mephisto's spell to a jarring stop. Everyone gasped in surprise and whirled to find Angel sneering down at them from atop a fire-truck's ladder, hose in hand. "Oh, I'm SO sorry. My hand slipped."

"What was he doing with a fucking HOSE?" Yukio wondered to himself. "Washing his hair?"

"Alright, Mephisto," Angel declared, climbing down the ladder (which was quite a feat in heels). "You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent-"

"Fuck you," Mephisto stated matter-of-factly.

"Okay you have the ORDER to remain silent," Angel corrected himself, shoving the other man toward the side of the fire-truck. "Anything you do or say _will_ be posted on my Twitter later tonight. Now turn around and spread your legs."

"Bet that's the first time _you_ get to say it," Mephisto muttered, moving to obey. Angel ignored him, pulling out a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs from his back pocket.

"…These are all I have."

"_I'm_ not complaining." Mephisto winked flirtatiously.

Yukio, ever quick on his feet, used the extremely gay distraction to sneak past the horrorstruck guard and enter the boy's dormitory. Gun drawn, he scuttled up the stairwell and down the hall until he found the room where the masked man was keeping the boys prisoner. He peeked through the open door and saw the three students, all tied to the walls with layers of webbing.

"_Please_ be gentle with Konekomaru," Shima was telling the masked man, who paced before them. "He's _delicate_-"

"Yeah, like at least make eye-contact or something," Suguro added.

"Will you guys shut the FUCK UP? He is NOT going to rape me!" Konekomaru screamed at them, finally losing his cool. Suddenly the masked man paused, and slowly began to walk toward him. "…Oh God he IS! Help me! _Help_!"

"Hurry, tell him your name!" Shima cried desperately. "Let him know you're a human _being_!"

"Oh…oh _God_!" Konekomaru choked in panic and trembled as the masked man drew closer. "MY NAME IS KONEKOMARU, I LIKE CATS AND STUDYING AND SOMETIMES I PAINT MY TOENAILS! _PLEASE_ DON'T VIOLATE MY ORIFICES!"

The masked man loomed over the shaking boy, head cocked, considering him, then slowly reached down and-

Picked up a cell-phone off the floor.

"OH DEAR GOD HE'S GOING TO TAKE _PICTURES_ WHILE HE'S DOING IT-"

"Hey!" Shima cried aloud, gaping at the stranger. "That's my cell-phone! No! Wait! I don't have anytime minutes! NOOOO! Can't you just rape Konekomaru?"

"_Fuck you, Shima!"_

The masked man ignored both the boys, punching in a number and patiently waiting for the other end to pick up.

"Yello?" Rin's voice answered. "Swear to God if you're a telemarketer I _will_ kill you."

"Can you hear me, Son of Satan?" The masked man hissed darkly.

"Wha…that voice! It's you! Is this Shima's phone?" Rin suddenly gasped. "HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTIME MINUTES, YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!"

"_Yesss_…" the masked man chuckled evilly. "I will continue to wrack up huge overage fees until you arrive." He hung up the phone and turned to menace the boys once again. Yukio seized his chance and leapt from the shadows, gun aimed high.

"HA! I won't let you-" And then he ran right into a web. "…Godammit."

"Oh my gosh, you're SAVED, Konekomaru!" Shima cried, eyes wide as he pointed at Yukio, trapped as they. "Rape him first! HIM! Look how fucking _pretty_ he is!"

"Don't touch him! He's MINE!" Suddenly there was an almighty crash as the window exploded inward, glass cracking and splintering as Rin flew through the opening. Then he promptly tumbled to the floor and lay still, because flying through windows really fucking hurts. The masked man stared down at him for a moment before realizing a blade was held to his throat from behind.

"Ha! Gotcha!" Shura smirked, standing behind the man, sword drawn. A small team of Exorcists appeared in the doorway, weapons poised. "Don't move, you're surrounded. Good job with the distraction, Rin!" Rin didn't move. "…Rin?"

"You think you've won?" The masked man hissed out with menace.

"…Well yeah, kinda- WHOA!" Shura shrieked as the man whirled about, hitting everyone with ropes of webbing and capturing them all in a matter of moments. "Okay I guess I haven't. Rin! Here's your second chance!"

"Mmkay…" Rin staggered to his feet, brushing glass bits from his face and glaring at the masked man. "Here we go!" He summoned his flames, the hungry blue fire spreading through the room and devouring everything. After several tense moments, the flames disappeared, leaving the boys unharmed and free of webbing.

"Alright! Did you see that? I did it!" Rin whooped with glee. "I controlled my-" The Exorcists in the entrance were all smoking piles of ash. "…Eh, five outta ten, that's pretty good, right?"

"No, not really," the masked man stated, shrugging. Rin socked him, sending him flying out the window to the lawn several stories below. Shura quickly followed, leaping down and crouching beside the man's limp body. She gasped as the mask suddenly cracked from the heat and disintegrated, revealing…

"It's a _woman_!" Shura gasped, staring down at the attractive blond laying on the grass. Then she glanced lower. "…My tits are bigger."

"Are NOT!" Nehaus cried, leaping from the shadows and shoving Shura away from the strange female. Immediately the woman's eyes snapped open and she scrambled up, dashing off toward the nearby forest to escape.

"Nehaus!" Shura cried angrily, turning to face him. "What are you doing? Why are you and that demon working together to kill Rin?"

"She's not a Demon!" Nehaus shot back, teeth gritted. "…She's…my WIFE!"

"You're married to SPIDER-MAN?" Rin gasped aloud, inexplicably standing next to him, arm slung over his shoulder. "Dude I am SO jealous! That's MY dream!"

Needless to say, Professor Nehaus was captured, while his Spider-Man wife-thing escaped. Rin and the others returned to the ransacked monastery, where Rin used his newfound hit-or-miss powers of blue flames to burn away the webbing holding their friends captive. Exorcists moved amongst the recovering priests, checking vitals and assessing any damage.

"They have minor injuries, but nothing serious," an Exorcist told Rin as he stood amongst the crowd of church helpers. "Though they MAY have developed a second personality to preserve their sanity while trapped in solitude for hours."

"What?" A church helper blinked in confusion, rubbing sore muscles. "I don't know what you- **STEAL YOUR SOUL**."

"You saved us, Rin!" Another said, patting the boy on the back. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but thanks! You've really grown!"

"Ha! Thanks, guys!" Rin blushed modestly and smiled as everyone around him cheered, laughing in relief. Then one suddenly grabbed Rin by the throat and began throttling him.

Strangely absent from the indoor merriment, Yukio sat outside on the front porch, mulling in silence with his own dark thoughts.

"Dammit," he muttered to himself, face grave. "I'm supposed to protect him Protect Rin. But now…does he even need me? Does he…?"

A slim black car pulled up the drive with a crunch of gravel. Yukio glanced up to find a large man in a suit approaching, eyes hidden behind a pair of dark shades.

"Are you Yukio Okumura?" The man asked solemnly.

"I…yes." Yukio blinked in confusion. "How can I help you?"

"Come with me. There's someone who'd like to meet you."

"Look, I'm sorry, but I don't do that kind of thing anymore-"

"You get to ride on a train."

"A _train_? Hot DOG, I'm in!" Rin leapt up from the porch and hopped into the car with the man, spinning off into the darkness of the night.

-Episode 20 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Kay thanks for reading please review bye!


	21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: Just realized this story has over two hundred reviews. Thanks to everyone for their support and comments! Read and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 21

Secret Garden

Shiemi sat in the back of her family's store, crouched in front of the blaring TV amongst jars of crushed herbs and spices. Her eyes were wide as she took in the grisly details from the evening News, the reporter leaning forward intently to relay the facts.

"Today, there was an incident at True Cross Academy," the reporter stated. "Several of the male students were taken hostage by an unknown assailant. Later they were rescued, though the culprit has managed to escape. Here's a picture of the hostage that was most likely raped."

A picture of Konekomaru was shown for a moment.

"Oh, no!" Shiemi gasped to herself, clutching her mouth in horror. "I hope they're all okay!" She thought for a moment. "And they left Yukio for me."

"Shiemi, I'm going out!" Shiemi's mother called from the store front, easing the door open. "I left some food out in a dog-bowl in case you get hungry. And don't make a mess on the carpet!"

"Okay, mom! Bye!" Shiemi yelled back. She waited to hear the click of the closing door, then whirled around and snatched up the remote. "Alright! Time to watch Jersey Shore!" The channel switched to a drinking scene that put Rin's stupidity to shame. Shiemi cheered and began to chant aloud, pumping her fist in the air. "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

*_THUMP_!*

"Huh?" Shiemi turned the TV off and stood, listening hard for the strange sound again. She crept to the front door and nervously peeked out into the garden. "_Ohmigosh_!" There was a body laying in the grass! Shiemi scrambled out the door toward it, hurrying past the Demon-sensing gate from before. "Who are you?" She whispered quietly as she crouched next to the limp body, noticing it was female.

"Warning. Warning," the gate spoke aloud. "Demon Alert. Demon Alert."

"Oh, don't be silly!" Shiemi scoffed, gently rolling the woman over. "She's _obviously_ human!" It was the blonde-haired woman who had attacked the boys in the dorm, Nehaus' wife! Shiemi stared at her curiously for a moment, then lowered her gaze further down to her chest. "…Mine are bigger."

"Warning. Warning," the gate said again. "You're a fucking idiot."

"These wounds are horrible," Shiemi said, inspecting the fallen woman. "I have to get you inside!" But try as she might, Shiemi didn't have enough strength to move the woman by herself. She collapsed hopelessly, gasping for breath. "Ohh, what am I going to DO?"

"_Ni_!" Suddenly dozens of tiny Green Men, little nature spirits made of twigs and grass, crawled out of the surrounding bushes and approached, waving their arms in the air. They crowded around Shiemi, obviously wanting to help. Shiemi gaped at the tiny men in awe, her eyes wide with wonder…as she _sloooowly_ began reaching for the weed killer behind her.

-With Yukio-

Yukio, meanwhile, had left with the stranger last episode and thankfully hadn't been molested yet. Instead, he boarded an extravagant train and was led to one of the many carts. He entered the long room to find a solitary figure seated at a table, finishing their supper.

"Who are you?" Yukio demanded, getting straight to the point. The figure lowered their utensils and straightened, revealing themself to be an elderly man dressed in robes with a white Phantom-of-the-Opera mask obscuring his face.

"I am Ernest Frederick Aegin," the man introduced himself with a tip of the head. "It's good to finally meet you…grandson."

"G…_grandson_?" Yukio sputtered in shock, taking a step back. "You seriously expect me to believe-"

"Here, I brought you a lolli." The old man held up a lollipop invitingly.

"I love you grandpappy!" Yukio skipped forward and hopped onto the man's lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and leaning his head on the man's shoulder. "You understand me and my moles, right?"

"Yeah, I think so." Ernest nodded. "Under this mask?" He paused for emphasis. "One HUGE mole."

Yukio gaped up at him with an expression of complete worshipfulness.

"I…LOVE you," he whispered out. Suddenly he noticed a small picture on the tabletop of a lovely young woman with long, dark hair and several facial moles. "_Damn_. As Rin would say, I'd tap that."

"That's your mother, Yuri."

"Well then it's obvious that I got all her good looks," Yukio corrected himself. "And moles." He frowned unhappily. "Godammit, mom."

"This may surprise you," Ernest went on as Yukio rose and took a seat opposite the man at the table, "but your principal, Sir Pheles, has been arrested by the Order of the True Cross."

"Eh, not really." Yukio answered with a shrug. "If anything I'm surprised it didn't happen _sooner_. Like around the time he watched Rin change clothes in a fucking limo."

"He _what_ him in the _WHAT_?"

"In kindergarten," Yukio went on, suddenly changing subjects while gazing dreamily out the window, "we had to draw a picture of our parents. Rin drew Dad and a hooker. I just drew the HOLE IN MY HEART." He paused, brows furrowed. "…Wow, where the _hell_ did that come from?"

"Listen, I'm sorry for abandoning you two for fifteen years," Ernest said in a gentle voice. "But I had no choice! I was confined all this time for my crimes."

"Oh God _please_ tell me you didn't molest-"

"Oh Heaven's no." Ernest snorted in disgust. "I downloaded music illegally."

"…Ah."

"I lost everything on the Blue Night," the old man continued, leaning close. "My daughter, my position, my FACE. The Vatican had Yuri killed, the Grigori burned her as a witch! All to restore the authority of the Order of the True Cross. I had lost my will to live…my only hope…was _this_." Solemnly he drew a small silver locket from his robes and held it out to Yukio, popping it open for him to see. Yukio stared at its contents for several long seconds before answering.

"…There's a picture of a naked woman in there."

"What? Oh, sorry. Wrong locket." Ernest began riffling around in his many pockets, searching.  
>"Hold on was that SHURA-"<p>

"Here it is!" Ernest cried. "My only hope was THIS!" He held out another locket, the contents this time an old photo of Rin and Yukio as children, Rin obliviously mining for gold in his nasal cavities whilst Yukio looked on with an expression of deepest disgust. "I couldn't care for you before, because of the Vatican, but now there is nothing to fear from the Grigori! We can all be one big happy family again!"

"Just a sec," Yukio interrupted impatiently. "Why are you only telling ME this? What about Rin-"

"Sadly, we can't take him in as well," Ernest shook his head sadly, "on account of his…_condition_."

"…You mean his blue flames-"

"Heck NO. I mean his complete absence of moral intelligence and general hygiene."

"…Oh." Yukio blinked. "Wait, 'take in' where? Where are we-" He broke off with a gasp as the train suddenly went dark. Passing through a tunnel, the train emerged in an enormous underground bunker, filled to the brim with stacked crates, vehicles, and numerous weapons. "Wha...what IS this place?"

"The Dragoon Laboratory," Ernest explained with pride, beaming. "A factory of anti-Demon weaponry.

"OhmiGod can I PLEASE borrow something for Rin-"

"Yukio." Ernest stood, his face suddenly serious. "Join me. For the sake of peace, as well as the future of humanity, let us start a new age." He held out a hand to his grandson, who stared back at him in awe. Yukio slowly raised a hand, reached forward, and-

Picked up a menu.

"Sooo are we gonna get something to eat or what?" Yukio asked, flipping through. "I am STARVING." He glanced up to find Ernest staring at him blankly. "What? I skipped lunch. Some appetizers? Anything? No?" Yukio frowned. "I hate you, grandpa."

-With Rin-

Rin, meanwhile, had just entered the True Cross Headquarters with Mr. Tsubaki, the two going to where Professor Nehaus was being held captive. Another Exorcist turned as they entered the vast chamber and nodded a greeting.

"How was the monastery?" He asked nonchalantly.

"A frigging _MESS_," Rin snorted aloud. Mr. Tsubaki glared at him.

"You _created_ the mess."

"I helped clean it up!" Rin protested. Mr. Tsubaki's glare doubled in intensity.

"…You made it _worse_!"

"No-one appreciates _anything_ I do," Rin huffed under his breath and turned to the Exorcist. "Where's Nehaus?"

"He's being interrogated in the Great Cell," the Exorcist answered, gesturing to the huge iron door behind him.

"And they didn't tell me first?" Rin gasped. "I want in on this!" He shoved past the man and bolted for the cell.

"Hey, you can't go in there!" The Exorcist turned to the other man. "Mr. Tsubaki, _please_-"

"Are you kidding me?" Mr. Tsubaki pushed past him as well. "I'm not missing this!"

"…This Academy has gone to _shit_," the Exorcist sighed hopelessly, covering his face with his hands while fighting back tears.

Inside the Great Cell, Shura was having a stare-down with Professor Nehaus, who sat across the table, staring stoically back in silence, refusing to cooperate.

"I'm going to ask _one_ more time," she growled out. "Who was that woman who attacked Rin and the boys in the dorm?"

"Answer the question, asshole!" Rin added, shining a lamp directly into Nehaus' eye.

"Rin how the hell did you get in-"

"I'M the one asking the questions here!"

"For heaven's sake, she's my _wife_!" Professor Nehaus burst out, jerking away from the harsh light. "Now please stop shining that in my face. I have one good eye and I'd like to keep it."

"Your wife? _What_? How is that possible?" Rin leaned across the table, scowling in confusion. "How can she be your wife? Wasn't your entire family killed by Satan on the Blue Night? What color are my underpants?"

Nehaus blinked for a moment.

"Uh…white?"

"Wrong! The answer is yellow!" Rin paused. "Though they _were_ white when I bought them."

"Rin, will you stop-"

"No! I have one more question!" Rin shoved a hand in Shura's face to silence her protests and met Nehaus' gaze steadily. "How did your wife get her awesome Spiderman super powers?"

"RIN!"

"Answer or I will be forced to have Mr. Tsubaki make out with you!" Rin warned. Behind him, Mr. Tsubaki slowly pulled out a tube of lipstick and began applying it with promise.

"And this time, it's NOT chap-stick!" He hissed out dangerously.

"Oh GOD I'll talk!" Professor Nehaus was quick to break under the pressure of the terrifying threat and began speaking as fast as he could. "Yes, my wife _was_ dead! Satan killed her on the Blue Night! However, she was quickened! It's a technique that brings the dead back to life!"

"So you DID work at that lab we found through the portal!" Shura cried triumphantly. "You used that forbidden technology and resurrected your dead wife!"

"Wait a minute. So you used a forbidden technique…to bring back your dead wife." Rin gaped at the man in horror, eyes wide and bloodshot. "Oh my GOD we've got some Fullmetal Alchemist shit going on up in here!" He seized Nehaus by the collar and hauled him close. "Now listen, man, the first rule of Alchemy is that in order to gain something, something of equal value must be-"

"Shut up, Rin!" Shura snapped.

"Equivalent exchange, bitch!"

"No, it wasn't me!" Nehaus protested, pulling out of Rin's grasp. "Yes, I preserved her body, but I didn't resurrect her! If you cross that line, the Gates of Heaven will close forever-"

"Not to mention the Truth will charge an ARM and a LEG-"

"Rin, I will stick you in the Iron Maiden if I have to." Shura stated flatly.

"IT WAS FUNNY!"

"I DON'T CARE! No more Fullmetal Alchemist references for the rest of the episode, okay?" Shura rolled her eyes and sighed before turning back to Nehaus. "So, if _you_ didn't resurrect your wife, then who _did_?"

"I don't know," Nehaus sighed, sitting back in his seat and running a hand through his hair. "One day, I returned to the lab to find my wife, Michelle's, hibernation chamber open, and she was alive! So I-"

"Hold up." Rin suddenly interrupted, scowling across the table at the man. "You mean all this time you've been CHEATING on YUKIO?"

"Rin-"

"And to think I _supported_ you two! Well now you're on your own, mister!"

"RIN! NO MORE NEHAUS-YUKIO REFERENCES EITHER!" Shura exploded. "Now sit down and listen to this man's _incredibly_ boring story!" She gestured to Nehaus, who frowned at her. "Please, continue."

"…I soon realized that a Demon had possessed my wife's body," Nehaus went on after a moment. "But I just couldn't find it in myself to finish her off. Some time later, a team of Exorcists came and attempted to arrest us, setting the laboratory on fire. We managed to escape and used the portal key to flee to Japan. But now, slowly but surely, Michelle has been changing, and-"

Rin and Shura were passed out on the ground, rendered unconscious by the extreme boredom of the man's tale. Hell, I had a hard time just writing it!

"AND NOW SHE LIVES TO KILL SATAN AND ALL THOSE CONNECTED WITH HIM THE END I'M DONE."

"Whu? Oh. Right." Rin snorted awake and quickly sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "So…lemme get this straight. Your wife shoots silk from her ASS?"

"…Have you even been LISTENING-"

"I tried not to. It was REALLY boring."

"Michelle doesn't have any time left!" Nehaus cried. "Don't you understand? She's a re-animated corpse! Very soon now, she'll start to rot, and then it'll all be over!"

"_What_?" Rin gasped. "Damn! That means I have to hurry!" He turned and dashed for the exit, Shura hot on his heels as they left the Great Cell.

"Rin! Where are you going?" She demanded.

"Can't you see?" Rin shot back at her without slowing. "I'm going to find Nehaus's wife!"

"Oh, Rin…" Shura stopped in her tracks, blinking back tears as she was moved by Rin's kindness. "That's so-"

"I GOTTA get her to bite me before she dies so I can become Spiderman too!"

"…incredibly stupid of you." Shura finished. "I really should have seen that coming. But anyway, how will you even FIND her? You have no idea where to look!"

Rin stopped in his tracks and stared back at her blankly for a long moment.

"…You ruin _everything_," he stated matter-of-factly.

"I'm just pointing out-"

"Except your rockin' tits. Those really _brighten_ my day-"

"OKAY JUST GO." Shura shoved the boy out the door and sighed dismally. "Well I just got my birth control for the year."

As Rin stumbled out the door and onto the open lawn of the True Cross Academy grounds, his phone suddenly trilled. Stopping to catch his balance, he flipped it open and answered.

"S'up?"

"Rin?" Shiemi asked in a serious tone. "I NEED you. RIGHT NOW."

There was a long, drawn-out pause from the other end.

"…Is this a booty call?"

"What? No, Rin! Just…get _over_ here!"

"Hang on, bitch! I'm on my way!" Rin paused again. "Seriously though you can tell me if this is-"

Shiemi hung up on him.

-Elsewhere…-

Michelle, Nehaus' wife, was slowly awakening. Squinting her eyes sleepily, she sat up to find herself lying in the nimbus of an enormous flower. Surrounding her was a flourishing garden with sweet-smelling flowers, tall trees and bushes. She gasped at the ethereal beauty of the place, inhaling the heady scent in the air. As she watched, a number of Green Men appeared from the undergrowth and began to crowd around her curiously.

"…Okay, is this Avatar, or did I take the best shit in the world?" She mumbled to herself. She looked up to find an enormous tree-spirit thing leaning over her and grinning. "Yeah. Yeah I took some good shit." Michelle sat back and absorbed the wonder of the place, the peace, the serenity-

*_BRRRRRRRRRRRR_!*

Shiemi suddenly walked past with a roaring weed-whacker, mowing down the Green Men and decapitating patches of flowers. She noticed Michelle gaping at her in horror and stopped.

"Oh! You're awake!" Shiemi switched off the machine and removed her gore-spattered goggles. "Sorry, the hedges needed trimming and-"

"I am SO going to die down here," Michelle realized, and tried to bolt for the exit. She immediately winced in pain and fell back down.

"Be careful! You're hurt! You shouldn't move!" Shiemi warned, hurrying to her side.

"Where…AM I?" Michelle managed to get out, watching warily as Shiemi sat beside her.

"You collapsed in the garden outside, and these little guys helped me move you down here!" Shiemi gestured to the waving Green Men. "Well, part of the way, then I tossed you down the stairs the rest of it, which is how you got your injuries."

"…Wait, what?"

Shiemi held up a first-aid kit, leaned close, and…placed her hands on the woman's chest.

"…Yup, mine are _definitely_ bigger."

"Wait, _WHAT_?"

-Upstairs-

Rin, meanwhile, had just arrived on the premises. He cracked open the front door of the shop and peeked inside.

"Hello?" He called into the darkness. "Shiemi? You in here?" He paused, waiting for an answer. "I took my underwear off, just in case. Hurts my balls a little. Shiemi?" Again, no answer. "…Is this like sex hide-and-seek or something?"

"_Ni_!"

"Huh?" Rin turned to find Ni-chan standing with him on the porch, waving a tiny arm imploringly. "Oh, you'll show me the way? Thanks!" Rin's smile quickly turned into a concerned frown. "Wait, what are you, her pimp?" Ni-chan ignored the comment and led Rin to a side building, inside which was a flight of stairs. As Ni-chan hopped down into the darkness, Rin paused, sniffing the air.

"_Ppphaaaugh_! What DIED in here?" Rin gagged, then froze. "…Wait a second. SHIEMI!"

-Back Downstairs Again!-

Shiemi sat next to Michelle, actually treating the woman's wounds this time. As she wrapped her arm with bandages, Shiemi chattered away.

"This is the secret garden of my grandmother. She always told me that if we just listened to what the plants had to say, they'd bloom beautifully. And it's true! Just look at this place!" She finished affixing the bandage and beamed at Michelle, her face shining with love and rainbows. Michelle smiled weakly back.

"Hmm…maybe I judged her too fast," she thought to herself.

"It's getting a little chilly in here, isn't it?" Shiemi asked suddenly. "Hold on. I'll get some more firewood!" She stood, hefted an axe, and hacked the tree-spirit to pieces as it screamed and writhed in agony. "Thanks!" She said, then tossed the logs onto the nearby fire. "Mmm, nice and toasty!" She sat back down and smiled innocently at Michelle. "Now where was I?"

"The part where I get the _fuck_ outta here," Michelle stated, searching desperately for the exit.

"What?"

"Oh, uh…this place," Michelle stammered, backing away, "it's…uh…like the Garden of Amahara!"

"_Really_?" Shiemi gasped aloud. She lunged for the woman, holding her hands tight in a bone-shattering grip. "Will you be my friend?" She begged, eyes wide and pleading. "This is the first time I've met someone who knew about the Garden of Amahara!"

"Uhhh…" Michelle gulped, trying to think of a response that wouldn't get her chopped up like the tree. "Listen honey, you're sweet and all, but your intensity is a little… _disturbing_."

"What intensity?" Shiemi frowned in confusion. "Anyway, since we're besties, would you mind if I got a tattoo of your face on my right thigh?"

"Aaand that's exactly what I'm talking about."

"I FOUND YOU, YOU EVIL BITCH!" Rin roared, tumbling down the stairs into the basement-garden.

"Oh thank GOD." Michelle sagged with relief. "Help me! HELP ME!"

"Shiemi! Are you hurt? Did she touch you?" Rin asked desperately, then blinked. "Please tell me she did."

"…Okay nevermind I'm not safe with _you_ either." As Rin approached the pair, Michelle snatched the scissors from the First-Aid kit and held it to Shiemi's throat, clutching her close.

"Stop!" She cried in warning. "Don't come any closer!"

"Or…what?" Rin asked after a tense moment.

"Or…or…I'll cut her hair!"

"Oh _please_!" Rin snorted, rolling his eyes. "She's already got a BOWL-cut, for goodness sakes. You can't do anything WORSE-"

"Hey!" Shiemi snapped in outrage. "Screw you, I like my hair!"

"Aaaand that's why you're a nerd."

"ExCUSE me!" Michelle interrupted hotly. "_I'm_ the one with the scissors here!"

"Yeah, while you got 'em, why not use them to trim that stupid fringe covering your eye! How can you even _see_?" Rin scoffed, gesturing at Michelle's questionable hairstyle. "And while you're at it, I got some split ends-"

"Satan took everything from me!" Michelle shrieked in anger. "DIE!" She rose to attack Rin, couldn't see anything because of her stupid fringe covering one eye, ran into a tree, and fell down unconscious.

"TOLD you," Rin stated, then drew Kurikara and stepped forward to finish her off.

"NO!" Shiemi stepped in the way, arms spread wide to protect Michelle's fallen form. "Stop it! Don't touch her! She's my best friend since FOREVER-"

"You just met her an HOUR ago!"

"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR FRIENDSHIP!"

"Shiemi," Rin began in a calm voice, "she's an undead zombie seeking revenge."

"I'm not going to judge her!" Shiemi protested.

"She attacked the boys at the dorm!"

"I'm sure she had a good reason-"

"Including Yukio."

"_WHAT_?" Shiemi whirled around, heaving up Michelle's limp body and shaking her furiously. "Is that true? How could you DO this to us? I thought what we had was SPECIAL!" She paused, sniffling. "…What was your name again?"

"GAWD, Shiemi, just step aside and-"

"No! Look!" Shiemi gestured to the ground, where several Green Men were gathered around Michelle's form. "The Green Men wouldn't help her if she was a bad person…right?"

"Uh, they help YOU and you're borderline _psychotic_," Rin pointed out.

"Say that again and I will turned you into COMPOST!" Shiemi roared, then blinked, surprised at her own fury. "…Wow, maybe I _do_ need help."

"Yes. Yes you do." Rin sighed and returned his sword to its sheath, dousing his flames. "Okay, enough of this. We got her. She's Professor Nehaus' wife."

"Say WHAT?" Shiemi goggled. "How the hell did that cyclops bag a _hottie_ like her?" Rin stared at her blankly. "…I'm just wondering."

Rin rolled his eyes and retreated back upstairs, pulling out his cell-phone and dialing. Stepping out into the outdoor garden, he ignored the light mist of rain falling from the clouds above and crouched down as the other line picked up, Shura answering.

"Hello? Rin? Where are you?" She asked.

"Hey, I found her."

"You found Michelle?"

"No. Angel. He's standing right in front of me." Angel stood before the boy with a small team of Exorcists, glaring down at Rin dangerously from beneath his sparkly pink umbrella. "Looking at me with those _beady_ eyes." Rin paused. "I _think_ he's wearing mascara." He paused again. "…I gotta go."

"What a beautiful garden," Angel remarked nonchalantly as Rin hung up the phone and stood to face him. "This beauty doesn't befit a Demon. In fact, it- OH GOD is that COW MANURE on my new boots? SHIT! This garden is DISGUSTING!" Rin threw his head back and laughed, eliciting yet another death-glare from the disgruntled girly-man. "Alright that's it. Hold my umbrella while I kick his ass- HOLD MY UMBRELLA."

"Well," Rin thought several seconds later, his face firmly planted in the loamy dirt of the garden, Angel's boot upon the back of his head, "hopefully Shiemi will be smart enough to run-"

"Hi, Rin!" Shiemi chirruped, standing next to him in the custody of an Exorcist.

"Oh Godammit!"

"Ohmigosh RIN!" Shiemi gasped in outrage at the sight of him on the ground.

"Shiemi, it's okay, I'm not hur-"

"You're ruining my _begonias_!"

"…Okay, screw you, whore." Rin paused. "And you too, Shiemi."

"_Hmph_! Haters gonna hate." Angel tossed his head and sauntered over to Michelle, who was trapped in the grip of several other Exorcists. "Found you at last! You Demon with a human face…reviving the dead is the greatest taboo of- oh who DOES your hair?" He paused to seize a lock in his hand and admire its shine. "It's gorgeous! Like spun gold with sunshine _high-lights_-"

"Piss off, you raging 'mo," Michelle spat at him.

"I'm not gay!" Angel shrieked at her, raising his large sword. "I'm just METRO!" The sword swung down, Michelle closing her eyes and awaiting the finishing blow.

"STOP!" Nehaus was suddenly there, shoving Angel back and protecting his wife with his body. "Let her go, I beg of you! Kill me instead!"

"Oh GOD your hair is horrible," Angel sneered in disgust, then threw him aside to attack Michelle once again. This time Rin stepped in, blade drawn, the Paladin and Demon facing off for battle. "Why?" Angel hissed, glaring into Rin's burning eyes. "Why do you protect-"

"Superpowers."

"…What?"

"Find your own, bitch!"

And the fight was on. The two leapt about the garden, exchanging blows and insults, cutting down trees and destroying hedges, all while Shiemi watched in mounting horror.

"Please don't hit-"

*_CRASH_!*

"Watch out for my-"

*_SMASH_!*

"Be careful around-"

*_THWACK_!*

"Okay fuck you BOTH!" Shiemi hollered, throwing her arms in the air.

"Rin, stop!" Shura appeared beside Rin, blocking his next attack and holding him back. Rin sputtered in protest, trying to pull free.

"Shura, what the hell, I was getting my groove on-"

"Just stop, Rin!" Shura stood her ground. "What do you think will happen if you lose control of your flames? Do you want everyone here to _die_?"

"They're just random NPC's!" Rin argued. "Nobody cares! They don't even have NAMES!"

"Yes we _do_!" A random Exorcist called from the crowd with an outraged expression. "Mine is Fred Fredfurger!" There was a short pause. "…I didn't say it was a good one."

"Dear God I think I want to kill you even _more_ now," Rin stated.

*_BLAM_!* Suddenly a shot rang out through the garden, someone having fired upon them. Rin winced, fearing the worst…but the bullet had found another.

"_Ugh_!" Michelle staggered back, having inexplicably appeared behind Rin and taken the bullet meant for him.

"Oh thank God- I MEAN HOW HORRIBLE." Rin quickly wiped the look of relief from his face and replaced it with an expression of malady and woe.

"Michelle! NO!" Nehaus cried in despair, running to his wife's side.

"Yes, THAT was her name!" Shiemi said, snapping her fingers. "MICHELLE, NOOOOO!"

"_DAMMIT_!" Rin screamed with rage, rounding on the crowd of Exorcists and storming toward them. "Who did it? Who shot her? Who ruined my dream of being Spider-Man? Get over here, NOW! I'm cuttin' your DICK off!" He paused, considering. "Unless you're a girl then I'll just give you a _stern_ talking to."

"Darling…" Michelle smiled weakly up at Nehaus as he crouched beside her, taking her dying/already-dead body in his arms. "Let's find…a nice, peaceful place to live…somewhere like…the Amahara Garden…"

"…Michelle…" Nehaus choked on his words, fighting back tears. "…I was thinking more Las Vegas."

"God, even when we're _dying_ we fight!" Michelle wailed as Nehaus stood, cradling her in his arms. The two held each other tight as huge roots suddenly blanketed them, summoned from the army of tiny Green Men surrounding the pair. In a matter of seconds, the pair was covered in a sphere of vines, roots, and flowers. Silence fell over the garden as everyone gazed at the ball and felt a profound sense of loss.

"…Well that shut 'em up."

"_RIN_!"

"I'm not the only one thinking it!"

"_Oy_." Shura sighed and rubbed her temples. "Way to ruin the moment."

"Dammit, I got grass-stains!" Angel suddenly cried, inspecting his ruined trousers. "These were brand new! That's it! I can't be expected to execute anyone like this! We're _leaving_!"

As he and the team of Exorcists retreated in a huff, the sprinkling rain disappeared, the moody clouds opening to reveal shafts of warm sunlight. In the distance, bells could be heard, tolling deep.

"What's that for?" Rin asked, cocking his head to listen.

"It's an urgent summons from the Vatican," Shura explained.

"Uh-oh." Rin gave her a look. "Seems like your secret of being a MAN got out-"

Shura slugged him in the gut and stormed off. Groaning in pain, Rin dragged himself over to Shiemi, who was still gazing at the great sphere of roots and flowers that rested in the center of the garden.

"…Is that gonna be okay?" Rin asked, nodding toward it.

"Yes." Shiemi smiled softly. "It just needs some trimming is all." So saying, she pulled out a large pair of shears and began pruning the edges.

"I don't know HOW I'm going to break this to Yukio," Rin sighed deeply, turning to leave. Shiemi immediately caught his wrist and glared.

"Where do you think YOU'RE going?" She demanded, pointing at the ruined hedges and smashed flowers. "Grab a hoe and get to work."

"I can't, Shura already left-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, ASSHOLE."

"Yes, ma'am."

-Later-

"Arthur Auguste Angel reporting in." Angel knelt on the stone floor of the darkened courtroom, awaiting the orders of the Grigori. Having been unable to save his precious trousers, he was in a bit of a foul mood, not to mention he actually found a _white_ hair while brushing today. He blamed it on Rin. As a matter of fact, everything was his fault, the annoying little shit-

"Good work, Paladin," a deep voice intoned from above. Angel frowned and glanced up, confused to find a single figure standing upon the raised platform.

"…Where are the Grigori?" He asked cautiously.

"They were…dismissed," the figure answered indifferently. Angel gasped.

"But…but they're the highest form of authority in the Order of the True Cross! Not to mention they always gave me such good critiques on my clothes and shoes, helped me match my colors-"

"As of today," the man interrupted, slowly turning to reveal himself to be the masked man on the train, "I, Ernest Frederick Aegin, shall take over their duties." His eyes narrowed as he studied Angel critically. "…And by all accounts, your clothes are last season, your hair is frizzy, and your belt does NOT match your boots."

Angel threw his head back and wailed in despair.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

-Episode 21 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: I'm gettin' there! Just a few more to go! Review, please!


	22. Chapter 22

Author's Note: Wow, getting really close now. Almost done! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 22

Demon Hunt

Rin lay sprawled on his back, snoring away on his bed in the dorm, in danger of drowning in his own spit and drool. As he snarked and snorted, Kuro, his Cat-Sith familiar, hopped onto the bed and crept up his chest, crouching there to gently prod at his face with a paw.

_Rin? Riiiin, wake up_! He added a few plaintive mewls, to no effect. Rin was like a coma patient except he'd still be a vegetable when he woke up. OH SNAP. Kuro's eyes narrowed dangerously, and the small cat slowly turned itself around to better aim its spray at Rin's face. The countdown began. _3…2…1-_

"Okay I'm up! I'm UP!" Rin's eyes snapped open and he sat up, hurriedly smacking Kuro off his chest. "Cat-butt. Not the best thing to wake up to." He yawned widely and glanced around, noticing that Yukio's bed was still untouched and empty. "Hmm…Yukio hasn't come home yet…"

_I hope he's okay_, Kuro added mournfully. Rin frowned, his features tight with concern.

"…You think if I got rid of his bed I could fit a hot-tub in here?"

_Rin, you should be WORRIED_. Kuro hissed, lashing his tail.

"…I'll get you some catnip."

…_He'll come home eventually._

After a call to the local hot-tub installers, Rin snatched up his bag and headed off to class. He arrived on school grounds only to find that the True Cross Academy was closed for the day, the immense doors locked firmly shut. Dozens of students crowded around, murmuring to one another in confusion. Rin scowled at the closed doors in indignation.

"Fuck you, doors! I didn't wanna go inside anyway!" He declared grumpily, then paused. "…I'm just playing baby please let me in-"

"Oh God he's doing it again!" One student cried, the rest inching away from the strange boy so as not to catch his stupid. Rin ignored them and, spotting Suguro, Shima, and Konekomaru in the crowd, headed over towards them, waving his arms.

"Hey, assholes!" He greeted heartily. "What's going on?"

"Piss off," Suguro shot back with just as much enthusiasm. "The school's temporarily closed. There was that hostage incident the other day-"

"Oh, yeah, right." Rin turned to Konekomaru with a look of concern. "How you holding up, man?"

"…I'm fine, Rin." Konekomaru answered. "They didn't rape me."

"Look, I know a great hot-line that can really help with the trauma-"

"They didn't even touch me!" Konekomaru cried.

"I'm here for you." Rin reached out and patted the boy's shoulder.

"…Are you even _listening_ to me?"

"Unless, you know, Bon wants a quickie, then you're on your own."

"I think I know why they closed the school," Suguro muttered, glancing over at Shima.

"That's NOT why!" Izumo cut in, appearing from the shadows. Rin let out a high-pitched squeal of terror and hopped into Shima's arms, trembling. Izumo gave them a dark look before continuing. "It's because our principal, Mephisto, was arrested, the leaders of the Vatican have been replaced, and a new Pope has been elected."

The boys all stared at her in unmasked horror.

"Oh GOD it's not _you_, is it?" Suguro whispered uncertainly.

"I wouldn't put it past her!" Rin snorted, clinging tightly to Shima. "Her evilness knows no bounds!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if she orchestrated the whole thing!" Shima joined in.

"…Hi, Izumo," Konekomaru greeted flatly. Izumo stared at him for a moment.

"…_You_ get to live," she stated, then glared at the others. "And you know, you _really_ shouldn't be giving me any ideas." She hissed dangerously before slithering away into the underbrush. A tense silence followed.

"Why am I so turned ON?" Shima wailed in confusion.

"I have a feeling there's gonna be a lot of changes around here…" Suguro murmured to himself.

"Are you sure it's not because of me?" Rin asked, leaning his head against Shima's shoulder and fluttering his eyelashes.

"…and thank GOD for that."

Meanwhile, inside the locked doors of the True Cross Academy, all the Exorcists/Professors had been gathered into a single classroom and were all surprised and a bit confused to find Yukio standing at the front, addressing them.

"As of right now," he told them solemnly, wearing a new military uniform of dark green material, "the Vatican is in control of both the school and the Order of the True Cross. I am the new head of the Japanese Branch, replacing Mephisto."

"_What_?" Many Exorcists gasped in outrage, wildly exchanging glances. "But he's just a boy! Why is Yukio-"

"Wearing such glamorous _boots_?" Mr. Tsubaki finished with an awed gasp. His hand shot up in the air and he waved it about emphatically. "Excuse me? _Excuse_ me! Will we all be issued boots like yours?"

"I am also the newly-appointed Paladin," Yukio went on, ignoring Mr. Tsubaki's cries and holding up his new ID card, "so you will all-"

"Is that how you got the boots?"

"…Mr. Tsubaki, I order you to punch yourself in the face," Yukio ground out.

"…If I do, will I get the-"

"NO."

"You're out of control!" Mr. Tsubaki sobbed, then socked himself in the jaw.

Back outside on the front steps of the Academy, Shura had met up with Rin and already informed him of the news about Yukio.

"What? Yukio's the new Paladin?" Rin gaped in awe. "But…what happened to that guy before, what's-his-name?" He frowned, struggling to recall. "Gay-face?"

"You mean Angel," Shura corrected.

"That's what I said."

"Since when do YOU care about Angel?" Yukio cut in, walking out of the Academy doors to join Shura and his brother.

"Since he became my rival in the looks department," Rin answered with a charming smile. "I obviously have him beat hands-down in the personality section."

"Though it shames me greatly to admit it," Yukio stated matter-of-factly," I reluctantly agree."

"But anyway! Yukio!" Rin glared at his brother, crossing his arms…_crossly_. "You're seriously the new Paladin? Who'd you have to sleep with to get _that_ title?" He paused, frowning. "If you say Mephisto I _will_ vomit."

"Rin," Yukio answered in a strangely calm voice, "I now have the power to legally deem you mentally challenged. How'd you like to wear a helmet for the rest of your life?" Rin stared at him with wide eyes and let out a soft whimper. "Don't make me abuse my power."

"But…why didn't you _tell_ me?" Rin went on after a moment. "Besides the obvious reason that I would tease you unmercifully about it."

"Listen," Yukio sighed. "The only reason I was appointed as the new Paladin was so I could help the Vatican carry out…THE PLAN."

"…Which is?" Rin prompted impatiently.

"…THIS." Yukio slowly raised a hand, and, holding a remote, switched on the nearby television screen. It flickered on to reveal…

Spongebob and Patrick dancing around in Jellyfish Fields.

"…My God it's GENIUS!" Rin cried in jubilation.

"Shut up, Rin! I'm obviously on the wrong channel! Hold on!" Yukio grumbled as he searched the channels until he finally found the correct one. "Okay here we go." On the screen, Pope Ernest could be seen standing in an opulent church, speaking before a large crowd of Exorcists from a raised podium.

"Can't we watch Spongebob? This is boring."

"Shhh! This is important! Listen!"

"My people!" Pope Ernest intoned, voice booming over the speakers for all in the city to hear, "For too long we have lived in fear of Demons! But that ends today! For I have a plan! We shall launch a major offensive against the Demons and eradicate them! I order Exorcists everywhere…begin Operation _Richard's Stepladder!"_

A confused hush fell over the gathered Exorcists. One standing next to the Pope cleared his throat and leaned in close to whisper into the man's ear.

"Begin Operation…_Jacob's Ladder_!" Pope Ernest corrected quickly. The speech ended with tumultuous applause. Yukio switched the screen off as Rin cocked his head to the side, frowning in consternation.

"Operation Jacob's Ladder?" He repeated. "Isn't that a movie?"

"It's in the Book of Genesis, Rin," Yukio said.

"…Is _that_ a movie?"

"Jesus Christ."

"…Is he the lead actor?"

"RIN." Yukio turned to face his brother, fighting to keep his inner calm from turning outer homicidal. "Just…say…you'll help me." Rin grinned wickedly.

"You'll help me."

Yukio drew his gun in one smooth motion and pressed the barrel firmly between Rin's eyes. Rin stared at it cross-eyed for several long moments as he debated his next course of action.

"…Can I hear a _please_?"

Yukio drew the hammer back with a sharp click.

"Okay, I'll help you, _geez_!" Rin rubbed at his forehead as Yukio withdrew the gun. "You're so PUSHY." Yukio turned away, ignoring him. "I like it."

*_BLAM BLAM BLAM_!*

-Later…-

Operation Jacob's Ladder had begun. Multitudes of Exorcists as well as the Exwires were brought into the confines of the enormous Dragoon Laboratory. Racks of guns, knives, and other various pieces of weaponry littered the walls, every Exorcist ordered to select one for use against the Demons.

"Isn't this a little…_extreme_?" Suguro asked uneasily, staring at the AK-47 in his hands.

"Hey guys! Check it out!" With a loud rumble, a large tank rolled into the room, Shima popping his head out of the top and waving. "I'm gonna pimp this bitch out with some spinners and a disco ball in here!"

"What the…? Push _over_, man!" Suguro dropped the gun and clambered up beside him. "How do you shoot this thing?"

"These are Demon-slayer weapons developed by the Vatican. The guns take the power of a defeated Demon and uses it to boost your exorcism," an older Exorcist was explaining to them. "It also adds +5 to your intelligence and speed."

"Ohmigosh _REALLY_?" Konekomaru squealed in excitement. "What about your strength and defense? Are they boosted as well or do I need extra equipment?"

"…I think it just added +10 to your _NERD_." Shima sneered from above.

"Hey, shut up, noob! I roll initiative!"

Shiemi and Izumo stood off to the side, each holding a bow and quiver of arrows. They turned to a senior Exorcist standing nearby.

"Um, hey, we're supposed to be Tamers," Izumo protested, gesturing to her and Shiemi's bows.

"Oh, alright then," the man nodded. "You get a Grimoire." He pointed to the back of the room, where a group of burly Exorcists were busy bench-pressing with the ridiculously huge book.

"…We'll stick with these, thanks," Shiemi wisely replied.

"Oh, by the way," Izumo went on, "can I use weapons from my own personal stash, or just these?" Shiemi stared at her wildly before turning to the others.

"Does anyone want to trade partners?"

"Now listen up!" The older Exorcist ordered once everyone had chosen a suitable weapon. "These aren't toys. You kids still lack experience. That's why you have to be EXTRA careful with-"

*_BLAM_!*

The Exorcist went down in a heap, clutching his bleeding shoulder. Everyone whirled to stare accusingly at Shima, who stood there holding a smoking gun.

"…I swear that's never happened to me before," he said blankly.

"Godammit, Shima! Gimme that!" Suguro cried, wresting the gun away.

"I was performing under pressure-"

"SHIMA. STOP. TALKING."

-Even Later-

As night fell over the city, the massacre began. An army of Exorcists swept down the streets, flushing out nests of lowly Demons and eradicating them with their newfound weaponry. The weapons, as they said, grew more powerful with each kill, the Exorcists gaining experience and leveling up to- wait, _WHAT_?

"Since when did this show become a friggin' Role Playing Game?" Suguro growled unhappily amongst the others.

"What makes you say that?" Rin asked innocently from atop a Chocobo.

"GET OFF- WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT THING?"

"Looking for the Black Materia."

"Oh my God I'm going to kill you." Suguro stared up at him. "…And get your experience."

"No _I_ want it!" Konekomaru cried. "I'm just about to level up!"

After the blood-bath in the city, the Exorcists moved on to cleanse other areas, the Exwires forced to join in and slay countless Demons in old mines, abandoned buildings, and forests. Then they set their dead bodies on fire.

"…Okay, yes, this is _way_ too extreme," Izumo stated aloud, eyeing the burning corpses. "And that's coming from someone who is a potential serial killer." Beside her, Shiemi's face went white with horror. "I said POTENTIAL."

"…Rin? You okay?" Shiemi asked cautiously, looking over at the boy. He was turned away from the others, not moving, head down… "Oh, Rin, it's okay, don't-"

"Huh?" Rin looked back, a sizzling marshmallow on a stick held in one hand. "Check it out! I'm makin' s'mores! Want some?" He squashed the cooked marshmallow between graham crackers and chocolate and popped it into his mouth. "They kinda got charred Demon flesh in them, but if you close your eyes you can pretend they're chocolate bits!"

"…Nevermind." Shiemi rolled her eyes. "You're obviously fine with the slaughter of your kin."

While the other Exorcists were busy carrying out the order to exterminate all of Demonkind, Yukio was sitting by himself, mulling on dark thoughts. He couldn't help but keep thinking of what Pope Ernest had said to him several days ago…

-_Flashbaaack_!-

"_What_? You're saying...if this plan succeeds…Rin will become…_SMART_?" Yukio gaped across the small room at Pope Ernest, who smiled back amiably and nodded. "How is that even _possible_?"

"The Kurikara has sealed Rin's flames in Gehenna," Ernest explained with patience, "along with most of his brain and higher thought-processes. So, it stands to reason that if we succeed in destroying Gehenna, the world of Demons, all Demonic power shall disappear! Rin will regain his intelligence, and everyone will be happy! Now, I know that this concept might be hard to believe-"

"No, actually, it makes perfect sense-"

"And, even more important than regaining his intelligence," Pope Ernest went on excitedly, "Rin will also become _human_-"

"Who cares about THAT?" Yukio cut him off. "I just want to have a rewarding conversation with Rin without any fart sounds or dick jokes!" He paused, thinking. "I'd also like to not have to clean the pee from his clothes ever again." Suddenly he looked away, shaking his head in disbelief. "But…to destroy Gehenna itself…it's impossible!" He paused again, glancing at Ernest from the corner of his eye. "Unless you plan to send Rin OVER there-"

"Don't worry, my boy," Pope Ernest chuckled. "We have spent fifteen years developing the ultimate weapon, The Messiah. We shall send this bomb through the Gehenna Gate, which we can artificially create with immense amounts of Demon blood, into the Demon world-"

"Or you could just save all that trouble and send Rin over there-"

"Once Gehenna is no more," Ernest went on over him," not only will Rin become normal, but _you_ as well." When Yukio frowned in confusion at this, his grandfather chuckled again. "Come, now. Did you think I was unaware of your little secret, grandson?"

"…Wh…what? No, I…alright, I admit it!" Yukio burst out, unable to hide it any longer. "I like wearing women's clothing! It started out as shoes, then moved up to tights and underwear, now I just can't get enough! I can't help it, I'm-"

"_Uhh_," Ernest cut in, a disturbed look on his face despite the obscuring mask. "No, I meant…your OTHER secret…you know, the one where your evil moles are taking over your body?"

"Oh." Yukio blinked. "Yeah. That one."

-Back to the Present!-

Killing can really take it out of a person, so the army of filthy murdering Exorcists had set up camp in the forest, pitching tents and lighting camp-fires. The Exwires sat around in chairs eating their supper, the mood somber.

"Hey, fellow executioners!" Rin greeted cheerily, walking over. Kuro perched on his shoulder, purring. "Whatcha eating?"

"_Regret_- I mean…canned peas," Suguro mumbled, staring at his feet.

"I'm having some inner turmoil with a side of SHAME," Konekomaru added, lifting his tray.

"That's sounds pretty good, think there's any left?"

"_Ugh_!" Izumo threw down her own tray in disgust. "How can you even _think_ of eating right now?"

"Hey, don't get mad at me!" Rin protested. "I skipped lunch! I'm starving! Heck, I could eat a wild BOAR right now!"

With a thunderous squeal, an enormous boar with gleaming tusks charged out of the nearby trees and plowed through the camp, tearing up tents and scattering supplies in its destructive wake.

"…Speak of the Devil!" Rin said, slowly raising a knife and fork. "Wait hold on why is there a giant boar- ohmigosh who dug up the iron ore and upset the Forest Spirit you guys?"

"Rin, shut up!" Suguro hollered, jumping to his feet. "We gotta help!"

"Hey, come on! I love that movie! It's by the same guy who made Totoro! NOW WHO DID IT?"

Yukio stepped out amongst the chaos of the camp, having a stare-down with the enraged creature. The boar snorted wetly and roared, charging toward Yukio and making the earth tremble beneath its pounding hooves. Yukio calmly raised his gun and fired, the boar squealing in pain and stumbling forward to crash into the tree-line.

"You humans…will pay for this!" It hissed out with its dying breath, blood soaking the grass. "Treating us Demons this way!"

Yukio didn't reply, simply leveling his gun and shooting the boar several more times to finally slay the beast.

"Dammit, Yukio! Why'd you kill it?" Rin cried, running up to the giant corpse. "Now you're gonna be cursed and hafta travel to the west-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT MOVIE ALREADY!"

"SCREW YOU IT'S A GOOD MOVIE!" Rin yelled back over his shoulder, then turned to Yukio. "But seriously! What the hell's been _with_ you lately? You're acting all psycho! That's _Izumo's_ job!"

"…You get to die _twice_," Izumo stated from behind, glaring darkly.

"…How-"

"I kill you, quicken you, kill you again."

"Ah." Rin blinked. "That is _surprisingly_ well thought out. But anyway! You haven't answered my question, Yukio! Why are you being like this?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Yukio replied blankly. "I have been ordered to eliminate every Demon in this world."

"_Every_ Demon?" Rin growled. "What about Kuro and Ukobach and Izumo's Gods of the Harvest, huh? Are you telling me you're gonna kill them too?"

Yukio had pulled out a pad of paper and was busy writing a list.

"…Kuro…Ukobach…what was that last one?"

"_Godammit_, Yukio!" Rin clenched a fist in rage, the other hand rising to comfort the cat on his shoulder. "How dare you! Kuro is a part of this very dysfunctional family! He is a loving, caring Demon who wants nothing but the best for you! To prove it, he sprayed on your pillow last night and threw up in your slippers."

*_BLAM BLAM_!*

_Mraaawr_!

Kuro leapt out of the way, hissing. Rin jumped forward and seized Yukio's gun in his hand, his blue flames awakening with his burning anger.

"What do you think you're DOING?" He snarled through clenched teeth.

"I _think_ I'm trying to shoot Kuro," Yukio answered slowly, "though I'm not too sure. Let go."

"I dunno, you seem _pretty_ sure about it."

"Probably because I am. Let GO."

"…Can I hear a _please_?"

"RIGHT FUCKING _NOW_!" Yukio roared, losing his patience. Sharp claws suddenly sprung from his fingertips and he lashed out at Rin, who stumbled back, clutching his bleeding cheek, eyes wide with shock.

"Y…Yukio! Your nails…"

"I…I just…it's nothing!" Yukio sputtered desperately.

"…you SO need to cut them!" Rin finished, aghast. "It's just _unhygienic_!"

"_Why do I even bother_-"

"Have you gone _mad_?" Rin continued berating his brother. "Exorcists are NOT butchers! We don't- oh hold on a second." Rin quickly turned and stabbed a twitching body of a Demon by his foot. "Almost got away!" Rin faced Yukio once again, blinking rapidly. "…Where was I?"

"The part where I arrest you now."

"Oh yeah right." Rin held up his hands to be cuffed. "_Wait what_-" An Exorcist stepped up and slapped a pair of cuffs on Rin before hauling him away. Yukio followed and the two walked off as the students watched in shocked horror.

"Oh thank GOD I thought he'd NEVER leave."

"_Bon_!" Konekomaru scolded.

"Admit it, you're relieved, too."

"I am NOT- okay maybe a little."

Yukio quickly took Rin to the Vatican Headquarters using the teleportation key. There, the struggling boy was led away as Shura appeared, storming up to Yukio with a furious expression. She seized his jacket and ripped it open, exposing the strange black marks spreading over his body.

"Since when?" She demanded, pointing at the encroaching marks. Yukio shrugged nonchalantly.

"That…that's nothing…it's just a really…REALLY bad sunburn. Didn't use suntan lotion. They're not evil moles. At all."

Shura frowned for a moment, then reached down and ripped off his pants, pointing accusingly at his tight-clad thighs.

"And _this_?"

"…Alright, I _know_ I have a problem!" Yukio burst out. "But it's none of your business. Stay out of my way! As the new Paladin, I have the authority to lock you up now!"

"On what grounds?" Shura argued. Yukio stared flatly at her for a moment, then dropped his gaze to her rather indecently-exposed breasts. Shura gasped in outrage and stepped back. "You _wouldn't_!"

"I. WOULD." Yukio shoved past her and marched off down the hall.

"What's with you, Yukio?" Shura called after him. "Why're you acting like this? Hey, I'm _talking_ to you! Don't you walk away from me! Hey! …Look!" She lifted her bikini-top for a moment, but Yukio didn't even glance back. "…There's just no getting _through_ to you!" She paused, frowning as she studied his legs. "Holy shit are those MINE?"

-Meanwhile…-

Back at the Exorcist camp in the woods, the students and other Exorcists were ordered to give up their weapons, which were gathered in a huge pile in the center of camp. Suguro and the others gazed at the growing mound of weaponry with uneasy expressions.

"I found out that those are Blood-Sucker weapons," Suguro told them quietly. "I called that chick no-one cares about and she told me about them. They absorb blood for some reason. But…why did the Pope order us to use them? What'll they use them for? _Arrrgh_! This is all so frustrating! GOD, I wish I had something to hit!" He paused, sighing heavily. "…I miss Rin."

"GOD, I wish I had something to hit ON!" Shima joined in. "…I miss Rin too."

"I've got an idea!" Izumo suddenly spoke up. "Let's find a talkative Professor and torture some information out of him!" The Exwires all stared at her with horrified expressions. "…Or we could just, you know, ask him nicely."

"How about Mr. Tsubaki?" Shiemi suggested. "He seems pretty nice!"

"Alright then." Suguro nodded decisively. "Who should ask him?" The group was silent for a moment, then as one turned to stare at Konekomaru.

"…Not _this_ shit again!" He cried.

"We've been through this before," Shima told him, "_you're_ the most feminine. You should take it as a compliment!"

"Then why can't the _girls_-" Konekomaru began. Suguro raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah right he's a homosexual. But STILL-"

"You can be my Vice-President," Izumo cut in. Konekomaru fell silent and stared at her a long moment, considering.

"…Alright, _fine_," he reluctantly agreed. "Please don't make me wear makeup."

"No promises," Izumo chuckled, taking out her makeup bag.

-With Rin-

Rin, meanwhile, had just woken from a short nap. He groaned and rolled over, blinking his eyes open. He was in a small cell of a dark dungeon, and to make things even worse, Mephisto was sitting in the cell opposite, grinning at him. Rin gazed back for a few seconds before speaking.

"Sooo….who gets to be the bitch?"

"Nice to see you, too," Mephisto snorted with derision.

"You didn't answer my-"

"_You_, obviously."

"Oh God." Rin whimpered. "Be gentle." He paused to glance around at the dank surroundings and wrinkled his nose. "Where…ARE we?"

"We are in the lowest level prison of the Vatican," Mephisto answered airily. Rin's eyes flew wide and he gaped in shock.

"Oh my God! The _Vatican_?"

"Yes, calm down, I know it's-"

"I can take a holy _shit_ in here!" Rin was up and scrambling around, looking for a chamber pot.

"Dear Jesus I hope they execute you first," Mephisto stated. "And I get to watch." He popped some Cheetos in his mouth and crunched noisily. Rin frowned and studied the other man's cell more closely, confused to see him sitting on a throne with a flat-screen TV on the wall and a Playstation 3 tucked into the corner.

"Good GOD, whose salad did you toss to get all that shit in your cell?" He drawled. With a soft squeak, the green Amaimon-hamster crawled out along the brim of Mephisto's hat, sniffing the air with twitching whiskers. "I don't even wanna know how you smuggled that thing in here."

"Jealous?" Mephisto huffed and fed the hamster a Cheeto.

"So, wait. Why're you locked up?" Rin blinked. "Or rather, how did you hold it off for so long?"

"Har har." Mephisto scowled. "Let me explain in a way you'll understand."

"…By speaking slowly and clearly?"

"Hell no! Illustrations!" Mephisto removed his hat and pulled forth a drawing board to better tell his story. Rin snorted in disapproval.

"What, no Powerpoint Presentation? This isn't the Prehistoric age."

"Sorry, my laptop wouldn't fit UP MY ASS," Mephisto snapped irritably. "Also there's no Wi-Fi down here."

"What? No Wi-Fi? This is _inhumane_!" Rin leapt to his feet and began rattling a tin cup against the bars. "No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! Attica, attica!"

"ANYWAY," Mephisto continued over Rin's inane yelling, "here is my story." He began flipping through several poorly-drawn crayon illustrations. "Five hundred years ago, I, Johann Faust, was working on artificial life research. Eventually I got bored with it and wandered off, and although the Vatican has forbidden it, apparently there have been others that have continued my research and-"

"Did a retarded chimp draw those for you?" Rin suddenly cut in. Mephisto shot him a wounded scowl.

"_I_ DID."

"Oh well that explains it-"

"Okay. Eff this, I'm leaving!" Mephisto threw down the pictures and stood, chanting aloud. "Eins, Zwei, Drei!" He turned into a small white dog in a puff of smoke. The hamster perched on his head, the dog trotted out between the bars of the cell and headed toward a small hole in the wall.

"Wait! Don't leave me!" Rin called out desperately. "Take me with you!"

"Why?" Mephisto growled, showing his teeth. "So you can mock me some more?"

"No!" Rin protested, thinking hard. "…I'd also like to make some dog-jokes while I'm at it."

Mephisto snarled at him, eyes narrowing as a sinister plan came to mind. He trotted in front of Rin's cell and squatted down.

"Here's your _holy shit_."

"No! NOOOO!" Rin wailed as the smell began to assault his nostrils. "This is cruel and unusual punishment!" Wagging his tail with satisfaction, Mephisto turned and dashed out the hole. "No! Don't go! I'll feed you Kibbles n Bits! I'll…I'll…I'll toss your salad!"

Angel, who had suddenly walked in through the entrance, stopped in his tracks, eyes on Rin, who stared back.

"…Keep walking, sweetheart."

Angel scowled and stepped aside to let Pope Ernest through into the dungeon. Rin squinted at the elderly masked man as he drew near, smiling benignly.

"Why hello, Rin, I am-"

*_Squish_!*

Pope Ernest froze in place and stared down at the pile of poo on the floor in complete confusion, then looked up at Rin, who met his gaze with wide eyes.

"Swear to God it's not mine," he stated. "…I didn't eat corn."

As Pope Ernest lifted the shoe for Angel to clean with a tissue, he glanced at the opposite cell and noticed the disappearance of its former occupant.

"So, Mephisto escaped, huh?" He muttered to himself. "Oh, well. Not a big deal."

"Not a big _deal_?" Rin was appalled. "Are you kidding? He'll get glitter in _everything_!" He paused for a moment. "But then again Angel probably does that already."

"HEY." Angel glared venomously, then threw a fistful of glitter at the boy. "NOT TRUE."

"Hmm, yes," Pope Ernest smiled, chuckling. "You do indeed resemble Yuri."

"Who the piss are you?" Rin snapped, glowering at the man.

"Why, I'm your grandfather!" Ernest replied, sounding hurt.

"Oh, _please_!" Rin rolled his eyes. "Like I'd believe-"

"Here's a lollipop."

"You can't win me over with candy, you octogenarian invalid!" Rin barked aloud. "I'll _never_ let you touch my penis! NEVER!"

"…It's got a bubble-gum center."

"Bubble-gum? Hot _shit_!" Rin threw his arms up. "Molester away, you old fart!"

"I don't _want_ to molest you!" Pope Ernest protested.

"…What I'm not good enough for-"

"I want your help with something!"

"Why would I help-"

"Throw in another lollipop."

"_Bitchin'_!"

-Later, Again-

Suguro and the others, meanwhile, had tracked down Mr. Tsubaki and were busy torturing- I mean, politely questioning him for Rin's whereabouts.

"WHAT? Rin's been sentenced to be EXECUTED?" Suguro reeled back on his heels, eyes wide with shock.

"Yes," Mr. Tsubaki sighed and shook his head sadly. "I know this is hard for you-"

"And I'm gonna MISS it? This is a travesty!"

"Ignore him," Konekomaru urged, pushing past the enraged boy. He was wearing a subtle layer of mascara and blush. "Can you please tell us WHERE he'll be executed?" At a nudge from the girls he fluttered his eyelashes for emphasis.

"I've heard it'll take place at the very top of the True Cross Academy, at sunset," Mr. Tsubaki answered, then gazed at Konekomaru in awe. "…You have got the most _beautiful_ eyes-"

"Time to go!" Konekomaru whirled around and shot for the exit.

"Wait I didn't get your number!"

Needless to say, the Exwires quickly left for the Academy, Mr. Tsubaki following to retrieve said number and maybe get a hot date for Friday night. Sunset was falling by the time they arrived at the school, and a familiar figure stood baring their path through an arched entryway.

"None shall pass here alive," Angel intoned solemnly, a hand on the hilt of his blade. Then he noticed Konekomaru. "Except you because your eyes are _fantastic_-"

"I applied the makeup!" Izumo put in, waving a hand.

"Oh, alright you can go in too," Angel sighed, looking her up and down. "But you have GOT to get a new hairstyle."

"ExCUSE me?" Izumo hissed out, eyes narrowing dangerously.

At around the same time, Rin was being led out onto the expansive rooftop of the Academy, hands bound before him. Rows of grim-faced Exorcists watched as he walked to the center and was tied to a set of large cross-beams like a sacrificial lamb. Pope Ernest stood from his golden throne and approached, holding the Kurikara in one hand.

"Sooooo when do I get the second-" Rin began nonchalantly.

"Right after I open the Gate of Gehenna and doom your mortal soul to oblivion," Pope Ernest replied cheerfully, withdrawing the Kurikara.

"Oh, alright." Rin settled down to wait. "Hold on, WHAT-"

Pope Ernest began chanting aloud, the many Exorcists surrounding the rooftop joining in. Piles of the Blood-Sucker weapons ringed the edges and began to glow, Demon blood flowing free and forming a large pool of deep crimson.

"Oh blood of pitiful Demons! Show us the gates of Hell!" Pope Ernest cried, thrusting the Kurikara into the ground. Blue bolts of energy crackled across the pool of blood, hitting Rin as well, who howled in agony.

"_AUUUUUUUU_- you could have just asked nicely- _UUUUUUUGH_!"

Down below, Mr. Tsubaki was sent stumbling back by Angel, who sniffed with disdain and tossed his head.

"If you can't take the heat, get off the catwalk!" He hissed, following it up with a z-snap.

"Somebody SAVE him!" Konekomaru wailed.

"From WHAT?" Suguro growled.

"…The…humiliation?"

"HEY." Izumo stepped forward, hands on her hips. "Pick on someone your own SASS."

"Don't flatter yourself, sister!" Angel sneered, drawing his blade. "You're nowhere NEAR my level!" He leapt forward, sword swinging down, only to have it blocked by…

"Shura!" Izumo gasped. "What're you doing here?"

"Time for a good, old-fashioned bitch-fight!" Shura grinned, shoving Angel back a few steps. "With extra BITCH!"

"Shura!" Angel snarled in fury. "The only one who can rival me in _catitude_!" The two hissed at each other and immediately began scratching and pulling hair. The Exwires took this extremely stupid diversion to sneak past and up the stairs.

Rin was still screaming in pain, jolts of blue dancing along his twitching body.

"_AAAUUUUUUU_- that lolli will SO be worth it- _UUUUUUGH_!"

"What the hell's going on here?" Yukio suddenly appeared, looking aghast at his writhing brother and glaring at Pope Ernest. "What're you doing to Rin? And why wasn't I asked if I wanted to join in?"

"I am sacrificing him to open the Gehenna Gate," Pope Ernest replied, smiling evilly.

"You…you LIED to me!" Yukio cried as the realization dawned on him. "He won't get any smarter after this at all, will he?"

"Oh, he'll probably be even _dumber_ after this," Pope Ernest chortled, "if that's even _possible_."

"YOU MONSTER." Yukio drew his gun with a snarl and leveled it at his grandfather.

Several minutes later, the Exwires finally arrived atop the Academy, gasping for breath and wiping sweat from their brows. They froze in place, gasping at the horrible sight before them. Multitudes of Exorcists lay on the ruined ground, unmoving. An immense pool of blood shimmered in the center of the destruction.

"Hey I didn't know we had a pool up here-" Shima began, starting forward.

"NO." Suguro grabbed his arm and hauled him back.

"Yes! YESSS!" Pope Ernest rose from the shattered remains of his throne, throwing his arms up jubilantly. "The Gate has been opened! Satan himself has come!"

The Exwires slowly turned to look, feeling a sliver of terror run up their spines. Beyond the gleaming pool was a figure wreathed in blue flames…and figure with glasses…and…EVIL MOLES.

"Oh, God-DAMMIT," Suguro ground out, covering his face with his hands. "Not _another_ one."

-Episode 22 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: This one came out a little longer than normal, and the next few might as well because of all the shiz that's going down. Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long, I had a busy few weeks. Here's another episode, only two more to go! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 23

Truth

As you may remember from last episode, the Exwires had arrived at the top of True Cross Academy to find Yukio on fire, Rin passed out on the ground, and everything else gone to shit. Now, let's rewind a couple minutes to find out what the hell happened (pun intended). My guess? Justin Beiber fans.

-_Magical Rewind Button_!-

Atop the esteemed academy, rows of Exorcists continued to chant religious hymns, the Kurikara crackling with sinister blue energy as the blood from the piles of weapons pooled together, all while Rin thrashed in unbearable agony, screaming and coughing up blood as he died a horrible death.

"_AAAAUUUUU_- this is a _lovely_ service," Rin paused in his anguished cries to comment on the Exorcists' chanting. "Where can I buy a CD?- _UUUUUUGH_!"

Okay so maybe the death isn't _so_ bad. Nearby, Yukio stood behind the gloating Pope Ernest, pointing his gun at the smug man's head.

"_Why_?" He growled out through gritted teeth, finger on the trigger. "Why must you sacrifice Rin to create the Gehenna Gate?"

"After years of crucial research," Pope Ernest explained patiently, "and various consultations with realtors, I discovered that the best place to create a gate was here, atop True Cross Academy!"

"Well that seems rather…_convenient_-" Yukio cut in.

"However," Ernest went on, "we cannot make a gate with such low-level Demon blood. No, we have to spice it up, boil at six thousand degrees and add some salt and rosemary and a dash of Rin's own blood-"

"Uh, he kinda needs that to LIVE-"

"Don't worry, it's not _that_ bad!" Pope Ernest protested. "He only needs to lose five…GALLONS of blood for us to open the gate." Yukio frowned in consideration.

"…Do you give him animal crackers?"

"No."

"A smiley-face sticker afterward?"

"No."

"Not even a kiss on his boo-boo?"

"No."

"Well that's just _inhumane_!" Yukio snarled in outrage and leveled his gun at the man once again. "I won't allow it!"

"Alright, fine! You got me!" Pope Ernest threw his arms up in defeat. "We don't _really_ need him to make the gate! I just wanted to kill the little shit while I had the chance!"

"You're his grandfather!" Yukio barked. "How can you say-"

"I _stepped_ in his _poop_!"

"I am _steeped_ in his _pee_, if we're going to have this conversation," Yukio shot back. "…Are we? Having this conversation? Because believe me, I WILL WIN."

"Come now, see reason!" Pope Ernest wheedled, changing tactics. "It's better Rin be remembered as a hero who saved the world than a fool who nearly…_annoyed_ it to death!"

"I'd rather purge _all_ memory of him with mind-wiping drugs," Yukio replied flatly. "And another thing-"

"_AUUUUUUGH_!" Rin howled upon the cross-beams, nearly driven mad from the pain. He coughed up more blood, thrashing at his bonds. "_GUUUUUAAAAAAGH_!"

"You're just being-"

"_OOOOOUUUUGH_!"

"Why can't you just- Rin?" Yukio suddenly turned to address his brother, who paused in his verbal onslaught of suffering to politely listen. "Do you _mind_? Your anguished screams are interfering with me and Grandpa's conversation. I would _really_ appreciate it if you could _please_ keep it down."

"_AUUUUU_- Oh, sorry. I'll try to DIE a little quieter- _UUUUGH_!"

"Thanks. Now as I was saying-"

"FUCK YOU TWO!"

"Alright, enough of this!" Yukio raised his gun and growled at Pope Ernest, face serious. "Let Rin go NOW!"

"Oh, Yukio," Rin whimpered out, his face ragged and bloody. "You sweet, merciful-"

"I don't want to have to listen to him _whine_ anymore."

"…Mother-_fucker_."

"Hah! It's too late!" Pope Ernest chuckled evilly. "It's pointless to shoot me, boy. The plane carrying the Messiah warhead has already departed from the Dragoon Laboratory and is on its way. If the gate doesn't open, it'll hit the school instead. Tell me, how does that sou-"

*_BLAM_!*

"My leg!"

"Pretty good, actually," Yukio answered, his gun barrel smoking as Pope Ernest tumbled to the ground, clutching his injured leg. "I always thought the school could go for an extreme makeover, what with the pink glitter wallpaper everywhere, courtesy of Mephisto."

"_Ooooh_! The halls would look _great_ with some graphite tiles and white borders on the windows!" Rin put in excitedly, momentarily forgetting the pain as his mind wandered to other things.

"Actually I was thinking more ornamental rugs on the floor and maybe some light-blue trim," Yukio began to argue.

"God! You have _no_ talent for Feng Shui!"

"Shouldn't you be screaming?"

"Oh yeah right. _AUUUUUUGH_!"

"But…but what about your _friends_?" Pope Ernest cried desperately, still on the ground. "They'll all _die_!" Yukio paused at the thought, once again considering his options.

"My _life_ could use a makeover," he decided, pointing the gun at his grandfather and aiming squarely between the eyes. "Starting with YOU."

"I know _just_ the hairstyle for him, a cute bob with highlights and-"

"Rin, shut up. You're next."

"What? I'm fucking _perfection_!"

High above the rooftop, Mephisto watched the drama unfold perched atop a floating recliner, munching on popcorn with relish. Amaimon-hamster sat on his shoulder, nibbling on a kernel.

"Wow, shit's gettin' serious, huh, brother?" Amaimon-hamster squeaked, his eyes bright.

"Oh, it's about to hit the fan!" Mephisto agreed around a mouthful of popcorn. "Those two brothers are like the opposite sides of a coin, the-"

_Awk! AWWWWK_!

Suddenly a gang of seagulls swooped in, attacking Mephisto for his popcorn.

"Oh sweet Lucifer! Back, you fiends! _Back_!" Mephisto swatted at the birds with his umbrella, driving them off. "…Where did Amaimon go? He was just- OH DEAR GOD THEY GOT HIM. Hold on, I'm coming!" He leapt from his chair after the birds and immediately plummeted.

The crimson sun slowly sank below the horizon as Yukio gently removed Rin from the cross-beams, laying him onto the ground. Rin, exhausted from the torment, slept peacefully, sucking on his thumb. Yukio couldn't help but smile as he crouched next to his brother.

"Here you go, Rin." He leaned close and stuck a smiley-face sticker onto the slumbering boy's cheek. "You deserve it…_ow_!" As he smoothed down the sticker with a hand, he winced as the sharp edge gave him a nasty paper-cut. Immediately a shower of blood gushed free, dribbling to the floor in a crimson wave. "Oh God-DAMN my haemophelia is acting up again-" The stream of blood quickly made its way across the rooftop to join Rin's in the large pool of Demon blood at its center. As the two mixed together, the pool began to glow, the requirements for creating the Gehenna Gate completed.

"Oh, NOW you wanna talk about convenience?" Pope Ernest snorted. Yukio calmly shot him in the other leg.

"Alright what the hell is going-" he began to mutter, then broke off in a scream as blue flames suddenly engulfed him, similar fires breaking out amongst the chanting Exorcists. "Oh dear God I can SMELL my brain cells cooking!" Yukio wailed in despair. "I don't WANT to be like Rin! _NOOOOO_!"

Mass chaos erupted across the rooftop, Exorcists succumbing to the hungry flames and panicking as the pool of blood thrummed with evil power, pieces of the rooftop crumbling away.

"I see!" Pope Ernest gasped in revelation. "The power increases when the twins' blood is mixed together! Incredible! Hold on, lemme just write that down in my recipe book-" He began rummaging about in his pockets and pulled out a small book, in which he hurriedly jotted down some notes.

"…Recipe for _what_?" One Exorcist asked incredulously.

"Disaster?" Another answered.

"Oh snap GOOD ONE!" The two chortled and slapped high-fives. Then they promptly burst into flames as well.

"Oh thank GOD." Pope Ernest frowned. "…Or…Satan?"

The small group of Exwires, along with Mr. Tsubaki, appeared at the edge of the rooftop, finally bringing us back to where we left off. They froze and gaped in horror at the surrounding carnage, terror entering their hearts.

"…Well, we definitely know _Rin_ is here," Suguro finally spoke, surveying the damage.

"Bon!" Konekomaru chided. "That isn't very-"

"He's laying right over there." Suguro pointed to where Rin lay sleeping several feet away.

"…Oh." Konekomaru blinked. "Right."

"And we know he did it because he's a fucking ASSHOLE-"

"BON! We came here to _save_ him!"

"No. YOU did." Suguro stared at him blankly. "_I_ came for the show."

"Does it have naked women?" Shima asked hopefully.

"I will throw you off this roof if I have to," Suguro whispered, glaring at him.

"Sorry." Shima cowered back. "When I'm scared I get horny."

"That explains everything you have _ever_ done with Izumo." Suguro studied him for a moment, then noticed Yukio standing amidst the chaos, blue flames crackling about him. "Oh, God-DAMMIT. Not another one."

"Now I'll NEVER get those boots," Mr. Tsubaki lamented to himself.

"What? No way!" Shiemi cried in despair, tears coming to her eyes as she witnessed her beloved suffering. "Yukio told me he didn't _have_ any Demonic powers! Now I'll have to use protection when I rape- I mean…we make love. Consensually."

"And you people say I'M the scary one," Izumo muttered to herself. She turned and appraised the destruction with an expert eye. "I'd give him an 8.5. I had to dock points for creativity because burnt corpses are SO over-done."

"Badum-CHING!"

"Shima, shut the fuck up if you don't want to join them."

"Yes, almighty mistress."

"Izumo!" Konekomaru protested. "This isn't a killing contest!" She snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Not _yet_."

"…Oh GOD I so wanna BONE you!" Shima cried, unable to contain himself any longer. Izumo gave him a murderous look.

"Aaaand it's begun," she stated, taking a step toward him.

*_RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMBLE_!*

The entire building began to shake as the pool of blood congealed into a Gehenna Gate, hundreds of leering, evil faces rising from the dark liquid to laugh mockingly at their plight. Grotesque eyes joined the giggling heads, bloodshot and terrifying. Gilded edges ringed the gate, creating one huge circle in the center of the Academy's rooftop. The remaining Exorcists stared at the abomination in mute horror, realization suddenly dawning on them as they-

"BALL PIT!" Someone suddenly shrieked.

"Oooh, I'm jumping in first!" Another joined in.

"No, me, ME!" Pope Ernest roared, struggling to rise on his bloody legs. "_I_ made it, _I_ get to go in first!"

"NO!" Suguro barked, catching hold of Shima as he made a dash for the gate. Izumo raised a brow, clearly impressed.

"_9_.5," she corrected.

"_Will you cut that out_?" Konekomaru screamed at her. "The Gehenna Gate is open! This cannot POSSIBLY get ANY worse!"

A low whistling could be heard from high up above.

"…Yes. Yes it can," Konekomaru whimpered, hiding his face in his hands. "I am going to die a virgin."

"Yeah well maybe if you'd lower your standards-" Mr. Tsubaki began huffily, crossing his arms.

"NO MEANS NO!"

The Messiah dropped from its carrier, plummeting through the clouds like a fallen angel sent to punish the wicked. The enormous bomb hit the waiting Gehenna Gate dead-center and was immediately swallowed up in the sea of laughing heads and eyes. Arcs of light flared from within, blinding everyone with their brilliance.

"It's gonna blow!" Mr. Tsubaki gasped, pulling everyone back to safety.

Far below on the ground, Shura gasped at the light and paused in her battle against the effeminate Angel.

"What's that light?" She cried, shielding her eyes. "Angel, do you have any idea what that- are you working on your TAN?"

"I don't wanna be a pasty bitch like _you_," Angel shot back, having removed his shirt and holding up a metal sheet. "What's that shade, _corpse_-like?"

"Why you-!" And the two went back to fighting.

The Gehenna Gate shook from the enormous force of the bomb, the energy building up, light shooting out in dazzling rays as it reached its climax and-

*_Frrrrt!_*

Absolutely _nothing_ happened.

"…Excuse me," Shima said after a long, silent moment of confusion.

"That's it! You're going off the roof!" Suguro started toward him as he squealed in terror and tried to run.

Suddenly, with an angry howl, a swarm of lesser Demons burst free of the gate, surging upward and darkening the sky with their undulating mass. People screamed and fled from this new-found terror as what seemed to be the Apocalypse unfolded. Pope Ernest stared as the world unraveled around him, frozen in shock, then slowly reached for his recipe book and opened it.

"Mixing twins' blood…" he read aloud as he wrote, "…NO." He paused. "Oh THERE'S that muffin recipe I was looking for- _AUUUUUGH_!"

Suddenly the Gehenna Gate churned violently, snatching up the remaining Exorcists and Pope Ernest in its evil grasp. The Exwires retreated to a safe distance as Yukio staggered to his feet, still wrapped in blue flames.

"What's…going on?" He wondered aloud, staring about in confusion. "Why didn't the Messiah work? And is that shit-smell from the bomb or _me_-"

"Hah! That thing was a dud!" A sinister voice chuckled from inside his head. "I've had more eruptive bowel movements! Actually killed people with 'em, too!"

"It's…_you_…?" Yukio gasped in horror, mind reeling.

"Yes," the voice answered ominously, "it's me, Sa-"

"Stinky McSHIT-Pants?"

"Enough with that stupid name! That's it! You're in timeout, mister! Ten thousand years in the lava pits of Mount Doom for you!"

"What? That's not fair!" Yukio cried. "I hate you, dad! You never understand me! I wish I had never been the offspring of an unholy union resulting in an abomination of birth!"

"Your mom didn't die cuz of me, kid," Satan answered. "That Phantom of the Opera-wannabe lied to you. Here, I'll show ya!"

-_Flashbaaaaack_!-

A much-younger Shiro Fujimoto stomped his feet in the snow, sucking on a cig and struggling to keep warm. He stood in a snowy woodland, a humble cabin behind him as he waited impatiently. Several small gremlins and a snowman-Demon thing growled from the trees and glared at his presence.

"I'm freezing my _nards_ off, here," Fujimoto grumbled, shivering. "This show will now be known as Blue-Ball Exorcist."

"God-DAMN, keep your long-johns on!" An angry voice called. "I'm coming!"

Fujimoto snapped to attention as a young woman trudged through the snow towards him, arms filled with firewood. She had long, dark hair and- MOLE. …Okay, sorry, I- MOLEY MOLEY MOLES. Wow. Okay. She's got alotta moles. Reminds me of a certain someone…

"Yuri!" Fujimoto cried, stepping toward her. "There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you! Now, come on!" He grabbed her by the arm and began to haul her away. "We're going back to the Vatican! Your father, Pope Ernest, has ordered you to return!"

"No! I'm not going back! I'm staying here with my friends!" Yuri jerked away and crouched next to the small Demons, cuddling them lovingly. One of the gremlins began gnawing on her face. "Aww, see? He's so _understanding_."

"It's eating your face, woman!"

"That's how Demons show affection, you twat!"

"Yuri! Do you know what people are calling you?" Fujimoto ground out, glaring at the girl. She stared back at him blankly.

"…Hottie?"

"No."

"Mama-Sita?"

"No!"

"Ba-"

"NO!" Fujimoto exploded. "They're calling you the Witch of the Forest!"

"Oh." Yuri blinked. "…Am I a _pretty_ witch?"

"…Good GOD I hope if you ever have kids they don't get your brains." He paused. "OR your freakish amount of moles." Fujimoto sighed, at a loss. "You're supposed to be an Exorcist, Yuri. What are you thinking?"

"You. Naked."

"SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

"YOU COULD JUST SAY _NO_!" Yuri huffed angrily and stormed past Fujimoto into the small cabin, slamming the door shut behind her. After a moment, the door peeked open again. "Seriously though if you ever want a booty call-"

"GET YOUR TUBES TIED, BITCH!" Fujimoto roared, kicking the door closed.

-Earlier (Still in Flashback!)-

"This must stop!" A younger, more face-ful Pope Ernest sat at his desk at the Vatican, imploring Fujimoto, who sat before him. "We can't have anyone from my family associated with Demons! It'll ruin her reputation!"

"…Isn't her reputation beyond repair anyway?" Fujimoto quipped, raising an eyebrow. "She did say 'I'd tap that' to the image of Christ on the cross during her sermon-"

"Just…just get those Demons away from Yuri! Alright?" Pope Ernest's face darkened dangerously. "Use _any_ means necessary."

-Back to Present (of the Flashback Anyway)-

"Any means necessary…" Fujimoto mused, eyeing the gremlins and other Demons milling about the cabin. "Alright. So, you guys won't go? Fine. You leave me no choice…" He loomed over the cowering Demons, an evil gleam in his eyes. "_I'm afraid I'm going to have to_…" He slowly withdrew a large gun from his jacket. "…ask you to hold this for me while I call you a cab-"

"What're you _doing_?" Yuri shrieked in protest, dashing out of the cabin. "A _cab_? You monster! They're my friends! STOP!" As her anger mounted, she burst into blue flames, the heat hissing on the surrounding snow.

"What? Yuri?" Fujimoto choked in shock, stepping back. "Blue flames…don't tell me! Are those…?"

"…Well, people do say I'm FIERY-tempered."

"Oh GOD I hope your kids don't get your bad puns either." Fujimoto moaned and covered his face with his hands.

After some coaxing and a bucket of ice-water, Yuri was back to normal and led back inside the cabin. There, she rested in bed and began to relate her story as Fujimoto sat nearby, listening attentively.

"It all started…about a year ago…" she whispered, the scene dimming as a flashback-

Wait, what? _Seriously_? Is this possible? A flashback IN a flashback? Good Lord. This will now be known as Flashback-ception. Let's continue.

-Flashback-ception!-

"_I was sent to this land to investigate mysterious cases of human spontaneous combustion_," Yuri narrated. She and a small group of Exorcists could be seen trudging through the frozen woods, carrying packs and supplies. Suddenly there was a scream from the back as a man was suddenly engulfed in a ball of blue flames.

"Omigosh!" Yuri cried in horror, freezing in place. "Hold still! Let me take notes!" She hurriedly pulled out a small pad of paper and a pencil. "Quick, rate your _pain_ on a level of one to ten."

"AUUUUU- _ELEVEN_." The man stated, then fell over, dead.

"Eleven…anyone else?" Yuri looked up to find the others also aflame.

"I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up!" One declared, weakly lifting his hands.

"Four stars!" Another choked out.

"Uh huh…uh huh…" Yuri nodded, scribbling down more notes. "And what words would you use to describe your pain? 'Horrific', or…'excruciating'?" She looked up once again to find everyone already dead and laying in the snow. "Well if you guys aren't even going to HELP-"

Then she burst into blue flames, too.

"Oh! I've got it now!" Yuri gasped in realization. "Like child-birth for your SKIN." She paused, thinking. "Oh, that's a good one. I hope if I have a kid they use that one, too."

"Hey, baby," a malevolent voice cooed in her ear. "Can I get your number? Mine's 666."

"_AUUUUUGH_!"

"_But…somehow…I survived_…" Yuri's voice explained. Several hours later, Yuri slowly sat up in the snow with a dazed expression, having survived her brief possession. "_It seemed…I could tolerate those flames."_

"Umm…yeah…so…" Yuri coughed out awkwardly, glancing at the smoldering piles of ash around her. "I'll…call you? Look, I gotta GO…I got things to do…meeting someone for lunch…sooooo…you know." She paused for a moment, then leapt to her feet and dashed off into the trees. "Jesus _Christ_ that was awkward!"

"_So, I didn't return to the Vatican as ordered_," Yuri's voice went on. "_For some reason, despite the third-degree burns, incurable nightmares, and sudden lack of bladder function…I wanted to speak to those flames again_."

Yuri now stood beside a frozen lake, face-to-face with a flaming blue wolf possessed by Satan.

"What? You again?" The animal snarled dangerously, teeth flashing. "Listen, hon, it was a one-night stand, it didn't mean anything to-"

Yuri was gaping at the wolf in blank amazement.

"…What?"

"Do you realize that you don't even NEED a paper bag to prank people?" Yuri whispered out. "You could just _shit_ on their doorstep and you're good!"

"Lucifer's nipples I hope you don't breed, bitch."

"_We really hit it off_." Yuri chuckled. "_Well, I did most of the hitting on, anyway, he just played hard to get, what with the restraining orders and death threats. But I won him over in the end! I decided to show him the wonders of life, and allowed him to possess me to experience them_…"

Yuri ran through fields of flowers, laughing in delight. She, and Satan within her enjoyed the beauty of nature, hearing the soft babbling of brooks, the cool touch of the wind. They climbed trees, smelled flowers, and devoured babies- wait WHAT.

"_Ohmigosh it was like ONE time!" _Yuri protested in her narration. "_Sure hope my kids don't pick up his bad habits. Anyway, we were HAPPY."_

Yuri sat in the shade beneath a great tree, Satan speaking into her mind, asking her questions.

"What is…life?" He asked curiously. "What is…death?"

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain," Yuri began. "But I think I know a way you can better understand it." Then she started to sing. "From the day…we arrive on the planet…and blinking, step into the sun-"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING."

"There's more to see…than can ever be seen…more to do than can eveeer be done-"

"WHY ARE YOU SINGING STOP IT."

"But the sun rolling high, through the sapphire sky, keeps great and small on the endless roooound-"

"NO I'M SERIOUS STOP."

"It's the CIIIIIRCLE of LIIIIIIFE! And it MOVES us AAAAAALL-"

"OKAY ENOUGH BITCH I GET IT STOP FUCKING SINGING."

"Come on, join me with the chorus!" Yuri begged. "Through despaaaaair and hooooope-"

"NO JUST STOP!"

"_He still didn't really understand what life was all about, even after I sang the whole song!"_ Yuri sighed, wrapping up her narration. "_So I decided to let him try a…more hands-on demonstration_."

-Flashback-ception Over! Back to Normal Flashback!-

"You…" Fujimoto sat next to Yuri's bed, gaping at her in horror. "You didn't…"

"Oh, I did. Satan done knocked me up." She winked. "Sorry to have to break your heart."

"OH. MY. GOD." Fujimoto continued to stare at her, frozen in shock, mouth hanging open. "Can I be the godfather?"

"…What?"

"PLEASE, then I can do the accent. I'll talk to your asshole father, make him an offer he can't-"

"No, forget it!"

-Soon Afterward…(Still In the Flashback!)-

*_SLAM_!*

The Vatican dungeon guard closed the cell doors with a bang and stepped back, giving Fujimoto a dark look.

"Damn, Fujimoto!" The man snorted in disdain. "She's the Cardinal's daughter! Have some restraint!"

"I'd hit that too," the other guard pitched in, "but frankly, she scares me a little."

"Wait…what? You think that _I'm_ the one who…?" Fujimoto trailed off, the awful realization hitting him at last. "You think _I_ knocked Yuri up? No! It wasn't me, I swear! I couldn't have done it! I…I'm gay!" The guards stared at him incredulously. Fujimoto grabbed hold of the bars and plowed ahead. "It's true! I'm not lying! I'm a raging 'mo! And to prove it, I am willing to make out with one of you! Come on, hands up! Any takers?"

There was a long, awkward pause. Then the other guard slowly raised a hand, only to be smacked by the first guard.

"Enough, get back to your post!"

The second guard turned to leave, but not before throwing Fujimoto a wink and miming 'call me' with his hand.

"I swear! It's Satan's kid, not mine! You gotta believe me!" Fujimoto hollered after them, rattling at the cell bars. "I'm here and I'm queer!"

Elsewhere in the Vatican, Yuri sat with her father, Pope Ernest, in the medical ward, being examined by a doctor.

"_What_? Are you serious? She's pregnant with a Demon's child?" Pope Ernest gasped, his face paling with panic. "Quick! Operate on her! Scramble its little brains and-"

"Screw you, dad!" Yuri protested, pushing the doctor away. "This is MY body! I'm keeping it! Pro-life, all the way! Woo-hoo!" She paused for a moment. "Oh and by the way, can I have some money? I need to start stocking up on diapers."

"Oooh, and _booties_!" Pope Ernest squealed in excitement, clapping his hands. "I know where I can get the _cutest_ lil'- no, wait! Don't you try to change my mind, dammit!"

Finally, Yuri was taken before the esteemed Grigori in the grand courtroom her own sons would visit many years from now. She stood on the raised platform in the center, the three powerful Grigori glaring down at her from their lofty seats.

"Is it true you bear the child of a Demon?" One intoned dangerously.

"Yes." Yuri raised her head proudly, her voice strong. "Demons might scare us and play tricks on us, but that just shows how curious they are. I believe…I believe that humans and Demons can find a way to live together in peace!" She smiled with confidence, the Grigori shaken by her powerful words. "They're also _phenomenal_ in the sack.

"…Burn her!" The Grigori cried.

"What? It's true." Yuri shrugged. "He spread me out like peanut-butter on a _cracker_-"

"Enough! Get her out of here! Burn her!"

"Yuri was sentenced to be burned as a witch," Satan told Yukio, who was reeling at the sudden onslaught of memories. "So I searched desperately for a suitable vessel to rescue her with. But it was all in vain…no-one was strong enough to contain my essence." He paused. "Except Chuck Norris but even _I_ wouldn't fuck with that."

"So THAT was the cause of the Blue Night!" Yukio gasped aloud. "It was all a big misunderstanding! All those horribly painful and unnecessary deaths were because you were just trying to save mother!" He stopped, frowning in consternation. "Wait…how does that make it any…_better_?"

"Oh, it doesn't," Satan chuckled. "But it WAS fun. So anyway, I searched and searched until finally I found a vessel suitable to contain my enormous amount of _ass_-holiness. Pope Ernest!"

"And here we are again with the convenience thing-"

Pope Ernest, his face burned and scarred beyond all recognition, staggered up the large wood pyre to Yuri's side, cutting her free of her bonds with a knife.

"D…daddy?" Yuri asked uncertainly, rubbing at her wrists. "What are you…?"

"Run, Yuri! Quickly!" Satan said through the Pope. "Hold on gimme some sugar first-" He leaned forward to kiss her.

"Whoa WHOA _WHOA_!" Yuri shoved him back with a horrified expression. "Satan, baby, is that you?" She grimaced in disgust. "This is wrong on SO many levels."

"Come on, lemme give ya a squeeze-"

"I SAID NO!"

In the dungeons far below, Fujimoto dozed in his dank cell, unaware of the slaughter happening above. A soft knock on the bars snapped him awake, and he turned to glare at the newcomer in the dim light.

"Hey, handsome." Mephisto leaned against the bars, grinning flirtatiously. "I heard you bat for the other team now." Fujimoto stared at him in horror, eyes wide.

"Oh GOD I lied-"

"And here I was gonna let you out," Mephisto sighed, holding up an iron key.

"-about being straight," Fujimoto finished. "Batter up, baby!"

The two hustled out into the dimly-lit hallway as an Exorcist approached, pushing a stretcher. Pope Ernest lay upon it, his injured face covered with blood-soaked bandages.

"You two," he wheezed out, delirious from the pain, "I order you to…hunt down Yuri, who has fled…and kill her, along with her unborn children...GO!"

"I'm glad you finally decided to do something about that," Mephisto suddenly put in, gesturing at the man's ruined face.

"It was BURNED OFF-"

"Perhaps it's for the best."

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"

The two of them were quickly shoved down the hall and began to make their ascent, Mephisto pausing to throw a fancy katana into Fujimoto's arms.

"What's this?" He asked curiously, holding up the weapon in confusion.

"The Kurikara," Mephisto explained as they jogged along. "A Demon sword with the power of the Holy Unmovable."

"…Soooo why are you giving it to _me_-"

"Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't match my shoes."

"Ah."

The unlikely pair departed from the Vatican, rushing through the snowy woodlands in search of Yuri and her unholy brethren. Their trek was long, relentless, and purposeful. Five minutes in they stopped for a quick snow-ball fight.

"Wait." Fujimoto paused, a snowball in hand and poised to throw. "What were we doing again?"

"Well I was kicking your ass with my awesome SNOW FORT-" Mephisto began, on his knees before a large wall of snow.

"No! Something else! Something…_important_."

"…Making snowmen?"

"Oh yeah!"

After a prod in the right direction from the author (SERIOUSLY GET BACK TO WORK ASSHOLES), the pair got back to business and continued their search. Their tireless hunt finally came to an end as they found a suspicious-looking cave hidden in the side of a hill. They cautiously entered, creeping into the darkness to find-

A huge mama grizzly.

"…Wow, Yuri really _packed_ on the pounds, huh?" Mephisto stated, staring up at the huge snarling beast. "And the hair. Dear God, honey, I know it's winter, but you should still shave them legs. Heaven knows _I_ do-"

"That's not Yuri! We're in the wrong cave, dumbass!" Fujimoto barked at him. "That's a friggin' grizzly!"

"Honest mistake." Mephisto shrugged. "So where the hell is Yuri?"

"Oh, you want the girl and her horrible abomination of children?" The enormous bear asked sweetly. Fujimoto and Mephisto stared at the animal for a long moment, then slowly nodded. "They're just one cave over!"

"…Ooo…_kaaay_." Fujimoto frowned in confusion, blinking rapidly. "Um… thanks?"

"_ROOOOOAR_!"

"Gaaah! Please don't eat our kidneys!" The two dashed out and quickly located the correct cave. Inside, they found Yuri laying peacefully on the ground, two small infants clutched to her chest. One burned with blue flames while the other's face was hideously transfigured- oh wait. That's just Yukio and his moles. Nevermind that's normal. The scene was powerfully emotional, filled with the beauty of life brought into this world and the miracle of birth-

"…My vagina…will NEVER be the same…" Yuri whispered out, holding the children close. "…And I got these two assholes to thank for it."

"Glad to know you're still with us, Yuri," Fujimoto sighed in relief.

"These are my kids. Ain't they cute?" Yuri smiled lovingly down at their sweet slumbering faces. "They will prove that Demons and humans can understand each other. The will…live strong." She paused, studying them. "Especially the one on fire. I've got a feeling that he'll take after me and be _totally fucking awesome_."

"…Actually, I think they'll both just become two huge pains-in-the-_ass_," Fujimoto snorted. "_Especially_ the one on fire."

"His name is Rin. The other is Yukio." Yuri sank back, her strength fading quickly. "Sh…Shiro…"

"Yes?" Fujimoto crouched beside her.

"Just…remember…"

"YES?" Fujimoto leaned closer, straining to hear.

"_You…could…have…had…this_." Then she went limp, her eyes slipping closed.

"Yuri? YURI? _Noooooooooo_!" Fujimoto fell to his knees, tears stinging his eyes at the loss of-

"Can I have her shoes?" Mephisto asked suddenly.

"MEPHISTO!" Fujimoto snapped at him, struggling to contain his anger. "Too soon!"

"Oh, right." Mephisto paused for a moment. "…Can I have them now?"

"NO!"

"Stingy…" Mephisto sighed and turned his gaze to the two small infants who slumbered on, unaware of their mother's departure. "What should we do with them? We were ordered to kill them as well." He paused, thinking for a moment. "We could give them to Angelina Jolie-"

"NO." Fujimoto reached out, gently picking the pair up. "I…_I'll_ do it. _I'll_ raise them…like humans!"

"Perfect!" Mephisto clapped his hands together happily. "That's a fate even _worse_ than death! Our job here is done!"

"What?" Fujimoto sputtered in outrage. "You don't think I can do it?"

"_Please_. I bet you five bucks you won't even last fifteen minutes."

"Bullshit! I bet I can do it for fifteen YEARS!"

"Ha! You're on!" Mephisto grinned. "I'll even help you out!" With a snap of his fingers, Rin's flames were doused, sealed away inside the Kurikara.

"You don't know a damn thing! I'll be a great father!" Fujimoto growled, then paused, frowning down at the pair. "Now…which one was Rin again?"

*_Frrrrt_.*

"Okay _definitely_ that one."

-Flashback (FINALLY) Over!-

"You see?" Satan chortled as Yukio shook his head, the visions finally dispersing. "That's the truth! Still think I'm lying? Go ahead and ask your gramps!"

"Fine, I will!" Yukio snapped, turning on his heel and storming over to where Pope Ernest was playing in the Gehenna Gate. From the edge, he grabbed hold of the old man and hauled him close, shaking him and shouting in his face…er…_mask_. "Tell me right now! Did you order mother to be killed? Yes, or no?"

Pope Ernest gaped back, the guilt, despite the mask, written over his face like graffiti.

"…Is there a MAYBE option?" He asked uneasily.

"You…" Yukio shook his head in disbelief, shoulders sagging. "She was your _daughter_! How could you DO that to her?"

"She had babies. With SATAN. The DEVIL." Pope Ernest stared at his flatly. "You really can't do much worse than that."

"Then I just have one thing left to say," Yukio hissed, pulling the man close and whispering in his ear. _"You're not in a ball pit_."

Pope Ernest slowly dropped his gaze, the dozens of leering heads swarming around him giggling and pressing close.

"_AAAAAUUUUUGH_!"

As the cruel man was torn away from his grip, Yukio shuddered, the blue flames roaring hungrily. He screamed and clutched his head as Satan took hold, gaining full control of his body.

"Yes! My own blood runs through your veins!" Satan laughed, throwing his arms wide. "Now I have the perfect vessel!" Then he caught sight of his face in a pool of blood. "Oh dear HELLFIRE what is _wrong_ with my face?" He paused. "And why does it feel like I'm wearing _tights_?" He shrugged. "Okay, first a couple mole-removal appointments and a quick change of wardrobe, THEN I'll have the perfect vessel! _MWAHAHAHAHAHA_!"

The Exwires all cowered in the shadows, eyes wide with horror as they watched what was formerly Yukio cackle with cruel intent. Where he lay on the ground, Rin's eyelid twitched, and he slowly sat up, yawning.

"Hmmm, that was a good nap. What's going on, guys? What'd I- OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED HERE?" He gaped around at the surrounding destruction, then caught sight of his brother wreathed in flames and laughing maniacally. "…Yukio? What's wrong with him? Guys? That's not fair! Don't leave me out of this! Tell ME the joke too! Was it the interrupting cow one? I _love_ that one!"

"Rin, that's not-" Suguro began.

"MOOO!"

"GODAMMIT, RIN!"

-Episode 23 E- _MOO_!

…Holy shit, Rin. I seriously hope you die in the next episode.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: Only two more! Woo-hoo! Review, please!


	24. Chapter 24

Author's Note: Second to last one! I can't believe I'm almost done! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 24

Satan's Offspring

Mad laughter filled the night air as Yukio, possessed by Satan, bent over and cackled to himself, awash with blue flames and evil energy. The bubbling Gehenna Gate's sinister heads joined in, giggling creepily as more and more lesser Demons poured free from the Demonic realm. The Exwires huddled off to the side in fear, Rin struggling to pull away from them as he reached out for his brother, desperate to help-

"Okay, you _gotta_ tell me the joke, Yukio! Don't be an asshole and keep it to yourself! Seriously, it's driving me NUTS-"

…So maybe he's not that concerned. Well. Mephisto, covered in spatterings of bird poo, and his hamster of a brother continued to watch the horrifically stupid events unfold from high above in his floating recliner.

"Aaaaand the shit has hit," Mephisto grinned evilly, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction. "Seems we'll get to witness a tragedy of the highest grade!" He paused for effect. "_A+_!"

"…I see bad puns run in the family," Amaimon muttered to himself.

"Do you wanna go back to the birds?" Mephisto asked dangerously, glaring down at him. "Because I've got a strong right arm and a _mean_ curveball." Amaimon stared up at him, dark eyes glistening as his whiskers twitched.

"…You should probably get that checked out-"

Mephisto snatched the tiny hamster up and whipped him through the air.

"_Steeee_-rike!"

At the bottom of the trembling tower, Shura continued her duel-of-sorts with Angel, stopping to frown at the explosion of strange lights and sounds from the top, along with clouds of Coal Tar.

"What is going ON up there?" She wondered to herself. "A Justin Bieber concert? I can think of nothing more _horrible_." She bolted for the Academy's entrance, but once again Angel was there, blocking the way with sword drawn.

"You're NOT on the list," he stated in a stern voice, weapon raised

"Check again!" Shura barked.

"Well alright." Angel held up his hand and began reading an imaginary list. "Hmm, let's see, 'Cow Tits', 'Cow Tits'…nope, sorry! Not there!" He smiled sweetly at Shura. "There _was_ an 'Ugly Skank-Bitch' and 'Granny-Tranny' on there, could either of those be you?"

"More like YOU!" Shura shot back in frustration. "God, what is _with_ you?! Why won't you let me pass?!"

"I have my orders," Angel harrumphed, tossing his hair.

"Do you also have orders to be an uptight prick about everything?!"

"…Why…yes. Yes I do." Angel blinked in astonishment. "How did you know?"

"It _really_ wasn't all that hard to figure out." Shura sighed and jabbed a finger at the top of the tower. "Look at what's happening up there! Does that look _normal_ to you?!"

"…Well, it IS Mephisto's Academy," Angel said with a shrug. "So…you know."

"Yeah it probably IS Justin Bieber up there," Shura agreed, shuddering. "But either way, we should do something! Come on, let me past and I'll let you borrow a pair of my hooker heels, no wait you probably have your own pair-"

Angel, meanwhile, wasn't listening, and with the lack of anything male to ogle, resorted to flashing-back in time to the last male presence he encountered…

-Quick Flashback!-

"Pope Ernest! Are you _mad_?!" Angel was storming along one of the Vatican's many extravagant hallways after the evil Pope, who walked before him. "Do you truly intend to destroy Gehenna itself?!"

"Hmm?" Pope Ernest stopped walking to glance back at the girly man. "I'm surprised, I thought you'd be down with mass genocide. Perhaps you're more compassionate than I first thought-"

"Think of all the Demon FASHION I'll be missing out on!" Angel cried in outrage. "Demon-hide boots, spiked bracelets, _leggings_ even! It's _criminal_!"

Pope Ernest stared at him blankly, pursing his lips beneath his white mask.

"I'll buy you a pair of shoes."

"How dare you! You can't buy ME with-"

"Two pairs."

"SOLD!" Angel sang, throwing his arms in the air. "Let's kill 'em all!"

-Flashback Over!-

"Five-hundred dollar _GUCCI_!" Angel squealed with delight, snapping back to the present. He blinked and looked around in confusion. "Sorry zoned out for a second there." Then he noticed Shura. "…Why is your top up?"

"I was _trying_ to get your attention," she snarled back.

"Well pack 'em away, toots, I'm not buying." As Shura muttered angrily and adjusted her barely-there clothing, Angel threw his head back and puffed his chest out dramatically. "I am a Knight of the Vatican. Even if the world was to fall apart, my soul is still with the Order of the True Cross!"

"…Even if they prohibit gay marriage?"

"They _WHAT_?!"

"Aww, there goes you and Mephisto's _dream_," Shura drawled with a sad face.

"Hey! Mephisto would be the _last_ man I'd marry!" Angel snapped. "_Riiight_ after YOU."

"Yeah, well…you're ugly!" Shura dashed past Angel, finally reaching the entrance to the Academy and pausing at the stairs. "…Well that was easy."

"Like your MOTHER!" Angel called after her.

"Well at least she could get _married_!" Shura shot back over her shoulder, then hustled up the stairs as Angel dissolved into tears.

Back up top, Yukio's writhing flames had coalesced into a pair of flickering blue wings. Rin approached his brother uneasily, still not entirely grasping the disastrous situation.

"What's going on? Why do you have blue flames, Yukio?!" Rin stopped and clenched a fist. "I thought this was MY anime about ME! This isn't fair! I don't wanna have to SHARE!" He stepped close. "Now, about that joke I missed-"

"Shut UP, brat!" Yukio whirled toward the boy and slugged him in the stomach.

"_Oof_!" Rin bent over, clutching his stomach in pain. "…That isn't very funny." He paused. "Unless that was the punchline, then it's motherfucking HILARIOUS."

"I'll show you hilarious!" Yukio snapped. "The look on your face when I kill you."

"Wait a sec…that _voice_. It's you…Stinky McShit-Pants!" Rin gasped in shock, finally realizing his brother was possessed by their very own father. "You bastard! Get OUTTA my brother!" He halted, frowning. "Oh ew. That…didn't sound right. Here, lemme try again-"

"Okay, you two REALLY need to stop with the name-calling," Satan growled out. "It hurts my _feelings_."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Rin apologized with sincerity. "Would you rather I call you Pukey McFart-Face?"

"Alright that's it, kid." Yukio's face twisted darkly. "I'm wearing your friends' guts as jewelry, and their faces as a scarf."

"Wow, you _really_ need help on your act, you're not funny at all." Rin frowned. "Your fashion sense is shit, too."

"FINE! You wanna hear a joke? Alright!" Satan grinned and spread his arms wide. "What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. What's the difference between a dead baby and a Mars Bar? About 500 calories. How many dead babies-"

"…Is that _really_ Satan?" Suguro asked aloud, standing aside with the others. "Why do I feel so disappointed?"

"It's okay, we all do." Rin said, patting his back and seizing the moment to do the same to his butt.

"Well at least now we know where you get it from," Suguro snarled, shoving the boy away.

"Yeah- HEY!" Rin scowled, then turned back to his father-brother. "But anyway, why're you possessing Yukio?!"

"You are both made of my flesh and blood," Satan explained patiently, "and therefore make perfect vessels for me. I've been waiting all this time for you two to grow up so I could finally-"

"No I mean why YUKIO. What's wrong with _me_?"

"God, what _isn't_?" Suguro muttered from the back. Rin ignored him and crossed his arms, expression hurt.

"What, am I not good enough to be possessed and used as a puppet to slaughter all of mankind?"

"You're an idiot," Satan sighed.

"Oh please like that's a legitimate reason-"

"He's got a nicer butt."

"_Objection_! That is NOT true! Guys? Tell him it's not true! _GUYS_?!" Rin turned and pleaded with the others, who all looked away, avoiding his gaze. "NO! It isn't _TRUE_!" Rin rounded on Satan and rushed toward him in anger, but was easily swatted away.

"Rin!" Shiemi hurriedly whispered to Ni-chan, who grunted and made a fluffy white cloud from its ass just in time to catch Rin as he fell back.

"Ow!" Rin cried, sitting up in the soft cloud. "Hey, cotton-candy!"

"No that isn't-"

"This cotton-candy tastes like ASS," Rin stated, his mouth full. Shiemi made a face.

"That's because it is."

"Well that explains it."

"I've been dreaming these past 15 years…" Satan chuckled to himself, staring up at the darkened sky. "Dreaming of a perfect world, one created by uniting Assiah and Gehenna-"

"Will you call it _Gassiah_?!" Rin gasped excitedly. "See it's perfect because you've got the 'Gas' part for farts and the 'Ass'-"

"It shall be called _Disneyworld_," Satan cut him off. "I have a perfect vessel, and those idiots went to all that trouble to make me a huge Gehenna Gate. But I can't risk you breaking it again, so I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to DIE." He raised one of Yukio's pistols and pressed it to Rin's forehead. Rin stared at it cross-eyed for a long moment before answering.

"I _politely_ decline."

"You have no say in the matter."

"Oh okay then FUCK YOU."

Satan grinned and began to squeeze the trigger.

"WAIT!" Everyone froze as Suguro stepped forward, eyes on Satan. "Fight ME before shooting him!" Rin gaped at him, overcome with emotion.

"B…Bonnie, you don't have to do this for me," he sniffled. "I appreciate you trying to rescue me-"

"We wanna save the best for last, right?"

There was a long, drawn-out pause before Rin spoke again.

"…I'd still fuck you."

"All of you, just SHUT UP!" Satan roared in fury, glaring daggers at Suguro. Immediately Mr. Tsubaki burst into blue flames, wailing and flinging his arms about.

"Oh GOD not the hair!" He cried, falling to the ground and rolling. "My clothes! Quick, _save my clothes_!"

"Wow my aim was off," Satan said, blinking.

"It's like me and peeing!" Rin piped up. "Like father, like son!"

Izumo was quick to act, summoning her Gods of the Harvest with a word before launching into a minute-long chant, updating her Facebook status and saving 15% or more with Geico before FINALLY creating a bowl of water which tipped over Mr. Tsubaki and doused the flames.

"…Good LORD that took forever!" Suguro said angrily. "You have a bottle of water, why didn't you just use that?!"

"…Because it was SO much cooler this way," Izumo snorted, tossing her hair.

"He has third-degree BURNS!"

"He'll recover."

"You know you could have just PISSED right on him, right?" Rin added, his arm in the air. "Oh but wait you're a girl you couldn't AIM-"

Izumo tossed a piece of rubble at him.

"Come on!" Shima and Konekomaru jumped in front of the others, hurriedly erecting a small barrier with a quick chant. "Run, guys! We'll cover you!"

"I mean that _literally_, Izumo!" Shima added with a wink.

"I'll let that one slide, but only because the world's ending!" Izumo snapped, she and Shiemi helping Mr. Tsubaki to his feet.

"No! It's my dream to defeat Satan! I can't run now!" Suguro stood firm, clutching his staff in one hand. He raised and hurled the weapon at the monster with pinpoint accuracy.

Satan effortlessly caught the staff and bent it into the shape of a puppy dog.

"…It's my OTHER dream to not have to eat through a straw for the rest of my life. Let's go!" He whirled to join the others, but it was too late. With a wave of his arm, Satan sent out an unholy blast of energy that knocked them all to the ground.

"_Guys_!" Rin gasped in horror, watching his friends twitch and moan in pain.

"I'll burn you little shits to ashes together!" Satan snarled, raising a hand and creating a condensed ball of flame. "Then I'll piss on the ashes, make a sand-castle, and KNOCK IT THE FUCK DOWN!"

"…Well that was _elaborate_-" Rin began.

"Catch!" Satan tossed the flaming ball toward the unconscious group of people. It hissed through the air as it sped toward them, blazing with killing intent.

"STOP!" Rin screamed. "Guys get UP! Do you want to win or not?!" He rushed toward them, but it was painfully obvious he would never make it on time. In several seconds, they would all be-

*_BOOM_!*

With a flash of light, the flames scattered, Shura standing before the prone group, sword in hand. She grinned cockily and winked.

"Look everyone, it's Tits McGee!" Mr. Tsubaki cried happily from where he lay on the ground. "See, it's alright when _I_ do it-"

"You're no fun!" Rin pouted, crossing his arms.

"Shiemi!" Shura snapped over her shoulder at the girl. "Take the wounded and flee!" She paused. "And for God sakes do something about that HAIR."

"What is WITH you people and my HAIR?!" Shiemi wailed.

"It's gross! Get it fixed!"

Ni-Chan rolled its eyes and grunted again, creating large dandelion puffs which gently scooped up the injured Exwires and began floating skyward.

"Candy?" Rin began hopefully.

"NO." Shiemi grabbed onto another puff as everyone was lifted to safety.

"Whaddaya want, Pamela?" Satan snarked, glaring at Shura.

"Simple." She leveled her sword at him, eyes narrowed dangerously. "I want my _tights_ back."

"Ah." Satan glanced down at Yukio's legs and raised an eyebrow. "Well, _that_ explains it. Can't I keep them? I kinda like how they perfectly cup my balls and ventilate my crotchular region-"

Roaring, Shura charged forward, swinging her sword. Satan easily dodged away before snatching her up and striking a killing blow. His triumphant expression quickly melted into one of confusion as Shura's body burst into a multitude of snakes and slithered away.

"…I am _pretty_ sure humans don't do that when they die." He turned to find everyone had managed to escape while he'd been distracted. "Oh, Godammit! They didn't even say goodbye. How _rude_!"

-Later-

The Exwires all hid in the darkened dorm, crowded into one of the many empty rooms. Through the windows, flashes of light from the distant Academy rooftop could be seen, and deep rumblings shook the building. Shiemi moved amongst the students, treating their various injuries while Shura crouched off to the side with Rin.

"_What_?" Shura gasped in surprise. "Satan wants to merge Gehenna and Assiah into one world? That's _crazy_-"

"Awww, we're missing the fireworks!" Rin complained as another flash of light illuminated the night sky outside.

"Is he seriously the hero?" Suguro asked, leaning against the wall. "_Seriously_?"

"Rin. No. Focus." Shura snapped her fingers to get his attention again. "Satan probably won't move from the Gehenna Gate, since he needs it for his plan." She frowned, thinking hard. "Also because he has a _fantastic_ view from up there-"

"So how do we beat him?" Rin interrupted impatiently. Shura nodded.

"First, we destroy the Gehenna Gate and stop the Demon's invasion."

"And then we go for ice-cream?" Shima put in hopefully.

"_Oooh_! I want sprinkles on mine!" Konekomaru called, waving a hand in the air.

"What about Yukio?" Rin cut in again.

"Yeah, what do you think he'd want on his ice-cream?"

"SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING ICE-CREAM!" Rin roared. " What I mean is, how do we SAVE him?" He paused. "He'd want a cherry, _obviously_."

"Rin. Listen to me." Shura's expression was solemn as she placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. "There is no way to save someone possessed by Satan. It's _impossible_." Rin blinked.

"But what about mom. And Pope Ernest. And dad."

Shura stared back at him blankly.

"…I mean _besides_ them. Now, the most important thing to remember is learning to LET GO-"

"Screw this Twelve-Step bullshit!" Rin cried, snatching up his sword and leaping to his feet. "I'm gonna go save Yukio myself!"

"Rin, wait!" Shura called after him, following him out the door. "Denial is one of the steps! Accept the things you cannot _change_, you little asshole!"

"H-hey! Wait for us!" Suguro attempted to rise, but fell back, wincing in pain.

"There's nothing we can do," Izumo whispered from where she stood staring gloomily out the window, watching the destruction unfold. "We'd just get in the way. After all, we're all just…_minor characters_!"

*_GASP_!*

Everyone recoiled in shock, gaping at her with wide eyes and hurt expressions.

"Take…that…_back_!" Suguro hissed out.

"She…she's right," Mr. Tsubaki groaned, laying on the floor. His clothing, while suffering third-degree burns, was expected to make a full recovery, but his hair, sadly, was too far gone. "About you guys, not me. I'm fabulous. But anyway. Here." He weakly reached into his jacket and withdrew a large iron ring bristling with hundreds of keys. "There are many people in this city…who need your help."

"Mr. Tsubaki…" Suguro knelt beside the man, reaching out a hand.

"Here are the keys to their _bedrooms_-"

"Oh dear God."

Out in the hallway, Shura continued to pursue Rin, who ignored her plaintive calls as he marched toward the exit, filled with determination and stupidity. Mostly stupidity.

"Rin, these books are really good. You can learn a lot from them!" Shura was saying, flipping through a Twelve-Step book as she walked. "Here's a chapter about loss. Wait, Rin! Stop! I mean it!" Rin continued ignoring her. "…Look, Rin, boobies! I'm running…in _slow motion_!" Still nothing. "Oh not you too, Godammit!"

Shura had to settle with doing a full-body tackle to stop the boy, finally pulling him aside.

"Listen, if we're gonna do this, we need a plan. Okay?" Rin nodded, listening eagerly. "Okay. One of us will be the designated decoy and distract Satan away from the prime target while the other does reconnaissance and sneaks around to the-"

"WHUT."

Shura let out a sigh.

"Me fight Satan. You break Gate."

"Roger!" Rin saluted and managed to smack himself between the eyes. "Ow!"

"…This is gonna take a miracle," Shura groaned, rubbing her temples.

At the same time, a figure was creeping in the shadows, listening in on the conversation. Someone with a familiarly _awful_ haircut-

"Not you too!" Shiemi growled, then ducked back into the shadows. "I mean…don't tell on me! _Shh_!"

-Elsewhere-

Chaos consumed the city, citizens fleeing through the streets, screaming in fear as Demons chased them down. Fires burned everywhere, thick columns of smoke drifting into the night sky. Amidst the echoing explosions and the cries of suffering, Satan watched it all happily from atop the True Cross Academy. He couldn't help but remember a time with Yuri, many years ago…

-Another Quick Flashback!-

Yuri lay across a small wooden bridge, smiling down at the glittering brook below. Satan was along for the ride, possessing and listening to her as she spoke in a soft voice.

"Wouldn't it be great…if there was no Gehenna or Assiah, just a world where Demons and humans could like together as one?" She stopped, giggling. "Wow I sure hope you never horribly misinterpret my words and wreak havoc on the world of man in the name of my silly idea!"

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it," Satan replied while making a mental note.

"Still…it's a good idea, huh?" Yuri smiled lazily and dipped a hand into the small stream. "Just close your eyes…and imagine OH SHIT THIS WATER IS WARM I THINK I PEED A LITTLE."

-Quick Flashback _Oveeeer_!-

Satan came back to himself with a shudder, frowning in disgust as the vision faded.

"…Not one of my better memories," he muttered quietly. "But it's almost here, Yuri…that world we dreamed of…"

"You mean the world of PAIN?" The door to the Academy rooftop was suddenly booted open and Shura stormed out, grinning mockingly at Satan. "Allright, time to distract you!"

"Oooh, you gonna do a pole dance? Sweet!" Satan sat down eagerly on a pile of rubble. "Now can I touch you or is that against the rules?"

"No, asshole! I wanna _fight_!" Shura lifted her sword and waved it around for emphasis.

"You sure? I got a lot of singles." Satan pulled out the wallet from his back pocket and began rifling through it. "I mean, _Yukio_ does. I'm sure he won't mind."

"…How many we talking- I mean NO!"

-Elsewhere in the City…-

A small group of girls cowered in their dorm room, fighting back tears and trembling in fear. Paku sat amongst them, gently comforting the girls as the ground shook and horrible screams could be heard from outside.

"What's going on?" One girl whimpered. "Are we going to die?"

"Where did all those Demons come from?" Another sobbed.

"God is punishing me for all the wild sex I'm having!" A girl wailed.

"Don't worry, we'll all going to be- wait what was that last one?" Paku broke off in a confused frown, then shook her head. "It's fine! Don't worry, I'm sure someone will come help-"

*_CRASH_!*

The windows exploded inwards, Demons pouring in through the broken panes, glass flying everywhere.

"Okay nevermind we're effed like hookers. Start screaming and pray it's over quick!" Paku shoved past the other girls to reach the door.

"Obey me!" The two Gods of the Harvest suddenly appeared, fighting back the Demons with snarls and protecting the group of girls. Suguro appeared in the doorway, chanting hymns, and the girls quickly rushed out into the safety of the hallway.

"Izumo!" Paku gasped in delight, throwing her arms around her friend. "I would SO be your girlfriend."

"Save it for a fanfics! Let's GO!" Izumo pulled the last of the girls through and slammed the door closed. Immediately everyone found themselves in the True Cross Japanese Headquarters. Several Exorcists milled about the central area with numerous citizens who had come seeking shelter. Izumo led the girls away as Suguro, Shima, and Konekomaru sat down to catch their breath. Suguro studied the crowd and frowned in concern.

"What's wrong, Bon?" Konekomaru asked lightly.

"You guys seen Shiemi lately?" Suguro continued to study the crowd, frown deepening.

"Hold on lemme check." Shima closed his eyes and gave a soft grunt. "Nope, my stalker senses are drawing a blank. Why?"

"…I've got a _bad_ feeling about this…" Bon growled out.

"…Was it something you ate?" Konekomaru asked after a moment. "I have some Pepto."

"Just…forget it, Konekomaru."

-Back Outside!-

Rin clambered up to the Academy rooftop, quietly humming the theme song to Mission Impossible as he climbed. Finally reaching the top, he hauled himself over the edge and crouched in the shadows, eyes narrowed.

"Gimme them damn _codes_," he whispered out fiercely, then rolled into a broken wall. "Damn…terrorists…" He paused, peeking over the edge of a pile of rubble, and caught sight of Shura battling Satan next to the churning Gehenna Gate.

Mephisto also watched the battle ensue from his lofty perch, sipping a cup of tea because he's awesome like that.

"That chick's doing well against father," Amaimon commented from his shoulder.

"Yes," Mephisto agreed. "For a human, she's quite a formidable opponent."

"Eh, I'd rate her a D." Amaimon paused. "DOUBLE-D."

"That is NOT fair I was JUST gonna say that!" Mephisto shouted irritably, slamming his cup down onto the saucer. Below, Shura suddenly stumbled mid-step and barely managed to dodge Satan's next blow. She scrambled backward, leaning on one knee and panting for air.

"…Okay, I'll do the pole-dance now!" She cried breathlessly.

"Too late, bitch!" Satan snarled, hurling a ball of flame at her.

"Not the eyebrows!" Rin gasped from his hiding place, wincing in sympathy. "That's a low blow! Crap! She's losing! What should I-"

"STOP IT!"

Rin froze at the voice and slowly turned to head to see Shiemi standing on the rooftop, fists clenched in determination, face grim.

"OH. GOD. DAMN. IT." Rin ground out.

"Stop it!" Shiemi repeated, taking a step toward Satan. "Leave Yukio alone!"

"Ha!" Satan threw his head back and laughed, gesturing to his host body. "You one of his bitches, hun?"

"He's my rape victim- I mean…he's _very_ important to me!" Shiemi explained, mastering her fear and glaring back at him. "And you possessing his rockin' bod _really_ throws a wrench in my plan to seduce him and keep him as my sex-slave for the rest of his natural life."

"…_Damn_, bitch," Satan gaped at her in surprise, "you sure you shouldn't be on MY side?"

"SO," Shiemi pressed on, "I would really, _really_ appreciate it if you would _please_ let Yukio go so I could ravish him thoroughly." She finished with a decisive nod and smiled, waiting. Satan pursed his lips and cocked his head in consideration.

"_Weeeellll_…since you asked so _nicely_," he began.

"Ohmigosh REALLY?"

"No." Satan snapped out a hand and seized Shiemi by the throat, lifting her off her feet. She gurgled in pain, feet kicking uselessly.

"But…I said…the magic WORD," Shiemi choked out, struggling to breathe.

"Uh, I'm SATAN," he answered plainly. "'Please' ain't gonna cut it." He paused. "Now if you had said '_pretty_ please', we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"STOP, TERRORIST!" Rin could no longer hold himself back and rushed out to confront his father-brother, clutching the Kurikara in one hand.

"There you are!" Satan grinned maliciously, dropping Shiemi to the ground and turning to face his son. "I've just been…_killing time_!"

"Don't you DARE use puns like you're a part of this family!" Rin cried in disgust.

"Come on now!" Satan spread his arms wide, beckoning his son close. "Let's have some bloody fun!" Rin glared back at the cruel mockery of his brother, then wordlessly tossed the Kurikara aside. "No wait you might need that-"

"I _won't_ fight my brother!" He declared. "I'm going to save him! Now, let him go! Yukio! Yukio, can you hear me? Wake UP!"

"He ain't listening, kid," Satan chuckled and leapt forward to attack, fists swinging. Rin fell backward, staggering from the mighty blows. Still, he didn't give up, continuing to call Yukio's name in an attempt to reach him.

"Yukio! Wake up! _Please_! You are SO gonna be late! Your perfect attendance record is in jeopardy!" Satan just laughed mockingly and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, the person you're calling isn't here at the moment, please leave a message at the beep. _Beeeeep_."

"Yukio, wake-"

*_Thwack_!*

"…I wasn't done my message!"

Rin stumbled back, his face a bloody and bruised mess. Satan sighed and shook his head.

"Told ya you might need that."

"You leave me no choice." Rin narrowed his eyes dangerously, but maybe that was just the swelling. "I've been saving this for just such an occasion." He slowly reached behind him and pulled out…HIS MEGAPHONE. He took a deep breath and let loose. "**YUUUUUKIOOOOOOOOO**!"

-Inside Yukio's Head-

Hiding deep within his own psyche, Yukio twitched, aware of a sound on the edge of his hearing. Something…calling to him. It was _annoying_, whatever it was. Groaning, he opened an eye and gasped in surprise, snapping fully awake and looking around in confusion.

"Wha…what's going on?" He was trapped in a dark, empty place with no windows or means of escape, a prisoner of his own mind. "Where am I? Where is everyone? And why am I _naked_?!" He paused, horrified. "Oh GOD she finally did it. I _knew_ I should have kept a closer eye on Shiemi! I didn't think she'd go this far…"

Glancing up, Yukio gasped as a blurry vision of Rin, beaten black and blue, pierced the darkness.

"Oh God Rin!" He cried out. "…You probably _totally_ deserved that beating! But anyway. I've got to get out of here!" He struggled free of the cloying darkness, heading toward the distant light. Tiny arms suddenly snatched at his ankles, holding him fast. Yukio looked down to find an army of shadowy child-Yukio's at his feet, their eyes dark and empty.

"Don't go!" They pleaded as they clung to his legs. "Just give in! We hate our brother, don't we? Admit it!" The whispers grew in intensity as more crowded close, reaching out to Yukio with pale hands. "Rin's an idiot! He didn't have to grow up seeing Demons! He didn't suffer like we did! Don't save him! We hate him! We HATE him!"

Yukio gaped down at the children, his face a mask of horror as he finally spoke.

"…Aaaaaand what part of this am I supposed to deny?"

The shadowy children all paused and blinked.

"…What?"

"I already know all of that," Yukio explained. "Rin's an idiot. I hate him. That's nothing new. I'm going to save him anyway. Now fuck off." He flipped the kids the bird and pulled free, storming off toward the light. The children watched him go, faces stunned.

"…Wow. We're an asshole."

-Back Outside!-

Yukio groaned, wincing at the sudden onslaught of physical sensations as he finally returned to himself, back in control of his own body.

"Ugh…Rin?" He murmured, lifting his head to meet his brother's gaze.

"Yukio?!" Rin gasped in delight, eyes sparkling. "You're back! I did it!" Hurling the megaphone over his shoulder, he ran toward his brother joyously in slow-motion, arms outstretched, saw a quarter on the ground, slowly leaned over to grab it up, saw Yukio again, waiting impatiently, and continued to run toward him. Finally the brothers met, reaching out for one another and clasping hands-

_BANG_.

Rin made a soft choking sound and slowly looked down to find crimson blossoming from his chest. He staggered back a step, struggling to comprehend what had just happened. Yukio stood before him with an equally dumbfounded expression, a gun in his hand, the barrel smoking.

"R...Rin?" He whispered, voice quavering. Rin stared back at him, eyes wide with shock as his mouth worked soundlessly, struggling to speak. "Oh God Rin, I didn't mean-"

"_SHHHHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME…YOU GIVE LOOOOVE…A BAD NAME_!" Rin sang out, then promptly collapsed on his face.

"Rin now is NOT the time for Bon Jovi!"

"Ohmigosh Rin!" Shura gasped from where she sat on the sidelines. "Yukio, that was _totally_ uncalled for! He didn't even DO anything!"

"It wasn't ME!" Yukio hollered back, glaring at the gun in his hand. "I swear, I didn't-"

"It was ME!" A sinister voice chuckled in his head. Yukio gasped. "That's right! It's me, papa! I'm still in here, jackass! Come on, we can't let that little brat break the Gehenna Gate! Let's kill him and finish this!" The gun suddenly rose to aim at Rin, Satan fighting Yukio for control.

"No!" Yukio snarled, fighting back. "Enough! _We'll_ be the only ones to die here!" He jerked the gun aside and pressed the barrel against his own head.

"Y…Yukio…" Rin whimpered from the ground, in a pool of blood. "You…don't have…a _Persona_." He paused, dissolving into sobs. "No-one…is going…to get that reference!"

"You brat!" Satan hissed angrily. "You'd seriously kill yourself just to stop me?!"

"No." Yukio grinned. "I'd do it just to spite you. As Rin would say, suck it!" His finger tightened on the trigger as he closed his eyes, readying himself for-

*_POW_!*

Yukio fell back from the force of the blow, blinking his eyes open to gape at Rin in astonishment, who stood over him, fists clenched.

"…Ow." He blinked again. "Rin what the hell-"

"That was for shooting me." Rin glared down at him. "It hurt. A lot." He paused. "…Can I hit you again?"

"No, Rin! I mean…why did you _stop_ me?!"

"Isn't it obvious?! Who's gonna clean this shirt for me?" Yukio stared up at him blankly, waiting. "Oh yeah right heartfelt speech. Okay. Here we go. Don't you understand how the people left behind feel?! First mom, then dad, now you?! I don't want to feel that way again! Don't you get- oh hold on I think I'm gonna faint-"

"Yeah that's a lot of blood." Yukio glanced down at the puddle of blood at Rin's feet. "Maybe you should sit down or something." As he spoke, the blue flames dispersed as he once again regained control of his body, released from Satan's cruel hold. He sat up as Rin collapsed at his side, holding his wound. "Rin…I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry…"

"…Are those _tights_ you got on under there?" Rin asked, eyeing Yukio's smoldering pants.

"…Actually I'm not _that_ sorry."

The two brothers embraced, all violence forgiven as they shared a tender moment filled with-

"You do realize that just now, a fanfic was born," Rin whispered into his brother's ear.

"You ruin _everything_," Yukio sighed in defeat, slumping.

"He gets it from ME!" A wicked voice boomed from up above. Everyone gasped and looked around in surprise, searching for the culprit.

"I'm up here, assholes!" The voice laughed from on-high in the dark clouds. "That's right. I'm STILL not done yet! Let's get this shit started!" Satan cackled madly, Metallica music beginning to play as the entire Academy building shook ominously. Electricity crackled along the vast Gehenna Gate as it surged upwards into the clouds to be reborn, looming above the vulnerable city, waiting to burst.

Mephisto giggled gleefully from his perch, clapping his hands as the skies darkened and hope plummeted.

"The all-out war between Demons and humans is nearing its climax!" He declared with relish. "I wonder how they'll defeat our mad father?"

"I'd give this chapter an F for '_fucking awesome'_-" Amaimon began.

"WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE GRADING SHIT ALREADY!"

-Episode 24 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note. Er. Mer. GERD. Only one chapter left. Woo-hoo! I'll try to end it with a bang, I'll see what I can do. *_Crack knuckles_*. Review, please!


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: Well, this is it, folks! The last episode of Fool Exorcist! What are you waiting for? Hurry up and read! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Fool Exorcist

Episode 25

The Highest Moment

-Long Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away-

Just kidding not really, but we DO begin with a flashback that has absolutely no relevance to the storyline whatsoever. It's seriously a little WTF. Anyway. Let's get this shit over with.

An elderly man with a long, white beard and stained robe stood in his cluttered laboratory, frozen in place amidst the many glass vials and beakers. He was gaping with wide eyes up at Mephisto, who sat upon one of the many high bookcases in the room, chatting away amiably.

"And so then I told her, girl, you pregnant, you got to get your life in gear, and then she told ME-"

The old man continued to stare at Mephisto in blank confusion as he prattled on, talking about baby mama's and 'keeping it real'. The robed octogenarian found his voice and spoke aloud.

"…How did you get inside my HOUSE?"

"Look, grandpa, do you want to live forever or not?" Mephisto huffed impatiently, crossing his arms. The man blinked in surprise.

"You mean…eternal life?" He mused to himself for a moment, glancing up at Mephisto again. "…I don't have to wear THAT, do I?"

Mephisto was wearing an outfit that would make even a drag-queen shoot himself. It looked like he'd killed a gay peacock, turned it inside out, and was wearing its carcass. I'm talking bright polka-dot tights, pink bloomers, a purple cape, and a feathered cap.

"Bitch PLEASE," Mephisto sniffed, adjusting his hat. "No WAY you could pull this off like I can."

"…I'm not even sure you ARE-"

"ANYWAY, back to the selling of your corporeal soul," Mephisto interrupted, getting down to business. "We're having this great two-for-one special today on the Eternal Life, so you save a bundle. The only drawback is that the moment you wish to die, your soul will be mine for all eternity." He grinned mischievously. "Think of all the FUN we'll have!"

The old man paused, lips pursed as he carefully considered the offer. His eyes wandered back to Mephisto's blindness-inducing tights.

"I said NO!" Mephisto barked, flinging his hands protectively over his questionable attire. "They're mine! You can't have them!"

"Alright." The old man nodded, straightening his crooked spine with a series of loud cracks. "I'd like to buy a bowel, Mr. Trebek."

"…I think you mean 'vowel', and that's the wrong-" Mephisto began uncertainly.

"No, I haven't shit in a week."

"Oh dear God." Mephisto leaned away, then paused. "Wait, was that a 'yes'?"

"I accept your gamble," the man affirmed, nodding once again, "or whatever it takes to get you out of here." He scowled darkly around the room. "I will _never_ remove all the glitter."

"Woo-hoo! Alrighty! The contract has been made!" Mephisto hopped down from the bookcase and swept an elegant bow. "Now if you could just sign here, here and here-"

*_Frrrrrt_!*

"Oh thank GOD!" The old man cried in jubilation. Mephisto gagged and ran for the exit, which turned out to be the closest window. As he scrambled to freedom, the old man watched him go and gave a sad sigh. "Damn, didn't catch her name. She was a looker, too."

-Back to the Present (and _Relevance_)-

The enormous Gehenna Gate loomed high above the city in the darkened storm clouds, having migrated up there from the Academy rooftop. As Rin and the others watched with horrified expressions, an army of horned Demons was spat from the Gate and flew down at them, blasting fire from their jaws. Yukio countered with well-aimed shots from his guns, while Rin used the much more amusing (and quite effective) method of fire-extinguisher to the face.

"This is for YOU, Smokey!" He cried, spraying the fiery Demons with the foamy flame-retardant. "I'm so sorry for turning you into bear jerky! I will always remember the way you were…" He paused. "_DELICIOUS_."

"It's a dimensional rift!" Shura called from the sidelines, clutching the unconscious Shiemi to her ample bosom. "Satan wants to open the Gehenna Gate wide enough to swallow all of Assiah! He's trying to unite them!"

"Hmm?" Shiemi, awakened by Shura's loud exclamations, slowly opened her eyes and mumbled sleepily against the woman's breasts. "Sweet pillowy cushions of- OH MY GOD!"

"Hey, honey." Shura grinned down at the girl, winking flirtatiously. Shiemi gaped up at her in shock, unsure how to respond.

"…Does this count as my first lesbian experience?"

"And Rin is missing it." Shura chuckled. "The poor shit."

"Oh no wait this is actually my _second_." Shiemi frowned, thinking back. "Michelle was my first."

"Godammit sloppy seconds, really?"

"What's going on?" Shiemi slowly sat up, looking around at the surrounding chaos. "Where's Satan? What happened to Rin and Yukio? And what have you done to my HAIR?!"

"I gave you 'the Snookie'," Shura answered, holding a can of hair-spray and a curling iron. "She's classy, like me. Anything's better than what you had before."

"_Whoa_! You is HOT!" Rin whistled at Shiemi and began pumping a fist into the air. "Wanna go clubbing sometime?"

"Oh God kill me!" Shiemi wailed, clutching her head.

"I dunno, I think she'd look good as a brunette," the horned Demon right next to the girls argued.

"No," Rin replied with open disdain, "that would weigh her features _doooOOOH MY GOD_-"

The girls screamed and hugged each other as the horned Demon surged toward them, spitting a stream of fire. An instant later it went spinning back, cleaved in two by the flash of a sword. Shura gasped as a figure stepped up, weapon raised to protect them.

"That hair job is _clearly_ second rate," Angel snorted, glancing back at Shura and Shiemi with a sneer. "Let a _master_ show you how it's done." He opened his jacket to reveal a multitude of high-quality Salon products.

"Oh, come on!" Shura barked. "I did a pretty good job with her hair-"

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOURS, SHURA."

"You tap-dancing son of a-"

"Angel! Why are _you_ here?" Rin trotted over, frowning at the long-haired man in confusion. "Wait, does this mean…?"

"Yes." Angel nodded solemnly. "I'm on your side-"

"Can I still insult you?"

"…I'd…really rather you NOT-"

"Let's go, gaywad!" Rin smacked the man's butt before rushing back to the fight. Angel heaved a sigh and followed reluctantly.

"Look, just stay out of my way," he snapped, shoving Rin aside. "In fact, stay at least three feet away from me at all times. Those are my conditions."

"Oh, please! What are _you_ gonna do to the Demons?" Rin scoffed aloud. "Give them _makeovers_?"

"Well…yes, actually." Angel stared back at him blankly. "I have some lipstick and eyeliner here, I thought I'd start out with some foundation and then-"

"GOD is there ANYONE gayer than- oh wait Mephisto never mind."

"Are you two done?" Yukio interrupted the squabbling pair, holding a loaded gun in each hand. "Because I have extra bullets." Rin and Angel promptly fist-bumped. "Okay. Good. Let's go."

Together the three launched a counter-attack against the Demon horde, Rin slashing them to pieces with the Kurikara, Yukio peppering them with bullets, and Angel tossing glitter like he was in a Ke$ha music video. The horned Demons had no choice but to retreat into the sky, hovering around the bubbling Gate and hurling insults.

"Yeah! We were AWESOME!" Rin crowed in triumph, then seized Angel and attempted an open-mouth kiss.

"You are going to turn me STRAIGHT!" Angel screamed as he clawed at his face, desperately shoving him back.

"I can't help it you're just so fucking _beautiful_-"

"Rin, enough!" Yukio interrupted again, forcing the pair apart. "We have to work together to reach the Gate!"

"Well that's what I was _trying_ to do but Miss Priss here doesn't know a good thing when she _sees_ it-"

"Yukio's right," Shura added as she strode over to the boys with weapon in hand, shrugging off her injuries from Satan. "We have to synchronize our attacks to make it past the enemy's impenetrable defenses-"

"WHUT."

"_Sic 'em_!" Shura cried, pointing up at the looming Gate.

"Aye, aye!" Rin yelled, once again saluting and managing to poke out one of his eyes. "_Ow shit my eye_-"

"And to think, I'm missing out on all of _that_," Angel drawled, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Shut up, trampoline!"

"Trampo- WHOA!" Angel's cry of protest was cut short as Rin leapt on the man's back, using him as a human springboard to leap high into the sky. Working as one, he and Yukio flew upwards toward the Gate, fighting past the Demons blocking their path. At the peak of their jump, Rin slashed out with the Kurikara, hitting the Gate with a wave of blue flames.

"We did it!" Shura whooped, throwing her arms in the air. Her cheer, however, proved to be a bit premature. Once the smoke cleared, the Gehenna Gate still held strong, the multitude of eyes glowing with fury.

"If our goal was to seriously piss it off, then we definitely succeeded," Yukio stated.

"I blame Angel," Rin said, raising his hand and pointing. "He couldn't even be a good _springboard_-"

"You _stepped_ on me, you ASS-"

"Guys, stop fighting! Look, boobs!"

"All of you, SHUT UP!" Satan roared as red lasers shot from the eyes of the Gate, striking the Academy rooftop and enveloping it in a fiery explosion. "…That's much better."

-Elsewhere-

Deep in the darkened woods, Kuro flicked an ear and turned his head at the distant flash of light from the city. The ground rumbled ominously and the Cat Sith felt his fur stand on end.

_What is going ON over there_? He wondered to himself, whiskers trembling. _…It most probably involves my retarded master_.

Suddenly a wave of blood-red orbs swept through the forest, approaching Kuro with frightening speed.

"Yarns balls!" Kuro mewled happily, running toward them with glee.

_*HIIIISSSSSS_!*

"…Or not!" Kuro turned tail and ran the hell away from the sea of heads devouring the trees. Run, kitty, run!

-At the True Cross Japanese Branch Headquarters-

Back at the Headquarters, Exorcists and victims alike huddled together, praying for the nightmare raging through the city to be over. The small group of Exwires were rushing around the place, desperately searching for the missing Shiemi.

"Have you found her yet?" Suguro gasped out as they all met up to report and confer with one another.

"Nope, no sign of her," Shima answered, shaking his head, "no matter _how_ many girl's bathrooms or shower-stalls I looked inside-"

"Okay, _you're_ not a member of the search committee anymore."

"I found five dollars," Konekomaru added quietly.

"You guys don't think she's gone after Rin, do you?" Izumo suddenly asked, frowning. "I mean…she's not THAT crazy, right?"

"The bitch has a shrine to Yukio's _moles_," Paku stated matter-of-factly. "I've seen it." She paused. "It's right next to _my_ shrine for _twincest_-"

"Okay then yes. She IS that crazy."

The Headquarters suddenly shook violently, dirt and debris falling from the high ceiling. A nearby wall crumbled away, clouds of Coal Tar entering from the new opening.

"Oh, no! The barrier's been damaged!" Izumo gasped. "The Demons are getting in!"

"Quick!" Suguro began barking orders as he assumed command of the situation. "Exorcists to the front! We have to evacuate all the civilians in a calm, orderly fashion-"

"_WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE_!" Konekomaru shrieked at the top of his lungs. Immediately all the civilians in the compound panicked and began screaming, running around in circles, and resorting to cannibalism.

"Dammit, Konekomaru!"

"I'm sorry, I get a little scared when Demons are going to EAT MY FACE."

"You think Rin'll be alright?" Shima asked worriedly as the Exwires formed a circle with the others Exorcists, readying themselves to defend the Headquarters.

"That _idiot_!" Suguro muttered angrily, shaking his head. "He's so stupid he'd forget to die even if he got killed!"

"…Bon-" Konekomaru began.

"I KNOW IT'S _IMPOSSIBLE_!"

"Actually I don't _really_ care about him I'm just hoping this show'll be called 'Pink Exorcist' if-"

"Shut the fuck up and pray, Shima."

-Back With Said Idiot-

Black smoke rose from the smoldering remains of the Academy rooftop, clogging the night sky like a cheeseburger to arteries. Rin and Yukio coughed and sat up amidst the devastation, despair in their hearts.

"What happened…to the Gehenna Gate?" Yukio asked weakly, squinting up at the black clouds.

"It's over the city, blasting it to bits," Rin answered, pointing off into the distance. "But even worse, I skinned my knee."

"…Rin I think the Gehenna Gate destroying the town is a _little_ more important-"

"I dunno, it's bleeding and everything. _Really_ stings." Rin paused. "Can you kiss it for me? I asked Angel to but he said I'd have to kiss his ass first and when I tried he-"

"_DAMMIT_!" Yukio punched the ground in frustration, gritting his teeth as he was wracked with guilt. "This is all my fault! All this destruction is because of me…"

"No it's not, Yukio!" Rin shot back angrily. "You had _nothing_ to do with this! It was all _Satan_! He's the one who did this, slaughtering hundreds, destroying the city!" He stopped. "With your body." He stopped again. "So yeah I guess it is your fault."

"Rin-"

"But don't beat yourself up about it!" Rin plowed on, pulling his brother to his feet and giving him a shake. "Look at me! I fuck up all the time, but I don't give up! Don't worry, I'll get us out of this mess! Just depend on me like you did when we were little kids!"

"…You made me CRY when we were kids!"

"_What_?" Rin blinked. "What about the bullies I chased off?"

"You WERE the bully!"

"Oh yeah right." Rin paused. "Noogie time!" He suddenly seized Yukio in a headlock and viciously ruffled his hair. "Now gimme your lunch money."

_Riiiiiin_! A voice yowled from the dark. The twins turned to find Kuro dashing across the ruined rooftop toward them, tails in the air.

"Kuro!" Rin gasped in delight as the small cat rubbed against his ankles, purring. "Where've you BEEN? I was just about to go to the shelter and get _another_ Cat Sith familiar-"

_Come on, Rin! Let's go_! Kuro growled and quickly grew in size, becoming his huge, horned form with claws and sharp teeth. _Get on_!

"_CATBUUUUUUS_!" Rin sang with glee, throwing up his arms and skipping toward the large cat-Demon. "Let's go find Mei!"

"Rin this _isn't_ My Neighbor Totoro," Yukio sighed, adjusting his glasses.

"You are such a _killjoy_." Rin slouched up onto Kuro's back, scowling at his brother. "I wish Satan had eaten your eternal soul."

_Hurry it up, four-eyes_! Kuro mewled impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm- _whoa_! Hold on just a…" Yukio gasped, marveling in awe. "I can hear Kuro now!"

_Wow, really_? Kuro paused, staring at him with bright eyes. _Fuck you for trying to kill me. And your moles scare me. They smell like slumbering evil._

"Okay enough let's go!" Yukio clambered onto Kuro's back, settling behind Rin as the Cat Sith leapt into the air, flying off into the night.

"Oh thank GOD they finally left." Angel sat up from behind some rubble and dusted himself off. "Stupidity does _horrible_ things to my complexion."

"How are you not _hideous_?" Shura muttered to herself, lying back on a stone slab. Shiemi crouched beside her, tending her many wounds with the aid of Ni-chan.

"Well, I've treated your burns," she told Shura, "but there's nothing I can do about your grotesquely swollen breasts."

"That's normal, actually," Shura replied, glancing down at her chest.

"Really?" Shiemi frowned. "They seem _really_ freaky and uncomfortable, actually."

"If you had a penis you'd understand." Shura glanced over at Angel brushing his hair. "…Then again maybe not."

Shiemi watched as Kuro faded away into the distance and closed her eyes, saying a quick prayer for the twins to return safely.

"Okay, okay, I'll keep an eye on them," God rumbled, cowering behind a cloud. "Just don't cut me. You scare the SHIT outta me, girl."

-Back Inside the Japanese Branch Headquarters!-

Back inside the Japanese Branch Headquarters (where have I heard that before?), the army of Exorcists struggled valiantly to keep the encroaching Demons at bay, the Coal Tar hissing and fighting back just as fiercely.

"Christ, there's no _end_ to them!" Suguro growled as he prayed with all his might. "It's like _Nikelback_ songs!"

"Hey! Don't you use that filthy language in this holy place, Exwire!" An elderly Exorcist barked in admonishment. "We all must do our best! The Demons will weaken at dawn! We _must_ hold out till then!"

"Uhh, Sensei?" Konekomaru asked nervously, raising a hand. "Permission for a bathroom break?"

"Permission denied! Do it in your pants, son!"

"Oh, _way_ ahead of you!" Shima chortled, the crotch of his pants dark with urine. The others made disgusted faces and inched away.

"Hey…wait a minute!" Konekomaru suddenly gasped, his eyes widening as a thought sparked in his brain. "This Headquarters is connected via door-portal to the Vatican, isn't it?"

"Well…yes," the Exorcist answered uncertainly, confused. "Why?"

"Don't you get it?!" The small boy pressed on. "That's a seven hour time difference!"

"…What does this have to do with anything?" Suguro asked in exasperation.

"I just realized…" Konekomaru paused for several tense seconds. "My watch is _ten_ minutes off!"

"…Koneko-"

"That and if we evacuate to the Vatican, it'll still be daytime there," he added, pushing buttons on his wristwatch.

"Ohh, _I_ see where you're going!" Shima took over, nodding in understanding. "If we go there we'll be able to get SO much stuff done! Go to the park, the library, do our grocery shopping-"

"_Dry-cleaning_," Izumo butted in, staring pointedly at the dark stain on his pants.

"…No, actually I mean that everyone will be _safe_ from the Demons over there," Konekomaru corrected. Shima blinked.

"Oh. Yeah. That's a plus, too." He paused and glanced around at the others. "Seriously, though. Who's up for the park?" He was greeted with silence and a hostile glare from Izumo. "Party-poopers."

"Like _you're_ one to talk!"

-Aaaaand Back With Rin and Yukio-

The Gehenna Gate floated eerily over the injured city, sending out bursts of red lasers to the beat of Metallica music. Buildings exploded and fires spread as the grotesque heads swept down the streets, consuming the city. In the skies above, the twins were busy fighting through a swarm of Demons, desperately trying to reach the Gehenna Gate swirling in the high clouds.

"That weatherman was SO off on today's forecast!" Rin complained as he socked a Demon in the face. "He didn't say _anything_ about a chance of raining Demons and this is SO not 75% humidity!"

"This isn't working!" Yukio cried in frustration as Kuro was forced to retreat from the vicious onslaught. "We have to attack the Gate itself to put a stop to all this! But those Demons are blocking the way…we'll never get past them all. We have to think of a plan to get them to move-"

"I got it!" Rin gasped aloud. "We'll ask them…_nicely_…to move."

"Correction, _I'll_ think." Yukio sighed, rubbing his forehead. "You just…sing along to the music or something."

"Alright, this is my favorite song! _Ehhhh-xit liiiiight! Ennnn-teeeeer niiiiight_!"

-Back With the Others!-

The Exwires and other Exorcists, along with the civilians, had retreated through a door-portal to emerge in the opulence of the Vatican. There, the sun still shone with nary a Demon in sight. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief before Suguro began issuing orders. At his command, the Exorcists rushed about the holy building, taking dozens of mirrors from their places on the walls and using them to set up an elaborate reflective panel.

"Now, here's what we're gonna do," Suguro explained to the others, who crowded around him with curious expressions. "We're going to make our _own_ sun by reflecting the sunlight from HERE into the Japanese Brach Headquarters using the mirrors, killing all the Demons in there and at the same time keeping everyone in the Vatican safe. What do you all think?"

The others gaped at him in complete and utter awe, their jaws hanging open.

"…I think I have _never_ been more attracted to you than I am _right now_," Izumo admitted in a dead-pan tone, "and I fucking HATE you."

"Question!" Shima cut in, arm up. "Won't that much concentrated sunlight kill _Izumo_, too?"

Izumo glared at him.

"But it pales in comparison to how much I hate YOU."

"Okay, okay, enough. Let's do this!" Suguro signaled the Exorcists, and the plan was executed. Pulling open the portal door, the Exorcists angled the mirrors to catch the sun's deadly rays and sent it shooting through the door and into the Japanese Branch Headquarters, where it instantly fried all the Coal Tar milling about. The brilliant reflection was so powerful it actually lit the night sky around the Academy like an approaching dawn.

"What's that _light_?" Yukio gasped in surprise, holding on tight to Kuro and squinting over his shoulder at the distant Academy.

"Some DICK behind us who doesn't have the decency to dim their lights!" Rin snarled, holding up his middle finger. "Learn to drive, asshole!"

The multitude of Demons blocking the way to the Gehenna Gate hissed and flinched away from the dazzling light, creating an opening for the twins. Yukio saw their chance and urged Kuro onward.

"Come on, here's our chance! Go, Kuro, go!"

_MREOOOOOW_! Kuro shot upward, heading straight for the Gate.

"Oh no, you don't!" Satan's voice snapped. Immediately the blood-shot eyes of the Gate glowed and let loose…_a red laser-beam exactly like a laser-pointer_. It bobbed around in the sky, taunting and irresistible.

_MEOW_! Kuro was instantly distracted and went for the red dot, dropping Rin and Yukio in the process.

"No Kuro you stupid-!" Yukio yelled against the howling of the wind as he plummeted, Rin flailing beside him.

"Ohmigosh Yukio did you see that red dot we gotta get it gotta catch it gotta_-"_

"Shut UP, Rin!" Yukio flung out an arm to catch hold of his brother but caught the falling Kurikara instead. The sword slid open at his touch, blue flames once again engulfing the boy. "Oh Godammit not this shit again I need my brain-cells-"

"_Yukio_!" Rin gasped, shocked at seeing his brother awash with fire.

"It's alright, Rin, I think I'm-"

"That's MINE!" Rin began swimming through the air toward him. "Get your mitts off my sword!" The two brothers crashed into each other and began to squabble, slapping and pulling hair as they fell to the ground. As they fought, the flames spread and converged, forming an enormous blue phoenix that made the sky glow with its brilliance.

"My God it's so _beautiful_!" Mephisto gasped from his lofty perch, eyes wide at the wondrous sight. "Those two brothers are truly-"

"Ka-kaw, ka-kaw!"

"Rin, knock it off!"

"Hey, look, I see a field of corn over there!" The phoenix swerved to the left, great wings flapping hard. "Let's go drop a _load_ on a statue-"

"RIN GODAMMIT _FOCUS_!"

"I know, I know! Break the gate!" The phoenix went back on course and charged the looming Gehenna Gate, flying upward with determination. The giant blue bird finally reached it, the boys at its center stabbing the heart of the Gate with the Kurikara. Satan groaned in pain as the Gate churned, steadily weakening.

"Why?" He choked out, his voice fading. "My own children…who I tried to kill in the most _loving_ way possible…destroyed my dream! _WHY_?!"

"Because you're kind of an asshole," Rin stated matter-of-factly. "Mom had _horrible_ taste in men."

"You'd think she'd find the one guy who didn't want to destroy the world," Yukio snorted in agreement.

"See ya, Stinky McShit-Pants!" Rin waved, grinning happily.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" Satan wailed in despair as the Gate was consumed by the hungry flames, the fierce heat quickly taking its toll as it crumbled away into ashes.

"Awww yeah! High-five, YukiooOOOMIGOSH WE'RE FALLING! CATCH US, KURO, CATCH UUUUSSSS!"

-In Gehenna…-

Thrown back into the darkened bowels of Hell, Satan's weary soul floated quietly by itself, defeated. Another flickering spirit, a soft blue, appeared out of the darkness and slowly approached him.

"…Satan?" A gentle voice asked.

"Yuri…" Satan's own was filled with pain and regret. "Sorry, hun. I couldn't fulfill your dream. Our little brats stopped me. But…at least we still have each other, right?"

"…About that. I want a divorce."

"_WHAT_?!"

-As Morning Dawns…-

Pale sunlight broke the distant horizon, finally bringing an end to the long, violent night. The Exwires slowly emerged from a random portal-door, one after another, and carefully picked their way through the devastation, faces grim as they surveyed the damaged city.

"_10_," Izumo upraised, eyeing the ruined buildings and smashed roads. "Just the right amount of destruction and death, plus a sprinkling of despair to even it all out. Overall, a very aesthetically pleasing Armageddon."

"God, I don't even CARE anymore," Konekomaru sighed, ignoring her.

"What a disaster…" Suguro shook his head dismally at the decimated city. "I can't see any way for Rin to have survived this." He paused. "Just to be sure, I'll start planning the funeral NOW."

"Bon-"

"Shh! I'm trying to think of the perfect eulogy. It'll start like this…'Rin was an idiot wrapped in a moron stapled to a dumbass, but we've all gathered here today to celebrate what we all know he really was: an _asshole_. Taken away from us SO much later than we all prayed for, he-"

"Hey, guys!" Everyone whipped around at the sudden voice to find Rin and Yukio hobbling over across the cracked pavement, the brothers battered and bruised but still very much alive.

"God-DAMMIT!" Suguro cried in outrage, stomping his foot. "How the HELL did you survive that?!"

"Because I knew you were waiting for me, baby," Rin cooed, batting his lashes.

"Fuck off!"

"You know you love me."

"_ARRRRGGGGHHH_!"

"I really didn't miss this," Konekomaru said from the back. "I really didn't."

"Look, just- what happened to Satan?" Suguro growled, brushing Rin's unwanted affections aside and struggling to control his inner hellfire.

"He went wee, wee, wee, all the way home to Gehenna." Rin grinned triumphantly.

"We did it. We won." Yukio sighed in relief, tired but happy.

"So…you really beat him…" Suguro deflated, strangely disappointed. "Hey… do you think… he'll ever come back one day? So I can fulfill my dream… of defeating him?"

"Oh, I _know_ he will," Rin said, smiling gently. Suguro smiled back.

"Thanks, Rin. That's really-"

"I got a dinner-date with him planned for Thursday."

Everyone stared at him insanely.

"…What? He's my DAD. I'm not gonna be rude and decline his invite. Plus, he's treating." Rin glanced over at his brother, nudging him with an elbow. "Yukio, you coming along?" Yukio stared back at him blankly. "What, you can't look past the fact that he possessed you and almost made you slaughter everyone you ever loved? _Real_ mature."

"RIN! YUKIO!" Shiemi scrambled into view, Shura and Angel in tow. She stormed towards the twins through the wreckage, her face a mask of fury.

"Hey, Shiemi!" Rin began innocently. "What's-"

Shiemi grabbed them both by the neck and lifted them off their feet, roaring into their faces in her unbridled anger.

"IF YOU TWO _EVER_ DO SOMETHING THAT RECKLESS AGAIN I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY I WILL KEEP YOU TWO TRAPPED IN A PIT IN MY CELLAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR WAKING LIVES!"

Then she pulled them close into a rib-cracking hug.

"Don't ever worry me like that again!" She sobbed out with tears streaming down her face.

"…I am SO scared right now," Yukio whispered, trembling slightly.

"…Does this count as a three-way?" Rin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Rin you stupid-" Yukio stopped mid-sentence and decided to just give up. "Yes. Yes it does."

"Score!"

"About _time_ you shits showed up!" A high-pitched voice snapped from above. Everyone looked up to see the kid with the puppet standing in the rubble of a building, completely unharmed.

"What? YOU?!" Suguro sputtered. "Where the hell have you _been_?!"

"Taking over the world- I mean…" The puppet paused. "…At the talent show. With my flesh-bag- I mean human- I mean owner." It paused again. "Owner is what I meant to say."

"Your act needs work," Konekomaru stated with a troubled frown. Behind him, Izumo's eyes narrowed dangerously as she added the puppet to a mental list of potential threats to her future rule of the planet.

"Oh-HO! You're back for more, you button-eyed asshole?" Rin started for the puppet, arms spread wide. "Come on, bitch! Put 'em up!" Everyone laughed as the small puppet punched him out. Angel and Shura stood off to the side, smiling amiably at the children's antics.

"God I hate you all," Angel said through gritted teeth.

"See you next time?" Shura asked, giving him a nudge.

"Unfortunately." Angel turned to leave. "If you need me, I'll be curled up in my shoe-closet, crying myself to sleep."

"Oh, suck it up, you big 'mo." Shura rolled her eyes and gave him a parting smack on the ass.

"Brother, I think your town is broke," Amaimon-hamster commented, sitting upon Mephisto's shoulder. The Demon brothers stood together atop a bent fence overlooking the city. Mephisto wasn't listening, his expression wistful. "…Brother?"

"I just remembered," Mephisto said in a somber tone, "this old man from long ago. He took one of my challenges and stood his ground. A challenge…with his life on the line. At the moment of his death, the man shouted, 'I now enjoy the highest moment – THIS!'" He let out a long sigh and shook his head. "…I think…I finally understand…how he felt back then…"

A peaceful silence followed as several pigeons took to the skies in a flock, disappearing into the morning light. Amaimon waited a few moments before turning to his brother.

"…You _do_ know this is the last scene you're in, right?"

"_WHAT_?!" Mephisto gasped aloud, then whipped off his cloak and jacket to reveal a sparkling show-girl outfit beneath. "HIT IT!" Then he did a high-kick.

-One Month Later…-

"A month has passed since our epic battle with Satan," Rin's voice narrated as students milled about the rebuilt True Cross Academy, attending classes and talking with friends. "Everything's pretty much back to normal."

The scene changed to the interior of a classroom where Yukio stood upfront, pointing at lines of notes on the board and lecturing. The Exwires all sat at desks with varying levels of attention.

"Yukio lost his Paladin title and went back to being a normal Exorcist," Rin's voice went on, "although he still retains his _other_ title granted by the student body of resident TILF, Teacher I'd Like to Eff. Izumo and that puppet-bastard have formed an alliance, so the world's pretty much fucked. Konekomaru filed a restraining order against Mr. Tsubaki after finding him in his closet, and I've been teaching Shima some of my moves from my time at Chip N' Dales to help with the ladies. Paku is now writing purely lesbian fanfiction, and has already gotten a couple of book deals. Shiemi decided that she liked her new hair and has gotten quite a few dates with the local douches, myself included. Shura went back to stripping for the money, and Mephisto joined her with much worse reception before returning to being the school's principal. Angel is on the new season of America's Next Top Model as a judge, and I hear his signature move is tossing glitter into the faces of the losing girls. Suguro still won't return my calls, but I'm sure he'll eventually realize we're destined to be together. And as for me…well…"

Rin sagged in his desk, head lolled back as his mouth hung open, several large flies buzzing around excitedly at their latest prospect of a meal.

"The school refuses to count my saving the world as 'extra credit', so my grades are still shit, but I'm getting by…"

Yukio suddenly noticed his brother's inattention and scowled in annoyance, storming over and violently slamming his foot onto the desktop.

*_WHAM_!*

"Rin, wake UP!"

"PLEASE BE GENTLE!" Rin shrieked as he jerked awake, blinking the sleepiness from his eyes. He wiped the drool from his chin and stared at his brother in blank confusion. "…Why are you wearing high-heels?"

"Because they make my ass look _good_." Yukio turned and trotted back to the front.

"…_GodDAMN he's right_." Rin whispered in awe, eyes wide as they followed his brother's rear.

"Like I said," Rin finished the narration, "back to normal."

-Sometime Later…-

Rin and Yukio stood in the silent, snowy woodlands, the crumbled remains of their mother's abandoned cabin poking up out of the snow-banks. Rin looked around curiously, Yukio sighing and drinking in the tranquility of the quiet woods.

"Soooo are we gonna go skiing first or have a good ol' snowball fight?" Rin finally broke the silence, raising his eyebrows. Yukio scowled at him.

"Rin, we came here to honor the memory of our deceased mother-"

*_WHAP_!*

Yukio went tumbling backwards as a snowball creamed him in the face. Rin crouched next to a pile of snow, crafting more icy missiles.

"Snowball fight it is!"

After a long and arduous battle (and a face-wash or two), the brothers walked deeper into the woodland. As they went, Yukio explained to Rin his intent on bringing him there, though it was rather hard considering Rin's criminally short attention span.

"When Satan possessed me, he showed me memories of the past," Yukio said, gesturing to the trees. "Of him and mom- RIN DO NOT LICK THAT ICICLE IT'S DIRTY- when they were- GET AWAY FROM THAT YELLOW SNOW. NO. NO, DO NOT TOUCH IT- together and lived- RIN PUT THAT DOWN!"

"Check it out, it's frozen poo!" Rin smiled, holding it up. "It looks like a fudgicle!" He paused, beads of sweat popping up on his forehead as he stared at the frozen poop with a sudden rush of hunger. "…Oh crap I kinda wanna eat it-"

"Okay! Enough! We're here!" The twins had finally reached a snowy cliff overlooking a dark cave. Rin squinted down at it in confusion, looking to Yukio for an answer. "This is where we were born, Rin."

"Awww- _eeewwwwww_." Rin made a face and the pair clambered down to the cave entrance. They entered somewhat hesitantly, creeping into the still cave, past some large boulders and stalactites to find-

An enormous grizzly bear.

"…Mom?" Rin asked after a long moment.

_ROOOOOAR_!

"Nope! Go go go!" The brothers ran the fuck out of there and quickly located the correct cave. There they found a small, humble tombstone for Yuri, half-buried in the snow.

"Dad found us here on a snowy night," Yukio whispered, crouching next to the stone and gently dusting it off. "Mom gave us to him with her last breath…"

"God, I think I'd rather the _bear_ had raised us," Rin snorted to himself. "Maybe growing up would have been a little easier." He glanced over at Yukio, a sudden thought sparking amongst the cobwebs. "Hey…you got to actually _see_ mom, right? What kind of person was she? Like…what color was her hair? Her eyes?"

"Hmmm…" Yukio shrugged. "Picture you with breasts and a vagina."

Rin closed his eyes and imagined.

"…I am frickin' HOT!"

"Rin…is it really alright for us to have been born into this world?" Yukio asked, his voice soft and vulnerable. "So many people got hurt because of us. Why were we born? Why did mom have to die? And why is your DICK out?"

"Cuz I'm writing my name in the snow," Rin replied frankly, standing next to a snow-bank. "You gotta use cursive or else it won't work." He frowned. "The hardest part is dotting the 'i'."

"Rin, can't you be serious for ONE Goddamn-"

"No, I can't, because that's ME," Rin shot back, glaring at his brother. "And you shouldn't, either! You can't think of depressing shit like that! You gotta loosen up, relax! Come on, write your name in the snow next to mine!"

Yukio took a deep breath, counted to ten, and decided _not_ to murder his brother and hide his body in the woods. Slowly, he stood up, and unzipped his pants.

"Alright, fine. Have it your way."

"Ohmigosh your penmanship is _beautiful_."

-Even MORE Time Later…-

In the city, trouble was brewing. Roadblocks had been set up in front of a high-way tunnel, cutting off the area in an effort to trap the suspect. Dozens of Exorcists were on the scene, weapons drawn and faces grim. Shura stood before the group and crossed her arms impatiently.

"Alright, everyone listen up!" She barked out. "The enemy is Ghost Rider! It's a pathetic Demon who doesn't know when to retire and sucks the money from your wallets, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and cheated with your cinema experience." She drew her sword and held it aloft. "Let's take this bastard DOWN!"

"Here it comes!" Yukio cried, aiming his gun at the darkened tunnel. A pair of headlights gleamed in the dark, drawing closer. Something was approaching… something… _DUMB._

Rin came bounding out of the tunnel, sitting astride the large version of Kuro, its feline eyes glowing in the dark.

"Cat. Bus," Rin stated matter-of-factly to the confounded group of Exorcists. "Suck it, Yukio."

"…Oh GOD it's _hideous_!" One of the Exorcists cried. "Shoot it! SHOOT IT!"

"Hold your fire!" Yukio snapped, holding up a hand. He turned to Rin with a withering glare. "Rin, what the hell are you doing here? I thought I left you locked in the car with the window cracked-"

"You did," Rin replied. "I got bored." He paused. "On another note, you no longer have a car."

"Okay, SHOOT HIM-"

*_VRRRRRRMMMMM_!*

A sudden deep rumbling thrummed down the tunnel, the Demon threat approaching fast.

"It's coming! Get in position!" Yukio ordered, waving the Exorcists back as he raised his gun. "Shoot to kill!"

"Yukio! NO!" Rin stood his ground, refusing to budge. "You can't just kill it! That's not what a true Exorcist is about! We have to try and _understand_ the Demons so we can live together in PEACE-"

And then Ghost Rider came peeling into the light, white skull gleaming with flames as it revved the engine of its wicked motorcycle.

"Except THAT motherfucker!" Rin cried aloud. "Kill it! Kill it DEAD!" He drew the Kurikara, pointing the keen edge at the Demon. "You owe me eight bucks for that shitfest 'Bangkok Dangerous'! YAAAAAHHH!" Kuro yowled and rushed to attack as Rin swung his sword, Yukio hollering angrily from the rear.

"Rin, Godammit, WAIT!"

-Episode 25 End!-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.

Author's Note: That's it, the final episode of Fool Exorcist! The End! It's been a blast writing this series, and I've enjoyed it thoroughly because I'm sick like that. I know I need help. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed, I appreciate all your comments and I'm glad you got a laugh out of my silly writing! Now I will most probably disappear for another couple years before finding another anime that I feel the urge to parody. I could certainly use the break! Thanks again!


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